How to spot your husband's hidden porn problem: From long trips to the bathroom to bringing home racy underwear, a therapist tells all
Porn is a growing addiction crisis – I should know I work as a counsellor at a boys’ boarding school.
Some of the stories I hear when dealing with young people are unspeakable.
But I can say that a worrying proportion of teenage boys spend hours every day looking at content so explicit it would make anyone blush.
This, perhaps, is not too surprising. After all, when have teenagers not been hormonal monsters?
Porn is now the second most common addiction in the UK after alcohol, according to Britain's biggest rehab provider, the UK Addiction Treatment Group
However, I also run my own psychotherapy practice for adults and since setting up my business, a new phenomenon has shocked me even more: A horrifying number of married men are hooked on internet porn.
Research suggests that, since the Covid pandemic, the number of people – almost entirely men – seeking help for porn addiction has trebled, according to the UK Addiction Treatment Group, Britain’s biggest rehab provider.
According to the organisation, porn is now the second most common addiction in the UK, after alcohol.
I’ve seen this for myself.
Generally, the first time a woman will realise there is an issue is when she catches sight of porn on their partner’s phone or laptop.
Understandably, this can lead to feeling of anger and disbelief. Many women worry that it must be a reflection of themselves: that they are not attractive enough, not sexy enough – that they are not good enough.
Week after week, distraught women sit in my therapy room, sobbing profusely, and tell me how they discovered their partner had not only been watching porn every day, but that he had been doing this on family holidays, birthdays, and even on their wedding anniversary.
Therapist Samantha Marcham says often the first time a woman will realise there is an issue is when she catches sight of porn on their partner's phone or laptop
But the case that surprised even me, was the man who had slipped away to watch porn on five separate occasions during his own son’s wedding day!
It’s important to say that having a porn problem does not mean someone is a bad person, nor a bad partner. Just like with alcohol and drug abuse, it is a condition that requires treatment.
It certainly doesn’t mean that a husband doesn’t love his wife.
However, porn addiction can have serious consequences if it is not treated.
One of the most common issues is that many men who regularly watch porn struggle to perform during sex.
Another is that men may start acting out violent fantasies, such as attempting to choke or hit their partner.
One of the most worrying consequences of a porn problem is that it puts men at risk of ‘sextortion’, a crime that is on the increase in the UK.
One of my clients, a professional man in his 50s, arrived at my clinic in a state of sheer panic after his porn habit spiralled into him paying to use chatlines and sexting other women – or so he thought.
One of these ‘women’, turned out to be an Eastern European criminal gang who then demanded money.
When he refused, they threatened to come to his home that evening to pick up the cash, or they would tell his wife and his children.
After I had managed to calm him down, he went home and did the sensible thing and confessed everything to his wife. Together, they called the police.
Ultimately, the key to tackling a porn addiction problem is catching and treating it early. Many men will deny they have an issue for far too long.
This is why, sometimes, it’s up to their wife or partner to stage an intervention. So, with that in mind, here are some of the signs that your husband has a porn addiction...
YOUR SEX LIFE DISAPPEARS
One of the first signs of a porn problem is when a husband suddenly wants less sex.
Of course, in a long-term relationship, it is common for desire to come-and-go.
Research suggests that women are more likely to experience a low sex drive, especially after having children or during menopause.
As a result, many men turn to porn because they feel ‘over-sexed’ compared to their partner and want to let off steam. There is nothing wrong with this – masturbation is a normal habit for both genders.
However, if, seemingly out of nowhere, your husband’s sex drive drops off, this may suggest he is masturbating to porn too much.
I often hear from women who say the first time they noticed any issue was when they instigated sex with their partner and he struggled to gain, or maintain, an erection.
This is also a sign that he may be getting his sexual fix online. There’s even a medical name for this problem – porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
However, this may also be a sign of standard erectile dysfunction, which affects roughly one in four adult men – primarily those over the age of 50.
For this reason, it is important to look for other signs of porn addiction as well.
HE WON’T LET YOU LOOK AT HIS PHONE
When a man becomes cagey about his wife looking at his phone, one of the most likely reasons is that he is regularly using it to view porn.
Historically, this has been seen as a possible sign of an affair – but frankly, I can tell you it’s much more likely to be explicit pictures and videos.
Mobile phones are the main way people consume porn these days and, moreover, the internet has provided a seemingly infinite number of ways to consume content designed to arouse.
Along with the obvious websites such as Pornhub, the most common places online where porn can be found include the social media sites Reddit and Twitter, as well as the subscriber app OnlyFans (more on that below).
Male clients even tell me that they even resort to watching soft-core videos on TikTok and YouTube – where nudity isn’t allowed.
While Google search history can be hidden by going ‘incognito’ (opening up a private browser), searches on Reddit, Twitter, TikTok, and YouTube generally cannot.
Moreover, all these apps now use sophisticated software that show users content based on what they have previously viewed.
This means that, if a regular porn watcher opens up Reddit or TikTok, for example, the first thing that appears is likely to be explicit or suggestive content.
