Are You Jewish?

YOU ARE walking down the street, minding your own business and feeling a little guilty about not calling your mother. Suddenly, you are surrounded. Bearded men in bad suits obstruct your path, brandishing Shabbos candles.

“Excuse me,” they say. “Are you Jewish?”

In the background, you see a Mitzvah tank, the vehicle that transports these members of the Chabad movement to the various territories where they racially profile New Yorkers. They don't bother darkskinned Jews, but they are a plague upon Italians, short brunettes, and anyone else who looks enough like them to qualify for membership in their cult.

I hate being stopped on the street by anyone selling anything. But of