The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me
By Bruce Feiler
4/5
()
About this ebook
Now a major NBC primetime drama
The uplifting story that touched the world and inspired families everywhere to rethink what matters most in their lives
As a young dad, Bruce Feiler, New York Times bestselling author and television host, received shattering news. A rare form of cancer was threatening not only his life but his family's future as well. A singular question emerged: Who would be there for his wife and daughters if he were gone?
Feiler reached out to six extraordinary men who helped shape him and asked them to be present in the lives of his daughters. The Council of Dads is the unforgettable portrait of these men, who offer wisdom, humor, and guidance on how to live, how to love, how to question, how to dream.
The source for NBC's blockbuster series, here is a singular story that offers lessons for us all—helping us draw closer to the ones we love, appreciate what's most precious, and celebrate the power of community.
Editor's Note
Heartfelt…
Author Bruce Feiler thought he was going to die after being diagnosed with cancer. He feared what life would be like for his twin daughters. So he gathered a handful of friends to become a “council of dads,” father figures to his children in his absence. This heartfelt book is now also an NBC series starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Clive Standen.
Bruce Feiler
Bruce Feiler is the author of six consecutive New York Times bestsellers, including Abraham, Where God Was Born, America's Prophet, The Council of Dads, and The Secrets of Happy Families. He is a columnist for the New York Times, a popular lecturer, and a frequent commentator on radio and television. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife and twin daughters.
Read more from Bruce Feiler
Walking the Bible: A Journey by Land Through the Five Books of Moses Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Learning to Bow: An American Teacher in a Japanese School Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Where God Was Born: A Daring Adventure Through the Bible's Greatest Stories Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Abraham: A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5America's Prophet: How the Story of Moses Shaped America Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Under the Big Top: A Season with the Circus Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dreaming Out Loud: Garth Brooks, Wynonna Judd, Wade Hayes, Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Looking for Class: Days and Nights at Oxford and Cambridge Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Generation Freedom: The Middle East Uprisings and the Remaking of the Modern World Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
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Reviews for The Council of Dads
101 ratings35 reviews
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5moving and ispiring with a lot of wisdom inside
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler's book The Council of the Dads tells the story of his illness and his search for men who could help raise his girls should he pass on. It was interesting to hear his history with the men he chose and what impact he hoped they would have on his girls. I was fascinated by the book although I have to say I was a little disappointed he didn't go into more detail about how his illness affected him and his family.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me" tells the story of a young father diagnosed with cancer and wanting to provide a Father figure substitute to his girls in case of his death as well as a chronicle of the difficulties and lessons of fighting the disease. I have a wide breadth in my attitude towards this book, which tells the stories of Feiler's fight against cancer, his invention of a council of six men to serve as surrogate dads for his daughters if he didn't survive and enough about his family to give substance to the others; a story about what he calls "The Lost Year."The book was not easy to read. This wasn't because of grammar or situations. There was points at which I simply didn't enjoy the storytelling. I kept picking the book up because what he was recounting was sincere and important enough to read through. It was at times a bit of a jerky ride. Eventually I decided to credit the author for trying to convey the jerky ride his life was during the episodes related. He is, after all, a respected writer of books about travel and making journeys. This is a travelogue of a very personal journey.I don't want to leave the impression that the book is morose. It isn't! It is filled with happy episodes of his family, his marriage and friends. The afterglow of "Council" is nostalgic, melancholy and ultimately warm and hopeful. You will reconsider your efforts at living life and the value of your friends and loved ones. It is worth the read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5What could be worse than a diagnosis of cancer with one prognosis being death? For father Bruce Feiler, the prospect of his twin daughters growing up without benefit of his "voice" in their lives is intolerable. As such, Bruce initiates a search to identify six men, his Council of Dads, who can capture and share the varied facets of his development as a dad and can be his voice should he leave his girls orphans. Feiler's book captures not only his search for these surrogate dads, it also chronicles his musings on love, life, marriage, fatherhood and facing one's fears. As a storyteller, Bruce is first-rate. As anyone familiar with his other works can attest, Feiler has a talent for infusing the mundane with humor, poignant observations and interesting trivia. He is no less adept in "The Council of Dads". Throughout his ordeal - with fighting the bone cancer, navigating the strained interpersonal relationships effected by the disease, and in indentifying exactly who will fill his council - Feiler demonstrates his ability to observe and report with sincere appreciation the people, places and things that make up his lost year of treatment. This book invoked laughter and tears; made me appreciate more my own wife, daughters and family; and fostered a resolve to be a better father and husband. Can any more be asked of any book?
