Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are fostering a 9-year-old boy, “Edward.” The kid has had a rough time of things, which I suppose is expected if he’s in the foster system at all, and while the information I’ve gotten of his time with his biological parents is pretty sketchy, it’s obvious that he was severely neglected and often under or even unfed.
Edward hoards food. Make him a meal, and he’ll typically eat about a third of it and try to hide the rest of the food away. He’ll stash the food everywhere, mostly in his room, but sometimes he’ll wrap it in clothes or stuff tidbits in furniture. It’s causing the house to smell, and it’s attracting bugs. I do clean up where and when I can, but I’m sure he’s got stuff that I’ve missed because this is pervasive.
He is in therapy, but I’m not kept in the loop about what they’re discussing, and I don’t know if this is even on the list. In any event, it’s likely to be a long, hard road before serious progress is made on whatever insecurities he has driving this behavior. I can’t wait that long. He’s destroying my house. I don’t blame him, but I need something I can do while he works on this issue.
—Have You Ever Cleaned Mustard Out of a Shoe
Dear Have You Ever,
You may not be privy to what is discussed in Edward’s therapy sessions, but you should be able to tell his therapist about his behavior. Let them know it’s a serious issue and ask for any guidance they may be able to provide. In the meantime, acknowledge that there have been times in the past where he was hungry and assure him that he’ll always have food as long as he’s in your home. Ask him if he feels comfortable sharing some of his past experiences and focus on drilling in the fact that he won’t ever deal with that here. Make sure that he has constant access to food and that he doesn’t have to ask you every time he wants something to eat. Teach him how to heat up leftovers and get a stash of snacks that are left in the kitchen just for him. Talk to him about the problem with storing food in other places; I’m sure he wouldn’t want to live among bugs, especially if he dealt with them in his previous home. Allow him to be part of the process of purchasing, preparing and, deciding upon meals. If you pack him a lunch, make sure you’re sending enough food to hold him down for the whole school or camp day.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have an 8-year-old who loves animals, reading, drawing, and playing pretend. She is unapologetically unique; she NEVER tries to conform or fit in with her peers and always speaks her mind. She also loves video games and HATES sports, other physical activities (such as dance), and competing. She says, and I quote, “I don’t play competitive games.” She has done activities throughout her life that have stuck for a bit but then would crumble to pieces after a few weeks/months with defiance, non-participation, eye rolls, whining, crying, etc. I think her confidence is pretty low because she doesn’t particularly excel at many physical things. But she also doesn’t seem interested in practicing and getting better at anything. She just hates it all.
I was allowed to give up and avoid hard stuff when I was a kid, so I really have no context for how hard I should push/encourage her to do something. I think she’d excel on a swim team because she is a strong swimmer and she has potential there. Alternatively, martial arts would be a good option. She did that for a whole year before she turned defiant with that activity.
I am not an athlete, and neither is my wife. But I did gymnastics (recreationally) as a child, my wife danced, and our almost 6-year-old does gymnastics. In my opinion, kids should be involved in at least one physical activity to learn teamwork, perseverance, etc. But maybe I’m off.
—To Push or Not to Push
Dear Push,
Sports and other physical activities can help kids learn a lot, sure, but there are other avenues for them to get those lessons. If you were worried that your daughter wasn’t getting enough exercise, that might be one thing, but if she’s moderately active and gets PE in school, I don’t think you should push her into something that will likely make her unhappy. Have you considered signing her up for the Girl Scouts? They teach girls great life skills and many of the same lessons that she’d get from a sport. Instead of pushing your daughter to do something athletic, focus on finding an activity that she’ll love; that could be scouting, or art classes. She may enjoy knitting or volunteer work. That’s not to say you should give up on physical activities all together, but you should wait until she organically discovers one that she’s actually interested in.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How should we kindly deal with tweens who are personally opposed to puberty? My younger kid is almost 12, and riiiight at the point where we need to start talking about deodorant. She hates that she’s getting taller (she is unlikely to be more than five feet tall, ever, but her present 4’9” is too much for her). I bought her some little half-camisoles; they aren’t quite training bras and she’s clearly uncomfortable being topless at this point (like, even in a dressing room with me) and sometimes complains about the feeling of her dress moving against her chest. She’s probably going to get her period sometime in the next year (and she knows this). But she absolutely won’t talk about any of this—not that I want to have a heart-to-heart, but if I’m offering an item or information she needs as her body changes, she won’t engage at all. She’s super embarrassed about the camisoles and won’t talk about them. She’s refusing to have the deodorant conversation.
