Dear Amy: My son married a lovely young woman, “Sarah,” but ever since the wedding my husband and I never see him. We are only offered the option of seeing the couple at her parents’ house.
This would not be an issue if not for the fact that prior to their wedding last year, our daughter-in-law’s father, “Stan,” reached out to my husband and asked him to help him quash a revenge-porn issue initiated by the boyfriend of a woman he was having an affair with (Stan was cheating on his wife).
My husband was stunned and further insulted when Stan asked him not to tell me about any of this (we don’t keep secrets from one another).
Long story short, my husband’s advice was for Stan to come clean with his wife and daughters. He did not.
I cannot stomach socializing with this creep.
I am reluctant to tell my son why his father and I do not want to go to his in-laws’. I’m thinking that because of what we know, this disclosure would probably backfire (although we kept all of the text evidence).
Can you help?
— Mom with Morals
Dear Mom: First of all, I hope you invite your son and daughter-in-law to your home. Frequently it seems young wives dictate the couple’s social calendar, so you should try to carve out some reasonable time with them, because this dynamic will only grow stronger if they decide to have children.
For now, you and your husband could tell your son, “Dad and I had a conflict with ‘Stan’ right before your wedding. Because of that, we want to keep some distance for now. We absolutely love ‘Sarah’ and don’t want to create any problems for you, but we’re going to lay low.”
There is no need for you to disclose anything further about this conflict. Your son might go to “Stan” and ask about it, and if so, Stan will likely lie about the episode. Do you then want to pull out your text messages to prove his guilt? (I wouldn’t.) He’s a creepy slimeball, but he is your daughter-in-law’s father and it is not up to you to “out” him. He’ll out himself (or one of his girlfriends will) soon enough.
I think you should simply be discreet, politely distant and supportive of this young couple, without interfering in her family’s life.
Dear Amy: I’ve been married to a nice guy for 45 years. He is kind, but not thoughtful or romantic. I have told him numerous times what kind of flowers I like, where I like to shop and other hints for gifts.
We don’t exchange Christmas gifts. On Valentine’s Day or my birthday, he acts totally clueless and always picks the opposite of things I’ve mentioned.
I have told him he doesn’t need to get me anything (rather than waste money), but he continues with the useless stuff to ease his guilt (he spends thousands on himself every year).
We don’t hug, or kiss or get intimate, but he does say, “I love you” about three times a year. Do you think he does love me?
I feel sad, underappreciated and lonely. What should I do?
— Lonely Wife
Dear Lonely: I can’t declare whether your husband loves you. I can only reflect the obvious — that he doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved.
After 45 years, this “nice guy” is not going to change. But you can change. Learning to love yourself is a tough job when you’ve spent so much of your life coaching and hoping for your partner to deliver some passion, appreciation and romantic love.
Engage with the world in a way that will change your life script. Take classes, exercise, garden and celebrate your own friendships and family relationships.
There is no loneliness quite like the loneliness you feel when you’re with someone who doesn’t “see” you. Leaving this relationship (even for a short time) might clarify things for you.
Dear Amy: “Jilted Bride” planned a destination wedding requiring a week’s commitment and then felt hurt and “jilted” when family members didn’t attend.
I wish you had pointed out how selfish some of these destination weddings seem. They require so much money and time from guests.
— Don’t Like Destinations
Dear Don’t Like: Excited couples don’t seem to take into careful account the tremendous impact their beautiful plans can have. Yes, this can seem selfish.
(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: [email protected]. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.)
Copyright 2018 by Amy Dickinson
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