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler, a young dad diagnosed with cancer when his twin girls are just two-years-old, decides that, in his place should he not be there to raise the girls, he will choose 6 men to "be his voice." These men will guide and encourage the girls and help raise them if and when they are called upon in place of their father. Who would you choose? In the face of his possible death, Feiler infuses life into his words about choosing these men and why. He picks these men specifically because of what they will teach the girls and teaches us as readers to do some of those things ourselves. He also describes the other men in his life who influenced him and turned him into the man he is. Combined with periodical updates about his "Lost Year" of treatment and recovery, this book is a very real, touching, without being saccharine, and accessible read.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This is a memoir of a dad's experience with cancer and the existential question of his impact as a father on his two young girls after his (potential). To provide for his daughters, he assembles a council of dads to be his voice after he is gone. The story was very well written and engaging throughout. It was a memoir of his experience with cancer and treatment, as well as a memory of the men who shaped his life (and whom he would want to influence his daughters).I would, and have, recommended this book to others who enjoy reading books in this genre.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Council of Dads is a vey good book if you can call a story about cancer good. The author Bruce finds out he has cancer in his leg probably a result of a childhood accident. Bruce has 2 young daughters and now he realizes one of a Fathers greatest fears, that he won't be around to watch them grow up. Being an older father myself with young children this is one of my greatest fears. I can't even imagine what he went thru trying to contemplate his diagnosis. Bruces response to his cancer and his unknown future is to form what he calls the "Council of Dads." These are men who had the greatest influence on his life and would be able to help his daughters grow up and know about their father. This is a well written story of his battle with cancer and how he formed the council of dads. As another reviewer said the book is a mix of Mitch Albom and Randy Pautch and I would agree it has the same feel. The feelings are genuine and nothing is held back and there is a mix of great quotes and other inspiring poems and stories. While my heart goes out to Bruce in the horrible battle he had with cancer my only complaint about the book is that the group of Dads seems almost to perfect, almost fictional. Anyway, it's a great inspiring book that makes you realize how short life can be and how quick your life can be turned upside down and inside out. Bruce has a great family and groups of friends that supported him in his battle and I wish him the best. If you like an inspiring story then I would recommend this book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I wasn't quite sure which moved me more? His arduous struggle with cancer or his critera and stories about the six men he wished to form his "council of dads" for his daughters. I finally decided, why choose?! His story is fraught with both laughter, smiles, and pathos. It did take a few chapters to get used to the movement between day-to-day struggles with cancer and his male friends who would form his council. But there was no mistaking the intentionality of what he wanted to do and needed to do.This was a wonderful book to help one reflect on priorities, values, and relationships.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I just finished this and I can't come up with anything to say but: Read this and heed its advice. Life is fickle and every day should be approached as a new adventure.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is Bruce Feiler's account of his illness and quest to create a support system for his girls in the event of his death. This book is a must read! Once I started I couldn't put it down! I found myself laughing and crying. This book is about living and coming to terms with the past and death. READ IT!!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Facing the possibility of your own death in a matter of months, with a wife and family left behind, is difficult to comprehend. A responsible father would want someone or some people to help fill the gap and be role models for his children. Mr. Feiler examined his acquaintences present and past to arrive at six men who he trusted would step in at the appropriate times in his children's lives. Mr. Feiler's battle with his cancer and treatments, his home life, the effect all of this had on his relationships at work and home, make for a difficult read. There are times to laugh, be angry and be sad while reading.