What to Look for in a Relationship Partner
What a Supportive Partner Looks Like (and How to Know If Yours Isn’t)
Loving relationships are built on strong foundations.
What that means to you and your partner will vary — it might mean having similar worldviews, a powerful mutual attraction, or it could be a level of openness and honesty that allows for serious communication.
Whatever it may be, one component of all healthy relationships is support. Without support, a relationship is barely even a relationship. After all, two people who don’t support each other, even if they spend a lot of time together and have strong sexual chemistry, are not exactly destined for decades of wedded bliss. And a lack of support doesn’t necessarily mean the other person’s tearing you down (or vice versa) — it just means they’re not there for you when you need it.
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How do you define that in real terms? Well, we spoke with some dating and relationship experts to find out what it truly means to be a supportive partner, as well as what it looks like when you’re dating someone who’s not supporting you the right way.
1. Traits of a Supportive Partner
It’s impossible to list all the different ways a partner can be supportive, but that doesn’t mean you can’t tease out certain threads, trends and traits that tend to come with the territory.
“A supportive partner gives you honest, but kind, feedback,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today.” “A supportive partner listens. When you have something to say, even if it’s about something you’re unhappy with in your relationship, you can be sure your partner will listen and work with you to come up with a solution.”
And what does being a supportive partner entail?
“Your partner needs you most when they’re dealing with self-doubt, so raise your antenna for those moments,” says dating coach Connell Barrett. “The dead giveaway? They use ‘what if’ statements: ‘What if I fail the job interview?’ or ‘What if I can’t complete this project on time?’ Swoop in and tell your significant other three magic words: ‘You got this,’” Barrett says. “And tell them why, with specifics. It gives them a sense of certainty and confidence that they need and want in a relationship.”
When you’re in a relationship with a supportive partner, you can sense it to the point that it’ll manifest itself through how you act. You’ll come to them with your problems and ask for their help. You’ll admit it to them when you screw up and they won’t judge or be cruel. You’ll be able to tell them about your successes, too, because you know they’ll cheer you on rather than getting jealous.
Being in a relationship with a supportive partner is like having a coach, teammate and a cheerleader all in one.
2. What Does a Lack of Support Look Like?
Much like the presence of support, the absence of support can appear in many different ways.
It could mean they refuse to listen when you’ve had a bad day, or they choose to ignore instead of comfort when you’re sad.
It could be a hit-and-miss thing, meaning their show of support is inconsistent. That could mean they show up to watch your team play, but never help with the grocery bill. Maybe they defend you against a family member’s hurtful comments, but then turn around and tell you to suck it up at your dead-end job.
Barrett believes the most worrisome way a partner can be non-supportive is in situations when you need it most.
“Your partner is non-supportive when the s**t hits the fan and they hit the road,” he says. “If they disappear during those big life moments — a health issue, the death of a loved one or a pet, a job loss — that’s a huge red flag. Being non-supportive can happen in more mundane ways. If they’re dismissive of hearing about your day, and always redirect the conversation back to them, that excessive self-interest is a sign of a lack of support.”
At the end of the day, it’s a matter of effort — they’re simply not putting in the effort to make you feel cared for. However, that doesn’t mean it’s something they can’t do, so if you feel like you’re missing that support, now’s the time to bring it up.
3. What to Do If You’re Not Feeling Supported
Having real conversations in a relationship where you tell your partner that you’re not happy is a daunting prospect for a lot of people. Telling the person who’s supposed to make you feel happy that they’re not exactly living up to expectations can feel like a real attack for all parties involved.
That being said, these conversations are necessary for the long-term survival of a relationship, and the sooner you start figuring out how to have them, the better. If you’re not feeling supported, Barrett advocates for talking about it.
“Ask for more support, but do it with elegance,” he says. “Don’t attack them or be judgmental, as tempting as that may be. They’ll only get defensive and shut down. Instead, point out ways that you offer support, and ask if they can return in kind. Ask specifically, and compliment them for the support they’ve already given. Say something like, ‘I would love it if you asked about my work more often — you’re such a great listener.’”
Painting the conversation as a team effort where you work on something together means you’ll have a much better shot at making things work.
“Mention times they were very supportive, and ask them for more of the same,” adds Barrett. “This way, you’re appealing to their better angels, not criticizing them. When your partner sees that your intentions are good — you just want a closer, more mutually-supportive relationship — they’ll be happy to oblige.”
And if you still find your partner to be missing in action when you need their support? Well, you could decide to end the relationship and try to find a more supportive partner elsewhere.
Do what’s best for you.
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