She’s generally very private, but we have a warm, close relationship, and generally we can talk about anything. She’s read books about puberty; she knows what’s coming. For what it’s worth, it’s not that she’s trans or gender-nonconforming. It’s not that she wants to be male; it’s that she wants to be a kid. My older kid (boy) was like this a very little bit, but got over it pretty quickly and now thinks it’s all kind of exciting. What to do?
—Puberty Woes
Dear Puberty Woes,
First things first: sit Baby Girl down and explain that it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable talking about these things can be, she must take deodorant seriously and that she may face severe social consequences if she refuses to wear it. Allow her to pick out a brand and scent she likes and refuse to leave the store until she does.
You may want to consider getting your daughter a therapist. It may be too weird or awkward for her to discuss the changes she’s going through with you, but she may be willing to speak to a neutral party. I would suggest finding a younger woman, who she may find more relatable than you (sorry!). Let her know that if she doesn’t talk to you, she needs to talk to someone and that a therapist would have experience helping other kids get through this.
Do your best to try and let your daughter know that while puberty may be scary, she can handle it. Assure her that she doesn’t have to abandon her favorite things (such as dolls or games) because she’s getting older. Explain that not talking about these things won’t make them any easier and that kids generally require some support coping with all the newness. And ensure that she’s actually read these books about puberty that you’ve given her.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I grew up with a mother who had significant mental health struggles. There was a ton of volatility in our home: a lot of screaming, manipulation, threats, etc. As a kid, I regularly told my mother how much I hated her and what a terrible mother she was, and I can still remember how deeply I felt and meant these things.
My 7-year-old is getting a really different experience. My husband and I aren’t perfect, but we are patient, loving, we hardly ever yell, we empathize with our kid even when he’s being challenging … and he regularly tells me how much he hates me and what a terrible mother he thinks I am. (A typical example: He asks for ice cream. I say not today. He spirals into talking about how I’m always mean to him and never care about him. I know, I know, this seems like it could just be manipulation to get ice cream, but I know my kid—at the time he says it, he truly believes it!) I find this so upsetting. I have worked so hard to give my kid what I didn’t get, and he still seems to feel so wronged and misunderstood.
I could use some perspective: Is this just the kind of stuff that all kids say? Should I try not to take it to heart? Is it possible I’m actually doing something really wrong and I just am not seeing it? How should one respond to a kid who regularly says “I hate you?”
—Meanie Mom
Dear Meanie Mom,
This is completely normal behavior for kids who do not yet have great emotional regulation and can’t fathom how bad it feels for a parent to hear something like that. He’s having an outsized reaction to normal occurrences, which is pretty typical for a 7-year-old. I understand that his words are hurtful, and may even trigger feelings from your own childhood, but you can’t take them personally. He doesn’t hate you; he doesn’t know what it means to hate someone. Explain that hate is a strong word and that we shouldn’t use it unless we mean it. When he says these things, let him know that they are very hurtful and ask him how he would feel if you, or one of his friends, were to say the same to him. Don’t give into his demands; instead, tell him that he needs to take a moment to think about what he’s said. Talk about all the things you do for him and ask him if you would do that if you didn’t care about him. Make sure he apologizes to you whenever he says something mean.
—Jamilah