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A touching story about a father's fight to survive and plans for his children in case he didn't. Author Bruce Fieler received devastating news that he had a rare bone cancer in his femur. With two very young daughters to raise he planned to win the battle against his illness but prepared to provide them with father figures if he had to leave. This book chronicles how he tackles chemotherapy and surgery with the help of a great support team. He includes emails and letters he wrote to update family and friends about his condition. He also dedicates chapters to a small group of men who had special meaning to him in different times of his life. Each of these six individuals represent something different, each of great importance. It's because of their significance that he chooses them to be a part of his Council of Dads. These men know him well and share his values so he knows that they will be exceptional father figures to his children. If they lose their dad they will not lose his voice.The book was so well written, the fear was offset by humor and hope. Everyone has been affected by cancer in some way so Feiler's story strikes a personal note. I was in tears on more than one page. The back stories for his father, grandfathers and other father figures were thoughtful and interesting. I liked knowing what made them special to him. As a parent myself I understood his determination to take care of his children whether he was with them or not. His words were inspirational and I'm sure his daughters will cherish this book forever. Thank you to LibraryThings Early Reviewers for an advanced copy of this book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A poignant memoir of an illness by one of my favorite authors, Bruce Feiler. At times tear-worthy, and at others quirky and funny, this short book was both uplifting and challenging. Feiler describes his Lost Year, a year of chemotherapy and surgery in a battle against cancer. The concern and love for his daughters is both the topic and the most gripping part of the text. The idea of a Council of Dads is both beautiful and tragic, a logical response to the all-too-real prospect of death. Other reviews have covered the content of the book, I have only to say that The Council of Dads is a touching and wide-ranging family epic, a worthy legacy to Feiler's daughters, as well as a testament to Feiler's own strength, creativity, and wisdom.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I had a huge swing in my attitudes towards this book, which recounts (1) Feiler's fight against a deadly cancer, (2) his creation of a "council of dads," six men, influential in his life, who could impart lessons to his girls if he didn't survive his cancer battle, and (3) other family stories.I started this book two months ago, read about 30 or 40 pages, and absolutely hated it, so I put it aside. About a month ago, I read another 30 or 40 pages and still absolutely hated it. I felt that alternating chapters with the three elements above made the book way too disjointed. The whole set-up was very distracting.Then, tonight, I thought I'd give it a third (and final) shot. I again started reading and was quickly hooked. I absolutely loved it.I still think Feiler could've spent far less time on the council parts, or, alternatively, could've woven those parts in better, but, in the end, I realized that this is quite a book. I've read quite a few "how I survived my battle with..." kinds of books and thought his updates to family and friends were the best parts of this book, along with lessons learned. (I've undergone two potentially life-threatening medical conditions myself and know that figuring out when/how to keep family and friends up to date can be difficult.)Most times, after I finish reading a book, I typically give it away or donate it. This book, however, is a KEEPER. Recommended but with a caution that it can be disjointed and slow, particularly at the beginning.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler's first hand account of his battle with cancer is very compelling. Although the subject matter makes it difficult to read at times, it is just as difficult to put down. With candor and humor, he chronicles his "lost year" as he traveled down the cancer road. He exposes his emotions and anxieties for all to read. It is also a love story as he relates how he lovingly gathered a group of men to be his substitutes for his daughters in case the worst should happen.The book also stresses the importance of support from family and friends,even if it's just a prayer or a casserole. The Council of Dads is a very good book about a difficult subject. Read it, especially if you know someone who is making this difficult journey.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I loved this book. Having 4 children of my own, I found myself in tears at several points which does not happen very often. Bruce is one of my favorite authors, so I have a bias - his Walking the Bible books have inspired me to lead a tour in Israel this fall, and a Egypt/Jordan tour in 2012.His concept of the council of Dads is so counter to culture that even if he wasn't struggling with cancer, I think he would now say that he would put one together anyways. It is an affirmation of strong friendships and the people who shape us, it is a celebration of family (warts and all) and it is a point blank look at the inevitability of death, which we all will face someday.His writing is clear, his structure works, and this book is a gift to his family and friends!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is nothing short of stunning in its honesty and beauty. Read most of it while sitting beside my husband's bed in our local cancer center, I laughed, I cried, I wanted to shout from the mountain tops "READ THIS BOOK!!!" Whether you have cancer, some other terminal illness, a high risk job, or just an average uncomplicated life I would urge you to read this book and follow the advice, build a "council" because life can change in an instant. We ALL need to address the question as Mr Feiler so beautifully does, "Who would be my voice if..."
