Girl-To-Girl Bullying: Why It’s Different, Difficult To Confront

Some girls can be just plain mean. Often operating under a “pack mentality,” these girls isolate and banish their targets from the tribe, making them feel as if they don’t belong. They gossip and start rumors and call the other girls names. It’s nothing short of psychological warfare, often for the silliest of reasons, and the consequences can run the gamut from slumping grades to a girl’s unthinkable decision to end her life.

“And cyberbullying is even worse,” says Erik Stangvik, a top executive at No Bully, one of America’s top anti-bullying advocacy groups. “Girls use the digital landscape in a more vitriolic way.”

Girls and boys bully each other differently, demanding a different response, says Stangvik, No Bully’s vice president for development and strategy.

That’s one of the reasons the national anti-bullying advocacy group got behind “Girls Against Bullying,” a video featuring teen celebrities and girls-next-door that sends a powerful message: It really is not alright for girls to treat one another so brutally.

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Bullying among America’s youth has reached epidemic proportions, Stangvik says without hesitation.

“When one in three kids is involved in a bullying situation on a daily basis, you know that’s epidemic proportion,” he explains. “If this was something brought to the CDC and one in three people were getting some kind of disease, that would be an epidemic. We see this as such, so we’re constantly speaking to how we can eradicate this.”

As epidemiologists do with measles and flu outbreaks, Stangvik and his colleagues break down bullying, piece by piece.

“It’s more of a relationship thing” when girls bully girls, says Stangvik, emphasizing that he’s speaking not as a mental health expert, but as a father who helped guide two now-adult daughters through the minefield of bullying. “But I think — again, in general — boys sometimes can move outside of it, and also tend to be more physical bullies, pushier and shovier.”

‘It's Rampant; It Has To Stop’

Carrie Berk, a whirlwind of a young woman who at 16, is a bestselling author, playwright and social media influencer, wrote the script for “Girls Against Bullying.”

“All of us participating in this video have been bullied,” she says. “It's rampant; it has to stop. We should lift each other up instead of tear each other down.”

“They asked why I was dressing like that and put me down,” she says. “I surrounded myself with people who lifted me up instead of put me down.”

See Also: ‘Girls Against Bullying’: Teen Celeb Video Sends Powerful Message

Fortunately, her family was solidly behind her choice to express herself as she wanted, and she turned her style not only into a successful personal brand, but also an effective anti-bullying platform. It’s important, she says, “to build awareness from a teen perspective.”

Berk narrates the video, which features a half dozen teen stars from Broadway, film and television, as well about two dozen other teens who don’t have celebrity status but who have been tormented by their female classmates.

“Girls can be really mean and can really hurt each other,” says Berk, one of No Bully’s teen ambassadors. “There’s such a disconnect in how women are supporting each other, but among young girls, bullying is especially prevalent. The Women’s March, kindness movements and Me Too gave women a wakeup call they needed to unite and fight with force, but with young women, they went the other way.”

Berk isn’t sure why that happened. She doesn’t think young women necessarily reject the messages of various women’s empowerment movements, but rather just don’t see how how it applies to them.

She hopes “Girls Against Bullying” will help other girls understand just how harmful their mean treatment of other girls can be.

“I would like to say after this that bullying would be done,but that’s something that will probably never happen,” Berk says. “But I hope it touches even one person that and helps them to see what they’re doing is wrong.”

Such a resource would have made a world of difference when she was being bullied for what she chose to wear, Berk says.

“I felt hopeless, and there were a lot of tears,” Berk says. “I’d look in the mirror and think, ‘You’re not good enough’ and ‘reconsider your style.’ ”

Her first instincts were of hurt, then anger and finally “this need for revenge” that she managed to stifle. As time passed and with the support of her family, Berk realized something:

“My style is what makes me unique, and I should never let anyone dull my sparkle,” she writes on “Carrie’s Chronicles,” her style empowerment website that celebrates “unapologetic individuality.”

What a difference a few years have made for Berk.

“But being yourself is important,” she advises other teens. “Always stay true to who you are. Changing who you are won’t make you feel better, but worse. Stay faithful to yourself, and people will accept you for you.”

Girls who bully other girls “aren’t inherently mean, just insecure,” Berk says. “We’ve all slipped once in a while, especially young girls discovering who we are by messing up, growing and learning who we are.”

To them, she says: “Watch this video.”

To both girls who bully and their targets, she adds: “Spread this video as much as possible, and I hope it touches young girls across the world.”

If nothing else comes of the video, Berk hopes thevideo will reinforce the message that “has been drilled into my head as an ambassador for No Bully and something I try to teach to others: Always choose kindness.”

“Girls Against Bullying” also features teen celebrities Oona Laurence, a Tony Award winning Broadway and film actress; Milly Shapiro, a Tony Award winner and teen ambassador for No Bully; Donshea Hopkins, one of the stars of "Orange is the New Black"; Hawwaa Ibrahim, "Project Runway: Junior" designer and activist; and Nerghiz Sarki, one of the stars of Broadway's "Fiddler on the Roof."

They are “strong examples of young women who are willing to sit in their own power,” Stangvik says. “I love seeing these transformative moments when young women — young men, too, but young women in particular — use their voices.”

The video wasn’t a gimmick No Bully and The Kind Coalition, which also backs the project, came up with to spread their messages, but rather a product of empowerment of the young women who appear in it.

“Carrie and this lovely team of young women took on this initiative themselves,” Stangvik says. “They did all the work. We’re just a conduit of the tremendous work they’ve done. They’re extraordinary young women, and I can’t say enough good things about them.”

Why Girls Bully Other Girls

Data supports that girl-to-girl bullying is more relational than boy-on-boy bullying, Stangvik says, pointing to a cultural narrative around girls’ self-esteem and body image, “from what they weigh to what they wear to their makeup.”

