Losing Hope: A Novel
4.5/5
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About this ebook
Haunted by the little girl he couldn’t save from imminent danger, Holder’s life has been overshadowed by feelings of guilt and remorse. He has never stopped searching for her, believing that finding her would bring him the peace he needs to move on. However, Holder could not have anticipated that he would be faced with even greater pain the moment they reconnected.
In Losing Hope, Holder reveals the way in which the events of Sky’s youth affected him and his family, leading him to seek his own redemption in the act of saving her. But it is only in loving Sky that he can finally begin to heal himself.
Colleen Hoover
Colleen Hoover is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of more than twenty-three novels, including It Starts with Us, It Ends with Us, All Your Perfects, Ugly Love, and Verity. Colleen lives in Texas with her husband and their three boys. For more information, please visit ColleenHoover.com.
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Reviews for Losing Hope
439 ratings28 reviews
What our readers think
Readers find this title to be a heartbreakingly exquisite and addictive read. While some reviewers found the story generic and predictable, others appreciated the dark side and the maturity of the characters. The book is praised for its ability to tie loose ends and provide a new perspective on the first book. Overall, readers love this book and consider it one of their favorites.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Excellent!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I love that the story has some dark side in it but the characters showed maturity in facing their past. I am officially addicted to you books.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A good way to tie loose end of “Hopeless”. It is so good. Heart breaking. Tear jerking. A lot of love. Just good.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loved it! Heartbreakingly exquisite. Onto the next book in the series.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Jesus Lord. Dean Holder, you're my number one book boyfriend. Love that this book is his side of the first book. I thought a lot of it might be redundant, but the change is first person narrative kept it interesting.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This is the third book that I've read from Colleen and I have to say that I was a little let down cause I was expecting so much from it. For me, the story was generic and a little predictable. Towards the end, there were other twists that made me say, "OH MY GOD." But other than that, I found myself wanting to skip some parts. Mainly because there were chunks of the book that felt repetitive to me. I felt like that could have been executed better.
I can't really judge this book since it's in the P.O.V. of Holder alone. I haven't read Sky/Hope's point of view (the first version). But if I were being honest, I didn't really feel the characters. To me, there wasn't much about who they were. It mostly talked about their past and it got a little tedious.
Of course, the incidents that occurred in the book were sensitive issues that I sympathized with. I just wish it was delivered better because the matters were very delicate to begin with. I've picked up a few things from this book but not so much as to inspire me to remember those things (unlike the previous books that I've read from her). A stronger message could have been given. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the funny comebacks and the twists in the story.
Is the book unique? No. Is it readable? Yes.
Looking forward to her other books. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5THE BEST BOOK EVER CURRENTLY BAWLING MY EYES OUT! THIS WILL FOREVER BE MY FAVORITE
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- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Holy tear jerker!!! I usually skip the "Other point of view books" just because I already read the story. This book you can not skip out on. It was ten times better then hopeless. If you cried during hopeless buy another box of tissues. I finished this book in a day. Last night I reviewed Hopeless stating I wanted to see more of Les side and this book granted all my wishes. I cried for Hope for Sky for Les for Holder for beth for karen. The book replays every feeling sky/hope went through but, adds in all of holders emotions along with Les and beth. I love the way holder wrote to les and the letter she left made me cry. This book has less pages then Hopeless but, the story line lasts longer. I love Daniel im so excited to read finding cinderella I think it will be nice to get to know Six and Daniel more.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Don't look at me. I'm just ugly crying over here
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I wish I would have read this sooner.
Holder's POV adds new depth and a whole new dimension to this story. This is not a retelling of Hopeless. There was so much more back story that I got to see this story in a new light.
Collen Hoover had never failed to keep me enthralled. When I pick up a book by her, I know I'm not going to be dissapointed.
This definately deserves a 5 star rating. Wish I could give it more. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Received the ARC through NetGalley.
For all readers who got NG access, you could go and read it NOW. You don't have to request it anymore. It's auto approved. :)
WOW. I love when authors make second books of a series a POV of the guy I quite liked. I mean, same story but it was told in the male lead's POV. But this book, this particular series, I like how Hoover added some things in it. I love how she start it where in Les still alive. Even though her appearance is quite short.
Holder's thoughts are strong. I mean, you could feel whatever he was feeling, especially when Les died. We didn't know, from book 1, what Holder felt when his twin sister overdosed, when he lose Hope, when he saw his mother devastated. We didn't really know. We just know that he felt guilty about it, he's sad and all, but we didn't really know what was going on his mind.
Well, it was because it is Sky's POV back then. So what we know, we knew it through her. It's a good thing that Hoover wrote this story in Holder's POV. It makes us feel connected to them both.
Yes, it started out a bit slow cause I was looking forward to him meeting Sky and telling her about it all. But I guess, it's okay, the pace I mean.
