As you may have noticed, non-monogamy is quite the media darling of the moment. From TV shows to dating apps to, ahem, this very website, consensual non-monogamy (sometimes called “ethical non-monogamy”) is pretty much everywhere these days. And it’s not just on your screens and feeds—all kinds of non-monogamous activities are going down in bedrooms near you, and they come in many, many different forms. That’s because non-monogamy isn’t just one thing. Rather, ENM/CNM encompasses a wide variety of relationship styles and behaviors, from closed polyamory to “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangements to swinging—the latter of which, friends, is what brings us here today.
Wait, swinging?! People still, uh, do that? That’s right, folks. Pop your keys in the bowl, plop your upside-down pineapples on the front door, and buckle up, because it’s time to learn all about the swinger lifestyle.
We know what you’re thinking: Is swinging even still a thing? And while the answer is an emphatic hell yes, it is, if the idea of swingers swapping sex partners is giving you Mad Men flashbacks, there’s a good reason for that. Swinging has been around since basically forever—long before consensual non-monogamy was anywhere near mainstream. But swinging has come a long way since its 1950s-pearls-and-polka-dots, secret-gathering roots. These days, The Lifestyle is alive and well—growing and evolving as non-monogamy continues to increase in visibility and cultural acceptance.
So, for the uninitiated, what exactly is swinging? “The classic definition generally involves singles and couples in committed partnerships playing sexually with other singles and established couples,” says sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast. (Oh, and if the whole “upside-down pineapple” thing has you thrown, not to worry. This is a notorious symbol that swingers would use to indicate that they were in The Lifestyle—or such is the lore, anyway.)
But what exactly does the swinger lifestyle entail? Can anyone hop on board and swing? And what makes swinging different from other forms of non-monogamy? Join us on our deep dive into the wild world of swinging. With the help of some of the world’s leading experts in all things non-monogamy, we’ll unpack all your burning (swinging?) questions.
What Is the Swinger Lifestyle?
Swinging, also known as “The Lifestyle,” is the practice of consensual “partner swapping.“ It’s a form of non-monogamy in which committed partners engage in sexual relationships outside of the primary partnership, usually together and/or in the same environment.
“These partners can be one-time or repeated, and although friendships may develop, the primary relationship(s) are meant to remain intact and not expand to include multiple committed partners,” explains Celina Criss, CSC, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.
Swingers are usually in committed relationships, are open to having sexual experiences outside of the relationships, and/or are looking to have shared sexual experiences with their primary partner (such as threesomes and group sex). “It usually emphasizes relational monogamy and poly sexuality—meaning there is sexual play with others, but emotionally, there is one commitment,” Heidegger says. You’re down to get freaky with multiple hotties, but your heart remains with your main squeeze.
Historically, swinging has been relegated to a pretty heterosexual environment, in which heterosexual cisgender couples swap partners.
…And Is the Term Outdated?
As Cosmo columnist Zachary Zane has pointed out, the term “swinger” is losing its appeal with younger generations due largely to its traditionally heterosexual context. Criss agrees with Zane’s assessment, citing heteronormative implications the term “swinging” has pointed to in the past. “It does bring up particular connotations of wife-swapping and has a decidedly retro vibe to it,” she says.
That said, who says the term ‘swinging’ can’t take on a new, more inclusive meaning? As the world gets more queer and our cultural understanding of gender and sexuality becomes more fluid, the term “swinger,” (and The Lifestyle itself) will likely continue to evolve as well.
“As a culture, many young folks are expanding beyond binaries,” says Heiddeger. “I see the same thing in The Lifestyle. There are no longer black-and-white definitions of what things have to be [or] look like. Folks get to create, curate, and collaborate on their own unique relationship.”
Swinging is beginning to shed its hetero-leaning, over-40s reputation and starting to move toward a place where anyone, in any kind of relationship, may choose to swap or share partners. In fact, Zane himself is hosting a bisexual swingers week in Vegas (which we highly encourage attending, if you’re feeling adventurous).
Swinging vs. Other Forms of Non-Monogamy: What’s the Difference?
Non-monogamy is a big umbrella term that houses an endless configuration of different relationship styles, and swinging is one of them. While swinging is a form of being open, not all swingers will consider themselves to be in an open relationship. Definitions are entirely determined by the people who wear the labels. In a more classically open relationship, couples are free to sexually explore without their primary partner involved. Swingers, meanwhile, usually explore sexually as a team.
Criss says many swingers identify as what legendary sex columnist Dan Savage has coined “monogamish.” Meaning, couples who are mostly monogamous but are open to outside sexual exploration in certain contexts.