Girl bullying is often more passive aggressive, making it more difficult to confront. It happens in school restrooms and hallways, at dance practice, and, increasingly, on social media, where the targets can never entirely escape.

“It’s really difficult for young women to navigate,” Stangvik says. “They’re pushed up against by their peers, but culturally as well. Like any societal issue, it’s very layered, very complex, very nuanced and can also be plain hateful.”

Relational aggression is often secretive and requires planning, while the physical abuse boys often engage in is more impulsive. That’s easier to confront because it can be seen, experts say.

In contrast, girl-to-girl bullying is practically invisible, but the trauma can last a lifetime, Suzanne SooHoo, a professor of education at Chapman University in Orange, California, writes in the scholarly article, “Examining the Invisibility of Girl-to-Girl Bullying in Schools,” published a decade ago.

The sad truth, is that in some cases, girls are simply born into relational bullying, according to SooHoo, who notes in her paper that the behavior has been passed from mother to daughter throughout the generations.

“Damaged young girls become damaged adult women,” SooHoo writes, citing published research. “Mothers who did not know what to do when they were girls still do not know how to handle girl-to-girl bullying as women. Many are unable to intervene when their daughters are bullied and they continue to be victims of adult female bullies.”

Confronting it takes a deliberate strategy and a rejection of the notion that bullying is “normal and intrinsic to the process of developing friendships,” according to SooHoo.

No Bully says on its website that girl-to-girl bullying often starts at a young age. “You can’t play with us,” a girl might say. By the time girls reach middle school, bullying accelerates to backstabbing and other social manipulations.

As No Bully explains it, relational bullying is shaped by gender, class and ethnicity, and is most common among middle class girls among whom a high value is placed on being “nice” and non-aggressive. White middle class girls, especially, are prone to non-violent, passive aggressive responses to conflict, while still maintaining a facade of niceness.

In contrast, the bullying prevention organization says, girls in inner city schools are more inclined to engage in verbal and even physical aggression, but less backstabbing.

Tips For Parents

The challenge for parents and schools is to help girls navigate what are normal ups and downs in friendships without resorting to passive aggression, No Bully says. Some tips:

• Talk to girls about what makes a good friend and how to keep a friend. A good conversation starter is what makes a girl popular and why their friends like them. Talk to them about caring for their friends as they would a precious item. Make sure girls understand how hurtful it can be when they exclude or bully other girls.

• Teach girls how to avoid conflicts over boys. Talk to them about nurturing their friendships with girls while they explore relationships with boys, whether it’s OK to go out with a friend’s boyfriend and what to do if a friend’s boyfriend flirts with them.

• Present girls with scenarios about relational bullying and have discussions about what to do if they become a target of bullying or a bystander.

• Teach them to be problem-solvers when they encounter inevitable difficulties so they don’t turn into major blow-ups. Girls need to be assertive versus aggressive or passive-aggressive, but also need help understanding the best response when they’re feeling angry and how passive aggression affects those around them.

• Be clear about the expected behavior, especially when girls reach middle school.

• When a girl is isolated, connect them to resources that will make them feel wanted and valued. Some examples include Girls Circle, Girl Scouts, Volunteens, Boys and Girls Clubs of America

• Parents should work with schools to mediate some of the negative cultural pressures on their daughters.

The Menace Of Bullies: A Patch Series

Patch has been looking at society's roles and responsibilities in bullying and a child's unthinkable decision to end their own life in hopes we might offer solutions that save lives.

Do you have a story to tell? Are you concerned about how your local schools handle bullies and their victims?

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Earlier In This Series

• Bullied To Death: When Kids Kill With Words
• America's Shameful Truth About School Shooters And Bullying
• Bullied 10-Year-Old’s Suicide 8th In School District This Year
• 3-Week Nightmare: How Bullying Pushed My Son To Run Away
• Teen Tells Bullies In Video: 'Every Day, I Wear Your Words'
• 'The Hero Myth': Why Expecting Kids To Fight Bullies Is Harmful
• 'Mr. Anti-Bully': Reformed Bully, 12, Sets Mistake Right
• Mallory Grossman Bullying Detailed In Wrongful Death Suit
• Malden Schools Were Non-Compliant Through Bullying Saga: DOE
• 'They All Failed And Changed A Child': Malden Bullying Detailed
• Parents Say Indianapolis Schools Failed To Protect Their Child
• Mom Speaks About Bullying Heartbreak: 'I Feel I Failed Him'
• Why These Kindergartners Start Each Day With A Handshake
• Indiana Teacher Ties Compassion Into School Curriculum
• Kindness Challenge: Confronting Bullying Where It Happens Most
• The Bully Menace: 'The Hurt Never Goes Away'
• Bullies And Their Targets The Same: Digital Self-Harm Rising
• Boy, 6, Overcomes Bullying, Heart Condition To Spread Kindness
• Williamsburg Poetry Teacher Helps Bullied Kids Open Tortured Minds
• Bullying Tougher To Confront When It's Bias-Based: Researchers
• Wisconsin Students Protest Racial Bullying At High School
• Bullied New Hampshire 5th Grader Makes Tearful Plea
• The Bully Menace: 13 Age-Appropriate Reads
• Teen's 'I Wear Your Words' Video Inspires Nashville Songwriters
• Grace's Law 2.0 Stalls In Maryland General Assembly

From The Experts

• 'The Anti-Bully': Talk And, Especially, Listen To Your Kids
• The Bully Menace: Patch Experts Offer Tips To Parents
• Anti-Bully Experts Offer Tips On Sometimes Deadly Encounters
• Understanding The Bully: They're Often Victims, Too, Experts Say

What We've Learned

• The Bully Menace: What Patch Has Learned About Childhood Torture