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9 First-Date Conversation Tips That Actually Work

Up Your Convo Game With These Expert-Approved First-Date Pointers

January 19, 2021

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If there’s one thing that can make or break a first date, it’s your conversation.

That’s why throwing out the right thought-provoking questions is essential, all while getting in a confident and self-assured mindset so that you’re able to listen and respond to what your date is saying. The only problem? Well, when your nerves are in overdrive, it’s pretty challenging to make that oh-so-key solid first impression.

According to Nick Notas, dating coach and co-founder of the relationships consultancy Reconnected, conversation isn’t just about uncovering whether or not you share similar values or interests. In reality, it serves the purpose of helping you both see if you have a good vibe and can trust each other.

“Two people revealing themselves and accepting each other leads to deep human connection,” he tells AskMen. “We aren’t just making a logical decision in choosing someone, but also an emotional one.”

In other words, these first convos can help you to decide just how compatible you are on every level. But we don’t want those jitters to get the best of you.

With these expert-backed first date conversation tips, you can just kick back, relax, and focus on what’s really important: getting to know the person sitting across from you.

First Date Conversation Tips and Tricks

1. Adjust Your Expectations

If you go into a date intending to dazzle with your conversation skills, all that pressure might just sabotage your ability to be present and enjoy the experience. To avoid that, Steph Ganowski, a relationship coach for men and host of the dating podcast What I Love About Men, suggests adjusting your mindset ahead of time.

“Change your expectation from ‘I need to impress her’ to something that you are actually in control over and sets you up for success — something like, ‘I need to show curiosity and try my best to have fun with this person,’” she says. “If after doing all of that, there is no connection, chemistry or passion, then that’s fine. Everyone is not for everyone.”

2. Don’t Pass Up Small Talk

“When it comes to a first date, conversation is very important but that doesn’t mean it has to be serious,” says Ganowski.

As eager as you may be to go beyond shallow topics, remember that you have plenty of time to delve under the surface. On a first date, you’re really just doing a vibe check. To that point, Ganowski suggests embracing small talk during that initial meeting.

“Try changing your perspective around small talk from ‘boring’ to ‘building trust,’” she explains. “I tell my clients, ‘Let her ease into being with you. She will build more trust with you talking about comfortable topics first and then gaging your reaction. When you jump too quickly into the ‘deep’ conversations, it can feel a bit daunting for her and she may start to question the need to pull back from you.”

Fran Greene, dating and relationship coach and author of The Secret Rules of Flirting, advises starting off with a failsafe question: “How was your day?”

“It sets the stage for your date to start talking about something they know,” she says. “And they can share as much or as little as they want.”

3. Have Some Ice Breakers at the Ready

No matter how much chemistry you have with someone, an awkward silence or two are bound to pop up on a first date. That’s why Greene recommends having some topics prepared ahead of time in case they don’t come up naturally at any point. Here are some of her favorite ice breakers:

What’s on your bucket list right now?
If you unexpectedly won $10,000, what would you do with it?
What’s the best advice someone gave you?
If you are on vacation, what’s the first thing you like to do when you arrive in a new place?
What are your biggest pet peeves?
Tell me all about your name — are you named after someone? Any nicknames?

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Show Some Passion

Most women would agree that nothing makes a man more attractive than hearing him explain what he’s really passionate about. Needless to say, those are the things you should be bringing up on a first date, according to Notas.

“Think about topics you’re connected to and play to your strengths,” he says. “They could be hobbies you invest a lot of time in, or they could be discussions that fascinate you and you’re curious to hear someone else’s perspective. What matters most is that they stir some kind of emotion in you. Because then you’ll express yourself much more openly and charismatically.”

Ganowski uses F.O.R.D. — Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams — in coaching her clients on what to talk about during first dates. She explains that many men tend to initiate conversation around the former two topics and forget the latter two. While topics like family and careers are a great way to get to know someone better, they can sometimes summon stressful feelings if someone’s unhappy in either facet of their life, making them somewhat riskier topics when you’re trying to create a light, fun experience.