“In the traditional sense, swinging and the Lifestyle engages in a hierarchical set up where there is a primary [or] anchor partnership that takes emotional precedence over other connections,” Heiddeger adds. In swinging, there is sexual exploration, but the primary couple remains intact.
This is different from a polyamorous structure, where partners often have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once.
What Exactly Does Swinging Entail?
Setting and Configurations
Swinging usually involves couples, but licensed sex therapist Moushumi Ghose, MFT, says it’s open to singles as well, particularly women and femmes. Single women who partake in swinging are sometimes referred to as “unicorns” within the Lifestyle community (although it’s worth noting that this term is sometimes considered controversial).
Swingers may have sex in the same room as their partners—or they may not. It’s really about what everyone involved desires and feels comfortable with.
Where Do Swingers Meet?
Obviously, swingers can meet literally anywhere they happen upon other swingers, but some typical avenues for saucy swinging rendezvous include:
● At swingers’ parties.
● At swingers’ hotel takeovers, swingers’ cruises, or other organized events.
● On dating apps like 3Fun, Feeld, Taimi, FetLife, or Pure.
● At sex parties for people who are in The Lifestyle.
Activities
Every configuration is different depending on the folks doing the swinging, but boundaries around the kinds of sexual activity that are on the table are often in place. Enter: The Hard Swap vs. The Soft Swap.
Soft Swap
A soft swap is usually when everything is on the table except penetrative sex—whether that be anal or vaginal intercourse. Ghose says a soft swap is a good way to dip your toe into the swinging world before taking things any further.
Hard Swap
A hard swap is when you’re allowed to have penetrative sex with your casual partner.
The level to which couples will want to swap/engage in different sex acts is determined by everyone involved and the level of risk each person is willing to take on.
We should, however, point out that this whole “hard swap/soft swap” dichotomy reinforces the (totally BS) sexual hierarchy wherein penetrative sex is valued as the only “real sex.” This just isn’t true. All sexual acts are created equal.
So, while you and your partner(s) are absolutely entitled to set the boundaries that work for you, it may be worth questioning why you find penetrative sex to be “more intense” or “of greater value” than other sex acts. Just some food for thought, friends!
Is Swinging for Everyone?
The simple answer is: Hell yes! Swinging is for anyone and everyone who wants to swing. While swinging’s roots are quite heterosexual, that doesn’t mean only heterosexual couples and singles can swing. When you’re looking into events and parties, be sure you check out how queer-friendly they are. There is definitely a community out there for you!
5 Expert-Approved Ways to Try Swinging
1. Communicate Openly
In order to safely open your relationship, you have to be willing to get vulnerable with your partner. This means communicating freely about all the feelings (both good and bad) that exploring swinging gives you. Talk about what gets you excited, giddy, nervous, anxious, scared, etc. “This is a good litmus test,” says Ghose. “If you can tolerate this, then move on to the heavier and headier discussions.”
2. Learn Your Stuff
The most important first step in any kind of nontraditional relationship exploration is getting clear on what it is you’re actually looking to try. Heiddeger suggests listening to podcasts, reading books, and taking classes. Open relationships expert Dr. Zhana Vrangalova has an online course called “Open Smarter” which helps couples open their relationship in healthy and safe ways. It’s a great first step for couples on their non-monogamous journey.
3. Work With a Sex-Positive Therapist
Creating an open relationship or swinging agreement with a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy can help couples establish boundaries and communication. “Have a protocol in place for how you want to check in about this agreement if you want to make amendments,” Heiddeger says. It’s really about getting clear with your expectations and making a commitment to ongoing communication.
4. Go to an Intro Swinging Event
There are likely plenty of amazing swingers events and meetups happening in a city near you. Finding them can be as easy as a Google search. There are also plenty of listings on sites like Kasidie and Fetlife. You can go to one of these events without actually doing any swinging. It’s great to go, meet people, and get a feel for the community before jumping in. This can help to establish a sense of safety.
5. Take It Slow
Take your damn time! You want to move with caution in order to ensure everyone is feeling safe, comfortable, and taken care of every step of the way. “Maybe start with flirting and/or meeting people on dates before engaging in a soft swap, and definitely before engaging in a hard swap,” says Ghose. Be sure to check in with your partner before, during, and after swinging interactions to ensure you’re on the same page.
Swinging is just one of many amazing and exciting ways to explore the world of non-monogamy. It can be a fantastic way to mix things up in your ’ship and explore your sexuality. Proceed with care, but remember to have a good time. Swing on, my friends!
