BAD BOOK by K.S. Brooks, Stephen Hise & JD Mader

BAD BOOK

by

K. S. Brooks

Stephen Hise

JD Mader

BAD BOOK

©  2012 copyright K. S. Brooks, Stephen Hise and JD Mader

Smashwords Edition, July 15, 2012

© Cover Font – Bullet in Your Head by David Kerkhoff

Publishers Note: This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of the book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Author or Publisher, excepting brief quotes to be used in reviews.

WARNING: Making copies or distributing this file, either on disk, CD, or over the Internet is a Federal Offense under the U.S. Copyright Act, and a violation of several International Trade Agreements

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DISCLAIMER: Bad Book meets or exceeds the recommended daily allowance of vowels and consonants, and is safe and effective when used as directed. Use of Bad Book in any manner inconsistent with its intended purpose nullifies its warranty, which is neither expressed nor implied. Bad Book should not be read while asleep, near open flame, or when operating heavy machinery. Do not rub Bad Book directly on any area of exposed skin. Bad Book has not been approved for underwater reading, nor is it intended to be read in temperatures exceeding 140°F or below -40°F. If you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, congratulations.

Acknowledgements

A Special Thanks to Stephanie Brooks for her edits.

The authors of Bad Book would like to express appreciation to the following pre-release reviewers for sharing their thoughts and providing assistance with technical details. However, representations to the contrary, there will be no money. Please stop calling.

Laurie Boris

Yvonne Hertzberger

Lois Lewandowski

Cathy Speight

Chapter 1

Vampire Apocalypse

Vampire apocalypse had begun with a sudden fury no one had anticipated. I was now bitterly resenting all the time and effort I had put into preparing for a zombie apocalypse. Zombie apocalypse – what was I thinking? Nothing I had already stocked up on was going to do me any good now.

As far as I knew, I was the last human on Earth. They always save the best for last. My name’s Case. Just Case, that’s all. No first name. I am the kind of man women want and men want to be. All of that would go to waste if I couldn’t find some way to turn the tide on these vampires – that would have to be the first order of business. Hopefully, if I was still alive, that meant others might have survived as well, but locating the playboy mansion and repopulating the Earth with the grateful cooperation of supermodels would have to wait.

I had to lay in supplies, so I headed to the darkened garage and after a couple of tries, I started up the old Dodge Neon. I backed over a vampire dog and a vampire chipmunk, but kept right on driving into the blackness.

Opportunities sometimes come at the most inopportune times, and it occurred to me as I was spluttering along toward the Home Depot that I didn’t have to drive the old Dodge any more. I wheeled right into a car lot and started eye-balling some of the more primo wheels. A vampire-slayer needs some style.

I broke out the glass to the showroom and made my way back to the manager’s office where I found all the keys hanging real pretty right there on a rack. My flashlight batteries were running low, but I could still pick out the keys to the Jag. Bingo, baby!

I palmed the keys and headed to the showroom, opened the car door and sat down on pure leather luxury. Just when I fired that baby up and slammed the door, a vampire car salesman popped up in the window, clawing and hissing something about making me a great deal with nothing down and low payments – on approved credit – of course.

I hate that on approved credit bullshit. That’s how they get you. I threw the Jag into gear and tore out of the showroom, through the parking lot, and burned rubber out onto Main, leaving old Count Save-a-lot to eat exhaust.

I drove down the deserted city streets, in awe of the devastation: broken-out storefront windows, small fires burning in trash cans, and on a billboard, someone had spray-painted a moustache on the Michelin Man. Oh, the inhumanity. I made a series of brilliant strategic stops, picking up vampire-killing paraphernalia. Unfortunately, my depth of knowledge was a little weak in this area. I grabbed a crossbow and plenty of bolts for dispatching vampires, some holy water, garlic, and a big-ass samurai sword. I had seen that in parts of some movies I had watched. You might sit there and watch movies, but after the lights go down, I generally get busy buttering some hot chick’s popcorn.

I had also stopped at another store and grabbed a life-size inflatable party doll. I picked the blonde in the painted-on bikini. I figured she’d be multi-purpose. She could serve as a decoy, giving me one extra split second to react to a vampire attack. I also bought her for the same reason any guy does – so I could use the carpool lane.