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler's story of his experience with cancer and the effects it had on himself and his family was like taking on remodeling your bathroom - you don't know how in-depth it's going to get until you're into it. I came into this book expecting a lot of medical mumbo jumbo, and while there was a little, the stories and letters that Feiler shared took precedence over it. This book was very emotional, and it did everything from giving me chills and goosebumps to making me cry to making me laugh out loud. I'd recommend it to anyone... ANYONE. Oh, and be sure to "take a walk with a turtle"!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Two young girls whose young Dad gets a surprising and serious cancer diagnosis. Depressing, right? No, Bruce Feiler has written one of the most touching and meaningful stories I've read in a long time. Yes, he's still alive (which certainly helps considering the overall tone of the book!), but it's his courage and forthright assertion to prepare for his girls to know him should he *not* survive which leads one to seriously think and ponder about life, friends, family, love and legacy.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5You've just been told that you have cancer. You have a set of three year old twins. You can't be sure that you will survive to see them grow up. How will they remember you? What do you do to make sure that they are taken care of and that they do remember you as you are. Bruce Feiler had this dilemma. He decided to ask six men who had meaning for him, who were good friends, to be there in case something did happen to him. They would be there to offer help, guidance, fun, whatever the girls needed that Bruce would have given, if necessary.How many of us have wished that there had been someone to do this for us if we had lost someone before we had really gotten to know them - or to be there just to remind us of what that person was.Whether the "Council of Dads" will ever have to convene is in the future, but isn't it a wonderful idea?
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A story rich in friendship of a husband and father who is diagnosed with a deadly form of cancer. Afraid he won't live to help his daughter's through the various times in life they would have turned to him, he asks 6 men to help raise them. Each friend was chosen for what their friendship brought to Feiler, whether it be honesty, the spirit of adventure or the ability to give good advice. The 6 of them each knew a different side of Feiler and would be able to share that with his girls as they grew. A book that makes you reconsider your friendships and want to strengthen them.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When my son was young, what would I have done to prepare him for my possible death? I hope I would have been as wise as Bruce Feiler, who tried his best to shelter his daughters from the knowledge that he might die sooner than desired.This memoir carries us through the "lost year" of treatment and surgery and physical therapy in an incredibly forthright manner...never giving in to the fear completely, yet without false sunshine that "all would surely be well." Whether this book would be helpful to anyone, or any family member of someone, going through the scourge of cancer, I do not know. But I know it taught me in hindsight how to better parent my child. Well, it is too late for him! But perhaps I will be a wiser grandparent one day because of reading it.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When "Walking the Bible" author Bruce Feiler was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, he wondered what would happen to his twin girls if he died. At only 3-years-old, would they remember him? How could he make sure that they continued to hear his voice? Get his perspective when he was gone. An idea was born. He would talk to 6 men from his life, all of whom represented different aspects of his personality, and form a Council of Dads. When the girls wondered how he would feel or what he would say at a given moment, these men would be there, to be his voice.This book is a combination of letters and emails written to friends and family during his "lost year" as he calls it, and a look back at why he chose each of the 6 men in the council. He gives us glimpses into his own family, the events that made him who he is. He also lets us sit with him in each meeting as he asked his friends to join his Council. Heartbreaking and uplifting, in the end this book is about love and the lengths we will go through to be remembered.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5In case you missed the article in People, this is about a man who learns that he has cancer and worries that, if he dies, his twin three-year-old daughters will have a huge void. To combat that, he comes up with the idea of a council of dads. He picks six men who all personify an aspect of Bruce's personality so that, through these men, Eden and Tybee can get to know their father. The story is told through stories, lessons and emails and is a very quick read. I wasn't sure how well I would do with reading this since my dad died of cancer when I was 17. It helped that I met him at BEA, so obviously--spoiler--he didn't die. I mostly made out okay, except for the letter at the end to his daughters. I pretty much cried the whole way though that.Recommended, but be prepared to cry.