It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Goop’s holiday gift guides have officially arrived.
For the 2020 Christmas season, Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle and wellness brand is recommending a whole host of characteristically over-the-top and extravagant presents for the loved ones on your list, many of them thoughtfully tailored to the age of quarantine.
Looking to sneak in a little self-care while stuck at home? Enjoy a soak in your custom concrete self-heating tub from Igneous Bath (from $100,000) or a snooze in your Goop x Avocado bed (from $38,000).
Can’t keep track of time during this seemingly endless, unbearable year? Simply consult your Van Cleef & Arpels “Frivole Secrète” watch ($44,700) — later, you can stash it in your Jessica McCormack custom heirloom jewelry box (from $26,000).
And these “ridiculous but awesome” gifts are just the beginning. Below, the Goopiest finds from this year’s guides.
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1. Loro Piana Fitness Set ($7,700)
Who wouldn’t want to work out with hand weights, a gym ball and a jump rope covered in cashmere?!
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2. Hermès Skateboard ($4,425)
Catch major air — if you’re an heir.
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3. Elizabeth Paige Smith Pyramid Commode ($35,000)
According to Goop, “this pyramid-shaped piece creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in, energetically lifting the vibrations.” Kanye West is a fan of the artist’s, which makes total sense.
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4. Igneous Bath Custom Concrete Self-Heating Tub (from $100,000)
Soak away your worries — and your life savings.
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5. Edie Parker Ouija Board ($1,995)
Because being able to communicate with spirits in style is worth the splurge.
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6. Van Cleef & Arpels Frivole Secrète Watch ($44,700)
They do say time is priceless …
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7. Stiliyana Minkovska Custom Birth Sill ($7,500)
Crafted by a London architect, this soft, squishy purple birthing chair “can accommodate different mammalian aptitudes,” according to its product description, and “allows the expectant parent to sit, kneel, squat, rest, lean and crawl until they find peace and comfort.”
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8. Studypod (from $13,600)
In this year of quarantine, why not pay an additional five figures to isolate in an even smaller space?
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9. Goop x Avocado Bed (from $38,000)
You snooze, you lose (all of your money). “We applied incredibly luxurious, ethically sourced GOTS-certified organic materials to a need that’s as essential as food, air, and water: sleep,” Paltrow wrote of this climate-neutral bespoke mattress, which costs a whole lot more than any of those other three necessities.
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10. Jessica McCormack Custom Heirloom Jewelry Box (from $26,000)
As Goop is quick to point out, this gift comes with a $9,500 Jessica McCormack jewelry credit — making it practically a steal!
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11. Tsuchiya Kaban Watermelon Bag (price upon request)
An extremely expensive purse for an extremely specific purpose.
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12. Kiki de Montparnasse Collar and Lead Bondage Set ($550)
Fifty shades of gold.
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13. Pampshade Batard Bread Lamp ($210)
Wait, isn’t Gwyneth gluten-free?