How to Deal With Rejection the Right Way

The Proper Way to Handle Being Denied Like a Gentleman

Whether you’re asking your crush out on a date, asking someone for their hand in marriage or sending flirty late-night hookup request to a dating app match, sex and love are all about connection. So naturally, having your attempt to connect slapped away with some form of “no” is a crummy thing to experience.

Depending on what your feelings for this person are and what you were asking, you might register that rejection in one of two ways: a small sting or a soul-crushing blow. But as unpleasant as getting turned down can be, the only surefire way to avoid hearing “no” is to never put yourself out there … which is a silly way to live. Every guy, no matter how handsome, rich or charming, will be denied at some point. And realistically, you’ll hear it many times in your life, in very different ways from very different people.

Rejection is a normal and healthy part of dating — it implies that people have opinions, preferences and standards. We aren’t simply dating each other out of convenience, kindness, politeness or pity. That means if you ask someone out who doesn’t share the same interests, they’re going to shoot you down.

As a result, it’s in your best interest to figure out how to handle rejection when it happens to you. Rather than having a temper tantrum, being able to bounce back with grace won’t just mean you’re a more mature person — it also might help your dating prospects in the long run.

1. Why Do Men React Badly to Rejection?

Unfortunately, men have a uniquely bad reputation when it comes to handling romantic rejection (especially from women). Whether it’s an over-inflated sense of self or societal conditioning around the importance of romantic success, men’s reactions to rejection can run the gamut from using harsh language on a Tinder match who doesn’t respond fast enough to prolonged harassment, stalking, physical violence and even, in extreme cases, murder.

So why the hell do men get so angry when it comes to being turned down?

“Some men make the terrible decision to react with violence or anger because they’ve misinterpreted what so-called rejection means,” says dating coach Connell Barrett. “They think that when someone rejects them, that person is saying, ‘You’re not enough. You’re beneath me.’”

That association of rejection with belittling is a powerful one that turns up over and over in pop culture — in movies and TV, the man getting rejected is often made to look pathetic and weak; rarely is a handsome and desirable man turned down for not being a good match. Meanwhile, the hero in the story often faces an initial rejection before his persistence ultimately pays off. While that might make for a more dramatic story, it makes for a pretty bad model for how to approach the dating game.

“If a man feels he’s losing that sense of value or worth, in a perverse way, he feels strong and powerful when he’s angry or violent,” adds Barrett. “But in fact, when someone rejects you, they’re simply saying that their romantic needs are not being met. It’s not a personal value judgment. It’s about unmet needs.”

The person who’s turning you down might sense that their needs wouldn’t be fulfilled, but according to Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness, the one being rejected often senses that his needs aren’t being met, either.

“I think that many men react to rejection with violence and anger because we are conditioned to believe, by many sectors in society, that things naturally belong to us,” says Caraballo. “When we are faced with rejection, it is a blow to our egos and can be quite painful. When we feel entitled to someone's attention, and that's combined with a lack of education of how to deal with negative emotions, those reactions can come out in aggressive bursts.”

2. What Happens When You React Badly to Rejection?

Imagine if a woman approached you in a bar and asked if she could buy you a drink. “No, thanks,” you say. “I’m just waiting for a friend.”

The likelihood that the situation would lead to the woman being verbally or physically abusive is probably pretty low. She wouldn’t explode — she’d respect your response and walk away. The inverse, on the other hand, is all too common.

“The worst consequence of handling rejection badly is when men are violent with women,” says Barrett. “Women experience 4.8 intimate-partner-related assaults every year, according to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.It has to stop, and it’s up to men who are prone to violence to have a consciousness change. Violence is never OK.”

It might seem that a single man overreacting to rejection is an isolated event, but when men are violent or abusive, particularly to relative strangers who have no stake in their well-being, these stories get shared. That influences how we, as a society, approach dating.

“I think it's pretty evident that the inability to control one's anger or disappointment following a rejection has made women (and some men) very wary and fearful of men,” notes Caraballo. “This leads to the persistence of the stereotype of men being angry, violent beings, which greatly limits how accessible we are to those we desire as partners.”

The reason a random woman is guarded when you approach her on the street isn’t because what you’re doing is inherently creepy ... it’s because she has no idea how you’ll react if her response isn’t what you want to hear.

