The Menace Of Bullies: Patch’s Experts Answer Your Questions

As part of Patch’s year-long reporting project on bullying and cyberbullying, we’ve assembled a panel of experts to offer helpful advice on navigating what for many is a tortured path through their adolescence and teen years. These nationally recognized experts and educators will answer readers’ questions during October, National Bullying Prevention Month, and throughout the remainder of the year.

Bruises and torn clothing make it easy for parents to see if their child has been physically bullied, but other effects of torment are more easily hidden. Some kids weather it, but for others, bullying and cyberbullying may have life-altering consequences.

Below, meet Patch’s experts and read their answers to some of the questions that frequently surfaced in comments and emails in response to our Patch series, “The Menace Of Bullies.” To submit a question, we’ve embedded an easy-to-use form at the bottom of this story, or you can email your question to [email protected].

The Patch Experts

Jim Dillon has been an educator for more than 35 years, including 20 years as a school administrator. While a principal at an elementary school in New York, he developed the Peaceful School Bus Program to prevent and reduce bullying and it is now being implemented at schools around the country. A certified bullying prevention program trainer, he’s a coach for the Center for Leadership and Bullying Prevention and was a participant and presenter at the first National Summit on Bullying Prevention.

Ross Ellis, founder and CEO of STOMP Out Bullying, is nationally recognized for her work in preventing bullying, cyberbullying and violence against children, and also is an online safety expert. Her organization’s services include a help/chat line that is staffed round the clock. She provides expert commentary for news stories about bullying and cyberbullying, and also is a frequent keynote speaker on the topics.

Suzanne Principe taught for 31 years before she retired in 2010, and comes from a family of teachers and school administrators. She spent the bulk of her career in New Haven, Connecticut, where she taught mostly kindergarten, but also fourth grade and second grade. She says she’s not surprised at the increase in bullying, given the violence youths see on television and in adult behavior. She believes in “personal responsibility” and says that “people are in charge of their own behavior and teaching children the same way.”

Dr. Steven Richfield is a clinical psychologist with more than 30 years experience. He maintains a full-time private practice in a Philadelphia suburb, has written about bullying for Patch and in 1998, published his “Parent Coaching Cards” that have been used worldwide to help parents develop skills that will address the source of their kids' social and behavioral struggles.

Nancy Willard, who has a master’s degree in special education and is an attorney, is the founder and director of Embrace Civility in the Digital Age. A pioneer in cyberbullying research and a published author on bullying prevention, she believes that parents and other adults in a position of authority, including school officials, need to teach civility both through leadership and more directly in civility education.

You Asked ...

How can I tell if my child is being bullied?

Many adolescents and teenagers may be reluctant to admit they’re being bullied or feel stigmatized by it, but they’re also at an age where they are exerting their independence from their parents and feel they can handle things on their own, Dillon says, so asking them about bullying directly may be counterproductive.

Dillon advises: “It is important to make sure that you have regular conversation times with your child so that they become accustomed to talking in general about how things are going in their lives. Given all that, I would be alert for changes in their mood, any hesitancy they might have to go to school, and/or any reluctance to participate in social events. These non-verbal cues might be red flags. It is also helpful to have relationships with your child's friends who could tell you how things are going in school. A sibling might also be able to share some information about what is happening in school.”

Ellis says bullying can take several forms: physical (hitting, punching, beating); verbal (teasing, name calling, threats); emotional (intimidation using gestures, social exclusion, threats); sexual; racist bullying, cyberbullying (online harassment, hate messages, threats, impersonation and other digital abuse); or hazing.

Some warning signs to look for:

• Your child comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings;
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches;
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time;
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers;
• Finds or makes up excuses as to why they can’t go to school;
• Takes a long out of the way route when walking to or from school;
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school;
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home;
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments;
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
• Experiences a loss of appetite;
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem.

Ellis says children with disabilities may be at higher risk of being bullied than other children, and that the symptoms of bullying could also indicate other types of abuse. If your child displays any of those signs, talk with them and the school staff to learn more about what’s going on, she says.

What can I do to make sure my child has positive relationships with her peers? Are there social skills I can actively coach to reduce the chance he will be targeted by kids who bully?

