While the world of kink and BDSM is expansive and varied, there are two roles that dominate the scene (literally), and that’s “Dom” and “sub.” As the abbreviation suggests, “Dom” is short for “Dominant,” aka the one that leads the “scene” (a term that refers to a specific instance of kinky play). “Sub” is short for “submissive,” the one consensually following Dom’s lead in this erotic power exchange. Within BDSM, the Dom/sub dynamic is the bedrock, setting the stage for all the electrifying action that goes down.
"In a D/S dynamic, one partner (the Dominant) assumes control and authority over the other partner (the submissive) within agreed-upon boundaries and with the consent of all parties involved," explains clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye. “This dynamic can manifest in various ways, including through physical, psychological, or sexual domination and submission, often involving elements such as role-playing, bondage, discipline, and obedience.”
But it's important to note that "Dom" (Dominant) and "sub" (submissive) are far from strict definitions. Partners discuss and define these roles to articulate what they signify within their unique relationship and even within individual scenes. While some folks may consistently identify as either Dom or sub, others explore both roles (called "switches"), navigating the spectrum of dominance and submission. Establishing a super hot and healthy power dynamic requires an open and honest conversation about the roles each partner will embody in their kinky endeavors, not to mention educating yourself about kink. "Don't be afraid to ask questions, especially during negotiations," advises sex educator Carly S. "Make sure to do your research beforehand, especially if you're participating in anything outside of standard play. Cover all your bases."
At its heart, BDSM is all about a consensual exchange of power between two stoked and turned-on participants. But it's also a playground for sexual creativity, where partners get to explore and experiment with a variety of kinky activities inspired by the Dom/sub dynamic. Understanding this dynamic and how it operates is key to diving into the world of kink in a way that's both safe and fulfilling.
What Is a Dom?
A Dom is short for dominant, aka the more aggressive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A Dom might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they are in control of their submissive partner’s climax through forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial. Other common Dom activities might include the dominant partner using a remote control sex toy on the submissive partner, or a Dom face-sitting (also called queening) on their partner. “It’s important to note that being a dom(me) involves an immense amount of responsibility, respect, and communication to create a safe and fulfilling experience for all parties involved,” Renye says.
What Is a Sub?
A sub is short for submissive, aka the more submissive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. Of course, that doesn’t mean that they’re actually passive. Sex educators will tell you all day that the sub is the one who really controls the scene. Subs tend to revel in the thrill of being under their partner’s command, finding pleasure being called names, disciplined, spanked, or forced to orgasm at the hands of their Dom (or through a remote-controlled vibrator). “Submissives have the agency to set limits, express preferences, and communicate their desires to their dominant partners,” says Renye. “They actively guide the direction of scenes, choosing what activities they are comfortable with and what they wish to explore. Subs hold the power to stop or modify activities at any time by employing safe words or non-verbal cues, ensuring their physical and emotional well-being are prioritized.”
What Is the Appeal of the Dom/sub Dynamic?
The Dom/sub dynamic is about the giving and receiving of power. It can be a way of escaping into a world of fantasy through sexual expression.
This dynamic is often seen as a way to safely explore power exchange, trust, and vulnerability between partners. “The submissive partner gives up control and trusts the dominant partner to take care of them, while the Dominant partner takes on the responsibility of leading and guiding the submissive partner,” adds kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara. It is this exchange of power that acts as a source of pleasure and fulfillment for both partners. The joy isn’t just orgasms and pleasure, it’s the power exchange itself.
Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, tells Cosmo there are a lot of personal reasons someone may seek out consensual D/s relationships. It can be about exploring control, specific roles, surrender, service, routine, hierarchy etc.
“Some people mistakenly believe that those who engage in power exchange dynamics lack autonomy or agency, when in fact, individuals in these relationships actively negotiate and navigate their roles, maintaining control over their own experiences,” Renye says. The Dominant gets to embrace the role of protector and navigator (thank you, daddy), guiding the submissive through the journey.
And the essence of this dynamic isn't solely found in the physical pleasure or orgasm. In fact, for some folks, it's not about that at all, but the appeal lies in the profound exchange of power that brings a deep sense of satisfaction and connection to both parties. "There's a misconception that power exchange dynamics are always sexual in nature, whereas they can encompass a wide range of activities and dynamics beyond sexual intimacy, such as service-oriented relationships or psychological domination," Renye says.