I cried. I actually didn't expect that I will cry again since I already know what happened. But Hoover made some twist in the end. And it just broke my heart all over again.
But yes, I love the book. LOL. It's really hard to review books you liked. :p - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I finally kind of understand what it's like for a boy/man to fall in love. Thank you so much, Ms. Colleen Hoover.
That said, this story moved MORE than Hopeless did. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Losing Hope is a generously satisfying companion novel to Hopeless. In this book Colleen Hoover brings new depth, passion and clarity to a familiar and much adored love story and haunting tale.I must admit that I found Hopeless, at times, truly difficult to read. I love, however, that I did read it because Losing Hope is a true reward for the readers who survived that emotionally heart wrenching tale and fearlessly went back for more. How could we not with the promise of all Holder, all the time!!? And if you loved Holder in Hopeless, you become utterly smitten with him in Losing Hope.Losing Hope delivers an authentic, complex and emotionally charged male POV. I was utterly engrossed in Holder's story. His perspective reads young, unfiltered and raw. Experiencing what was going through his head felt intimate and delicious. Holder is all male, volatile and highly charged. He's also human. He screws up, a lot. But we forgive him because he is funny and charming and so VERY sexy. And that boy LOVES. Oh my goodness, he loves with everything that he has in him.I adored this book. Even when it was difficult, even when Sky remembers and all is revealed, I found it cathartic to read it again through Holder's eyes. I knew what challenges and horrors they would face, and I was ready for it. I was completely immersed and inspired.ARC courtesy of Atria Books via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5YESSSSS! *Does the happy dance*
First, I may love this book more than Hopeless.. well maybe just as much. Losing Hope was utterly heartbreaking at times. It detailed the year before Holder met Sky, including the events that led up to Les' suicide. Colleen Hoover rips your heart out in the first chapter. She is an incredible writer and has to be in my top three. With all of the companion-retelling from a second POV books that are starting to come about, this is the very best. There is some snips of the original story, but there's more of Holder's story and snips of a diary, which mixes it up a bit. I loved reading the story through Holder's POV, he's such a good guy with a big broken heart.. *sigh*
It's just so good!
Here's some awesome quotes:
I laugh. I wonder if it's possible for people to fall in love with a person one characteristic at a time, or if you fall for the entire person at once. Because I think I just fell in love with her wit. And her bluntness. And maybe even her mouth, but I won't allow myself to stare at it long enough to confirm.
Shit. That's already three characteristics and I've only been here an hour.
------
Moments like these with people like her are what make all the suffering worth it. It's moments like these that keep people looking forward and I can't believe I've let them slip by for an entire month.
ARC provided in exchange for an honest review. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/54-4.5 stars.
I've been waiting for Holder's take on Hopeless for months.
Colleen Hoover did such a fantastic job with Hopeless that I hoped Holder's book will be half as good. Naturally, we all love and adore Holder. His faith and infinite love for this little girl he feels as a young boy he disappointed and still feels responsible for her fate, and the heart wrenching story of Sky told from a Holder's point of view... There was little chance of the readers to be disappointed.
The book opens a year prior to where Hopeless started, we learn of Leslie's death and Holder's coping with her death, and we learn how and why he was absent for the past year that preceded his meeting Sky.
I. Felt. Such. Heartache. Reading the beginning of this book, and I love that Hoover included it, as it sets Losing Hope aside from Hopeless. It sets the tone to Holder's profound devastation, and it explains much about his actions and decisions regarding Sky in Hopeless and here in Losing Hope.
When the slow burning torture of the first kiss to end all kisses began, I had rush of all the emotions that flooded me during the first read of Hopeless.
I'm pretty sure it's too soon to love her, but shit. She's got to stop doing and saying these unexpected things that make me want to fast-forward whatever's going on between us. Because I want to kiss her and make love to her and marry her and make her have my babies and I want it all to happen tonight.
This book felt sweet, swoony and achy, but was very rewarding. Granted, knowing the whole story (almost?) i didn't feel the earth-shattering reveal of the tragedy they experienced, all in his own way, but I did very much enjoy the part where Holder learns the truth on Sky, on Leslie and on what their mother knew. And that little extra at the end.
I very much recommend Losing Hope to anyone who enjoyed Hopeless, who enjoys Colleen Hoover's words, and appreciate making lemonade out of very sour lemons.
Thank you NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for this advanced reading copy, in exchange for an honest review. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I love the concept of telling the same story but from another characters viewpoint. Worked really well and gave depth the storyline.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I've never read a book retold from a different perspective. I was worried that it would all sound the same and make me dislike the story. Losing Hope didn't do any of that. It made me love the characters that much more!
