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The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed Paperback – August 23, 2016
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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
“Gripping…how can teachers snatch back their critical role and give children the necessary space to fail? They could start by making parents read Lahey.” — New York Times Book Review
In the tradition of Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, this groundbreaking manifesto focuses on the critical school years when parents must learn to allow their children to experience the disappointment and frustration that occur from life’s inevitable problems so that they can grow up to be successful, resilient, and self-reliant adults.
Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents who rush to school at the whim of a phone call to deliver forgotten assignments, who challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. As teacher and writer Jessica Lahey explains, even though these parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their children’s well being, they aren’t giving them the chance to experience failure—or the opportunity to learn to solve their own problems.
Overparenting has the potential to ruin a child’s confidence and undermine their education, Lahey reminds us. Teachers don’t just teach reading, writing, and arithmetic. They teach responsibility, organization, manners, restraint, and foresight—important life skills children carry with them long after they leave the classroom.
Providing a path toward solutions, Lahey lays out a blueprint with targeted advice for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most importantly, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children’s failures. Hard-hitting yet warm and wise, The Gift of Failure is essential reading for parents, educators, and psychologists nationwide who want to help children succeed.
- Print length304 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- Publication dateAugust 23, 2016
- Dimensions0.68 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- ISBN-100062299255
- ISBN-13978-0062299253
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“Gripping…how can teachers snatch back their critical role and give children the necessary space to fail? They could start by making parents read Lahey.” — New York Times Book Review
“Instead of lecturing us about what we’re doing wrong, Jessica Lahey reveals what she did wrong with her own children and students—and how she systematically reformed her ways. A refreshing, practical book for parents who want to raise resilient kids but aren’t sure how to start.” — Amanda Ripley, author of The Smartest Kids in the World
“This fascinating, thought-provoking book shows that to help children succeed, we must allow them to fail. Essential reading for parents, teachers, coaches, psychologists, and anyone else who wants to guide children towards lives of independence, creativity, and courage.” — Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project
“It’s hard to overstate the importance of this book. The Gift of Failure is beautifully written; it’s deeply researched; but most of all it’s the one book we all need to read if we want to instill the next generation with confidence and joy.” — Susan Cain, author of Quiet
“Lahey offers one of the most important parenting messages of our times: Unless we allow our children to learn how to take on challenges, they won’t thrive in school and in life. Her extremely helpful book tells her story, compiles research, and provides hundreds of doable suggestions.” — Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making
“How can we help our children grow to be resourceful, happy adults? Lahey shows in practical terms how to know what your child is ready for and how to offer support even as you encourage autonomy. A wise, engaging book, steeped in scientific research and tempered with common sense.” — Daniel T. Willingham, PhD, author of Why Don't Students Like School?
“Through an artful combination of anecdote and research, Lahey delivers a lesson that moms and dads badly need to learn: that failure is vital to children’s success. Any parent who pines for a saner, more informed approach to child-rearing should read this book.” — Jennifer Senior, author of All Joy and No Fun
“Lahey has many wise and helpful words...ones that any parent can and should embrace.” — Publishers Weekly
From the Back Cover
Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents now rush to school to deliver forgotten assignments, challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. As teacher, journalist, and parent Jessica Lahey explains, even though these parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their children’s well-being, they aren’t giving them the chance to experience failure—or the opportunity to learn to solve their own problems.
Everywhere she turned, Lahey saw an obvious and startling fear of failure—in both her students and her own children. This fear has the potential to undermine children’s autonomy, competence, motivation, and their relationships with the adults in their lives. Providing a clear path toward solutions, Lahey lays out a blueprint with targeted advice for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most important, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children’s setbacks along with their success.About the Author
Jessica Lahey writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Washington Post, the New York Times, and The Atlantic and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the curriculum for Amazon Kids’ The Stinky and Dirty Show. She lives in Vermont with her husband and two sons.
Product details
- Publisher : Harper; First Edition (August 23, 2016)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 304 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0062299255
- ISBN-13 : 978-0062299253
- Item Weight : 10.4 ounces
- Dimensions : 0.68 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #25,154 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #42 in Medical Child Psychology
- #46 in Parenting & Family Reference
- #77 in Popular Child Psychology
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
![Jessica Lahey](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/S/amzn-author-media-prod/g4bioibperiebpqf31ktvefqv._SY600_.jpg)
Jessica Lahey is a teacher, writer, and mom. She writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Atlantic, Vermont Public Radio, and the New York Times and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She co-hosts the popular #AmWriting podcast with authors KJ Dell'Antonia and Sarina Bowen. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the educational curriculum for Amazon Kids’ Emmy-nominated "The Stinky and Dirty Show." Jessica earned a B.A. in Comparative Literature from the University of Massachusetts and a J.D. with a concentration in juvenile and education law from the University of North Carolina School of Law. She lives in Vermont with her husband, two sons, three dogs, and two cats.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book's content helpful, useful, and fresh. They also describe the writing style as good, easy to read, witty, and lucid. Readers also mention that the author takes a fresh perspective on taking a step back.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book provides useful information and earnest advice about letting children discover their interests. They also appreciate the author's perspective and insights. Readers say the book has changed the way they look at parenting, their own upbringing, and how they wish to teach their children. They say it has dramatically improved their relationships and takes a fresh perspective.