Types of Dom/sub Relationships:
24/7
While it’s important to understand that not all D/s relationships are 24/7, some are. That means pretty much what it sounds like. Within 24/7 relationships, the Dominant and the submissive have negotiated and agreed that they’ll inhabit these roles all of the time, not just during kinky play. It's not unusual for a 24/7 submissive to wear a collar indicating the role they’ve consensually taken on.
CNC
CNC, or consensual non-consent, may sound a little scary, and it’s def not for everyone. That said, the key word here is consenual. CNC is a type of D/s role play in which all parties, after careful discussion and negotiations, agree to act out a scene involving faux “non-consensual” activities. Yes, this may include rape fantasies, but it's important to note that rape play and CNC are not interchangeable, and not all CNC involves a rape scene. It’s a super normal fantasy, and can even be healing for people with trauma.
Daddy/babygirl
A type of caregiving relationship, the daddy/babygirl dynamic involves a lot of nurturing (and, typically, a lot of hot sex). And, if you like to be wined, dined, and pampered, you’re absolutely allowed to add a little “sugar” to the daddy dynamic and make sure that they're taking care of you in all of the ways.
DD/lg
DD/lg is an acronym for “Daddy Dom/little girl.” It’s similar in some ways to the Daddy/babygirl dynamic, but features an element of age play. It’s “a common type of BDSM play where the dominant partner (referred to as “Daddy”) takes on a nurturing and guiding role, while the submissive partner (referred to as “little girl”) takes on a more childlike, submissive demeanor and relies on the Daddy for care and guidance,” Chiara previously told Cosmo.
Female-Led Relationships
Daddies don't always run the show, and “daddy” can even be gender-neutral. In female-led D/s dynamics, there’s an on-going relationship between a dominant woman and typically submissive man, but of course, as with all D/S relationships, feel free to queer it up. Talking about female-led D/S is mostly important to acknowledge that not all men are Doms and not all women are subs.
Training Relationships
In training dynamics, one partner acts as the dominant and teacher while the submissive takes on a learning/student role. This setup still invokes a distinct power hierarchy, yet it emphasizes a learning or training program, providing an erotic power exchange plus a crash course in kink.
Keyholders
Keyholding dynamics typically involve chastity play. In such relationships, one partner dons a chastity device, like a belt or cock cage, while the other controls access—either by physically holding the key or determining when the device can be removed. This control can also manifest in ways that don't involve chastity devices, such as the dominant deciding when their submissive is allowed to touch themselves, come, or even have sex. This type of D/s play highlights a profound level of trust and power exchange between partners.
Types of D/s Scenes
A classic D/s bondage scene
Where the Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This can include a range of activities such as punishment, bondage, or sensory play.
A caretaking scene
Where the Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a “little” in this dynamic.
A Dom/brat scene
The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
A Master/pet
Here the Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.
Tips for Having a Healthy Dom/Sub Relationship
1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehand
There should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that no matter what role each person is playing, both have the right to stop play at any time if it gets uncomfy. Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a Dom! Just because they’ve agreed to be a Dom in this scenario, if they feel uncomfortable going as hard as their sub would like, they can stop at any time.
2. Define what BDSM and D/s roles look like for you
Only you and your play partners can define what BDSM is for you. While it can be easy to try to model your own BDSM play off of others’ experiences, clinical sexologist Ness Cooper explains that it’s crucial to explore and express what BDSM means and looks like to you and your partner(s), rather than trying to follow someone else’s script.
This, friends, takes time and patience. Start exploring online. Look for BDSM classes (like this one that Chiara teaches). This way, you can come to the play with a better understanding of how you’d like to cocreate your scene with your partner. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Kink is about breaking open the box, not fitting inside of it.
3. Have a safe word (or two)
Many people use a word for “yellow,” which means “I’m approaching my limit—let’s pause and back off a little” and a word for “red,” which means hard stop, no questions asked.
4. Practice aftercare when the sex is over
Aftercare is a common BDSM practice where the Dom and sub reassure each other that the kink scenario they just played out is not reflective of real life. This can look like a Dom reassuring their sub, getting them a glass of water, or cuddling. It’s like when the director of a movie yells, “Cut!” and things go back to normal.
As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax previously explained to Cosmopolitan, “Aftercare is all about reestablishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex.”
5. Check in regularly
If you’re playing with Dom/sub roles, you want to continue having ongoing check-ins with your partner(s) to ensure everyone is still on the same page and engaging in the play they want to engage in. Spoiler: People change their minds and want to explore or not explore certain things at different points in their lives. Continuing to check in with partners over the course of your relationship is a crucial part of maintaining safe, consensual play for everyone involved.
