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How to Follow Up After a First Date

Amazing First Date? Here's What You Need to Do Next

March 3, 2023

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First dates are emotionally weird experiences.

They can be the most thrilling time of your life, a painful slog, or they can vacillate between positive and negative extremes. The only way to find out what a given first date will be like is to actually go on one.

But once it’s over, what happens next? For many people, it’s not exactly clear. Guys might feel like, if they initiated the date and/or paid for it, that the other person should send the first post-date message.

Or they might feel like, since they were in control, naturally, that should extend to them sending the first message after the date.

But regardless of who messages first, knowing what to send, when to send it, and/or how to respond — these are all questions that many people don’t feel they have clear answers to.

So, in order to better understand the art of the first-date follow up, AskMen spoke to a handful of dating experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Do People Follow Up After First Dates?

“People follow up for a few different reasons,” says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. “They follow up to be polite: ‘It was nice meeting you.’ They follow up to show interest in meeting up again: ‘It was nice meeting you, how about brunch tomorrow?’ They follow up to continue building on where they left off after the first meeting, hence a high interest in continuing to get to know one another: ‘It was so nice meeting you. I'll call you as soon as I get home, OK?’”

And even if your date wasn’t that great, “following up is a considerate gesture to let [the other person] know how you feel, and thank them for their time,” says Lorrae Bradbury, sex and dating coach and founder of Slutty Girl Problems.

Ultimately, Connell Barrett, dating coach and author of Dating Sucks But You Don't, believes people follow up after dates “as a way to get, and to give, certainty.”

“There’s so much uncertainty in dating,” he says. “We’ve all wondered, ‘Did I do well on the date? Do they like me? Will I get a second date?’ Following up is a way to express your clear intentions so you and your date can have certainty about where things may go.”

When to Send a First-Date Follow-Up Message

The question of when to text is one that some guys struggle with, in no small part because there was long a sense, implicitly or explicitly, that getting in touch too soon after a date was a no-no, especially for men. Today, the game has shifted somewhat, but it’s still a balancing act, and different people have different standards and expectations.

“You don't want to come across too thirsty and blow up their phone, but you also don't want to wait too long and miss your shot,” says Jonathan Kirkland, head of brand and marketing for BLK, the world's largest dating app for Black singles. “Send a text within the next two days to keep the momentum going and show you're interested.”

“Conventional norms usually say to follow up a day or two after the first date,” Bradbury agrees. However, she notes, “if you really enjoyed yourself, there’s no harm in following up sooner.”

“It’s better to follow your intuition and usual dating rhythm than to stick to any structured rules or norms,” Bradbury points out. “After all, you want to be your most authentic self, and intuitively finding your own timeline will give your date more insight into your usual communication frequency.”

“You can follow up sooner than you may think,” Barrett agrees. “I coach straight men, and some of my clients have sent their follow-up text to their date while she’s still in the Uber on her way home.”

“If you feel great about the date, you can follow up within minutes,” he adds. “It’s not ‘thirsty’ to let someone know you like them and want to see them again. It’s vulnerable and attractive.”

On the flip side, he thinks that waiting too long can seriously worsen your chances. While it’s “totally fine to wait until the next day to follow up,” according to Barrett, waiting longer than a day “can make it look like you’re ‘playing games,’ or that you’re not interested in a second date.”

“People's lives are so full these days and if either person is particularly good looking/highly sought after/popular/sexy, you will not be the only one on their radar,” says Sparks. “So showing an interest in meeting up again sooner than later is ideal.”

“Personally, if the date went well, I love when someone follows up right after the date (within an hour or two) to let me know how much they enjoyed it too,” Bradbury adds. “It keeps the momentum going, gives me butterflies, and doesn’t leave me hanging with any nervous feelings. If my date waits two days or longer, I start to wonder if they actually enjoyed themselves, if our communication styles and frequency are aligned, or if they’re just bored and filling time.”

RELATED: 10 First-Date Success Signs

One power move? Following up at the very end of the date itself. One woman I spoke with while working on this article relayed the following anecdote about her first date with her current partner of several years:

“My partner said at the end of our first date, ‘I really enjoyed this. I’d like to hang out again whenever you’re free next.’ So we set a date two days later. Then he kept doing that and we had 7 or 8 dates in two weeks.” - Amanda, 36

Examples of First-Date Follow-Ups

For Great Dates

“If the date was great, you have to let them know!” Kirkland says. “Text them when you get home letting them know you had a good time and you're looking forward to seeing them again. Keep it simple, but throw a little flirtation to keep the vibe going.”

Sparks suggests trying to show that you are “interested and not interesting” — that is, making your interest in them the focus of your follow-up, rather than talking about yourself.

