How to Have Better Sex Tonight
Spice Up Your Bedroom Game With These 11 Sizzling Ideas
The way people talk about sex, it’s easy to feel like everyone is good at it already.
But the truth is, getting comfortable having sex — which is necessary in order to have good sex — is something that takes time and practice.
Whether you’re doing it with a host of different partners or just one person over and over, until you’ve experienced a fair amount of sex, you’ll likely never be a sex god.
But what if you have plenty of experience and still feel confused and awkward in bed?
As it happens, you’re far from alone.
In no small part because sex education is usually much more focused on preventing unwanted pregnancies and STI transmissions than educating people about pleasure, tons of guys feel like they’re just not up to snuff when it comes to sex.
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But if that’s you, take heart — sex isn’t rocket science, and getting more comfortable with it so you can start enjoying it more won’t require you to become a wholly different person.
Having better sex is all about making small changes that can have seriously big impacts. It can be as simple as doing it in a different setting, trying a new position or even adding in a toy or product that helps amplify what already feels good for both of you.
If you’Re looking to take things up a notch in the bedroom, here's what the experts have to say about the best ways to do it.
1. Talk About It
Of all the things that you can use your mouth for during sex, Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, says using it to talk to your partner about your sexual desires and discover theirs is undoubtedly the most powerful tool for having the best sex of both your lives.
“Conversations about sex are seldom easy, but open communication is fundamental to a more satisfying sex life,” she explains.
“While in almost every other realm, talking the talk is easier than walking the walk, sex seems to be the exception,” O’Reilly notes. “Research actually suggests that people are more comfortable having sex than talking about it. This communication gap not only wreaks havoc on our sex lives, but also takes a toll on our intimacy levels, expressions of affection and overall relationships.”
So how can you get such a serious conversation like that started, and still keep things sexy?
“It may be difficult to express your specific desires and fantasies, but try using pop culture as fodder for friskier conversations,” O’Reilly suggests.
“If you see a scene in a movie that turns you on, try to identify the source of your arousal and share your thoughts with your partner,” she explains. “Talk about what turns you on and turns you off in the context of fictional characters, communication, interactions and activities as a way to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.”
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Or, if you have a good connection and trust each other, you can simply open up about the things you do and don’t like, without referencing pop culture necessarily. Some couples can also get a really clear picture of their partner’s desires by filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list together.
2. Focus on Pleasure, Not Performance
Of course, the end goal of sex should always be two satisfied partners.
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But as O’Reilly points out, taking the pressure off your performance makes for a better experience for both of you.
“It's great to be a generous lover, but you'll likely find that you both derive more pleasure from the experience if you allow pleasure to supersede performance,” she explains.
“One way to focus on your own pleasure (and your partner's) involves using a blindfold — visual deprivation can heighten the sense of touch and lead to a more mindful experience,” O’Reilly adds. “Alternatively, you might take turns pleasing one another so you can learn to be a taker, which is just as important as being a giver.”
3. Tease Your Partner
It's no new news that foreplay is crucial to a satisfying sexual experience. But stimulating your partner before the main act by way of teasing can take it a step further.
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“Research suggests that dopamine levels are higher when you’Re anticipating a reward than when you actually receive it,” O’Reilly explains. “Giving your partner exactly what they want may be less pleasurable than teasing, building tension and alluding to pleasure.”
Focus on stimulating her erogenous zones — ear lobes, stomach neck and inner thighs are all areas that are more sensitive to the touch.
To take teasing up a notch, try using a feather tickler. "Feather ticklers excite the sensitive nerve endings at the surface of the skin, making them more receptive to touch/licking/kissing/biting," says Sammi Cole, resident sexpert at Lovehoney.
4. Talk Dirty
Another easy way to make sex feel more intense? Put your mouth to good use and talk dirty.
Research even suggests that dirty talk can increase a woman's chances of having an orgasm, so having a few phrases in your back pocket to use during the act is a good thing to have. Not sure where to start? O’Reilly says even short phrases can work to your benefit in the bedroom.
“When you’Re ready, toss in a few words and short phrases ranging from ‘Yes!,’ ‘More!,’ and ‘Ahhh’ to ‘Whoa!,’ ‘Wow,’ and ‘F*ck yeah!’” she suggests.
RELATED: Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions
“Use language that comes naturally to you, as opposed to repeating what you have seen in films or read online,” O’Reilly adds. “And since dirty talk goes both ways, use a few simple lines to develop greater comfort as you explore your lover's body:
- ‘Do you like that?’
- ‘Where do you want it?’
- ‘What can I do for you?’
- ‘Tell me how you like it.’
- ‘Lie back and let me give it to you.’”
5. Engage in Some Role Play
Want to take the sexy talk up a notch? Maybe sexual roleplaying is the answer.
