Coming. The Academy Ughs. A small red carpet will lead directly to the can. But only to the ladies’ room — because it’s fie and foo to our male foes.
We’re up in arms (covered after a certain age) and once female slow-learners learn sex without Tom, Dick or Irving, it’s gone with that whole masculine tribe. Delivering packages? Mailwomen. Redoing a kitchen? Contractorettes. Changing homes and need moving men? Moving ladies. Eff all those moves dudes were making.
And toilets with unmovable seats? Freedom!
Which, for some reason, brings up this year’s really quiet Oscars.
“The Shape of Water.” Specialists, crabbing that awards now have nothing to do with content, say the win’s fishy. Might swim with the sharks. Not everyone’s insane for a film about a fish. The thing’s staying quiet, and so’s Sally Hawkins.
Frances McDormand? Great triple threat starting back in those “Fargo” days, but those who know — not me — say being unglamorous doesn’t help the top prize.
Timothée Chalamet. Too young — 22. The kid can’t believe his luck. He knows he’s a nonwinner — but also knows his biggie “Beautiful Boy” is coming right behind. So’s his Woody Allen one that’s stalled in terms of release.
“Dunkirk” A-1. But iffy. Confusing. Christopher Nolan, wanting the film confusing as were the actual soldiers on that beach, did this purposefully.
Greta Gerwig, 34, is special, talented, terrific, etc. Pointedly in her win favor, she’s female. If a mermaid were up this year, she’d grab an Oscar.
Writer/director Jordan Peele’s grabbed multiple nominations for “Get Out.” Says industry VIPs: “The academy is now terminally, hysterically, politically correct. Into labeling. Jordan’s black, Greta’s female, next up — a Muslim lesbian whose partner is Chinese.
More from movie mouths: “A Hollywood gender war’s going on. Filmmaking’s now a civil-rights movement. This womanhood era’s into burning bras, protests, marches, salary increases, workplace issues, single mothers need time with children, maternity leave. Fifty percent of our population just woke up.
“Fighting for their lives, they want it all now. They’re angry. Taking down icons. Turning the industry inside out. Soon a famous guy’s going to apologize for being white and Jewish.
“The centuries-old sexual division is today a revolution in every aspect of the media. FX is hiring half women.
“Next electricians will want their own bulbs. Hollywood’s become the industry’s political police.
“Everything this year’s changing gears. But, first, fix that boring program! Everybody gets an award. Specialists who remove pimples get statuettes. The show doesn’t work. It’s too long. Ratings are down.”
And where do you keep Oscar?
Timothy Hutton keeps his 1981 “Ordinary People” Oscar in his fridge . . . Susan Sarandon and Kate Winslet stash theirs in the loo . . . Ernest Borgnine schlepped his to parties . . . Mira Sorvino hid hers in a cupboard . . . Before everyone snarled at Richard Dreyfuss, his Best Actor statuette was on a shelf at home . . . Gwyneth Paltrow’s has been in storage. She says: “It actually freaked me out.”
Mel Gibson: “In my library.” Where he should stay himself . . . Jodie Foster: “Next to my bathtub” . . . Ellen Burstyn: “It’s old. Getting pitted. The bottom’s falling off. I need a new one” . . . Michael Caine: “My shelf’s crowded. I worry it’ll break and those things will knock me on the head.”
Let’s get right to the meat of the matter
“Our food industry’s making new rules. Beef dealers now guarantee there will never be mad cow disease in the US. However, I note they’re not ruling out a ‘pissed-off poultry epidemic.’ ”
Muttered only in New York, kids, only in New York.