"...Not just for parents. I think there’s good life lessons all around." Read more
"...I also think there's a lot of value in how this book offers some very good insight into the educational system, which I think is a big benefit to..." Read more
"...in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any segment of..." Read more
"...Her narrative, punctuated with research and anecdotes, makes the reader see the value in letting kids fail while gaining the necessary sense of..." Read more
Customers find the writing style insightful, no-nonsense, beautifully crafted, and plainly laid out. They also say the book is engaging, clear, and to the point, allowing them to move through it very quickly.
"...and encouragements into a tight, well-structured, and eminently readable guide for the possibly perplexed American parent...." Read more
"...Jessica Lahey not only provides one of the most concise and thorough histories of parenting, but goes on to identify ways in which we - as a parents..." Read more
"...It is the perfect read at the start of a new school year—for all grades, but especially middle school and high school. Love it. So helpful." Read more
"...It was well-written and a quick read. I could have wished, though, that she went into more detail about putting her system into place...." Read more
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I read a lot of psychology and social science books because the research just plain fascinates me. While this book offers a lot of anecdotes, it's also infused with an excellent grasp of research. Lahey's background in education shines through, and her suggestions are grounded in the same evidence-based research that I've read. If kids seem different today, it's because they are, and it's not just technology that's driving this change, it's the way parents treat their children and how they view them. We want them to be successful, but in our test-driven, high achieving culture, we are sometimes guilty of emphasizing the wrong things. After reading a great deal about helpless college students, children suffering from stress-related ills, and the mental health problems plaguing universities, this book helped me form an idea as to why this may be: rather than teaching our children to work for the things they want, we're setting them on a prescribed path and sending them the message that they're only okay as long as they follow that prescribed path. Reading this book makes the mystifying question of why children don't want to take risks quite clear: because we've taught them that there's nothing worse than failure.
Yet this book doesn't just discuss research, it also offers a lot of practical solutions for parents. Fair warning, though: not all of these suggestions are easy to swallow. This is where some of the pain came in for me, because I saw myself reflected in some of the behaviors Lahey suggests parents need to break. Giving her suggestions a try isn't going to be easy from a parenting standpoint, and it will require me to retrain myself as well.
I also think there's a lot of value in how this book offers some very good insight into the educational system, which I think is a big benefit to parents who don't come from a teaching background. Lahey proposes that parents and teachers work as partners, and she offers suggestions for how parents can open up dialog with their kids' teachers. Considering how adversarial our current culture and politics paint the relationship between educators and parents, there is a great deal of value in this aspect of the book. It doesn't serve anyone for parents and teachers to be at one another's throats, not when both sides want the same thing. This book offers constructive ways parents can form that partnership with teachers, so that everyone can work together toward the same goal.
I highly recommend this book to both parents and educators.
As with any parenting book, how useful you find it depends on what you're already doing. One of the examples that the author uses in the book is that of a kid forgetting his/her lunch at home. If you "rescue" the kid by driving his lunch to school, then there's no motivation for him to remember it in the future. Got it! When I was a kid and I forgot my lunch at home, I was not then able to concentrate at school for fear of my mother's reaction when I got home. She needed to "teach me a lesson" by shaming me for forgetting it, cussing me out, turning it into a moral issue, and giving me the silent treatment for several days. When that's the consequence for forgetting a lunch, then going hungry for a day seems trivial. In fact, it would be less stressful to simply declare that I'm no longer bringing lunch to school anymore so that I can't possibly forget it again, and protect myself from a bipolar parent's mood swings. But some parents can't even let their kids go hungry for the day, even though suffering the consequence's of one's behavior doesn't even feel like punishment. If you had a parent like mine, you would hardly need to read this book, and yet I would recommend it so you can understand what other people's parents are doing.
My kid is 2 now. I pretty much let him learn from experience, although I outright ban dangerous and unhygienic behaviors. This book pretty much reinforces my approach anyway.
THE GIFT OF FAILURE is an important book, useful and lucid. Jessica has researched many resources -- the book's bibliography is six pages of small type, listing 154 sources -- and has distilled their findings, conclusions, suggestions, prescriptions, proscriptions, warnings, and encouragements into a tight, well-structured, and eminently readable guide for the possibly perplexed American parent. If you have school-aged children, please allow me to urge you to read this book and keep it handy.
The one caveat I will raise is that Jessica is writing from a certain solidly middle-class perspective, in the older definition of the middle class as a well-educated, professionally successful, and financially privileged population. Some readers may find her casual references to such luxuries as private schools, Latin classes, and schedules jam-packed with soccer games, dance lessons, and music tutorials, to be distancing. Don't let those frills distract you. They are minimal and immaterial. This book is filled in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any segment of society. I can only wish that THE GIFT OF FAILURE had been available when I was raising my own son and trying to figure out how best to do it.
(NB -- Amazon tells me that if I give this book four stars, that means "I like it," while if I give it five, that means "I love it." Well, I don't "love" it, but I more than "like" it; since I can't give it four-and-a-half stars, or 4.9, or some such, I am giving it five. It is an important book.)
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