The clues to ROMANCE

It is now acknowledged by most experts that a young woman is rarely at her best while lying in a turnip field, pretending to be dead. This was just one of the things bothering Rachel Cooper one Sunday morning.

‘I wish they’d hurry up,’ she complained. ‘It’s freezing here, and the ground is damp.’

‘Hush!’ said the corpse of the vicar lying next to her, whom we must introduce as a young man in his 30s called Adam Grant. ‘They’ll be here soon.’

‘Your wound has fallen off,’ said Rachel.

‘Help me put it back on, would you? If you hold it tightly enough, it’s supposed to just stick to the throat.’

Let’s leave them applying theatrical first aid for a moment and consider what might be your reaction if, strolling past a field in Suffolk and minding your own business, you spotted a clergyman on the ground while a young woman grasped him firmly around the neck.

You’d probably mutter to yourself, ‘Oh no, not