Jackie Collins, pushing her new St. Martin’s novel, “The Santangelos,” reminded me of that old Broadway song: “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” Her start in our talk? “I wrote about b - - w j - bs long before anyone else.
“I grew up reading Mickey Spillane. His characters had immediate orgasms.
“I live in Hollywood. It’s full of Amanda Byneses and Lindsay Lohans. I write what I hear at lunch. Like this gal’s new diamond ring, which her husband and her lover bought. Both paid for the ring. She then told the jeweler, ‘I want 90 percent of that money back.’ You can’t make this s - - t up.
“They all say they’ve been flashed. A guy asked one, ‘Can you help with my phone?’ She said, ‘Sure.’ He handed it over showing a photo of his private parts.
“It’s a culture of Latin gays, black footballers, cheating pols, Russian oligarchs, soused supermodels and 50-ish stars with 20-ish starlets. All think I’m depicting them. One angry wife complained I’d pictured her husband. I said, ‘No, hon, there’s many other faded superstars besides yours.’
“I’ll call my autobiography ‘Reform School in Hollywood.’ ”
Anthony Hopkins and Suzanne Somers filmed “Hollywood Wives,” her first of 30 best sellers. “It had a scene I’d actually witnessed in Cannes. A couple Doing It got stuck together. The condition’s something like vagina-itis.” And how did these stars do that scene? “Very badly.”
About her sister Joan Collins? “She’s happy now with Percy, who’s turned out to be the best of her five husbands.” About her own life: “My sex is not gray. It’s red hot. A man for every occasion.”
And how she finished our talk? “My beginnings were wild, colorful. Someday I’ll talk about Brando. He was always the world’s most beautiful man. You agree?”
I wouldn’t know — never having seen Marlon naked.
Following the Celebrity Herd
August 7, Lionsgate herds out some film called “Shaun the Sheep.” They say it’s the Year of the Sheep. Like, who knew, right? Also, the Chinese zodiac’s sign Sheep means “balance and stability.”
Also, they’re affectionate, gentle, content, easygoing, peaceful.
Born Year of the Sheep: Julia Roberts, Shailene Woodley, Adam Levine, Rosario Dawson, Emily Ratajkowski, Rose Byrne, Benicio Del Toro, Tim McGraw, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, Will Ferrell, Vin Diesel.
Sheepers’ lucky numbers: 3, 4, 9. Lucky colors: green, red, purple. Lucky flowers: carnation, primrose. Lucky directions: east, south.
Vin Diesel — gentle, easygoing, content, peaceful?
Eric’s Fighting for Reform
New York’s Attorney General was collecting shekels, IOUs and a few canapés. Ask Catsimatidis why the party for him? Answer: “I do it every year because his mother used to bring him to my store when he was 14.”
Eric Schneiderman, now older than that, says: “I’m for reform. Fiorello LaGuardia was for reform, Teddy Roosevelt was for reform. I support police chiefs. I’m a fan of Bratton. I want to fight for alternate ways to our failed system of incarceration.”
He wants to fight for another term, too. And maybe to fight to be governor.
Bits and Pieces
New trends: Forgoing platform shoes, ladies are into flats. And schlepping their restaurant leftovers home. Once was “for the dog.” Now it’s for them…
So, E L James’ newest “Grey.” Over 500-plus pages of more whipping and banging. Could’ve been shorter…
Maria Shriver’s new cause is working for Alzheimer’s.