It’ll depend on your comfort level with make-believe, but lots of people find that using their imaginations to live out sexual fantasies and kinks can be a magical component of a great sex life.
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Whether you’re into adding costumes and props to the mix or just want to keep it strictly about the conversation, roleplay can allow you to easily explore sexual dynamics that you find erotic: think boss/employee, teacher/student, sex worker/john, two people having an affair, and more. The only limits are your imagination.
6. Try Nipple Play
It’s no secret that many people find breasts incredibly sexy. But they can also be a meaningful part of pleasurable sex, too. Some women can even reach orgasm from nipple play alone.
But as Cole points out, it's not just women who can benefit from some added nipple stimulation.
“Whether you’Re a man or a woman, everyone has sensitive nerve endings in the nipples, so why not increase sensitivity with a pair of nipple suckers?” she says.
RELATED: How to Handle Her Breasts
7. Experiment With Edging
Mastering the art of edging can take a bit of practice — but if you’Re looking to achieve longer, more intense orgasms, it's worth putting the time and effort in.
“Edging refers to bringing yourself right to the brink of orgasm several times without allowing yourself to go over the edge,” O’Reilly explains.
To learn how to do it, practice on yourself so that you’Re able to guide your partner through it.
“Stimulate yourself however you please and stop as soon as you feel as though you are about to climax,” O’Reilly says. “Breathe slowly and deeply as you retreat to a less stimulating technique or area until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Repeat this process several times. With practice, some men find that they eventually experience orgasmic sensations without ejaculation during the retreat period.”
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8. Add Some Lube to the Mix
While vaginas are self-lubricating, not everyone’s produces enough on its own. That’s what lube is for!
Whether it’s to deal with a genital size mismatch, lower lubrication levels, marathon sex sessions, penetration pain reduction, or anal sex, a good, long-lasting lubricant is a cheap and easy way to make sex just a little bit more pleasurable for everyone.
“Research indicates that lube leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure and satisfaction,” says O’Reilly. “A study of 2,453 women found that the use of water and silicone-based lubricants significantly decreased symptoms of sexual dysfunction and 70 percent of participants reported that their sexual experiences were enhanced by the use of lube.”
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9. Focus on the Clit
If your partner has a vagina, it's important not to neglect the most sensitive, most important part of their anatomy: the clitoris.
“A huge percentage of women don't always (or ever) orgasm via intercourse alone,” explains Carol Queen, Ph.D, Good Vibrations staff sexologist. “It's too bad that 'sex' is our culture's euphemism for that act, because it makes people believe that this is how someone should orgasm. The nerves that most support orgasm are clitoral, though, because it is comparable to the sensitive head of the penis. Most men can't orgasm with no penile contact either — looked at that way, the statistics aren't so surprising.”
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What are some ways to touch her there? Well, for starters, you can engage in the ancient art of fingering.
“When touching the clit directly with your fingers, add lube for slipperiness: it feels sexy and increases comfort,” Queen explains. “Don't push on the clit or be rough — unless she says she likes it. When doing oral, also watch out for too much suction or pressure. Relax your tongue and lips, especially at first. As arousal builds, more sensations, and more intense ones, can feel good.”
10. Try a Couples Toy
If your partner wants to orgasm from P-in-V sex, using a couples toy that can be worn during the act can end up benefiting both of you.
This could take many different forms, depending on what you both feel comfortable with or aroused by. It could be a wand vibrator to deliver powerful clitoral pleasure during P-i-V penetration; it could be a toy that can be worn during penetration to stimulate both penis and vagina; it could be a strange-looking new device like the Eva II.
“The Eva II Clitoral Massager is a best-seller for beginners because it's a hands-free, hassle free phenomenon,” explains certified sex therapist Dr. Jenni Skyler, sexpert for AdamEve.com. “Place the flexible wings under the labia while the Eva II vibrator sits on top of the clitoris during penetrative sex.”
While cock rings are designed with men's needs in mind (read: restricting blood flow to help strengthen and extend erections), modern-day cock rings have benefits for the partner being penetrated, too — especially if they have a clitoris, as the vibrations are often designed to stimulate that at the same time.
11. Explore Anal Play
Whether you've tried it before or have always been curious, despite the taboos, there are plenty of sexual benefits for people when it comes to trying butt stuff, regardless of gender.
Of course, outright anal sex is typically much more complicated and potentially painful for the receiver, so it’s not for everyone. But that doesn’t mean there’s no pleasure to be found in exploring anal fingering, licking and toy play.
If your partner has a vagina, for instance, Cole suggests that you “bring in a butt plug — because it makes her vagina feel tighter and angles the penis towards the G-spot.”
On the other hand, for guys, a butt plug “stimulates the sensitive prostate gland,” she notes, unlocking the pleasure potential of what many people call the “male G-spot.”
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