Picture this: You’ve been dating for years and you want your partner to propose, or you’ve been in a situationship for months and you just want some commitment. It’s not too much to ask, right?! In a dream world, you’d always be on the same page as your (maybe) significant other, but in reality, that’s not always the case. It’s these exact situations that’ll have even the most levelheaded person wondering if they should give their partner an ultimatum.
“An ultimatum is a demand that someone make a decision one way or the other, with the understanding that there’s a certain time frame [in which] they must make the decision,” explains Gary Brown, PhD, LMFT, FAPA, a marriage and family therapist in L.A. The purpose of an ultimatum is to get you what you want when you want it and is actually a pretty common strategy—just peep Netflix’s reality series The Ultimatum. Normally, this is a “final proposition or a demand” someone gives their significant other, adds relationship therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, with the choices usually being “do what I want” or “shit’s about to go down.”
While you might typically associate ultimatums with marriage, Jackson says the tactic is used for a number of different things. “I’ve worked with clients who’ve had ultimatums around buying homes, having children, getting married, travel, religion—it can be around anything,” she explains. And even though ultimatums might seem like a fine way to get what you want, that doesn’t mean basing your future off a Netflix show is the move.
Below, four relationship experts explain everything you need to know about ultimatums, from how they work to why they’re probably definitely not the way to get what you want in your relationship. Read this before opting in on casting emails from The Ultimatum, mmk?
How do ultimatums work?
In short, one person says, “I need this from you, and if you don’t do it, there will be negative consequences.” In the most extreme cases, the end result of an unmet ultimatum is the end of a relationship, but that’s not the case with every situation. “There’s a continuum of ultimatums,” Jackson explains. “Like if you’re living with your partner and you’re like, ‘If you don’t wash the car, I’m not going to go with you to your football game,’” that’s an ultimatum.
Even though the above situation seems like NBD, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right—or healthy—way to get what you want. “What most people don’t realize is that [ultimatums are] often [based] around something they value very highly but haven’t really talked about or expressed to their partner in detail,” Jackson says. So, maybe the person in Jackson’s example hates that their partner never washes the car and since this mythical football game is important, they’re holding it over their S.O.’s head instead of expressing that they hate having a dirty car. See? Wouldn’t it just be easier/way better/way healthier if they just...said that?
Why would someone give an ultimatum IRL?
Ultimatums usually come from a power imbalance in the relationship, marriage and family therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, explains. “Someone doesn’t feel like they have a voice or their concerns aren’t being addressed, so when this ultimatum is presented, it’s that person’s way of trying to reclaim some type of power and influence in the relationship.”
Since having your needs met is key to feeling authentic and valued in a relationship, when someone feels like they have no other way of getting what they need, they might issue an ultimatum. If it’s an ultimatum regarding the actual relationship—like to move in together or get married—Andre says this is usually caused by a lack of clarity. “If specific conversations aren’t happening and there aren’t clear, concise answers, it can fuel insecurities in the relationship.”
Once insecurities take hold and there’s this unknown at the core of a relationship, someone might get so frustrated and desperate for transparency that they issue an ultimatum as a last-ditch effort. Relationship therapist Ashley Starwood, LCSW, says this is considered a cry for help because the partner feels so out of options they have to make their S.O. choose between the relationship and their needs.
Do ultimatums work?
Despite how common they are, all the experts agree: Ultimatums rarely ever work. In fact, Jackson says they’re “kind of trash” because even when they do work, it’s typically because someone “fears abandonment in some form” and not because anyone suddenly had a change of heart, adds Starwood.
“[Ultimatums] generally make at least one if not both partners feel some level of resentment,” Dr. Brown explains. “The person making the demand is likely feeling resentment because they have to make the ultimatum. The person being demanded will likely feel resentful because most of us don’t want to feel pressured into doing something we don’t want to do.”
So even when an ultimatum is met, the result isn’t exactly great, and Jackson says it can actually be the downfall of a relationship. “A high level of sacrifice can be very detrimental to relationships because there can’t be a compromise for everything,” she explains. If you want to get married but your partner doesn’t believe in the institution or if they want kids and you don’t, the compromise isn’t really a compromise because ultimately, one person is “giving in” or “giving up” their needs and beliefs. “It’s a very tricky space to navigate,” Jackson says, “And that’s why big core issues need to be discussed early on.”
Why do ultimatums usually backfire?
Worse than ultimatums simply not working, they actually usually make the whole situation even worse. “Ultimatums tend to make people defensive, angry, resentful, distrustful, and manipulated,” Brown says. “They aren’t healthy because it can be viewed as an attack on someone’s free will to be their authentic self.”
Typically, whoever is given an ultimatum wasn’t ready to make that particular decision or life change, Starwood says, and having to make a choice before they’re ready can cause a pretty catastrophic turn of events. Sometimes it means years of unhappy compromises with a reckoning down the line, while other times it means the person given the ultimatum leaves.
So before you lay out any ultimatum, Brown says you need to be prepared to walk away from the relationship, if it comes to that. “Giving an ultimatum says—to a significant degree—that you do not trust your partner to give you what you want.” And since trust is pretty much the core of a relationship, without it, the rest of the foundation will likely crumble.
“I understand the intention behind ultimatums, but essentially it’s not the healthiest form of communication,” Jackson says. “People can potentially shoot themselves in the foot by putting a timeline on something that’s too rushed, when their partner may just need a little bit more time to figure it out.”
What should you do instead of giving an ultimatum?
Okay, so what do you do if an ultimatum feels like the only solution? Brown says to first, check your communication styles. “Are you having healthy discussions about what is important, or are you having arguments? Have you clearly, without judgment, expressed your needs? Most of us respond much better to praise and affirmations than punishment.”
If you find that you’re not communicating productively—and even if you are—Jackson recommends couples therapy to help you navigate timelines, nonnegotiables, and the root of the ultimatum. “Sometimes it’s not about someone wanting to or not wanting to do something—they just don’t want the timeline or the pressure of doing it when their partner wants them to,” Jackson says. If you’re not on completely different ends of the spectrum in regards to things like marriage or where to live, Jackson says a therapist can help you navigate a compromise that feels fair.
From a general perspective, it’s a good idea to always keep those healthy lines of communication open when you embark on a new relationship. If you start feeling like you want something different than previously discussed or if your original plans begin to change, talk about it early and often. This way you stay on the same page as your needs develop instead of blindsiding your partner years down the road.
And if it comes to the point where you’re considering an ultimatum, Brown says to use his “Couples 80 Percent Rule” for clarity. Ask yourself if you’re okay with missing out on 20 percent of what you need if you’re still getting the other 80 percent. “More than likely, not getting what you want is a deal breaker for you,” he says.
Basically, you shouldn’t test your relationship using tactics you saw on an experimental Netflix dating show, no matter how much you want wedding bells in your future.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
