Genuinely good sex is hard to come by, as are actually good, healthy relationships. We're big fans of having one without the other, as long as everyone involved is happy and safe (and having a giant laugh). But for those of us who want to have casual sex without ~feelings~, navigating this with new/existing partner(s) can be hard.
Here, women who have had/are having/bloody love casual sex and hookups explain how they do it and what they've learned.
Take. Notes.
"You don't have to be in a relationship to have good sex", says Dani, 26
"Casual sex is just bloody wicked isn't it! I’m very all or nothing, so if I'm not in a relationship I’m having lots of hookups. I’m very proud of having been well 'slutty' in my life because it’s great. I cannot stand when people think the only environment in which you can have good sex is in a relationship. The best casual sex I ever had was with a guy I was relatively friendly with but not that close. We only slept together once, but literally as much as we could in 24 hours. He always respected that I didn’t see it as more than that, and didn’t do the classic sexist thing of thinking that I must want more because I’m a woman. And, he wasn’t put off in the morning when I was like, 'Please leave now I have things to do.'
"Sometimes you get men who get annoyed if you don’t want more, I’ve had that once or twice. I’ve now been in a relationship for six years and I'm very happy. This also means that I’ve only had hetero experiences of casual sex, because I didn’t realise I was into some ladies too until about two years into my relationship. It's a shame straight is the default, and my realisation came loads later and I missed out on lots of potential sexy time."
"Casual hookups have allowed me to explore sex without the pressure of a relationship," says Tiffany, 30
"London is a very hard place to find a proper relationship, and it's very easy to end up in a weird middle ground where you're hanging out loads in a relationshippy way but it will never go anywhere. I ended up in loads of those and realised they made me really sad and act in quite a wild way. So I think I've got into hooking up because it's so much less complicated.
"You've set the boundaries for why you're there, you're maybe going for a drink first but there's no pretence or confusion. I find myself hooking up with a few people every month, usually a regular casual sex thing, off Hinge, Tinder and Raya. It's led to some very fun experiences and has allowed me to explore what I like and don't like, without the pressure of a relationship.
"I don't really have any problems with the people I sleep with because I'm very clear about my boundaries. I think they come when you haven't drawn the lines or if you're going on dates and shagging."
"Meet up only to have sex and for nothing else", says Emily, 21
"I enjoy being able to call someone up whenever I’m in the mood. I feel you can be more free in terms of not being insecure about your body, and not being embarrassed about bringing up any kinks - compared to the early stages of a relationship where you feel pressure to want them to like you or don’t want to seem weird... Maybe that’s just me.
"I recently had a casual sex/friends with benefits situation going on for 18 months. We went out for food and drinks a few times at the beginning. After that we kept it simple and would literally just go to each other’s houses, usually at "acceptable hookup times" like 11pm.
"I definitely went through a phase of wanting more, but all it took was a very clear 'What do you want? What are we?' conversation to get rid of any confusion. I would say meet up only to have sex and for nothing else. Doing anything remotely 'datey' and even messaging about things other than meeting up creates blurred lines. Also, I very rarely slept over. "
"There’s far too much pressure on women to be SUPER CASUAL COOL GALS", says Kate, 26
"It’s fun to have sex, and there are so few people I fancy enough/feel compatible with to be in a relationship that I guess casual sex is where it’s at RN for me. My experience of casual sex is mostly with friends and acquaintances, especially in a university environment. Less so now I’m in the working world and living in London, as I don’t really like doing it via dating apps (I get scared I’ll be murdered by any male matches, lol!)
"I’ve had experiences with men where at the time, I’ve thought of something as casual sex, but then with retrospect I see there was more emotional intimacy than I’d gauged at the time. I think the word confuses matters. Maybe we should use different terminology. Like ‘freelance bangs’. Intentionally or otherwise, I think some people deploy the term 'casual sex' to mindfuck and gaslight, in all honestly (looking atchu, Lots Of Men!) I think possibly because we’re not sure whether we want to commit, it’s like a golden get-out-of-jail-free card, because you can end a sitch with someone without any kind of closure or explanation.
"I think in hetero interactions there’s far too much pressure on women to be SUPER CASUAL COOL GALS who don’t require any kind of emotional intimacy or even respect (OR EVEN TOAST IN THE MORNING). In my experience, I’ve found that’s how some men prefer to operate until they decide they’ve ‘caught feelings’."
"Very good casual sex is difficult to come across" says Alice, 24
"The way I define casual sex is: Receiving the ‘tonight?’ What’sApp notification. Having little or no conversation apart from ‘when and where?’ And where there are no expectations from either person. I only really enjoy it unless it happens to be very good, which I find is difficult to come across if there isn’t a emotional connection there too.
"The hardest part is trying to reassure my friends I know what I am doing. When they know it's casual sex they instantly assume I'm being fucked over. When actually I'm aware that whoever it is will not suddenly fall in love with me/want to spend real time with me.
"With one guy, when we first matched on Hinge we both knew a ‘sleepover’ was going to happen at the end of the date, and it did. From that moment on, it was very casual. We probably saw each other five times until it eventually faded out. We did however still have each other on Instagram, and six months later he slid into my DMs (classic). He still attempts to casually meet up with me but I am SO over it."