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I highly recommend this book. I'm giving it to my sister, since I think she'll really enjoy it, too. The idea of getting a group of people together to represent you as your daughters grow up is so touching. The way the story is told really makes you connect with the character and pull for him throughout the book.This book is a very fast read, since it's well written and interesting. If you like true stories with families handling illness, this is a great choice.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler found out he had cancer. He feared for his life, but he feared the thought that his daughters would grow up without really knowing who he was as a person. So, he enlisted the help of men who knew him during key points in his life and he charged them with the task of teaching his daughters who he was, if he were to die. He called these men his, [Council of Dads]. We learn about Bruce and these men through his lost year and although a very personal story, there are many lessons to be learned for all of us. My mom passed away with breast cancer in 2008 and she was a stoic patient. Not wanting to burden anyone with details or the truth in how she was feeling. This makes me so sad that she didn't share these things with my family. We were there. And the not knowing was painful. I applaud Bruce for being a talker and a planner. He tackled his condition head on just in case the outcome wasn't one of survival. He was prepared and he was determined to prepare his family. Very much like [The Last Lecture] only Bruce is alive!, I took away courage, strength and love from reading his story. And just for you Bruce, I'm going to take a walk.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Bruce Feiler's "The Council of Dads" is a guided tour through the authors year-long battle with cancer, and his idea to leave a legacy for his two children. His idea was to form a Council of Dads, a group of his closest friends who represented parts of him, and who could be called upon to help his daughters remember their father, and "Help be their Dad." The book alternates between letters Feiler sent to family and friends detailing the progression of his medical and family situation, and descriptions of the six men who would form the Council of Dads. Feiler says, "Cancer, I have found, is a passport to intimacy," and the book closely follows his own intimate relationships with his daughters, his wife, and his closest friends. The book beckons the reader to step into his small trusted circle, and experience Feiler's emotions throughout his struggle. While providing an honest, warm-hearted, and love-filled story, the book doesn't leap into any newfound territory, nor does it differ greatly from the numerous other cancer-survival stories on shelves everywhere. Overall, "The Council of Dads" is a good quick read for those who wish to see the intimacy that can originate in tragedy, and possibly gain insight into their own friendships.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Imagine being diagnosed with cancer & having 2 young children to raise? Bruce Feiler does, and this is his sad & loving journey into making sure his daughters would have abit of their Father in their lives through the men who knew him. I hope those people never have to step in for him, but he did a wonderful thing in gathering these men to be there for his wife & daughters if he goes
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Council of Dads is a moving, powerful tale of Fatherhood and mortality. Bruce Feiler shares openly and honestly about how a health scare in his life causes him to reflect on the men who shaped him and how he desired them to play a role in his daughters' lives. As a new father (7 month old), this book was especially poignant. I of course wondered if I could create my own council of dads to speak wisdom into my daughter's life in case I couldn't. This was a honest story of relationships, connections, and the power of family - in all it's forms.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bruce Feiler has written a wonderful book about facing mortality and the prospect of leaving his family behind after being diagnosed with cancer. I thought this book was well written, easy to read and authentic. It was a refreshing perspective by the author to revisit old friendships and ask for help from those friends in keeping his memory alive for his girls if he should die. It amazes me that Mr Feiler could actually have the clarity to offer this gift to his family as he dealt with such a difficult diagnosis. I would highly recommend this book!!
Book preview
The Council of Dads - Bruce Feiler
1
The Orange Sting-Ray
THE BIKE WAS BRIGHT ORANGE. It was a Schwinn Sting-Ray with a swooping banana seat, a miniature front wheel, and handlebars called ape-hangers
because the grips rose so high they made the rider look like an orangutan. Modeled after hot rod motorcycles, the Sting-Ray was the most popular bike in America in the spring of 1970. My parents had given me one for my fifth birthday a few months earlier, and it was my most prized possession.
