The Bully Menace: 'The Hurt Never Goes Away'

Bullying isn’t anything new, but its move from schoolyards to ubiquitous social media platforms makes it a far more menacing threat to today’s kids than the physical and verbal bullying their parents and grandparents faced. Older generations could escape their bullies when the school bell rang; for kids growing up in the age of social media, the bullying just never stops.

That’s one consensus among hundreds of comments and emails from Patch readers after we published “Bullied To Death: When Kids Kill With Words,” which launches a year-long look at a confounding national crisis that many consider nothing short of murder. That story profiled three young girls who decided they would rather die than endure more relentless online torment, and a fourth whose mother said she pulled her daughter out of school to save her.

Below are some themes in the emails and comments about our story. Patch will continue to explore these and other topics as the “Bully Menace” series continues.

THE HURT NEVER GOES AWAY

“This could have been me 40 years ago,” Bruce Melhorn wrote of Rosalie Avila, Mallory Grossman and Brandy Vela, three girls featured in the story who killed themselves after relentless bullying.

Melhorn survived merciless bullying 40 years ago, but barely, he wrote. He considered ending his own life on several occasions to escape the bullies who began targeting him in third grade, which escalated from verbal to physical attacks and continued through his high school years.

No one really listened — not his parents, who said bullying was just part of growing up, and not his teachers, who said, “I was to blame for the cruelty,” he wrote.

“I think I can understand some of what those girls must have been thinking, but it does nothing to diminish the pain of losing a loved one,” he wrote.

READ: Bullied To Death: When Kids Kill With Words

Joyce Piveral grew up in central New Jersey and attended school in the 1960s and 1970s, before the social media era. Her bullies isolated her and the torment escalated to threats of sexual assault by the time she reached the seventh grade. She turned to her school’s guidance counselor and “he laughed in my face” and said her complaint was petty, Piveral said in an email. “Somehow, he found this funny.”

She eventually dropped out of school and was tutored at home until she reached high school age.

“I’ve never gotten over the torment,” she wrote. “I remember my bullies’ faces and their every word and taunt. I remember every name. It was the same then as it is now, with nothing changing over 50 years since my experiences. But kids today have to deal with social media. I can’t imagine what I might have done if I had to deal with that nightmare.”

MORE PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT

When kids do the unthinkable and end their lives, many parents say they had no idea of the depths of their despair. Parents need to talk more to their kids and find out what’s going on in their lives, multiple people said.

“These are all tragic deaths but let's stand up and point the finger at the deficient parties — the parents,” wrote an online commenter identified as Fred. “They give the kids cellphones too young and then don't monitor their use or become involved enough in their kids’ lives. Then when something happens that the kids can't handle it's everyone else's fault.”

Failure is a part of life, he said.

“Kids are always going to be mean to other kids so you must equip them to handle this — not everyone is perfect and entitled to a trophy. This is the problem, we teach our kids they are the best and then when someone criticizes them they can't handle it.

“If you choose to have children then be involved in their lives and teach them how to handle loss, disappointment and other peoples' (meaningless) insensitive remarks. They are after all just words that we can choose to ignore and only harm us if we allow them to.”

Janet Rohan, who lives in New Rochelle, New York, taught her four children to stand up to bullies from the first moment of torment.

“They handled each case as they thought fit because that's what we told them to do — use their own resources to figure out what they could do to put a stop to a bully,” she wrote in an email. “Kids need to be taught to understand that they have strength inside of themselves. Outside threats can only hurt them if they allow it. And if they allowed it, they need to fix it.”

Her three daughters and one son are “extremely strong today,” she wrote. “They have feelings and can get hurt, but they understand their own inner strength and are able to get up and keep moving along in their lives no matter what comes along.”

A commenter identified as Lulu said kids need to learn that nothing, not even bullying, lasts forever.

“That's what we need to teach our children if they are in that situation,” she wrote. “They can take measures to at least reduce or deflect it. We need proactive ideas. If we just say, ‘oh the bully needs to stop and that's it,’ then good luck with that. Both sides need to change their behavior or reaction to a behavior. That is part of growing up. It takes time and patience is needed.”

Getting kids to open up isn’t easy, reader Dawn McGee wrote in an email, but it’s important. She called bullying an “epidemic” that is unhealthy for both the child who is bullied and the bully.

“One thing that makes dealing with bullying hard is that often kids won't even talk about their experiences because they feel embarrassed or feel it will only make things worse for them if their parents go to school to seek help, which it often does as schools are ill-equipped to deal with bullying,” McGee wrote. “Telling your child to ignore the bully or be tough doesn't really help either as they won't leave you alone and recruit others to join in with group bullying.

“Where are the parents of these destructive kids? You know if you have a nice kid — c’mon, you are their parents.”

