Clover Hogan

I was two weeks past my 20th birthday when we met.

22 years my senior and a high-flyer in sustainability, he approached me after I spoke at a climate event. He was full of praise and enthusiasm, business card outstretched.

In his first email, he rattled off a list of his achievements (hyperlinked), and invited me to brunch to discuss how he might help me as a mentor. We met twice and exchanged many messages; he took a keen interest in my outlook and ideas. On the third meeting, he proposed we write a book together. "There's an upcoming meeting of sustainability professionals," he said. "We could start on the outline then." I had no reason to refuse. Writing a book was a long-time dream, and he was a published author. So early into my career, I felt chuffed that someone in his position was willing to support me. He even offered to cover the travel costs as a business expense.

On the journey over, I filled page after page of my notebook with book ideas. Yet when I arrived at the event, it wasn’t quite the ‘gathering of professionals’ he'd described. It was, in fact, a weekend getaway to celebrate his friend’s 40th birthday. A guest asked if I was an au pair to one of the several children running around. I laughed this off in an attempt to conceal my confusion and discomfort. I did the same when my mentor showed me my accommodation: a single room with twin beds, which we’d be sharing.

Over two days, I quieted my unease by writing. Every time I suggested we work on the book, he dismissed me: stating that we needed to ‘relax’ and get into the right headspace. I texted my then-boyfriend about how weird it all was, but my tone was light; making fun, to avoid my anxiety. On the final day of the trip, he agreed to start brainstorming — after we picked up breakfast in town. En route, we were driving through a remote area when he pulled over. Every word died in my throat as scenarios flashed in my mind. Noticing the lack of reception on my phone, all I could think was I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.

I feigned a laugh, and asked what he was doing. In response, he launched into a monologue. The night before, he’d dreamed that I’d ‘crawled into bed’ with him. He was ‘ so disappointed to wake up and know that it wasn’t real’. Twice divorced, he’d realised that I was his ‘first true love’; couldn’t I see that we were ‘soulmates’? I sat mutely throughout it all. When he finished, and the silence stretched long, he asked me why I was being cold. I shook my head, numb, as my brain ticked into over-gear. I was trying to remember every infographic and video I’d watched on how to escape this type of situation safely. I must not embarrass him, insult him, or do anything that might trigger him.

I started with apologies. I’m sorry I seemed so cold. Did you notice I have a bit of a resting bitch face? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry, but I thought we were two professionals working together. I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend . With this last statement, he interjected, defensive and aggressive: my relationship with my boyfriend ‘wasn’t real’, and he was ‘getting in the way of us being together’.

I tried a different approach. I actually don’t feel too well; I think I might be car sick. I’d really feel much better if we headed back now so I can rest. He took his time considering, then obliged, flicking the ignition on.

Back at the accommodation, I asked one of the other guests to join me in the room while I threw my clothes into a bag and prepared to catch the next flight back to London. When I landed, he’d texted me an apology for being ‘too open’. I blocked his number.

Over the following week, I told three people close to me what had happened. One asked if I hadn’t led him on my agreeing to the trip in the first place. The second was sympathetic, but asked if I was happy for her to continue working with him in a professional capacity. Only one friend suggested I report him. I was reluctant. I wanted to forget it had ever happened.

Months later, he attempted to contact me on other social media platforms — which I also blocked. I avoided him at sustainability events. When he went so far as to contact a friend in order to get my details, I decided to reach out to HR at his organisation. I detailed my experience over a call. Following an internal review, I was informed that “… We have spoken with [him] at length and have his assurance that he will not make any attempts to contact you.” I was underwhelmed by their response.

Before this point, I chose not to share my story because I believed it was my fault. I believed I’d been naïve to think someone like him might actually value my ideas; in retrospect, it seemed abundantly clear that he had ulterior motives from the start. Now, I can see what utter bullshit that is. At 20, I was smart, and passionate; I was also green and ambitious. The 42-year-old I considered my mentor chose to prey on me for no other reason than I was young, and without power. I didn’t have the platform I do now.

While I’ve spent the past four years quietly warning other youth activists about him, I share this story now, compelled by the growing tide of #metoo. Our industry is not exempt. Indeed, I believe it’s one of the most precarious to be a young woman. As activists, we’re often engaging with people in high places, and told to be grateful for the opportunity. The leaders of NGOs are protected by an image of do-goodery. I can already hear what people might say: how could someone so altruistic possibly be a predator?

It’s long overdue that we change business-as-usual, in every sense. That we ask those most vulnerable within the system what they need to feel safe, and supported. That we stop shielding abusers and dismissing victims when they do come forward. And that we not be afraid to challenge institutions of power, including those who uphold them — no matter how shiny their image.

Clover Hogan

London, England, United Kingdom 53K followers 500+ connections

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Articles by Clover

Beneath the Green Veneer: When dangerous men hide behind their activism

By Clover Hogan

Experience

Force of Nature

Courses

BA (Honours) Environmental Studies

Q99

Languages

English

Native or bilingual proficiency

French

Full professional proficiency

Indonesian

Limited working proficiency

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