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Instagram Flirting Rules

Don't Slide Into Her DMs Without Reading This First

May 7, 2024

Flip

The Internet has changed the flirtation game forever. In the bygone days, before even dial-up, flirting mostly happened in person, and at designated locations: bars, clubs, roller skating rinks, discos, county fairs (you get the idea...).

Nowadays, though, flirting has gone digital. And while there are designated apps focused specifically on flirting and finding a partner, probably the most common platform for online flirting is none other than Instagram.

When done right, Instagram flirting can be an intensely fun time for all parties involved. However, when done poorly, it can go as far to be embarrassing, frustrating, disappointing, and even terrifying. Flirting on Instagram through means of double taps and DM sliding is no different.

RELATED: How to Flirt, Explained

Whether you’re commenting on someone’s pictures, obsessively liking old photos, or responding to a story, you could be making someone’s day. These efforts are key steps in laying the groundwork for a date, hook up, or a relationship … unless you do something that makes the other person reach for the block button so they never have to hear from you again.

But how do you manage to pull off the intricacies of Instagram flirting? How do you get your point across without coming on too strong out the gate?

In order to steer you in the right direction, AskMen spoke to several dating experts about what to do when it comes to Instagram flirting rules, along with various Instagram users about their flirtatious experiences on the platform. Here’s what they had to say:

What You Need to Know About Flirting on Instagram

Why Do People Flirt on Instagram?

“People love to flirt, period,” says Courtney Kocak, co-founder and co-host of the Private Parts Unknown podcast. “But I think people like to flirt on Instagram in particular because it feels safe. You’re not in-person, you’re removed from your crush’s immediate reaction, so it emboldens you to put yourself out there.”

People also choose to mingle with others on a platform like Instagram because it’s “an alternative to other traditional dating apps,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex, co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide. “It’s another opportunity to connect with people with algorithmic similar interests to you.”

Unlike on swipe-heavy dating apps, which encourage snap judgments, on Instagram, “a crush can get potential intimate glimpses of your personality, political views, family, friends and hobbies, just to name a few,” says GlittersaurusRex says (also what Sofiya Alexandra, Kocak’s co-host, calls “a snapshot of their life”).

Can Flirting on Instagram Turn Into a Real Relationship?

The app that people use to pictures of their lunch may seem like a strange jumping-off point for a lasting and fulfilling romantic relationship.

But the truth is, Instagram is a way to connect with people — introducing you to people you’ve never met before, but also allowing you to get to better know people on the fringes of your social circle. It could be a place where you discover that a friend of a friend likes the same genre of fiction as you, or where you and a coworker bond over commitment to the same political cause.

“One of my longest relationships started in the Twitter DMs,” says Kocak. Especially now that the world’s been rocked by the COVID-19 pandemic, she notes, “there aren’t as many opportunities to flirt and date face-to-face, so romance is budding in unconventional places.”

One of those places could be Instagram, according to GlittersaurusRex — if the conditions are right, that is.

“I think people can turn Instagram flirting into a real relationship if everyone has the same intentions and can be honest about their needs,” she says.

That being said, take caution: “Even with the best intentions it’s important to graciously accept rejection. It’s important to listen and respect the boundaries of everyone involved,” adds GlittersaurusRex.

If Someone Likes Your Old Photos or Responds to Your Stories on Instagram, Are They Flirting?

Men are typically expected to be the initiators rather than those being pursued. That can make it tricky to be sure if someone’s behavior towards you on Instagram qualifies as genuine flirting, leaving you to wonder if they’re just being friendly.

GlittersaurusRex, however, compares the practice to one that many dating sites and apps use:

“Someone liking your old pics and commenting on your stories are small forms of flirting on Instagram,” she says. “They are trying to get your attention and show appreciation, like little winks on traditional dating apps or sites like Match.”

Alexandra agrees that someone is most likely flirting, “especially if the comments are compliments.”

“They’re taking time to engage with you repeatedly, which is a good way to know they’re interested in spending more time with you and getting to know you better,” she says.

Dos and Don’ts for Flirting on Instagram

Be Respectful

“Instagram is not a dating app, so you shouldn’t treat it like one,” says sex educator Kenneth Play. “The same etiquette should apply as in real life. If you want to flirt with someone in real life, you need to approach them and establish rapport. If you don’t know someone, tread lightly and be respectful before diving into anything overtly romantic or sexual. Otherwise it just comes off as creepy.”

Don’t Be Stalker-ish

It may be easy to find yourself smitten with someone based on their IG profile and general online persona. After all, most people are posting things that they think will make them seem attractive and cool, so you’re not getting the exact real picture. But just because you find yourself obsessing over someone on Instagram doesn’t mean it’s cool to start going wild about it.

“Don’t be the creep who likes 15 of my bikini pics in a row at 4 a.m. — honestly, at any time,” says Alexandra.

“Don’t try so hard,” agrees Kocak. When it comes to Instagram flirtation, “a little goes a long way,” she says. “Otherwise, it can feel a little stalker-ish. If someone goes through and likes 30 of my old photos, that’s more of a red flag than smooth flirtation. But leaving cute comments or replying to my stories in a chill, non-sexually aggressive way makes for successful flirting in my book.”

Be Genuine

It might be tempting to use Instagram’s comparative anonymity to play the part of someone cooler than you think you are, but as with any aspect of romance, trying to be someone you aren’t is a surefire way to ruin your chances further down the road.

That’s why you should approach Instagram flirting as yourself, choosing to respond to the content your crush posts that you actually find interesting.

“Be genuine,” says Kocak. “If you’re a big fan of the artist I reposted, or you’ve also stayed at that hotel in Palm Springs, that’s a cool share and a good way to develop a legit connection.”

A more fun and likely more successful approach than playing a character? “Getting to know each other with engaging thoughtful questions,” notes GlittersaurusRex notes.

Don’t Be Overly Sexual

Perhaps the golden rule of flirting on Instagram is to not get sexual too soon. You might associate flirtation with attraction and attraction with sex, but it’s a huge mistake to assume that the person you’re interested in wants to engage with you sexually without knowing you.

Posting “fire emojis on a hot pic, sure,” says Kocak, “but drooling in response to an IG story from the farmer’s market is a bit much.”

Alexandra advises not to “comment with things like ‘yum’ or what you’d like to do to me or ask me if I prefer circumcised.”

“Talk to me like I’m a whole person, not just eye candy you’d like to touch,” she adds. “Comment on photos that have to do with my interests like travel or art or books, not just pics where I look hot. If you out yourself as a f*ckboy immediately, chances are you’re not going to be seen as relationship material.”

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