3. Healthy Ways to Handle Rejection

If getting mad is the wrong reaction to being turned down, how should you approach being told “no”?

“I like to reframe rejection as what it really is: feedback,” says Caraballo. “The other person is telling you that the two of you are not a fit long-term, or maybe they’re telling you that your personalities don’t dovetail the way that she or he needs. That’s not a personal indictment on you. It’s just information.”

While that is technically true, that doesn’t necessarily make it easier to walk away from being rejected, whether online or in person.

“When faced with rejection, or lack of acceptance, it’s hard for us to not internalize negative thoughts about our own self-worth,” says Caraballo. “Rejection brings up the existential crisis of ‘alone-ness,’ which is quite painful and hard to ignore. Highly emotional experiences, like rejection, get stored in the brain and remain there thanks to the amygdala, a part of the brain that attaches meaning to experience. If you’re someone who has struggled with rejection, and that gets reinforced in various scenarios so that it gains meaning and importance — even in small ways — that rejection turns into our pervading emotional story.”

Meaning, taking one particular rejection extra-hard can lead to the next one hurting even more — and the next one, and the next and so on. It’s not hard to see how that kind of chain reaction could lead to a guy losing it at some point, inevitably taking all that negative emotion out on a single person.

Caraballo’s advice? Keep a rejection short — if not sweet.

“The best way to handle rejection is to say ‘OK’ and leave,” he says. “Move on. Any convincing or otherwise, even if not intended to be so, can come off as intimidating or aggressive. If someone says any version of ‘no’ or ‘not interested,’ it's not your job to convince them of your worth. As hard as it is, cut your losses, leave that scene and do what you need to do in order to cope with the pain of rejection — but not on that person's time.”

Barrett, meanwhile, notes that there are things to still be hopeful about.

“Remember that there’s an abundance of dating options out there,” he explains. “Rejection can hurt so much because a guy might feel he has very few high-quality choices. [But] once you realize that you’ll never run out of wonderful people to date, and that you’ll always have more to offer, you find confidence from inside of yourself, and you can brush off rejection and say, ‘OK, next!’”

4. How to Get Better at Handling Rejection

As with many things in life, the way to get better at something is to gain experience. When it comes to rejection, that means, well, getting rejected more.

“I think that an important thing to know is that we all experience romantic rejection, and we get rejected for a variety of reasons,” says Caraballo. “It may be about our looks, our personality, interests — a whole host of things. But, while that rejection feels horrible, just know that it doesn't take away who you are as a person. Being rejected by someone doesn't mean you're unlikable or unlovable; it just means you weren't a good fit for that person.”

Barrett agrees that the takeaway shouldn’t be on what you lack or did wrong, but simply that there wasn’t a match between the two of you.

“Perhaps you didn’t connect with them enough, or didn’t make them feel special or beautiful, or didn’t respect them enough,” he notes. “Rejection happens when needs are not being met. It’s not a judgment on your worth as a man. Perhaps you just need to better understand what people want in a relationship — love, connection, respect, feeling special.”

And remember: Feeling a sense of sadness won’t make you any less of a man. Don’t swallow those emotions, and allow yourself to deal with the rejection head-on.

“I think that, like many other experiences, we often tell people that their feelings don’t matter and they should ‘just get over it.’” says Caraballo. “We need to give ourselves space to reel from the pain of rejection. It's OK to feel that way. Everyone experiences it, and it's tough. Instead of feeling like you have to immediately power through, be kind to yourself. Take some time to truly heal and lick your wounds and get back out there when you feel like you're strong enough to take the risk again.”

He adds that if you’re struggling with self-worth when it comes to dating and romantic rejection, therapy might not be a bad idea. Barrett, meanwhile, notes that rejection, as painful as it is, can be the start of a new, positive story for you.

“Think of being rejected or dumped as a chance for growth and self-enhancement,” he suggests. “Most men see rejection as something that happens to you. I see it as something that happens for you. If you made mistakes that led to the rejection, learn from them and become a better man, a better dater, a better boyfriend. If you’re rejected, ask yourself, ‘How is this happening for me? What good will come of it?’ That question can reframe the experience as an opportunity to become a better man.” 

Plus, accepting a rejection without belittling the other person communicates that you’re a stand-up guy — which, if they have a single friend they think might be more suited for you, could work in your favor in the long run. At the very least, they won’t be going around talking about what a jerk you are.

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