“On the other hand, with the topics of recreation and dreams, there is a much higher probability that she will feel positive feelings in the conversation, such as excitement and happiness,” notes Ganowski. “Don’t you feel that way when talking about what you do for fun or what you want in life? I’m not saying you should never bring up family or occupation into the conversation, but try your best to create a healthy mix and focus more on the latter two.”

Pro tip: Your date won’t always remember exactly what you said, but she will remember how you made her feel. That’s why it’s better to initiate topics that are more likely to trigger those positive feelings that she can then associate with you.

5. Don’t Brag, Badmouth, or B*tch

Whatever you talk about on a first date, experts urge you to keep it positive. With that in mind, here are a few things Ganowski advises avoiding:

Talking badly about others, whether it’s your roommate, server, or a stranger sitting nearby
Complaining or venting about anything, whether it’s related to your current date experience (like the food or drinks taking a long time) or your life in general (like your boss)
Bragging about your lifestyle, income, or possessions

“I’ve coached many men who would talk about their cars, how much they make at their job, etc. on first dates because that’s where they felt most confidence in themselves,” says Ganowski. “Then they realized they always ended up with women who would use them for their money. This is a common theme. You will either lose high-value women by boasting or you will gain women who will use you for what you boast about.”

A date is not a therapy session, so if you’re having a bad day, Ganowski suggests rescheduling your meet-up so you’re not sharing those negative vibes as a first impression.

RELATED: 7 First Date Mistakes to Avoid

6. Try to Play It Safe With Your Questions…

As a general rule, experts agree that first dates are not a time for polarizing or intimate questions.

Notas points out that if you happen to have strong religious beliefs, and it’s important for you to date someone who shares those, then that’s a subject you might dip your toe into in order to gauge whether or not you’re a good match. After all, you don’t want to waste their time — or yours.

Aside from that, though, it’s a good idea to avoid talking about your ex or asking about theirs, which could obviously kill the mood.

“You don’t want to bring any negative feelings into your date,” says Ganowski. “Your ex is your ex for a reason. Be present with the woman you’re with and keep her in the spotlight on a first date.”

Greene adds that it’s also inappropriate to ask about someone’s income or financial situation.

7. … But Be Sure to Keep Things Open-Ended

A 2017 study conducted by Harvard researchers found a strong and direct correlation between asking questions and likeability. Not only were people who asked questions deemed more likable, but they were also more likely to score a second date.

Rather than stressing over carrying the conversation, Notas says you should focus on asking open-ended questions that “evoke emotion and not just data.”

For example, don’t ask something like, “What was your major?” and instead, phrase it like, “What made you dedicate four hard years to becoming a nurse?”Or don’t leave it at, “Where have you traveled?” and add, “What was the most unexpected moment of your trip?”

“By asking open-ended, emotional questions, you fire people up to share themselves in ways they haven’t before,” says Notas. “Your date will talk longer, give you more conversation content to build on, and feel encouraged to ask you personal questions that help you open up naturally, too.”

You can also use her same wording and language when you follow up with more questions. For example, if she says, “I’m excited for my trip to Spain this summer,” you can respond with, “Oh yeah? What about Spain are you most excited about?”

“This makes you appear as a great listener,” adds Ganowski. “And women are very impressed by men who portray great listening skills.”

In order to find that balance, be sure to share some of your own thoughts and anecdotes, too, as to keep your date from turning into an interrogation.

8. Keep the Vibe Light and Sweet

The name of the game on a first date, according to Greene, is to keep things as playful, friendly, and flirty as possible. Don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself, or even confess that you’re feeling a little nervous.

“Do whatever you can to put your date at ease,” says Greene.

And whatever you do, don’t underestimate the power of a compliment. Next time you run into an awkward silence, use the opportunity to tell your date something that you’re genuinely digging about them — whether it’s their laugh, their smile, or how well-spoken they are.

9. Maintain a Little Mystery

Oversharing can certainly be the kiss of death, which is why Ganowski advises saving certain topics for your next meet-up.

Better yet, she proposes saying something like, “We’ll save that discussion for date #3.” This simple flirty phrase not only builds anticipation, but it cleverly shows your date that you’re interested in getting to know them on an even deeper level.

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