I loved getting a peek into Holder's mind. We find out the reasons he does things in Hopeless. We also get to meet his best friend Daniel, who I absolutely love! He realizes that he may be coming off strong with the whole protectiveness thing, but he feels drawn to Sky. He also shows just how loyal of a person he is.
It's odd knowing the general outcome of the characters, and we also get a little bit of info on what happens shortly after Hopeless ends. It's not anything huge, but we get to see where everything stands. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I just finished Hopeless earlier today, and I fell apart, then I saw Holder's book. I just finished and now I am cracked open and just waiting to breathe again. I really love this, companion books, both sides it makes me see the first book through a new vantage point, its incredible. Thank you for these two books. I just wish it didnt still hurt my heart so much, but I guess thats part of knowing you have found an amazing writer.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5You know how sometimes when you read a book, you want to call every single person you know and scream “read this book….NOW!!” Well, that’s what happened when I read Hopeless.
Then, I went into post-awesome book withdrawal. You know what that is. It’s when you have read a book so awesome that anything you read afterwards pales in comparison. You have been there, right?
But wait, there was a light! Colleen Hoover (aka, amazeballs writing goddess) announced there would be a follow-up book! And better than that? It was written in HOLDER’S POV!! Holy crap! I may or may not have squealed like a little girl that ran downstairs on Christmas and actually found that Santa had brought her a freaking pony!
I got my grubby little hands on Losing Hope yesterday. I didn’t put it down. I read straight through. Then I sighed a happy, contented, lovely sigh. Because it was perfect. And I don’t mean it was good. I mean it was damn perfect.
I cried in the FIRST chapter, people. The first chapter! How many times have you done that??
Here’s the thing with alternating POV books. They tend to be the same story, just re-told. Colleen Hoover didn’t pull that. Nope! She told Holder’s whole story. There were things in there that blew.my.mind. Parts of the story that were so earth shattering that they made me gasp. It’s almost as if she was holding back these little nuggets so she could put them in this book.
Then you have the man himself. Dean freaking Holder. I have said it before and I will say it again. My daughter (who is 8) is going to have to read these books one day and she will then be told to wait for her Holder. Every girl deserves a Holder. He is the epitome of what every mother wants for her little girl. He is just…no words. He is just perfection. And the love he feels for Sky? Wow.
“I’m pretty sure it’s too soon to love her, but shit. She’s got to stop doing and saying these unexpected things that make me want to fast-forward whatever’s going on between us. Because I want to kiss her and male love to her and marry her and make her have my babies and I want it all to happen tonight”
I am not going to prattle on. I am just going to tell you buy.the.damn.book. Read it. You won’t Live it, you will LOVE it. I promise. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5“Time has completely stopped, and all I'm thinking about while we kiss is how this is what saves people. Moments like these with people like her are what make all the sufferings worth it.”
Losing Hope is a closer look into the story that every single one of us fell in love with and were emotionally charged. It’s the same story of Hopeless but this time we can see everything from Dean Holder’s side of view. I have never knew that reading about the same story could be so different and still emotional at the same time. This made me love Holder even more and look at him completely differently.
Losing Hope starts off from the very beginning, the moment before Holder’s sister, Les, commited suiside. He’s mad at himself, mad at Les, mad at the world that he couldn’t protect her and let down everyone that he loved. He starts writing letters to his sister to let her know about everything that’s going on in his life and how he feels about what she did. Seeing Sky for the first time made him speechless and he couldn’t believe that he might have found Hope. His Hope.
“I wonder if it's possible for people to fall in love with a person one characteristic at a time, or if you fall for the entire person at once.”