“If you had a great date, follow up to express your excitement and give a genuine compliment about something you enjoyed during your date or conversation,” Bradbury says. “You can also be proactive to suggest thoughtful plans for a second date, especially if you talked about a common interest that you could plan a date around!”

She suggests a text like,

“It was so wonderful meeting you, and I loved chatting about your passion for art, and all the similar music tastes we share! There’s actually a concert at this venue nearby next Friday that I think you’d love. I’d love for you to come with me — are you free?”

However, Barrett notes that sincerity isn’t the only way to go, noting that funny texts (“Last night was great. Do you have a Yelp page where I can leave you a review?”) and cheeky texts (“Just wanted to let you know that you had a really good time last night and you’d like to see me again.”) can also be winners if it seems like you’re on the same comedic wavelength.

For Good Dates

“As with a great date, follow up within the first 24 hours expressing the good time that you had and how you enjoyed meeting them,” Sparks suggests. “Seek to reconnect again, but perhaps further out, so you can spend a little more time chatting on the phone, getting to know them better and discovering if you want to pursue anything more.”

“If you had a good date, have a second date to continue to feel out the connection, and keep those good vibes flowing,” Bradbury says. “Your response will likely look a lot like if you had a ‘great date,’ although it may feel natural to be a bit more casual, or suggest a less detailed date as you continue to explore your chemistry.”

She suggests a message like,

‘I had a lot of fun chatting with you tonight, and exploring our common interests. I’d love to hang out again, would you like to grab dinner Thursday?’”

“There's no need to force the date if it was good but not great,” Kirkland notes. If they don't respond to your follow-up or seem a bit uninterested, he says, it’s likely a sign to move on.

For OK Dates

“If your date ranks anywhere from ‘meh’ to downright bad, then I advise not going out with them again,” says Barrett. “Life is too short!”

On the matter of OK dates — which, honestly, is a high percentage of dates — the experts I spoke to were divided on whether or not to follow up at all.

“If you’re not interested in a second date, you don’t need to tell them unless prompted,” says Barrett. “Most people are highly intuitive, and they may already sense this. An unsolicited ‘Hey, I wasn’t feeling it last night’ can feel like salt in the wound.”

Kirkland notes that a brief text is fine here, however.

“You don't want to waste your time or theirs if the date was just meh,” he says. “Keep the follow-up short and sweet, like, ‘Hey thanks for hanging out last night. ✌🏾’ Just keep it moving and stay open to new opportunities. Make room for someone who really is your right match.”

Sparks agrees that following up on a so-so date can be a good idea.

“Let them know that you find them nice and interesting, but don't want to pursue anything beyond a friendship,” she says. “OK dates are always good when you just want to hang out without the pressure of 'escalating' the relationship. They could very well end up being your salsa dance partner or fishing buddy or travel buddies. Not all relationships need to end at the altar.”

Bradbury, for her part, thinks it’s a good idea to spend a little bit of time thinking about what exactly you want before deciding whether to follow up or not. Recognizing why the date fell flat might give you a clue as to what you really want, and whether giving it a shot with a second date would be worth your time or not.

For Bad Dates

If the date was flat-out bad, it’s a different ballgame entirely, however. You’re definitely not under any obligation to reach out, and you may prefer never to speak to them again, so there’s definitely nothing wrong with not sending a follow-up.

RELATED: Worst First-Date Situations

If there is going to be further communication, Sparks suggests letting the other person be the one to initiate it.

“Be responsive when they connect and thank them for the date,” she advises. “Politely tell them, if asked, that you are not interested in dating again. If asked why, tell them that based on the conversation, energy, future life goals, etc., that you know that you are not in alignment with each other, but wish them the best.”

As much as it may be awkward to do so, Barrett thinks it is important to respond to them if they reach out earnestly.

“If they message you and make it clear that they want to go out with you again, write them back,” he says. “Ghosting is not OK. If they clearly want to go out with you again, close the door, but do it gently. Tell them it’s a chemistry issue, rather than anything about them as a person.”

Bradbury agrees that you should at least be honest about your disinterest in further dates.

“You don’t have to dive into specifically what you didn’t like or be unkind,” she says. “But you don’t have to lead them on that you’re ‘busy with work’ either. Just be open and up front that you didn’t feel a connection, it wasn’t quite the right fit, or perhaps realized you’re not ready for dating or a commitment after all.”

She suggests a message like,

“Hey, it was really nice meeting you tonight, and I’m glad we got a chance to hang out in person. While you’re really lovely, I wasn’t feeling quite the spark to move things forward, but I so appreciate your time and wish you the best in dating and finding the right fit!”

Kirkland’s suggestion, however, was more succinct:

"New phone, who dis?"

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