I hadn’t seen a vampire for a while now, and I was getting suspicious they had something big planned. That suited me just fine because now I was ready for them. Also, I tend to get bored when nothing is going on. I needed something to happen. I’m a man of action.

Just then, for reasons I couldn’t possibly explain, Blow-up Barbie fell over into my lap. As incredible as it seems, I had forgotten to zip my pants after my last pit stop and quite a scene ensued. I momentarily lost my concentration on the road ahead. That’s when I felt the thump, and not the good kind.

I hit the brakes and brought the car to a stop. I made sure the doors were locked. I gave myself an imaginary pat on the back for not giving in and going for the convertible. A hard top made way more sense when dealing with undead type creatures. I was also glad that the airbag hadn’t engaged, especially since one was already deployed in my lap.

I listened for a moment. The distant screams of people being devoured echoed through the night, so I turned down Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller.’ Now I could better focus on the sounds outside of the car. I was a little nervous because I couldn’t hear the engine idling, but there weren’t any idiot lights glowing on the dashboard, so I figured I was okay. Just as I was about to put my foot back down on the accelerator, a face popped up against my driver side window. It was close, too close, and pasty pale, covered in sweat...wearing black-rimmed nerd glasses complete with the white tape at the bridge of the nose. Did vampires have bad eyesight?

We both screamed in shock. Well, he screamed. I just let out a manly shriek. Screaming would be lame. That’s so not me.

I expected nerd boy to bare his fangs at me and hiss that he wanted to suck my blood. The fact that he didn’t struck me as odd.

Yo, nerd boy, show me your teeth, I instructed through the tightly closed window.

Huh? Show you my teeth? What, are you a dentist?

Yeah. And make it snappy. I don’t have all night.

Nerd boy flared his gums. His teeth were big, but not pointy. They were flat all the way across. I nodded with expertise.

Please, please let me in, before they see me out here.

I could use someone to keep watch while I sleep later. This could work out. I took pity on the poor slob. Okay nerd boy, get in the passenger side.

As he scrambled around the front of the vehicle, falling down only a couple of times, I tossed Rhonda Roundmouth into the back seat.

All right, what’s your name? I asked as he got in next to me.

Uh…uh…Norman.

Of course. It had to be a name like Norman. A big old, wet blanket of a boner-killing, give me a wedgie and throw my torn underwear into the girls’ locker room name. Pitiful. On top of everything, he was wearing a pair of high-water brown corduroy pants with a golf shirt - tucked in.

My name’s Case. You can call me Case. I nodded towards Suzie Swallows in the back seat and introduced Norman. He blushed and giggled. I shifted into drive and took off.

As happy as I had been to find out I wasn’t the last human on Earth, I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of Norman as my sidekick. If I was going to imagine another not-vampire-type person with me, I’d imagine some hot babe with a generous C-cup and a killer ass. That’s who’d be sitting next to me, not nerd boy here.

We each had questions. How’d we each manage to escape the vampire virus? Where had he been hiding? Had he seen others like us? Had he killed any of these things?

Where were you when you realized that the world had…well, changed, I asked.

It was back in band camp, I guess. I always knew I was different than the other kids…

Focus, Norm. I mean the vampire apocalypse.

Oh. I was having dinner with my mom.

"Figures. Did she turn?

Yeah, I stabbed her in the heart with a stake.

Damn. That put him one up on me already. Though I felt some small resentment, I felt it incumbent on me as his leader to offer some words of encouragement. Just the one, eh? Well, that’s still one less vampire. Good job, Van Helsing.

No, it didn’t go in far enough. It just kind of got her a little bloody and really pissed off. I ran.

Didn’t go in far enough? Probably not the first time you’ve had that happen, eh?

Um, I uh…What?

Heh. So he wasn’t ahead of me then. Somehow, that made everything just a little bit better.

I transfixed him with a steely stare. Look, Normie-poo, we are not going to be able to show any mercy. Everybody you ever knew is probably a vampire by now, so you have to toughen up. Your momma, daddy and baby sister are all fair game, and the game is kill or be killed. Got it?