Some of the moments in the story interact with each other and I really wished that I had Hopeless by me so I can compare the feelings and thoughts of Sky and Holder but there were a lot of unexpected twists that I couldn’t predict. I do wish that there were some sort of continued story but overall I fell in love with Colleen Hoover’s writing all over again. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5If you haven’t read Hopeless, you should go do right this second! It is an amazing and awe-aspiring book that will move your heart!Plot: This story is told from Holder’s point of view. If you think that this story is just “being told again” your wrong. It’s very different and very moving. This time, the reader sees what Holder went through the day Sky disappeared. The heartbreaking truth of what he face both on and off camera and how it affected his sibling. I start this book and read it in one sitting.Love/Friendship: Holder and Sky go way back. I tend to enjoy friendships that turn into young love because they already have a foundation built. Watching Holder meet Sky again and seeing him struggle with the truth made my heart race. He got angry, I got angry. He wanted to be done with it and so did I. I saw things from a new perspective and it gave me a better understanding of Holder and who became. Several times in Hopeless, I was angry at Holder. This time, the picture is painted clear.Secret: Well if you read the first book then you KNOW the big secret. I have to say the thought of yelling,” HOLDER! Just tell her already!!” ran through my mind over and over again. I want to spill the beans!! But, I have to be patient. If anything Holder was bidding his time, taking Sky’s well-being into account not wanting to mess up anything for her. And that folks, made me love him even more. Despite the secret he is carrying on his shoulders, he dealt with it rationally, thinking of every single effect it would bring should he spill the secret too early or too late.Take it from me and read the book. A steadfast story that has the heart of the reader in its hand, Losing Hope is profound. The eagerness to look away from the past and move forward, carries the reader into a hope founded on pure love. A phenomenal conclusion that you should not past up, Losing Hope is dynamic!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Losing Hope by Colleen Hoover is the second book in the Hopeless series.Where Hopeless was tragically beautiful, Losing Hope was beautifully tragic. Both books have a HEA (Happily Ever After) as they are essentially both the same story from different POV's (Points Of View).In Losing Hope we get Holder's perspective. Who he was prior to and right after his sisters suicide, and what was happening with him when he first met Sky. To see what was going on inside the head of that beautiful specimen of man was a real treat.Lacey's journal - the back pages... Well that was a real twist. When Holder finally manages to deal with that, to read the contents, the redemption he's granted is priceless.If you loved Hopeless then you really owe it to yourself to get Holder's side of the tale. A pleasanter ear only slightly lee angst-filled as I already knew most of the details from the previous story and was prepared.I love pop culture references in books...It may not be deliberate, but for me this is a Barney from How I Met Your Mother reference.“Your logic terrifies me,” she says. “I sort of don’t find you attractive anymore.”Challenge accepted.I slowly slide on top of her, careful to hold my weight up with my hands. If my body were to touch any part of hers right now, we’d already be moving on to seconds and thirds. “You sort of don’t find me attractive?” I say, staring straight down into her eyes. “That can also mean you sort of do find me attractive.”-Holder & Sky
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is the follow up to Hopeless, and Hopeless was one of those books that made me feel so many emotions, and one that just needed to be read. And I can tell you this one was no different. Holders’ story was remarkable.
Holder on of those characters that there was no way not to fall for. He is caring, sweet and tries everything to make things right. But to know the strength that he truly had through all of this was what made even more of a genuinely great guy. His interactions with his friend Daniel was hilarious, and the stuff they called each other had me laughing so hard sometimes. Even with Breckin, they were so funny together. Sky was just as wonderful as she was before. The romance between Holder and Sky something that I adored, and the chemistry between them is undeniable.
Going into this I was a little afraid that it might be just like rereading Hopeless, but it was anything but. Yes, there were some parts that were from Sky’s story, but being inside Holder’s head was amazing. We live with him through something tragic that has happened, and his hurt, the guilt were at times almost unbearable to read. The weight of pain he carried was terrible, but the love he has for those he loves outweighed the pain. Some of these same things I felt from before were there and even felt a stronger emotion this time around, I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it was seeing how much losing Hope/Sky all those years ago affected him and his family. I honestly think I found this even more emotional than I did Hopeless, and I thought for sure that one has done me in. Hoover has a way with words like no other, the raw emotions drip off the pages. An there is much to Holder’s story that I want to tell you, but I also don’t wan to spoil it for you. The ending was so emotional, I was a blubbering mess for a while. So grab some tissues.
Losing Hope is a book you have to read for yourself, it has tragedy, pain, anguish, hope, and love and you lose yourself in the heartbreaking beauty of it. It is a must read, especially for fans of Hopeless. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5In Hopeless, my heart was ripped out, put back in, ripped out again, and put back in, over and over again. I shed many tears with a heavy heart. Losing Hope is no different. This may be from Holder’s POV, his most inner thoughts, but it is not the same story as Hopeless… No it is much more.
The connection that these two characters have is undeniable. You probably thought so in Hopeless, but you will know for sure that I am right after reading Losing Hope. I was blown away by Colleen’s ability to retell a story in such a way that it almost felt like a whole different story, yet telling the same story at the same time.
Holder’s character is an amazing young man. Struggling with his sister’s suicide. His own grief and anger. Yet trying to hold on to the one he lost years ago, if not for him, but for Les. This book recants not just his struggle with coming to terms of who Sky is, but coming to terms that his sister’s suicide was in fact not such a horrible thing. He holds blame within himself for so many things, he has a hard time holding on.
We get to see the love Holder has for Sky. We get to find out what he was thinking and doing while Sky was suffering; while she was feeling. He gives us so much insight to the story of Holder and Sky that we never thought could exist.
“And when I say perfect, I mean imperfect, because there’s just so much wrong with her. But everything wrong with her is everything that draws me in and makes her perfect.”
This is a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. It takes on the original story and turns it into a much bigger saga than one can imagine. If you thought Holder was stuck in your head before, he will remain there for even longer after this book!
But I did love you. I loved you so much.
