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Letting Go Of A Crush

Is It Time To Let Go Of Your Crush? Here's How To Tell

July 17, 2015

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Lonely and sick of it? Feeling like you’re going to get dumped? Not sure how that first date went? Wondering what that rash is? These and many other confusing dating issues can be solved for you by the inimitable Bryce Warnes. Put your happiness in his capable hands (Note: Bryce Warnes is not a medical doctor) and email him your dating/love/sex/Tinder questions at [email protected].

The Question

Dear Bryce,

I'm having trouble with a younger man whom I believe is interested in me. I'm in my mid-30's and he's in his early 20's.

We met at work last year and would talk at length about pop-culture things we both liked. I didn't think anything of it because I have lengthy conversations with anyone who likes the pop-culture stuff I'm into. When talking started causing problems at work and when he asked for my number, I decided it was a good way to manage things. We also started eating lunch together and he started walking me out of work so our conversations were out of the work environment. I refused to see any of it as romantic because he's so much younger than me.

Since then I've gotten to know him better and have come to realise the following; beyond a love of Marvel movies we have nothing in common, he seems to have a one-sided crush on me, he has no respect for any of my boundaries, he's very pushy, he's very controlling, he ignores me when I say 'no', he's very immature for a 22-year-old and has very negative attitudes towards women and how he's living his life.

I understand the mistakes I made by talking to him too much, allowing him to have my number, walking out of work together and allowing phone conversations to last for over an hour because he wanted to keep talking. Also, assuming the repeated discussions about how I feel about dating younger men made things clear. Especially since I repeatedly described the idea as “weird and creepy and gross.”

Now I want him out of my life completely and am so glad we don't work at the same place anymore. I've tried to talk to him about our toxic 'friendship' so we can either move ahead or stop being friends. Even directly told him that I'm concerned he has a crush on me, which he ignored. All that happens is he tries to distract me with flowery compliments, over-the-top apologies or ignores what I've said and the questions I've asked.

If I set up a boundary or ask him to stop something, he agrees and then continues what he's doing. Because of this, I don't feel that he's going to accept a confrontational “We're not friends anymore, please don't contact me in any way, shape or form.” Instead, I'm trying to edge away and be unavailable.

Is this the best way to go about get a guy like this out of my life? He's currently trying to push for more contact.

Thank you,

Tired, Stressed and So Over It

The Answer

Hey So Over It,

Let me be the first to apply the word “stalker” to your situation. It’s a scary word, but someone has to use it. I’m not sure, based on what you’ve described, that your unwanted admirer qualifies as a textbook stalker. And I don’t think you need to panic, change your locks, and buy a gun.

But you’re receiving persistent, undesired attention from someone with whom you do not wish to interact. This guy is lowering your quality of life. There is no room for edging away. You need to end it now, and make sure it doesn’t go any further.

From the sounds of it, you’ve given him plenty of feedback about his behavior. And still, he won’t clue in. This could be simple mental and emotional incompetence/immaturity on his part. It could be symptomatic of a greater disorder, or constellation of disorder. Either way, there’s no point trying to explain to him any longer what he’s doing wrong. No matter how friendly you were in the past, it is not your job to make him feel good or “let him down easy.”

“I don’t want to talk to you any more. You’re making me uncomfortable. Don’t try to contact me.” That’s the basic template. There’s no room for dialogue. It’s just you, putting your foot down, and him, backing the hell off. Don’t let him try to explain himself, and don’t apologize. It ends then and there, with a phone call.

If he texts, ignore it. If he phones, block the call immediately. Any response you give him, negative or positive, one word or a diatribe, will be used for leverage. He’s either a glutton for punishment, or he interprets negative reactions as something they’re not. In any case, don’t rise to the bait.

If he threatens your well-being, or the well-being or any other person — including himself — go to the police.

Before any of this, though, tell your friends and family. It doesn’t have to be a sit-down, “Guys, I’m being stalked” conversation. But let them know about this weird guy from work, and how you feel about it, and what you’re doing to make it stop. They don’t need to get freaked out, but they should be aware of what you’re dealing with. The more people who know, the more people who can help you.

“Stalker” is a big word. This guy might not be a stalker. He might just be an emotionally underdeveloped, more or less harmless goofus who is behaving selfishly. There’s no need to live in fear, but there is also no need to live with his unwanted advances. Cut him off now.

Oh yeah. And don’t blame yourself. You were friendly to someone with whom you worked, who shared interests similar to your own. From what you’ve described, you gave ample indication that you weren’t interested in a romantic relationship. You did nothing wrong. It’s just luck of the draw. This time, you got a bad egg.

For more information about what motivates people who just won’t leave you alone, check out the links below.

To the men reading this: Hopefully, you recognize that the guy making So Over It, uh, so over it, doesn't recognize what he is doing. In his eyes, he's acting rationally, pursuing a relationship in a healthy, appropriate fashion. Keep that in mind next time you're trying to take things to the next level with someone special and their response is less than one hundred per cent enthusiastic. Persistence can cross over into harassment. All those texts you send to that cute ex-co-worker could be stressing her out rather than piquing her interest. Never forget that you have the power, in your search for true love (or whatever), to make the object of affections feel uncomfortable and even afraid. It's better to admit defeat than to make another person feel like she's being stalked.

That being said, dudes can be the target of unwanted affection as well. You have boundaries, too, and when they're being crossed, you shouldn't feel afraid to admit it. If an acquaintance, old or new, is pushing themselves into your life in a way that doesn't feel right, you shouldn't hesitate to follow the advice I've given to So Over It, to use the resources at the end of this article, and - most importantly - to let the people who care about you know about the situation.

Email Bryce your dating/love/sex/Tinder questions at [email protected].

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