“As parents it's important to observe your child's behavior at a young age and correct any inappropriate behavior that doesn't exhibit kindness and consideration of others,” she wrote. “As a parent, we have to instill in our children that they can always talk honestly about anything without worrying about any consequences.”

Ellen Eichelbaum, a gerontologist who works with adults who bully their kids, thinks the parents of bullies should be held accountable, too. She echoed what some of the experts we consulted said — in essence, bullying begets bullying.

“Where are the parents of these destructive kids?” her email read. “Talk to your own kids — the ones who are causing these tragedies. Get them the help they need. There is a reason why kids pick on other kids. It doesn’t come out of the blue. A deficit in their own self-esteem will often prompt them to insult others. You know if you have a nice kid — c’mon, you are their parents. You know if your kid has anger or insult issues. Even if you suspect it, talk to your kids often and in-depth.”

Commenter Lulu said it’s important to remember that “the bully is also a child.”

“We adults need to treat both the victim and the bullies with the same kindness,” she wrote.

Rohan, the mother from New Rochelle, New York,, agrees. She said she understands the frustration of parents who sue school districts when bullying continues unabated, but thinks they should shift their focus to the kids doing the tormenting.

“When found, the bullies should be punished, not the school,” Rohan wrote. “I firmly believe the bullies are the ones who need punishment, starting with removing their electronic devices and continuing with community service and counseling.

“The frontal lobes of their brains aren't fully developed and this would be a good way to help them develop the behavior part of their brains in a good way.”

Audrey Romero-Gillis wrote in a comment on the story that she doesn’t understand how bullies can continue to torment to the point that a child sees no options to stop it outside of suicide. She wrote that “a social worker would have to be aware of the child's actions,” and wondered why schools don’t step in.

“They blame the victim instead,” Romero-Gillis wrote. “If you blame a rape victim it would be horrible, and this is just as horrible. Stop the perpetrator!”

A Patch reader identified as Fairisfair pointed out that bullied kids often take out their frustration on others, including to the point that “they snap.” Another reader, Diane Griego, pointed out that in some school shooting cases, bullies “created the shooter.”

THE ROLE OF SCHOOLS

Reader Letitia Becker thinks that blame for a proliferation in bullying and cyberbullying is too often placed on schools.

“The schools did not put these devices in children’s hands and the schools do not have the right or opportunity to monitor the child’s use of these devices,” Becker wrote in an email. “The schools implement numerous/various regulations on usage/non-usage of these devices in school, but when a parent comes to pick up a confiscated phone, there rarely appears to be acceptance of responsibility for their child’s actions.

“The first point of initiation for a child having these devices is in their home.”

However, Dawn McGee said schools are in a position to teach empathy and kindness to students from preschool on, watch for signs of bullying and “not be dismissive about the issue.”

To do that, they need both community support and funding to ensure that teachers are properly trained to deal with bullying, she said.

“The schools did not put these devices in children’s hands and the schools do not have the right or opportunity to monitor the child’s use of these devices.”

“Bullies may only be lashing out because of circumstances in their own home where they may be abused either verbally and physically, and that is where a properly trained counselor and teachers can recognize signs that should be investigated further,” McGee wrote. “Some schools have one or two teachers that take the matter seriously and try to initiate programs to deal with bullying but need more support from school administration and parents.

“Dealing with bullying now and stopping it while our children are young will lead to a happier, healthier and more productive society in the future. It's time for all of us of all ages to step up, speak out and stop bullying.”

In a comment on the story, Phyllis Lehman said that in her experience as a parent, “schools and teachers do absolutely nothing when it comes to bullying.”

“I was part of a committee to try and stop this and was patronized and thwarted,” she wrote. “If the schools had a real, not lip service, commitment to the issue, it would be solved.”

She said teachers on the front lines need training, a reporting and punishment framework, daily lesson plans that address the issue and “common sense to make real strides in this totally winnable battle.

“Accountability of parents of bullies, often a source of the problem, would also go a long, long way.”

TAKE AWAY THE DEVICES

We heard multiple times that one strategy parents can use to control cyberbullying is to limit the amount of time kids spend on social media or take away their smartphones and other devices.

“The [parents of bullied children] blame the schools, the teachers. the other kids, the other kids’ parents etc., when they should be blaming themselves for giving their kids a device they are ill prepared or mentally unequipped to handle,” wrote Fred.

One reader, identified as Log Off, said that if kids feel tormented by what they read about themselves online, they should do as the handle implies — simply stay off social media.

However, others said, that may only compound the problem.

“That is not the answer,” wrote a reader identified as InMyOpinion40. “A bullied kid will know the comments continue all around him/her. Knowing that may be worse than seeing the comments online.”