I open my hand and press it flat against her heart. “The night I found out I was Hope? I told you I wanted to be alone in my room. When I woke up and saw you in my bed I wanted to cry, Holder. I wanted to cry because I needed you there with me so bad. I knew in that moment that I was in love with you. I was in love with the way you loved me. When you wrapped you arms around me and held me, I knew that no matter what happened with my life, you were my home. You stole the biggest piece of my heart that night.”
I didn’t steal it. You gave it to me.
She lowers her mouth to mine and I drop my head back against the mattress and let her kiss me. “Keep them open,” she whispers, pulling away from my lips. I do what she says and somehow open my eyes again, looking directly into hers. “I want you to keep them open…because I need you to watch me give you the very last piece of my heart.” - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Hopeless is one of my favorite Colleen Hoover books. I have been putting off reading this as I did not want it to take away from my love for the original story. I am not a huge fan of point of view retellings, but this was the exception.I liked how you get so many details that you did not get in Hopeless. You get more details about the loss of his sister. He also writes Les letters. They were heartbreaking. I just love Colleen Hoover and I cannot wait to pick up the final book in this series
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Rating – 4 Stars*I received an advanced digital copy of this novel from Netgalley on behalf of Atria Books*If you haven’t read Hopeless, this review is going to spoil. So go get that book and read it ASAP and then come back and read this review.Losing Hope starts out the night before Les killed herself. Holder has found Grayson with another girl and forced him to break up with Les. Holder, canceling plans with friends to stay home with his heartbroken sister comes home and discovers the worst thing a brother can discover; that his twin sister has committed suicide.When his mom asks him to go into Les’s room to retrieve an outfit for her funeral, he discovers a notebook that was supposed to be used for therapy but remains empty. Holder decides to use the notebook to write Les letters. He writes how mad and upset and how guilt he feels. Not only about her suicide but also about how he still feels guilty for losing Hope all those years ago (he needs a hug. I’ll give him one).When he gets back to school, everyone is an asshole. They are talking tons of shit about him and Les, wondering when he’s going to breakdown and kill himself, blaming him for Les’s death because of what happened between him and Grayson. His friend Daniel is pretty entertaining and I love how he handles the situation.And then he comes across the biggest asshole, the one talking about how Les should’ve just toughed it out and Holder snaps. He basically beats this guy almost to death and gets arrested and has to go live with this father. The letters to Les stop during this year that he’s gone, so we don’t really hear about his life in Austin with his dad, except for the fight that caused him to move back with his mom (Which I would have liked to hear more about. The time in Austin, not really the fight).Once he returns to his mother’s house, the letters to Les start again. Much of the story is told through these letters. I enjoyed that, it was kind of an overview of what was happening and he works out his confusion and feelings in those letters. and And then he meets Sky-that-might-be-Hope and if you’ve read Hopeless (serious, dude, go read it!) you know how it goes from there.What I liked about this book is it gives a little more insight to Holder. Boy has some serious anger issues but (and this sounds cliché but it’s true) he’s in a lot of pain, mentally. He completely blames himself for Hope’s disappearance. He blames himself for Les, wondering what he missed that caused her so much pain she wanted to end her life.He loves Sky and knows she’s Hope, but desperately doesn’t want her to be Hope. He wants to love her for just being Sky. He doesn’t want to destroy her life if she is Hope. You heart seriously breaks for him because his mind is a mess.If you read Hopeless (and why haven’t you?!) you already know the events of the book, so I’m not going to rehash them in the review. Actually, that was the only thing I didn’t like about the book, was the rehash of scenes from Hopeless. I would have like more of the in-between stuff that wasn’t told in Hopeless. Though the big important scenes had to be in the book, I get that but idk, I just skimmed over everything that was quote for quote from Hopeless.I highly suggest reading this book if you enjoyed Hopeless. I liked Daniel, I liked Breckin (again) and I liked that you get a little tidbit of insight to their future. You also see him finally come to terms (well as much as one can) with his sister’s death.Read my review for Hopeless and other books at Punk's House of Books
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I think I loved this book even more than Hopeless. This is a perfect example of how to do the same book story in a alternate POV. Honestly it seemed like it was it's own story though, because it was! Even though we are shown most of the same moments between Holder and Sky, we also see so much more from Holder. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already did, but after living everything through his eyes I do.
I have to say I love the best friends of both of these MC though!
Anyways- I feel like the story was more complete after reading everything through Holder. He completed the story more than I thought Hopeless did. Beautiful heartbreaking story with a end that glues all your broken pieces back together.1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Anyone who was skeptical of Point of Retreat needs to read this book/series. I was skeptical of Colleen's skills with alternate POV's, but this book restored my faith. I enjoyed hearing Holder's POV of Hopeless. It was his own "new" story about the same situation, but I never once thought, "haven't I already heard this part." It was like being a completely different person and reading Hopeless, only the fun is you are of only one POV and you are able to compare the two story's and see how they magically intertwine and bring about different emotions and thoughts about the same story. THIS is a well done alternate POV novel. I've read many where I've been bored to tears with the same story. Congratulations Colleen Hoover, you did it!