One day it almost cost me my life.
My family had recently moved to the south side of Savannah, Georgia, into a neighborhood where all the streets were named after Confederate generals—Johnston, McLaws, Early, Stuart. The idea that a century after the Civil War, socially conscious Savannahians would flock to a subdivision that memorialized the Lost Cause was a mark of how proud many Southerners still were at the tail end of the civil rights movement. We lived at 330 Lee Boulevard in a contemporary stucco ranch house built by my parents.
Late one afternoon I was exploring the neighborhood with my friend Scotty Sutlive when we came upon Pickett Circle, a small, magnolia-lined appendage off nearby Johnston Street that none of the other streets seemed to have. A secret discovery! We must return for more reconnaissance!
Racing home along the shoulder of Habersham Street, a heavily trafficked, two-lane thoroughfare that bisected our neighborhood, I had a brilliant thought. Why waste precious seconds turning around in Lee Boulevard? I could make a hasty 180 on Habersham and be back at Pickett Circle in no time. As Scotty lamely pedaled into Lee Boulevard (Hah! You’ll never be a spy!), I deftly veered my bike into Habersham and was promptly—screech!—smashed by an oncoming sedan.
Wham.
My mangled Sting-Ray flew in one direction. My lacerated body in another. For a second I just lay in the road, my body stretched across the yellow line, feeling the warm pavement underneath my head. The owner of the house on the corner, Polly Meddin, suddenly appeared from her garage and came sprinting to my side. Her shadow crossed my face. Andy! Andy!
she cried, using my older brother’s name. Are you okay?
I’m Bruce,
I replied, and promptly passed out.
* * *
I WOKE UP THE next morning in the hospital, unable to move. A plaster body cast stretched from my chest to my left toes, then down the opposite leg to my right knee. A steel bar ran from my right knee to my left foot. I had broken my left femur, the largest bone in my body. For the next two months I would lie flat on my back.
Back at home, my parents set me up in my bedroom, with a large folding table nearby, where I could pile all the toys I was getting. On top was a replica of the Apollo 11 command module that had splashed into the Pacific a year earlier. My mother, a junior high school art teacher, wanted to paint my cast, but I wouldn’t let her until the day before it was scheduled to come off. We held our Passover seder in my room that year, and when the time came to hide the afikomen matzah—the highlight for young children, who receive a prize for discovering it—my father asked me to close my eyes and lift my head. He hid the treasure underneath my pillow.
For the next thirty-eight years, my broken left femur was the only medically interesting thing that ever happened to me. When I would visit a new doctor, I had only a few words to pencil in as I raced through page after page of ailments on the medical history forms. The truth was, I no longer thought about my broken leg. The only time it affected me was when I tried on shoes, since my recovery corresponded with a growth spurt, leaving my left foot a half-size larger than my right. But overall I was healthy. I looked younger than my age. I almost never saw a doctor.
And, on top of it all, I made a living by walking. For more than two decades I traveled the world and wrote about my experiences walking in other people’s shoes. I taught junior high school in rural Japan; I earned a graduate degree in England; I performed as a clown under a traveling American big top; I crisscrossed the United States with Garth Brooks and other Nashville stars. And for the last ten years I had retraced the Bible through the war zones of the Middle East—climbing Mount Ararat in Turkey, crossing the Red Sea in Egypt, spelunking in caves in Jerusalem, airlifting into Baghdad, trekking across Iran.
Walking the Bible became a bestseller; the television series of the same name was seen around the world. I was the walking
guy. The tag had become so indelible—and so aligned with my desire to be an experientialist—that on the last Thursday in June, thirty-eight years after my accident, I had dinner with my publisher and proposed an idea: I would spend the next ten years retracing the journeys of American history. I would follow its paths.
I would walk America.
We toasted the idea. I went home to bed. But the next morning, unbeknownst to anyone other than my wife, I went to the nuclear medicine department at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Manhattan’s Upper East Side to get what’s known as a full-body bone scan. I had been directed to do this by a doctor I barely knew. A year earlier, our beloved family physician announced she was leaving our insurance plan, and I arranged for a farewell physical. All clear. For ten months I didn’t see a doctor, which was normal for me. Finally, in May, I got around to finding a new internist, who ordered some routine blood work in our introductory meeting.
