Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
One of my best friends, who’s married, has fallen in love with me. When we first met, I thought he was my type, but then I saw his wedding ring, and have been satisfied with friendship ever since. I know, like and respect his wife, and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I’ve seen his feelings growing for a while, and haven’t said anything to him — until he sent me a series of texts recently where he told me that he believes I’m his other half, that I’m beautiful, and that my ex-boyfriend was crazy to have broken up with me. I’ve gotten advice to cut off communication completely, or to call him out, but I don’t want to hurt anyone — least of all him. I’m moving away in a few weeks, and I’m hoping I can just gradually drift away. I don’t know what to do. How do I handle this? —Trying Not to Hurt Anyone
Dear TNTHA,
I don’t think it’s necessary to cut him out of your life, though if you feel called to do so, I won’t talk you out of it. Especially since you’re moving away. And it’s not your job to give this guy a Teachable Moment, but I would consider saying something to him. Because he needs to know that kind of behavior is not cool, and that he put you in an uncomfortable position. And also because, if you don’t say something, it might become a pattern for him. (It might be a pattern already, in fact.)
Take him out for coffee or a drink before you leave town and tell him the ways that you value his friendship, but also the ways he needs to do better — the ways he needs to be a better friend, a better husband and better at emotional boundaries. Tell him that you have too much integrity to indulge in entertaining an affair and so should he.
Then place the ball in his court. If he takes what you tell him to heart and listens and shows up for you as a friend, then proceed from there. If he makes excuses or balks or denies being inappropriate, then, well, you can also proceed from there.
I hear you on the “trying not to hurt anyone” thing. We ladyfolk are taught from an early age to be endlessly sweet and accommodating and to put others’ needs before our own. But, well, then we’re putting everyone else’s needs before our own! It might help you to reframe this not as “My actions hurt someone,” but “My actions are a reflection of the respect I have for myself and those close to me.”
And yes, sometimes the truth is painful (often it’s painful) but pain is also a catalyst. It’s how we grow, if we choose to let it grow us.
Again, I wouldn’t blame you if you just wanted to walk away and wash your hands of the whole thing. It’s a fairly minor blip on the grand trajectory of your life. But, these little things add up. Little tests, little indignities, little chances to make things right. How we handle the small issues often directly affects how well we can adjust to the larger trials, sufferings and limitations we will surely face in the future.
Good luck, TNTHA. May any hurts you might cause be in the service of shining light on the dark spots of the world.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].
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