Book preview
Losing Hope - Colleen Hoover
Chapter One
My heart rate is signaling for me to just walk away. Les has reminded me more than once that it’s not my business. She’s never been a brother before, though. She has no idea how hard it is to sit back and not let it be my business. That’s why, right now, this son-of-a-bitch is my number-one priority.
I slide my hands into the back pockets of my jeans and hope to hell I can keep them there. I’m standing behind the couch, looking down at him. I don’t know how long it’ll take him to notice I’m here. Considering the grip he has on the chick straddling his lap, I doubt he’ll notice for a while. I remain behind them for several minutes while the party continues around us, everyone completely unaware that I’m a fraction away from losing my mind. I would take out my phone so that I’d have evidence, but I couldn’t do that to Les. She doesn’t need a visual.
Hey,
I finally say, unable to contain my silence a second longer. If I have to watch him palm this chick’s breast one more time without a single ounce of respect for his relationship with Les, I’ll rip his fucking hand off.
Grayson tears his mouth away from hers and tilts his head back, looking up at me with glossed-over eyes. I can see the fear settle in when it clicks—when he finally realizes that the last person he thought would be here tonight actually showed up.
Holder,
he says, pushing the girl off his lap. He struggles to his feet but can hardly stand up straight. He looks at me pleadingly, pointing at the girl, who’s now adjusting her barely-there skirt. This isn’t… it’s not what it looks like.
I slide my hands out of my back pockets and fold my arms across my chest. My fist is closer to him now and I have to clench it, knowing how good it would feel to punch his face in.
I look down to the floor and inhale a breath. Then another. And one more just for show, since I’m really enjoying watching him squirm. I shake my head and raise my eyes back to his. Give me your phone.
The confusion on his face would be comical if I weren’t so pissed. He laughs and attempts to back up a step, but bumps into the coffee table. He catches himself by pressing his hand onto the glass and straightens back up. Get your own fucking phone,
he mumbles. He doesn’t look back at me as he maneuvers his way around the coffee table. I calmly walk around the couch and intercept him, holding out my hand.
"Give me your phone, Grayson. Now."
I’m not really at an advantage sizewise, since we’re about the same build. However, I’m definitely at an advantage if you take my anger into consideration, and Grayson can clearly see that. He takes a step back, which probably isn’t a very smart move considering he’s backing himself straight into the corner of the living room. He fumbles with his pocket and finally pulls out his phone.
What the hell do you want my phone for?
he says. I grab it out of his hands and dial Les’s number without hitting send. I hand it back to him.
Call her. Tell her what a bastard you are and end it.
Grayson looks down at his phone, then back up at me. Go fuck yourself,
he spits.
I inhale a calming breath, then roll my neck and pop my jaw. When that doesn’t help ease my urge to make him bleed, I reach forward, grab the collar of his shirt and shove him hard against the wall, pinning his neck with my forearm. I remind myself that if I kick his ass before he makes the call, my remaining calm for the past ten minutes will have been pointless.
My teeth are clenched, my jaw is tight, and my pulse is pounding in my head. I’ve never hated anyone more than in this moment. The intensity of what I wish I could do to him right now is even scaring me.
I look him hard in the eyes and let him know how the next few minutes are about to play out. Grayson,
I say through clenched teeth. Unless you want me to do what I really want to do to you right now, you will put the phone to your ear, you will call my sister, and you will end it. Then you’re going to hang up the phone and never speak to her again.
I press my arm harder against his neck, taking note of the fact that his face is now redder than his shirt, due to lack of oxygen.
Fine,
he grumbles, attempting to free himself from the hold I have on him. I wait until he looks down at the phone and hits send before I release my arm and let go of his shirt. He puts the phone to his ear and never stops looking at me as we both stand still and wait for Les to answer.
I know what this will do to her, but she has no idea what he does behind her back. No matter how many times she hears it from other people, he’s somehow able to weasel his way back into her life every time.
Not this time. Not if I have any control over it. I won’t sit back and let him do this to my sister anymore.
Hey,
he says into the phone. He tries to turn away from me to speak to her, but I shove his shoulder back against the wall. He winces.
No, babe,
he says nervously. I’m at Jaxon’s house.
There’s a long pause while he listens to her speak. I know that’s what I said, but I lied. That’s why I’m calling. Les, I… I think we need some space.
I shake my head, letting him know that he needs to make it an absolute break-up. I’m not looking for him to give her space. I’m looking for him to give my sister permanent freedom.