The next day she called. My alkaline phosphatase number was a little high, she said. 235. I didn’t know what to think of this, because I had never heard the term. Alk phos, the doctor explained, is an enzyme in the blood that flags issues related to the liver or bones. She speculated that my level was probably high naturally, but she wondered if I’d had it tested before. A quick call to my previous physician revealed that I had, and that my alk phos number the previous July had been 90, perfectly normal. Hmmm,
my new doctor said. That’s surprising. Why don’t we test it again? It’s probably just a lab error.
It wasn’t. The subsequent test produced a similar elevated number, and an additional exam ruled out any problems in my liver. That left my bones. She didn’t think I had Paget’s disease, an ailment common in older people whose bones and/or joints are beginning to deteriorate. On what sounded like a whim, she suggested I get a full-body bone scan. Again, just to be sure,
she said. I’m sure it’s nothing.
The Department of Nuclear Medicine is located on the second floor of New York Hospital. I was ushered into a crowded hallway and seated in front of a rolling table. A nurse stuck a needle into a vein in the back of my hand and injected what seemed like a Three Mile Island amount of radioactive tracers directly into my bloodstream. The sensation was chilling; I tasted a metallic backwash in my mouth. I was sent away for three hours and told to drink a lot and pee often.
After lunch I was led into a large room filled with what looked like a giant, robotic daddy longlegs. Stripped of anything metallic, I was strapped to a narrow bench and wrapped in a blanket while the snout of the machine, a huge metal plate, was lowered to an inch and a half above my nose. A bone scan is basically the opposite of an X-ray. An X-ray projects radiation into your body and uses it to create an image; a bone scan draws out the radiation that has been injected into your body and uses it to create the image. An X-ray takes less than a second; a bone scan lasts longer than an hour.
I was about thirty-five minutes into my scan, with the machine over my legs, when the technician suddenly popped out of his cockpit. Did you have an accident involving your left leg recently?
he asked. I gulped. I broke that femur when I was five,
I said, hopeful. He nodded, disappeared into the hall, and for the next twenty minutes proceeded to talk very animatedly with the other technicians, just outside the door, all within plain sight. Two technicians then rescanned my leg from several angles but refused to answer my increasingly anxious entreaties about what they might have seen. You have to talk with the doctors tomorrow,
they said.
Tomorrow was Saturday, and there was no doctor to talk to me. By the time Monday rolled around—two centuries later—I could barely function, but again my doctor seemed unconcerned. It’s not like you have cancer,
she said. But still,
she continued, I’ve never seen anything like this. I think you should get an X-ray.
On Tuesday, after she examined the X-ray, her tone had shifted. You have an abnormal growth in your leg,
she declared.
You mean a tumor?
All abnormal growths are tumors,
she said. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
But she ordered an MRI, and this time I didn’t wait around for the official reading. I couriered the films a few blocks away to a family friend, Beth, who’s an orthopedist. I paced York Avenue. Beth called just as the late-afternoon sun was shimmering off the surface of the East River. I’ve looked at your scans,
she said. I insisted the top radiologist in the hospital do the same. And we both agree.
Here she paused to choose the right language. The growth in your leg is not consistent with a benign tumor.
I stopped walking. For a second I waited for the double negative to convert itself into a single, much more devastating negative. Not consistent with a benign tumor could mean only one thing. She waited for me to complete the thought.
I have cancer.
Then Beth was talking, and I was no longer listening. I needed to come to her office to get crutches. I needed to see this special surgeon she knew. I needed to call my wife.
I couldn’t move. I sat down on a stoop. It was just like that moment, nearly four decades earlier, when I lay on the warm pavement of Habersham Street, knowing I had just been hit by the hardest force I could imagine, but not knowing what was going to happen next. And to think the tumor was in the same leg, the same bone, the same spot in my body. It couldn’t be a coincidence. One thing, however, I already knew. I had spent my life dreaming, traveling, and walking.