First, Richfield says, it’s important for parents to build an open and trusting relationship with their children to increase the chances they’ll talk about their encounters with their peers, either good or bad. It’s also important that they believe the information will be kept private and won’t be shared with other adults, except the other parent.

“Many children in my practice have shared their fear that a mother/father will speak to parents of their friends about the substance of what they share, and that this will ‘backfire big time’ on them,” Richfield says. “Don't minimize the significance of what they share, as your child may then associate your response to one incident as indicative of how you will respond to others. Consider that sometimes they may be ‘testing’ you to determine your trustworthiness.

“The issue of whether kids can trust that their parents will not over-react, minimize, or share with other ancillary adults, is often the determiner of whether parents hear about the more significant events in their peer life.”

Without excusing kids who bully, gently suggest to your child that he may be drawing negative attention to themselves through things like poor hygiene, clothing that is too immature for their age, attention-seeking or regressive behaviors, and self-control.

“If your child displays any of these red flags, offer to help them upgrade,” Richfield says. “Confident communication skills is one of the keys to helping your child build positive relationships with peers.”

If I suspect my child is being bullied, but won’t open up, what are some ways I can start the conversation?

As Richfield noted, it’s important for parents to gently question their children without being intrusive and to make it “safe” for them to open up, Willard says. They may think they deserve the treatment or feel shame about failing to effectively respond to bullying, or that their parents will notify school officials, who may not respond in a way that is helpful and, published research suggests, make things worse.

“So what is the answer? Improving the response,” Willard says. “I think the bottom-line concern of any young person is that if he or she tells any adult what is happening, the adult will want to take things over and try to ‘fix things’ — which has a good chance of making things worse.

“What young people want most is autonomy — personal control. Especially if they are being bullied, their personal power is being taken away. They don't want some adults doing more to take away their personal power. So an absolute solid commitment needs to be made to any child or teen who is being bullied: Nothing will happen in an effort to address this situation without their full participation and approval!

“Parents can lay the groundwork for this by always avoiding efforts to control their child and instead shift to engaging with their child in problem solving to decide how to proceed.”

What should I do if I think my child is a bully?

The tendency to bully can begin before school age if children are reared in an environment without structure and discipline, says Principe, who cites federal research that suggests if children haven’t learned self-discipline and self-control by age 7, they’re less likely to later on.

“If you think your child is a bully, he probably is,” Principe advises. “Check your structure at home first — rules and boundaries. If you have none, start slow and be firm. Make sure you know where your child is at all times and what they are doing, and how they talk to others on the phone or in person.

“Model correct behavior,” she continues. “It won’t be easy and won’t happen quickly, but the more modeling you do — the nicer you are to other people you encounter in life with your child — the better and better they become.

“Talk with them and share stories of your encounters in your young life of any times you encountered bullying and how you handled it. Tell them if you were a bully and how much you regret it now.

“Teachers often have good suggestions so speak to your child’s teacher. If you have heard from the teacher that your child bullies others, please support the teacher. Don’t scream at the teacher and expect her to instantly change your child’s behavior. It started a long time ago at home.”

Do you have a question for our experts? Pose it in the form below:

The Menace Of Bullies: A Patch Series

Through the end of the 2018, Patch will continue its in-depth look at society's roles and responsibilities in bullying, which can lead to a child's unthinkable decision to end their own life, in hopes we might offer solutions that save lives.

Do you have a story to tell? Are you concerned about how your local schools handle bullies and their victims?

Email us at [email protected] and share your views in the comments.

Earlier In This Series

• The Bully Menace: When Kids Kill With Words
• America’s Shameful Truth About Bullies And School Shootings
• ‘They All Failed And Changed A Child’: Bullying Detailed
• Teen Tells Bullies In Video: 'Every Day I Wear Your Words'
• Teen's 'I Wear Your Words' Video Inspires Nashville Songwriters
• Bullying Of Mallory Grossman Detailed In Lawsuit Against School
• Bullies And Their Targets The Same: Digital Self-Harm Rising
• Why These Kindergartners Start Each Day With A Respectful Handshake
• Bullying In New York City Schools Never Worse: Survey
• The Bully Menace: 13 Great Books For Kids Of All Ages

Patch graphics by Kristin Borden