Teen Tells Bullies In Video: 'Every Day, I Wear Your Words'

GILBERT, AZ — The vicious words some kids hurl at their peers stick. Kalani Goldberg, 13, drove that point home in a video that illustrates the lasting power of bullying. As melancholy music plays in the background, the Phoenix-area eighth-grader sits alone, her T-shirt covered with adhesive-backed notes that convey some of the terrible things kids said about her — that she’s “ugly,” a “loser,” a “waste of space” and worse.

“Every day you say these things about me,” Kalani begins.

“I’m a sister, I’m a daughter, I’m a person and I have feelings,” she concludes. “Every day, I wear your words. Every day, it hurts. Every day, you are hurting me. Every day, you are hurting each other. I don’t want to wear your words anymore. So please stop. Stop hurting me.”

The video struck an emotional chord with some of the tens of thousands of kids across the country who have been bullied or cyberbullied — the online version of schoolyard taunts — and with their parents. Moms and dads used to fret about their children’s safety when they got their first car; now, a growing number worry their sons and daughters will run into a bully every time they go to school or turn on a computer and won’t make it out of adolescence alive.

A frightening number of children as young as Kalani have killed themselves to escape bullying, and tens of thousands stay home from school every day to avoid their tormentors. Over the next year, Patch will look at what many experts call a major public health crisis in a special reporting project, “The Menace of Bullies: Can We Stop This?”

Kalani got enough support with her video that her shamed bullies backed down and the other kids in her middle school stood up in her defense. The girl’s fame is one thing, but the bigger issue for Jared and Regina Goldberg is that they got Kalani to open up about the bullies who had been saying mean things about her for a couple of months.

To other parents, Regina offers this: Make your kids talk about what’s going wrong in their lives. Pry it out of them. For every excuse they give to clam up, give them a reason they shouldn’t.

“The first thing you hear from every parent (whose bullied child commits suicide) has been the same across the board,” Regina said. “They all said they had no idea something was wrong.”

NO STUPID REASONS FOR ANGST

It wasn’t easy to get Kalani to finally explain what had put her “in a mood” earlier this month — behavior her mother said went far beyond normal teen angst. The Goldbergs pressed for answers Kalani was initially reluctant to give.

When she said she “sits in her room and cries for no reason,” her parents countered there’s always a reason; when Kalani said her sadness was for “kind of a stupid reason,” Regina said “try me.”

“There’s no such thing as stupid feelings or feelings that don’t matter,” she told her daughter. “If it’s important to you, it's important to me and your dad.”

Kalani still wasn’t convinced. What did she have to complain about?

“I have a great life,” she told her parents before finally opening up. “You aren’t divorced and you like each other. I have too much to be grateful for.”

Bullied kids come in all body types, races, ethnicities and socioeconomic classes, and they’re as likely to be pretty and handsome as not, according to Nicholas Carlisle, the founder of NoBully.org and one of the nation’s leading experts on the topic. They may have low self-esteem or loneliness in common, but mainly they’re targeted because of a difference or perceived difference that sets them apart.

In Kalani’s case, that difference was her youth and intelligence.

She’s whip-smart and began reading the Harry Potter books at age 5. She started kindergarten at age 4, a year earlier than the other kids in her class. While the other girls in her class were talking about makeup, dating and boy bands, Kalani was more interested in social sciences and history.

“I’m smart and I like to participate in class and kids don’t like that,” Kalani told her mother.

“I don’t want you to dumb yourself down just to fit in,” her mother said.

PARENTS DID EVERYTHING RIGHT

The Goldbergs did everything right, according to Carlisle, who said that given children’s sometimes extreme response to bullying and cyberbullying, parents can’t take a hands-off approach. They “need to be talking to their children” about what’s going on in their lives, he said.

“Even before this happened, my husband and I made a point to always know what’s happening in our kids’ lives,” Regina said.

In their conversations with their three children, the Goldergs taught them not to be victims.

“In life, ups and downs are inevitable,” Regina said. “When life throws a pile of crap at you, it is your responsibility to take that and make something beautiful out of it. If that’s all you have to work with, you better get creative.”

The Monday after Kalani opened up to her parents, a boy called the 13-year-old girl a whore. She doesn't even think about dating. That’s when she said she wanted to make the video and confront her tormentors.

Her parents were cautious about the idea and worried her video could intensify the bullying, but they told her to write up a concept and they’d decide if she should go public. Within two hours of Regina posting the video on her Facebook page, news crews were responding and asking for interviews. Kalani got a shout-out on NBC’s “Today” show and her story showed up in headlines as far away as Budapest, Hungary.

The Goldbergs worried the global response to the video would subject Kalani to more backlash at school, so Regina went to school with her daughter.

“It was amazing,” Regina said. “She walked into her first class — orchestra — and her teacher and classmates were standing at the door waiting in line to give her a hug.”

So far, so good, Regina thought.

“This is just one class; you still have to get through the rest of the day,” she said as she left her daughter at the school.

AN APOLOGY FROM BULLIES

It was a good day for Kalani, and the bullies who had targeted her went out of their way to avoid her. They haven’t outright apologized and Kalani doesn’t expect them to, but after seeing her video, some other kids reached out to her “to apologize after recognizing something in their own behavior that they’re ashamed of.”

“I wasn’t planning to accomplish anything like that,” Kalani said. “I just wanted to tell them why their words bothered me. They made me feel bad about myself. I knew I was still me, but it made it hard to have self-confidence, and my self-esteem dropped a lot. I just felt empty in a sense.”

She hopes her experience is helpful to the 160,000 kids who experts say stay home from school every day because they want to avoid bullies.

“It was therapeutic, and I hope it will help other kids with the same problem know they’re not alone,” Kalani said. “That would amazing.”

Kalani has heard from kids from across the country who have struggled with bullying. Her advice:

“You’re not alone. There are other people who can relate — your friends and family are important, and they all care about you. It’s OK to talk about your feelings. There’s no such thing as stupid feelings, and never be afraid to open up. Your parents love you.”

She hopes the other kids, the ones who carelessly toss around insults, are watching and listening, too.

“If I can do more to empower other kids and encourage those who are bullying to see where they’re going wrong, it would mean more than being on a news headline,” Kalani said. “Fame isn’t really important; it’s making a difference.”

Kalani’s problems didn’t evaporate, but she feels better equipped to cope. The mean kids’ voices aren’t as amplified as they were a month ago.

“I still have bad anxiety,” she said, “but the things people are saying are a lot more irrelevant now. For every five people picking on me, 100 are supporting me and giving me positive support.”

Kalani’s parents are hopeful the empathetic response to their daughter’s video is permanent, but have warned her that “it could come and go like a shooting star,” Regina said.

“I hope her message continues to be heard and echo throughout the world and continue forever to make an impact,” she said.”I told her, ‘Right now, you’re trending, so whatever your message is, hit them with all you’ve got.’ ”

THE MENACE OF BULLIES: PATCH SERIES

Over the coming year, Patch will look at the roles society plays in bullying and a child's unthinkable decision to end their own life in hopes that we might offer solutions that save lives.

Do you have a story to tell? Email us at [email protected].

• Bullied To Death: When Kids Kill With Words
• The Bully Menace: What Patch Readers Said

Photo courtesy of Regina Goldberg