How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m (F) married to a wonderful man who I have (and always had) limited sexual chemistry with. With previous partners, I was very aroused when sleeping with them and had no problem getting to orgasm.
With my husband, I have to fantasize during the act in order to get there. (I imagine different scenarios that I find sexy—often that he’s a stranger I’m hooking up with.) I’ve never told him this. I’d love to actually be present in the moment with him, but it’s been almost a decade and I don’t know how. Is there a way for me not to rely on fantasy? If that’s not possible, how do I drum up new fantasies? Mine work, but I’m bored of using the same ones.
—Limited Imagination
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Rich Juzwiak: “Is there a way for me not to rely on fantasy?” I think that in this case, fantasy is the answer. Fantasy is the solution. It’s the way through. Our writer knows her body and her response better than we do, certainly. And thus far, the answer for her is no. So, in terms of her specific question about conjuring or training oneself, I feel like she’s doing what she has to do.
Jessica Stoya: I don’t know from the letter whether there was maybe a little more sexual chemistry at the beginning, but regardless of whether it’s always been flat or became flat, as Esther Perel can tell us, committed relationships that are closed and monogamous tend to hit this point where the spark takes effort. And completely apropos nothing, my gut says vibrator. I feel like a psychic. I’m like, I don’t know where this is coming from, but does vibrator mean anything to you? I just have this hunch that it might be that introducing a different kind of physical stimulation can put her focus back on the body in the current moment, in a way that achieves what she wants.
Rich: Yeah, definitely. I also think that in terms of add-ons, she’s already imagining different scenarios that she finds sexy. Often, that her husband is a stranger that she’s hooking up with. That’s a role-play scenario that they could do together, and maybe that would be enough. Then, she’d be letting him in on the fantasy. That’s something to work with. They’ve been together for years, and so it is not at all ridiculous to say, “Let’s spice things up. Let’s fantasize. Let’s bring in a vibrator.” These are all reasonable things that I think a lot of sex-positive people would receive well—at least without getting all broken up about it, if not enthusiastically.
Jessica: Absolutely. As far as drumming up new fantasies, there’s a big world of sexually explicit and suggestive media out there. For example, Bridgerton is really good when it comes to the sex parts.
Rich: I haven’t watched it, but that’s what people say.
Jessica: It’s got these cheesy elements to it. At the very beginning of the first episode, you know exactly who’s going to end up together and it’s just a question of how, but the scenarios are quite sexy. The sex is depicted very well. I know Slate does a sex scene review column that can also point her in some other directions that are in the PG-13 or R category. There are also a ton of romance novels and erotic literature. Rachel Kramer Bussel’s anthologies are ones that I recommend a lot. And also, porn.
Rich: Right, I was going to say porn. I feel like mostly mine are generated from that.
Jessica: Yeah, you just watch and read stuff until you find something where you’re like, “Oh, this feels like really fertile ground and expansive. Maybe that’s my new thing.”
Rich: Also, again, that could be done with the husband. All of this stuff could involve inviting him in. She says he’s wonderful and she wants to make this connection with him. So it’s about developing new connections. It doesn’t just have to be: OK, we have this dynamic and now we need to figure out how to make this dynamic work. You can figure out new dynamics. You can figure out how to incorporate other stuff if you’re not getting stimulation from what you’re currently doing. It does not have to be an explicit: “Hey, I’m not really into you and I think about other things during sex, so what can we do?” You can be way more open-ended with a, “I want to try this stuff.” He probably won’t interrogate you about it. He’ll probably just be like, “OK. Novelty. Great.”
I would just encourage our writer not to be timid about this or feel bad or be scared that there’s going to be some kind of negative reaction. Introduce this stuff and see how it goes.
Jessica: Yes. It can be as simple as, “I had this fantasy where you were a stranger, but it was still you.” Or, “I suddenly have this desire to incorporate sex toys. What do you think?”
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