“So while social media provides monster bullies a cyber stealth platform, it also affords victims a mechanism for healing.”

Other readers suggested blocking the bully, but the problem with that is “the bully will continue to broadcast disparaging remarks to everyone in their circle,” a reader identified as Ir4165 wrote. “Blocking just means the victim won’t see it.”

Social media may also provide a support network for kids who are cyberbullied, Darcy Fowkes said in an email. She pointed to the growth of #MeToo and other movements that have empowered victims of sexual harassment and assault. When her daughter was 14, the bullying she had endured escalated to sexual assault, and social media has been a safe, “powerful platform” for her to discuss the lasting effects of her experiences.

“Girls grow up to be women with powerful voices; victims of bullying who commit suicide do not grow up to stand up for their rights,” Fowkes wrote. “So while social media provides monster bullies a cyber stealth platform, it also affords victims a mechanism for healing.”

HELPFUL STRATEGIES

Tools to combat bullies should be as accessible to kids as social media, several readers commented. Alvin Butler, the executive director of Text2StopIt.org, which runs a school hotline, said his group just launched WhoCaresYouCare.org website to give kids and parents the tools they need to stay safe in schools.

“Parents and not even law enforcement have a clue as to how much is going on in their kids’ schools, but the students always know.”

“As I recently I watched yet another news story and witnessed the video of a child being beaten in school by a group of bullies, I began to write to a reporter complaining about how the school system bureaucracy is failing our kids, but the only words that came to mind were ‘who cares,’ ” Butler wrote in an email. “Who cares enough to step outside of their school system boxes, rules and policies to truly take action that can save our children from the torment thousands of our children experience every day?

"We have been talking with students resolving issues like bullying, drugs, suicides and even guns, in the school — in one case a student with an assault rifle. Parents and not even law enforcement have a clue as to how much is going on in their kids’ schools, but the students always know.”

He said WhoCaresYouCare.org reflects years of experience and information gathered from countless meetings with school administrators, politicians, law enforcement, counselors, PTAs and students.

Readers pointed to several others that allow for anonymous reporting — P3 Campus and STOPit and Colorado’s safe Safe2Tell, which is similar to many other state initiatives.

THE TRUMP EFFECT

Many readers called us out for a section in the story in which experts said the current atmosphere of deep political division and angry rhetoric has set back important conversations on bullying and cyberbullying. The story quoted two experts, Nicholas Carlisle of NoBully.org and Dr. Frederick Rivara, one of the authors of a 2016 National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine report that called on health officials to treat bullying as a major public health issue.

Both said that when national political leaders engage in social media bullying, parents need to talk to their kids about it. Carlisle noted a correlation between “degraded” political discourse and increased bullying in schools, and Rivara said “when the elected officials are guilty of harassment and bullying ... it's important for parents to point out that's not right.”

“Trump and his wife have absolutely nothing to do with what kids are doing to each other and can't pull out a magic wand and make it magically stop.”

“Maybe you should practice what you preach and stop sharing your political hatred and disapproval of our president and his wife,” Carolyn Sanderson wrote in an email. “Bullying is and always has been active in society and you should be looking for answers and solutions from the parents and homes instead of one man and his wife to solve these issues.

“Trump and his wife have absolutely nothing to do with what kids are doing to each other and can't pull out a magic wand and make it magically stop,” she continued. “Yet, you found it necessary to blame him and his wife when you have absolutely no idea what they are or aren't doing about it because you're not privy to classified info. So take your own advice and practice what you preach. If you don't have something nice to say about somebody, then don't say anything at all. Don't recall the Patch being appointed God and the right to judge others.”

Some readers said the president and other politicians are setting poor examples.

“There is relevance when the leader of the free world stays up all hours of the night hurling childish insults at those he perceives as enemies,” wrote a reader identified as gruntled. “And the list of his campaign name-calling instances is long — much too long to repeat here.”

It’s not just politicians — on both sides of the aisle — but other adult role models who are setting poor examples, readers said.

Many readers pointed out that late-night comedians bear responsibility, too.

“In order to stop the bullying, we need to address the adult bullies in our society who use social media to name-call anyone who doesn't think like them. In addition, look at the late night comedians whose non-stop bullying goes on every night,” wrote a reader identified as Amir.

And, a reader identified as Guy, added, “Watch any liberal talk or comedy show if you want to see the mechanics of how to bully.”

ABOUT THIS SERIES

Over the coming year, in hopes we might offer solutions that help save kids, Patch will look at society's roles and responsibilities in bullying and a child's unthinkable decision to end their own life .

Do you have a story to tell? Are you concerned about how your local schools handle bullies and their victims?

Email us at [email protected] and share your views in the comments.

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