Picture this: You’ve just gotten into the highly anticipated Pride event you bought overpriced tickets for three months prior, after spending an hour in line in sweltering heat that even your battery-powered pocket fan cannot save you from. You’ve already spent $20 four separate times on your way to the event, once at the bagel store in the morning, another at the liquor store, once on an Uber and again on your party favor of choice. You take a look around, captivated by the different outfits, identities, couples and throuples and friendships, and all the queer joy surrounding you. You’ve been waiting for this day — you even used PTO to make it a long weekend — and nothing can get in your way.
Except for the ex that you just clocked from across the room.
For many of you messy bitches, running into an ex during any event, let alone a Pride event, would have you jumping for joy and scheming up a plan to bump into them near the gender neutral bathrooms. You’d act like it’s the worst thing that could ever happen but on the inside, you’re rubbing your little paws together like some cartoon villain ready to ruin everyone else’s day just to have a little drama.
But for others, running into an ex during Pride is not so much an opportunity for gay shenanigans and more of a Certified Day Ruiner for everybody involved. So here I am with a helpful list of ways you can avoid seeing your ex at Pride events, but I’m sure you can apply them to your everyday life.
10. Stop texting them
You would think that someone dreading running into their ex would be doing everything in their power to make that not happen, but you’d be wrong. We see you sneaky texting in the corner of the pregame! You think you’re having a friendly catchup in the spirit of Pride and then BOOM four drinks later and you’ve paid for an Uber to pick them up across state lines.
9. Stop sharing your location with them
You broke up THREE YEARS AGO!!! It’s time to stop sharing your location with them. Oh, yeah, sure… “It’s been so long they don’t even remember that they have my location!” Show me your screen time on Find Your Friends, and then we can talk. It’s scientifically proven, if you don’t know where your ex is, and if your ex doesn’t know where you are, the chances of running into each other decrease exponentially.
8. Make a really drastic change to your appearance
It has literally never been a bad idea to get a brand new cut and color, tattoo and/or piercing, and update your wardrobe right after a breakup. Debut a whole new you AND avoid running into your ex all with one $14.49 box dye kit. This has never gone wrong.
7. Wear an all-camo outfit
Don’t act like realtree isn’t in right now. Finally, a note we can take from conservatives that will have a net positive on the queer community. Deck yourself out head-to-toe in camouflage and blame it on Chappell Roan…your ex will never find you.
6. Dress up as a police horse
Think of this as a cunty new take on the Trojan Horse. There’s going to unfortunately be cops at Pride, and they’re going to have their little emotional support horses, so you may as well blend in. While you’re there, you could drop a couple turds on your colleagues, talk the other horses into unionizing and plan a coup, “see a snake” and cause a scene, and BONUS: You may make a bunch of new Furry friends!
5. Excessively post your location
Now, this one is a direct contradiction to tip #9, but different strokes for different folks. This one is perfect for folks with exes that can’t fucking stand them! Take the unique approach of excessively posting about where you are and where you’ll be so that your ex has no choice but to beg their friends to avoid those spots.
4. Move to a different state
Everyone’s always talking about long distance relationships, but no one’s ever really talking about long distance breakups. Why are you, a grown adult, living in the same city as your ex? Grow up! Quit your job and abandon your loved ones. That city is cooked, honey!
3. Hire a butch bodyguard to follow you around all day
If you’ve taken every precaution you can and you’re still feeling anxious about potentially running into an ex, simply hire a butch lesbian to be your bodyguard for the day and provide them with a picture of said ex (I am not responsible for said butch lesbian stealing your ex).
2. Hire a gaggle of lookalikes
Hold a casting call for folks who look just like you and hire 10-20 of them to dress up like you and then release them into the wild. This one may get pricey, but it is a guaranteed return on investment. Your ex’s head will be spinning all day every time they catch a glimpse of you (or what looks like you) without you ever once having to interact with them yourself. This tip has an additional subliminal effect resulting in a “Hey, we should talk soon” text from your ex.
1. Get back together
Listen, you won’t have an ex to avoid if you just get back together already! Who cares if you’re incredibly toxic to one another or if you already have a new partner, when has that stopped literally anybody? Afterall, Pride is for miracles and really, really bad mistakes.