He rolls his eyes and flips me off with his free hand. I’m breaking up with you,
he says flatly. He allows her to talk while he remains silent. The fact that he’s showing no remorse whatsoever proves what a heartless dick he is. My hands are shaking and my chest tightens, knowing exactly what this is doing to Les right now. I hate myself for forcing this to happen, but Les deserves better, even if she doesn’t think she does.
I’m hanging up now,
he says into the phone.
I shove his head back against the wall and force him to look at me. Apologize to her,
I say quietly, not wanting her to hear me in the background. He closes his eyes and sighs, then ducks his head.
I’m sorry, Lesslie. I didn’t want to do this.
He pulls the phone from his ear and abruptly ends the call. He stares at the screen for several seconds. I hope you’re happy,
he says, looking back up at me. Because you just broke your sister’s heart.
That’s the last thing Grayson says to me. My fist meets his jaw twice before he hits the floor. I shake out my hand, back away from him, and make my way to the exit. Before I even reach my car, my phone is buzzing in my back pocket. I pull it out and don’t even look at the screen before answering it.
Hey,
I say, attempting to control the trembling anger in my voice when I hear her crying on the other end. I’m on my way, Les. It’ll be okay, I’m on my way.
It’s been an entire day since Grayson made the call, but I still feel guilty, so I tack on an extra two miles to my evening run for self-inflicted punishment. Seeing Les torn up like she was last night wasn’t something I had expected. I realize now that having him call her like I did probably wasn’t the best way of handling things, but there’s no way I could just sit back and allow him to dick around on her like he was.
The most unexpected thing about Les’s reaction was that her anger wasn’t solely placed on Grayson. It was as if she was pissed at the entire male population. She kept referring to men as sick bastards,
pacing her bedroom floor back and forth, while I just sat there and watched her vent. She finally broke down, crawled into bed, and cried herself to sleep. I lay awake, knowing I had a hand in her heartache. I stayed in her room the whole night, partly to make sure she was okay, but mostly because I didn’t want her picking up the phone and calling Grayson in a moment of desperation.
She’s stronger than I give her credit for, though. She didn’t attempt to call him last night and she’s made no attempt to call him today. She didn’t get much sleep last night, so she went to her room before lunch to nap. However, I’ve been pausing outside her bedroom door throughout the day just to make sure I couldn’t hear her on the phone, so I know she hasn’t made any attempts to call him. At least while I’ve been home. In fact, I’m pretty sure the heartless phone call from him last night was exactly what she needed to finally see him for who he really is.
I kick my shoes off at the door and walk to the kitchen to refill my water. It’s Saturday night and I would normally be heading out with Daniel, but I already texted him to let him know I was staying in tonight. Les made me promise I would stay in with her because she didn’t want to go out and chance running into Grayson yet. She’s lucky she’s cool, because I don’t know many seventeen-year-old guys who would give up a Saturday night to watch chick flicks with his heartbroken sister. But then again, most siblings don’t have what Les and I have. I don’t know if our close relationship has anything to do with the fact that we’re twins. She’s my only sibling, so I don’t have anything to compare us to. She might argue that I’m too protective of her, and there may be some truth to that argument, but I don’t plan on changing anytime soon. Or ever.
I run up the stairs, pull my shirt off, and push open the bathroom door. I turn the water on, then walk across the hall and knock on her bedroom door. I’m taking a quick shower, will you order the pizza?
I brace my hand against her door and reach down to pull my socks off. I turn around and toss them into the bathroom, then beat on her door again. Les!
When she doesn’t respond, I sigh and look up at the ceiling. If she’s on the phone with him, I’ll be pissed. But if she’s on the phone with him, it probably means he’s telling her the break-up was all my fault and she’ll be the one who’s pissed. I wipe my palms on my shorts and open the door to her bedroom, preparing for another heated lecture on how I need to mind my own business.
I see Les on her bed after I walk into her room, and I’m immediately taken back to when I was a little boy. Back to the moment that changed me. Everything about me. Everything about the world around me. My whole world turned from a place full of vibrant colors to a dull, lifeless gray. The sky, the grass, the trees… all the things that were once beautiful were stripped of their magnificence the moment I realized I was responsible for our best friend Hope’s disappearance.
I never looked at people the same way. I never looked at nature the same way. I never looked at my future the same way. Everything went from having a meaning, a purpose, and a reason, to simply being a second-rate version of what life was supposed to be like. My once effervescent world was suddenly a blurred, gray, colorless photocopy.
Just like Les’s eyes.
They aren’t hers. They’re open. They’re looking right at me from her position on the bed.
But they aren’t hers.
The color in her eyes is gone. This girl is a gray, colorless photocopy of my sister.
My Les.
I can’t move. I wait for her to blink, to laugh, to revel in the twisted aftermath of the sick, fucking joke she’s playing right now. I wait for my heart to start beating again, for my lungs to start working again. I wait for control of my body to return to me because I don’t know who has control of it right now. I sure as hell don’t. I wait and I wait and I wonder how long she can keep this up. How long can people keep their eyes open like that? How long can people not breathe before their body jerks for that desperately needed gasp of air?