Now I might never walk again.
2
The Council of Dads
As you know, I have learned that I have a seven-inch cancerous tumor in my left femur. The afternoon I first heard the diagnosis I was standing on York Avenue in Manhattan. I sat on a stoop, telephoned Linda, called my parents, and wept. I went to get some crutches, stumbled home, lay down on my bed, and stared at the sky for several hours imagining all the ways my life would change.
Then Eden and Tybee came in, running and giggling and looking in the mirror. They began to do this dance they made up when they turned three a few months ago. Mixing ring-around-the-rosy, ballet, and the hokey pokey, they twirled frantically in a circle, going faster and faster until they tumbled onto the ground, laughing with all the glee in the world. As I watched them, I couldn’t control myself. I crumbled. I kept imagining all the walks I might not take with them, the ballet recitals I might not see, the art projects I might not mess up, the boyfriends I might not scowl at, the aisles I might not walk down.
The next few days were a tangle of tears and late-night conversations, doctor consultations, insurance negotiations, determination, hopes, and fears. I quickly determined I was looking at one of three options: the lost year, the lost limb, or the lost life.
Through it all, I kept thinking I would be fine. Whatever happens, I have lived a full life. I have traveled the world. I have written ten books. I am at peace.
I also thought Linda would be fine. She would experience a lot of pain and inconvenience, but in the end she would find a way to live a life of passion and joy.
But I kept coming back to Eden and Tybee and how difficult life might be for them. Would they wonder who I was? Would they wonder what I thought? Would they yearn for my approval, my discipline, my love?
My voice.
A few days later, I woke up suddenly before dawn and thought of a way I might help re-create my voice for them. I started making a list of six men—from all parts of my life, beginning with when I was a child and stretching through today. These are the men who know me best. The men who share my values. The men who helped shape and guide me. The men who traveled with me, studied with me, have been through pain and happiness with me.
Men who know my voice.
That morning I began composing this letter.
I believe my daughters will have plenty of resources in their lives. They’ll have loving families. They’ll have welcoming homes. They’ll have each other. But they may not have me. They may not have their dad.
Will you help be their dad?
Will you listen in on them? Will you answer their questions? Will you take them out to lunch every now and then? Will you go to a soccer game if you’re in town? Will you watch their ballet moves for the umpteenth time? When they get older, will you indulge them in a new pair of shoes? Or buy them a new cell phone, or some other gadget I can’t even imagine right now? Will you give them advice? Will you be tough as I would be? Will you help them out in a crisis? And as time passes, will you invite them to a family gathering on occasion? Will you introduce them to somebody who might help one of their dreams come true? Will you tell them what I would be thinking? Will you tell them how proud I would be?
Will you be my voice?
And as I lay on my bed that morning, hoping I didn’t wake Linda as I shook with tears, I said to myself that I would call this group of men The Council of Dads.
The Council of Dads. Six men. All very busy and burdened with their own challenges, but together, collectively, they might help father my potentially fatherless daughters.
Naturally I hope that I will fully recover from my illness and that we will all be able to enjoy many family occasions together in the future. But I would like my Council to continue no matter the outcome. I would like my daughters to know the world through all of you. I would like Tybee and Eden to know me through this group.
I would like them to know themselves through their Council of Dads.
I understand this request might come as something of a burden. It is not intended to be an overwhelming commitment of time, resources, or emotion. A few words, a few gestures, an open door, a welcome embrace every now and then will ensure that your presence will be a constant guide in the girls’ lives.
Your voice will merge with mine.
Even though it has been painful to write—and to contemplate—this unexpected idea at this moment in our lives has brought great strength and comfort to Linda and me. We are pleased to know that our girls will learn from you some of the valuable lessons you have taught me over the years. We are thrilled that we all have an excuse to keep more closely in touch in the seasons to come. And we are honored to add your fatherly counsel into the heart of our family.
And above all, we know that this assembly of surrogate dads can, if needed, be me.
3
Twenty Fingers and Twenty Toes
LIKE MANY YOUNG COUPLES, WE talked about having children. We dreamed.