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    Dont Let Me Cry
    Dont Let Me Cry
    Dont Let Me Cry
    Ebook113 pages1 hour

    Dont Let Me Cry

    By Tina Jenkinson

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    About this ebook

    At Christmas 2009, Tina Jenkinson’s mother lost her fight with Multiple Sclerosis. Just a couple of months later came the first hint that Tina was facing her own deadly illness – breast cancer. Don’t Let Me Cry is her account of the agonising days, weeks and months that followed and how she finally managed to come through them with a positive prognosis, changed and battle-scarred but with her spirits high and a new direction to take in life. This book will be an inspiration to any woman who fears they may be facing the same ordeal.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMereo Books
    Release dateMar 17, 2014
    ISBN9781909544451
    Dont Let Me Cry

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      Book preview

      Dont Let Me Cry - Tina Jenkinson

      Don’t Let Me Cry

      My story of my battle with breast cancer

      Tina Jenkinson

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright © Tina Jenkinson 2013

      Published by Memoirs

      25 Market Place, Cirencester, Gloucestershire GL7 2NX, England

      Tel: 01285 640485, Email: [email protected]

      www.memoirspublishing.com

      Read all about us at www.memoirspublishing.com. See more about book writing on our blog www.bookwriting.co. Follow us on www.twitter.com/memoirs_books

      Join us on www.facebook.com/MemoirsPublishing

      Tina Jenkinson has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

      ISBN 978-1-909544-45-1

      Breast Cancer Care is here for anyone affected by breast cancer. We bring people together, provide information and support, and campaign for improved standards of care.

      We use our understanding of people’s experience of breast cancer and our clinical expertise in everything we do.

      Visit www.breastcancercare.org.uk or call our free helpline on 0808 800 6000.

      Registered charity in England and Wales 1017658

      Registered charity in Scotland SC038104

      INTRODUCTION

      Today is the 13th December 2010. It is 9.30 pm and I’m thinking about Christmas. This time last year, it was just another day, a day I wanted to finish as quickly as it had started. A year ago, three weeks before Christmas 2009, my mum lost her fight with MS after spending seven weeks in hospital.

      Three months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And that is what my story is about.

      So I’m thinking that today is a new day, other days will continue past today and my life and the story that goes with it will go on. If I can share these words with just one other person, someone who needs to know, someone who through reading them will help them understand what they will face over the coming months, or find the answers they desperately need, then it’ll all be worth it.

      So this is my story, the story of what can only be described as a pretty crap twelve months in my life. This is the story of my battle with breast cancer.

      PROLOGUE

      Have you ever woken up and thought, ‘This is going to be a bad day’?

      Have you ever cried so much you can’t breathe? Have you ever been so angry it hurts?

      No one would ever have known that I spent hours trawling the internet to find miracle cures. Lorenzo’s oil, maybe that would help, stem cell treatment, anything, there must be a cure, or at least hope…

      Some illnesses are so twisted.

      Some illnesses squeeze the life out of you, not just the living breathing, but also the walking talking.

      Some illnesses take your dignity.

      If you spent fifteen years knowing you had MS, would you still be smiling? Would you still be fighting? When you’ve seen pure courage, when you’ve seen laughter, how can you show weakness in the face of fear?

      I heard a saying recently ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. I’m still testing that theory. My Mum proved it, by the fight and spirit she displayed throughout those fifteen years battling an illness, the same illness I never did find a ‘miracle’ cure for, so this book is written in dedication to her.

      I will get through the next year with her strength, her courage and her drive for life.

      Thursday 3rd December 2009

      The journey to the hospital seemed to take forever. When we arrived I hesitated to go in. I didn’t want to accept the inevitable.

      If someone had said to me seven weeks before that my mum would go into hospital, end up in critical care and slowly go downhill until there was no hope, I would have thought they were mad. Then again, if someone had told me that this time next year I’d be bald - well, you get the point. We all think we’re indestructible, but we’re not.

      It was 9.30 pm and I was now alone, just my mum and me. The radio was playing by the bed. I don’t remember why, but of all the music I heard that night Don’t Speak by No Doubt is the only one I can remember.

      Friday 4th December 2009 – 1:20am

      There are few words to describe how it felt, how it still feels. Emotions are very personal and hard to share. Numbness, emptiness, overwhelming sadness, guilt, anger, and the list can go on forever.

      Goodnight Mum - Thank you for giving me the strength to face the next twelve months.

      CHAPTER ONE

      Why me? Well, why not? That’s what I think if my mind ever starts going down that path. I force myself to think that’s there’s nothing I can do about it, no magic to take it all away. So I keep going, taking each day as it comes. That’s what you have to do and keep on doing, until time passes and this all becomes a distant memory.

      Some time in February 2010 I became aware of a lump. It’s strange, as I don’t actually remember when or how I found it; I just instinctively started feeling it, every morning and every night. It was a solid lump. My skin didn’t move over it and I knew, I just knew, it wasn’t right. It was alien to my body, and I was scared.

      Fear can stop you from doing anything, but at some point you can’t go on ignoring it. What if? I was busy, too busy to go to the doctor’s, but at some point I knew I had to get it confirmed. I knew I couldn’t keep ignoring it.

      It took me about two weeks to pluck up the courage. I had only ever known two people to have breast cancer and neither had survived. In honesty, if I had asked more questions back then, I would have understood why, but I didn’t, so here I was, staring fear directly in the face. If it was confirmed, would that be it, game over?

      I reluctantly booked an appointment, and when I arrived I explained my symptoms to the doctor. She asked me to get undressed so she could feel the lump. I knew from that point that this wasn’t going to be simple.

      She clearly wasn’t happy with what she could feel and told me she was going to refer me for some tests. I remember asking her questions like ‘is a lump more worrying if it’s solid and doesn’t move, or if you can move it under your skin?’ The answer didn’t much matter, not just because I didn’t really listen, but because I knew this lump was bad news. I’ve been living in my own skin for long enough to know when something’s not right.

      It’s weird, because we’ve all had something that we think could be bad, but know in your heart it will come to nothing. This was different. I was trying so hard to make myself believe it would be nothing and I knew other people would think the same, but I knew, I knew this was bad.

      After the doctor’s appointment, I was meeting a friend, Teresa, for lunch. When I arrived at her house, one of the first things she said to me was ‘How are you?’ Well I couldn’t lie, I would need to master that art for a later date, for everyone else.

      Sunday 14th March

      I had received a letter from the hospital a few days before and my appointment was in the morning, but I had kept quiet. I had no one to go with and the realisation of what I might be facing was starting to scare me. I didn’t really want to go alone, but I also didn’t want to worry anyone.

      After a battle with myself over what to do, I decided to show the letter to my housemate, Kate. She had seen the envelope downstairs and wondered what it was for. We sat in my bedroom and I told her what had been going on over the last couple of weeks. However I was adamant at this point that I didn’t want anyone else to know.

      Monday 15th March

      Suddenly breast cancer is everywhere, on posters, TV, in the news and on the radio. It’s one of those things - as time goes on I see it more and more. Did I just never notice it before, or was I not looking? Either way my eyes have now well and truly been opened to this illness.

      Kate dropped me off at the hospital in the morning, something she would get used to doing over the next few months. I didn’t really know what to expect and sat there nervously until I was called through.

      My first port of call was the breast specialist. She felt the lump and initially lifted my spirits as she said it didn’t feel abnormal, but she wanted to send me for a mammogram so she could be sure.

      So I waited. I wondered what was

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