The end of a relationship can ignite a powder keg of negative emotions. Phrases like “there’s always tomorrow” or “don’t give up on love” can seem shallow and ridiculous. On the other hand, declarations like “I wasted my time” seem right on target. Dr. Venus Nicolino says at this turbulent point in their lives, people need to set aside cynicism and remind themselves that time spent loving another person is never squandered.
In taking that approach, the bestselling author and doctor of clinical psychology is in agreement with none other than William Shakespeare, who famously wrote in Hamlet: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” The Bard’s point is that perspective changes everything. Nicolino posits that definitely applies to the end of a loving relationship.
In a recent video posted on her popular TikTok channel, Nicolino — affectionately known as “Dr. V” — warns those coming out of a relationship to be wary of feelings and thoughts that can quickly spiral out of control.
“Breakups suck, and they can even cause delusions. A breakup can actually persuade you that you wasted your time on a relationship. I’m here to tell you that love is never a waste of time. Ever,” declared Dr. Venus Nicolino.
“Your hurt is real and you shouldn't ignore it. But don’t let it distort your beautiful memories. And don’t allow the pain to discount what you gained during your relationship, what you learned about yourself, about love itself.”
Who Is Dr. Venus Nicolino?
Dr. Venus Nicolino is a popular doctor of psychology known for her blunt style and ability to provide insights that defy conventional wisdom. Based in Los Angeles, she’s the bestselling author of Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls--t, the host of ”The Tea With Dr. V” podcast and a frequent dispenser of sage advice on a wide variety of topics on her TikTok channel.
Nicolino has also done the work. She’s earned a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology.
One of the recurring themes through all of her videos and interviews — and one she focuses on in her book — is the idea of not paying attention to traditional wisdom that’s not always so wise. She encourages people to embrace love and the time spent in loving relationships, rather than focusing on making them last forever. She also frequently urges people to live in the present moment, not the past or the future.
“The truth is, everything ends. Everything,” Nicolino admonished in the TikTok video. “So, is everything we spend our time on a waste of time? No, it isn’t. There’s no better thing to spend your time on than love.”
The ‘Right Person, Wrong Time’ Fallacy
An example of Dr. Venus Nicolino taking issue with conventional wisdom and well-known sayings is her reaction to the phrase “right person, wrong time.” It’s another idea that can resonate with people who have just endured a breakup, especially since it’s a topic of so many pop songs, romance movies, and very long subreddits.
Dr. V says it’s the wrong way to look at the situation. “‘Right person, wrong time.’ Now, that’s a nifty little saying, isn’t it?” she said in another TikTok video. “Too bad it’s 1,000% wrong.”
She says it’s a good thing this saying is so wrong. Why? Because too many people spend their post-breakup days beating themselves up for not having better timing or cursing their bad luck.
“It wasn’t bad timing. It was perfect timing. Because what you got at that time is what you needed. Whether it was love, or a lesson, or both. All of that was so right,” Nicolino said. “That lover was beautiful and you were amazing together. And the timing was perfect. It’s just that perfect is not infinite. There’s no guarantee of tomorrow with any relationship, or anything else, for that matter.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino suggested the old saying should get a modern makeover to “right person, right time.” That’s the path to a more healthy outlook on your just-ended relationship — and also one that can give you a better attitude for future relationships.
“The right person is the right person whether you date them seven weeks or seven years. Regardless if things ended badly or smoothly, the time you spent together was time you spent in the right way with the right person — for that precious sliver of time,” Nicolino said.
Love People as Much as You Can, Says Dr. Venus Nicolino
Another potential pitfall for those with an ex in their recent past is feeling they simply loved the other person too much — another dusty notion Dr. V would like to see consigned to the ash heap of advice history.
“What are you doing loving people out here too hard? Don’t you know that’ll run them off?” Dr. Venus Nicolino asked, tongue firmly in cheek. She then offers her take: “I say, good riddance. If you go too deep for someone and they leave, guess who has the issue, or issues? Not you.”
Again, Dr. V reminded people that loving someone isn’t a waste of time. She said that if you drive someone away by loving them, it simply means they haven’t yet discovered “how valuable one ounce of love really is.”
But, she added, “That’s not your problem or your lesson to teach. You did your part with mind-blowing love that literally blew them away.”