For this reason, look out for your husband turning his phone screen away from you whenever he uses it.
Or, even more telling, he jumps like a madman to intercept you if you go to pick his mobile up. If you know his password already, then be suspicious if he changes it without explanation.
HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME IN THE BATHROOM
This, to me, is by far the most common sign of a problem – men who are addicted to porn will almost always lock themselves away in the bathroom.
In a family home – especially one with children – this may be the only place of any privacy.
So it makes sense that a man attempting to hide his reliance on porn will take frequent, lengthy trips there.
This might involve running the shower for ten minutes or more but spending the majority of time sitting on the loo staring at his phone.
Keep an eye on how often your husband takes his phone with him to the bathroom. He may even bring headphones with him, too.
If he does this, gently ask him why he needs his phone. An overly defensive or aggressive response may signal trouble.
HE ASKS YOU TO TRY NEW THINGS DURING SEX... OR BRINGS HOME SEXY UNDERWEAR
Strangely, another warning sign of porn addiction I come across regularly is men buying their partner racy lingerie
Men who watch too much porn will often try to re-enact what they see on the screen in real life – which can often lead to uncomfortable situations.
It’s easy to see why this happens. For many men, porn is a fantastical escape. It allows them to imagine a sex life which is more adventurous and vigorous than it actually is.
It’s not surprising that some attempt to turn fantasy into reality.
This might involve acts which their partners find shocking, such as choking and hitting. However, the most common change in behaviour I see is a sudden desire for bl*****s.
It’s probably due to the fact that every single porn film involves oral sex. It’s depicted as a normal part of sex.
In reality, studies show that less than a third of young women say they enjoy performing oral sex, and older women are even less keen on it.
Strangely, another warning sign of porn addiction I come across regularly is men buying their partner racy lingerie.
They get so used to seeing these revealing – and uncomfortable – outfits in porn that they want to see their wives wearing them too.
YOU START NOTICING STRANGE CARD PAYMENTS ON THE JOINT ACCOUNT
Until recently, it seemed like the days of paying for porn was in the past.
Gone were the days of sleazy video rentals or pay-per-view channels, it was all online for free.
But, now paying for porn is back and it’s ruining marriages.
This is almost entirely thanks to OnlyFans, the subscriber porn app which is used by around 12 million people in the UK.
It allows customers – nine out of ten are men – to pay a monthly subscription to a single porn actor, who posts regular explicit content only available to their ‘fans’.
It’s a fascinating business, some women make more than £1million every year via OnlyFans, but it’s a massive factor in the rise of porn addiction in the UK.
According to the UK Addiction Treatment Group, OnlyFans is one of the most common triggers of porn addiction in the patients they see.
This is largely due to the phenomenon psychologists call ‘parasocial’ relationships. This is where someone builds a one-sided relationship with a social media personality online.
They adore this person, and begin to feel like they know them personally, even though this famous figure doesn’t know who they are.
It’s often seen in young women who become besotted with musicians like Taylor Swift or Harry Styles. But with OnlyFans it takes on a much darker form.
Some even argue that a married man who uses the app is cheating on his partner. I’m not sure I agree, but I don’t think it’s healthy either.
The good news is that it’s easy to spot if your partner is dim enough to use your joint account to buy an OnlyFans membership.
These usually cost around £10-a-month, and it will show up on the bill as ‘OnlyFans’.
So, if your partner suddenly decides he wants to get a new debit card, or you see him inputting his card details into his phone, but he won’t tell you why, it could be due to an OnlyFans account.
...AND WHAT TO DO IF YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER HAS A PROBLEM
Your relationship might have become strained or stale due to the malign effects of porn. You might be plodding along, not making the most of life, or each other
Spotting the signs of porn addiction isn’t a case of catching a partner out, it’s about helping them.
The good news is that a compulsion for pornography can be fixed. And it certainly doesn’t mean the end of a relationship.
In fact, although it might feel crushing to discover your partner has a problem, it can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
Your relationship might have become strained or stale. You might be plodding along, not making the most of life, or each other. This could be the wake-up call that is needed for both of you.
So, should you suspect your partner has a problem, who can you do about it?
Talk to them. Ask them if they could subconsciously be using porn as a crutch. Check if there is something he is worried about – work, finances, or the kids. A porn problem can often come as a result of stress.
Addressing the topic might come as a relief to him. Keeping a secret can make a person feel they are very alone.
But it’s important to approach it without appearing angry or judgmental.
Talk to your partner about using healthier crutches instead, like exercise. Even better, find something you can do together – get a couple’s membership at the local gym, or make time to go for long walks together.
And, if you are a man reading this who recognises you might have a porn problem that is getting out of a control, show this article to your partner.
She might be taken aback, but she will appreciate the honesty.
If you don’t feel you are able, or if you don’t have a partner, then you can talk to a counsellor confidentially. There is a list of reputable therapists on the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) website.
Couples therapy can also make a relationship better than it ever was.
Samantha Marcham is a psychotherapeutic counsellor. Her book Porn Bomb, co-written with her son Maximillian, offers advice to young people about pornography.