His eyes watered up behind his coke-bottle glasses and he stuttered out, H-have you killed many?

Sure, kid. Hundreds by now. Okay, it wasn’t true – or not yet, anyway. But I needed the kid to have some confidence in my command, so I took a bit of creative license. I decided to tell him a fake vampire-killing story. Why, there was one chick with knockers as big as your head, Norman…

Look out! he cried and pointed at a gorgeous woman in a very short sundress running down the middle of the road – straight at us. I brought the car to a screeching halt. Her hands connected with the sleek hood of my silver shaguar. It was a babe magnet after all. But I had to make sure this dame wasn’t a blood-sucking monster. I’d have to put her through the test.

She scurried around to my side of the car and banged on the window with her fists. Please, please, I beg you, let me in! Her green eyes were wide with fear and she looked left, then right, her brown curls billowing in the breeze.

Show me your teeth, I demanded, staring at her heaving breasts.

My teeth?

That’s right, I nodded.

She brushed her dark hair back, then pushed her upper lip aside with her thumbs. No crazy canines...hmmm. And that was pretty easy. I glanced at her sundress and got an idea. Quick, give me your bra.

I’m not wearing a bra.

Get in.

I motioned for Normie to move into the backseat with Debbie Do-me. New hotness scrambled around and slid into the passenger seat beside me. She eyed Norman and his inflatable companion, and gave me a look. I rolled my eyes and shrugged. I exchanged knowing glances with her breasts, then we pulled out and proceeded along our way.

What’s your name, baby?

Elizabeth.

That’s Norman and his wife, Fellatia, in the back seat. My name’s Case. But you can call me Case.

Um....okay. She looked back at Norman and then at me. How...why...why aren’t we, like....them?

We haven’t figured that out yet.

I took a minute to take stock. Not so long ago, I was living my awesome life – the dandruff of heaven falling on me. Eating well, and mostly free food that people left on their plates at restaurants to boot. Then suddenly the world turned vamp, and not the good, sexy kind. Next thing I knew I’d acquired a sidekick with more dork per cell than a math club. And now, I had a sexy chick, yes! But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t abandon Norman. I couldn’t hit on a scared, desperate woman. Well, actually, that’s usually the way I do it. But not this scared.

All right, Lizzy, Norman. We need to settle down and figure some things out. I locked the brakes on the Jag. Let’s compare notes. I don’t have any because I have a pornographic memory.

You mean photographic, Elizabeth said.

I’m not saying pictures don’t help, but that’s irrelevant right now. Norman, I’m guessing that with that total dork package came some brains. So, let me have it. Theories, ideas, thoughts, observations…whaddaya got?

Norman blinked. Look…uh, Case and Elizabeth…I don’t know what the hell is going on. But there are three of us. Stands to reason there are more. Why don’t we try to find them?

I’d heard enough. Quiet, everyone. Except me, of course. Here’s what we do. Forget finding others like us for now. Let’s try to figure out how this all started. That means we need to find the source. We need to find blood-sucking, disgusting, soulless creatures intent on nothing except feeding on the weakness of others, right?

Well, yeah…

I whipped the car around. Then Hollywood, here we come.

I was tired. Being the leader of the group was quite exhausting. Norman was asleep in the back, drooling on my Naughty Nannette. Bouncy Beth stared out the passenger window, her legs clamped together tighter than a bull’s ass at fly time. She was probably checking me out with her peripheral vision. I could tell she wanted me by the way she was pretending to ignore me.

None of it made any sense. Why us three? Why weren’t we turned into vampires? We had to have something in common, although, I couldn’t possibly see what it was...unless, it was just the obvious link – that all three of us wanted me. Because I am a smoldering hot piece of male property. But they didn’t know me before this all went down. So what was it?

One thing I hadn’t considered when appropriating my Jaguar – was that the gas mileage for this powerful purring engine was going to keep me stopping at gas stations to refuel. The little fuel pump idiot light was glowing on the dashboard. This could be a problem. Maybe the gas would be free, or maybe it wouldn’t pump. Maybe each time we stopped, we’d be risking our lives. But our answers were waiting in Hollywood. It was a risk we’d have to take.

I navigated the sleek machine so it lined up perfectly at the pump. The