Until the End of Time
By Stan Rogers
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About this ebook
I like to examine the dark side of life through my writing. Whether it is through my novels or my poetry I find I prefer the walk along the dark side of the road over the heart lifting sunnier side. This Anthology is a walk along that road although it does include lighter moments and the occasional funny aside. Apart from the poetry in this Anthology you will also find views of life and in particular my antipathy towards organised religion alongside a couple of very short children's stories. So please read my Anthology. It will make you smile I hope as well as make you cry. . I always point out that it is not a science fiction novel as such. There are no time machines, aliens or spaceships in it but it is rather a bitter sweet love story again examining the darker side of love and life.
Stan Rogers
Hi. I am a 64 year old author who splits his life between Suffolk UK and Dublin, Ohio, USA. I am married with 3 grown up kids. I have 2 grandsons and three granddaughters. I love reading including Thomas Hardy, Jack Kerouac,David Baldacci and Stephen Hawking.
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Until the End of Time - Stan Rogers
UNTIL THE END OF TIME
Stan Rogers. Ohio. June 2010.
We could live for one hundred years. But all that matters in life is what we take today. Life doesn't wait. Only death is in the future.
Copyright 2010 by StanMRogers
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PREAMBLE
This is an anthology of thought. My poetry and my writing are my thoughts. It is not just a collection of poetry but also some of my views and opinions on life. It mostly covers the last few years but it also includes a few items from the long ago past of the 1970s and 1980s. I am a writer. I suppose I always have been since the first time I discovered writing at school back in the late 1960s but unfortunately none of those works remain and are barely remembered now by me although I do have vague recollections of a piece I wrote about pheasants in Autumn fields strutting about with their harems. It was read out in front of my English class and maybe was the start of my writing enjoyment. You may find that you like some of my verse, you may agree with some of my opinions even and if you do then fine. Alternatively you might hate my poetry, you may disagree strongly with all I say and more power to you in that case. Write and let me know.
A little about me. I was born Stanley Matthew Rogers in 1953 in Hackney, North London. I am a single child having no brothers or sisters. I also have no cousins. This I believe has led to much of the introspective nature of my work. I spent most of my formative years in Bishops Stortford in Hertfordshire, England and I was educated at Newport Grammar School in Essex, a wonderful school that first started life in 1588, the year of the Spanish Armada.
I married my first wife Ruth in 1982 but that was not to be and I married my second wife Lorraine in 1988. Both of them went on to become the basis for characters in my first novel, Love Sex and Time Travel. Lorraine and I had three children but unfortunately that wasn’t to be either and we separated by mutual consent in April 2008 after 20 years together. Most of the content of this anthology has occurred since or shortly before that separation and I will go much deeper into reasons and thoughts of the events of these past two crazy years.
I am starting with a poem I wrote in November 1980. At the time I was using drugs. It isn't something I am proud of but I was at least starting to realize the damage they were causing me both physically and psychologically. I did wean myself off of them in the next year or so but this does tell the story of the profound effect of amphetamines on me at that time.
BLUES COMEDOWN
Midday Saturday 15th November 1980
I’m trying to sleep, I want to but can’t
I’m grinding my teeth and my head feels aslant
I just want to sink into a warm black hole
Got blues comedown again, killing my soul
Up all night again, did lots of those pills
Speeding and boozing, a night full of thrills
It adds up to losing and that’s what I’m doing
Feels so great when I’m up there, flying so high
Everything’s right but it’s only that way
Till the end of the night, the beginning of day
This morning’s cold dawn really brought me down
Couldn’t get off again, from my blues come down
I’m trying to rest, please get me out of this rut
My eyes won’t stay open but I can’t keep them shut
I know that my brains only firing on three
It’s all out of time; it’s not part of me
I wish I could sleep, just keep moving around
Tossing and turning with blues comedown
I say to myself No never again but tonight’s a new night
And I’ll speed just the same
And enjoy it because it’s all part of the game
I’ll feel like a king and just boogie around
But then comes tomorrow
And the same blues comedown.
This is another relic from my early days of writing. It was written again in 1980 after the breakdown of a relationship that I was in at that time.
MY MIND CRACKS
My mind cracks slowly
Opening up...Peeling
Layer by bitter onionskin layer, always in the same painful space
Watching my plants grow
What? Another shoot?
Never! Another leaf?
Why am I just me?
Why am I not we?
I so wanted to be, but even now I’m not all me
Why can’t you all see...I want to be we
Then my plants can get on with growing
Without my company
See my pitiful feelings....Feel my tragic pain
I know......You’ve seen it all before
But it rears its head again
Not needlessly....Maybe unnecessarily.
And yet curiouser and curiouser than all
Emptiness hurts....It shouldn’t
But how can nothing hurt so bitingly. So cruelly.
Can an empty heart punish itself?
Can my chastisement chastise itself?
Questions I can’t answer. Perhaps I don’t want an answer
Maybe I am not ready for that answer
And there may not even be one...An answerless question.
I just cannot understand anything anymore
And may my epitaph read
Was he insane? Or was everybody else?
The only sane person in his own mind.
Who knows? Who cares?
Except for the plants.
Quietly growing away.
And onto more recent times. I started writing a novel in October 2007 which I completed and published in March 2008. I called it Love Sex and Time Travel. It was a semi-autobiographical story bringing together a semi fictional 1981 and a wholly fictional 2007. It was to be the start of my present life story. Just writing that novel shaped my life from then till the present day in many ways and although I had no novel writing experience I am proud of that book. This poem was written for one of the chapters but you will have to read Love Sex and Time Travel to understand the context.
I AM DESTRUCTION.
I am Death. As I lay my hands upon life it withers.
I am Completion. All I start is finished.
I am Finality. The end is in everything that my cruel fingers touch.
I am Armageddon. The final reckoning for all that is love.
I am Execution. In all young things I see their demise.
I am Destruction. I can turn love to hate.
Feel the end in this in my cold dry kiss.
One of my favourite pieces was written in the Spring/Summer of 2008. It is a never ending poem and has suffered from many updates as time has passed. It is about my never ending search for The One.
. That one person that lights my soul. That one person that I want to spend all of my remaining years with. This is the first version. It was also inspired a little by Jack Kerouac’s On the Road which I was reading at that time. There are many references, some obscure, in it referring to the people or more precisely the women that have influenced my life.
MUNDANITY.
Rescue me from mundanity my lover
You have always been on my