How fucking long before I do something to help her?
My hands are touching her face, grabbing her arm, shaking her whole body until she’s in my arms and I’m pulling her onto my lap. The empty pill bottle falls out of her hand and lands on the floor but I refuse to look at it. Her eyes are still lifeless and she’s no longer looking at me as the head between my hands falls backward every time I try to lift it up.
She doesn’t flinch when I scream her name, and she doesn’t wince when I slap her, and she doesn’t react when I start to cry.
She doesn’t do a goddamned thing.
She doesn’t even tell me it’ll be okay when every single ounce of whatever was left inside my chest is propelled out of me the moment I realize that the very best part of me is dead.
Chapter Two
Will you look for her pink top and the black pleated pants?
my mother asks. She keeps her eyes trained on the paperwork laid out in front of her. The man from the funeral home reaches across the table and points to a spot on the form.
Just a few more pages, Beth,
he says. My mother mechanically signs the forms without question. She’s trying to keep it together until they leave, but I know as soon as they walk out the front door she’ll break down again. It’s only been forty-eight hours, but I can tell just by looking at her that she’s about to experience it all over again.
You would think a person could only die once. You would think you would only find your sister’s lifeless body once. You would think you would only have to watch your mother’s reaction once after finding out her only daughter is dead.
Once is so far from accurate.
It happens repeatedly.
Every single time I close my eyes I see Les’s eyes. Every time my mother looks at me, she’s watching me tell her that her daughter is dead for the second time. For the third time. For the thousandth time. Every time I take a breath or blink or speak, I experience her death all over again. I don’t sit here and wonder if the fact that she’s dead will ever sink in. I sit here and wonder when I’ll stop having to watch her die.
Holder, they need an outfit for her,
my mother repeats again after noticing I haven’t moved. Go to her room and get the pink shirt with the long sleeves. It’s her favorite one, she’d want to wear it.
She knows I don’t want to go into Les’s bedroom any more than she does. I push my chair away from the table and head upstairs. Les is dead,
I mutter to myself. She doesn’t give a shit what she’s wearing.
I pause outside her door, knowing I’ll have to watch her die all over again the moment I open it. I haven’t been in here since I found her and I really had no intention of ever coming back in here.
I walk inside and shut the door behind me, then make my way to her closet. I do my best not to think about it.
Pink shirt.
Don’t think about her.
Long sleeves.
Don’t think about how you would do anything to go back to Saturday night.
Pleated black pants.
Don’t think about how much you fucking hate yourself right now for letting her down.
But I do. I think about it and I become hurt and angry all over again. I grab a fistful of shirts hanging in the closet and rip them as hard as I can off their hangers until they fall to the closet floor. I grip the frame on top of the door and squeeze my eyes shut, listening to the sound of the now empty hangers swinging back and forth. I try to focus on the fact that I’m in here to grab two things and leave, but I can’t move. I can’t stop replaying the moment that I walked into this bedroom and found her.
I fall to my knees on the floor, look over at her bed, and watch her die one more time.
I sit back against the closet door and close my eyes, remaining in this position for however long it takes me to realize that I don’t want to be in here. I turn around and rummage through the shirts that are now on the closet floor until I find the long-sleeved pink one. I look up at the pants hanging from their hangers and I grab a pair of black pleated ones. I toss them to the side and begin to push up from the floor, but immediately sit back down when I see a thick, leather-bound notebook on the bottom shelf of her closet.
I grab it and pull it onto my lap, then lean back against the wall and stare at the cover. I’ve seen this notebook before. It was a gift to her from Dad about three years ago, but Les told me she’d never use it because she knew the notebook was just a request made by her therapist. Les hated therapy, and I was never sure why Mom encouraged her to go. We both went for a while after Mom and Dad split up, but I stopped attending the sessions once they started interfering with junior high football practice. Mom didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t go, but Les continued with the weekly sessions up until two days ago… when her actions made it clear the therapy wasn’t exactly helping.
I flip the notebook open to the first page and it doesn’t surprise me that it’s blank. I wonder, if she had used the notebook like the therapist suggested, would it have made a difference?
I doubt it. I don’t know what could have saved Les from herself. Certainly not a pen and paper.
I pull the pen out of the spiral binding, then press the tip of the pen to the paper and begin to write her a letter. I don’t even know why I’m writing her. I don’t know if she’s in a place where she can see me right now, or if she’s even in a place at all, but in case she can see this… I want her to know how her selfish decision affected me. How hopeless she left me. Literally hopeless. And completely alone. And so, so incredibly sorry.
Chapter Two-and-a-half
Les,
You left your jeans in the middle of your bedroom floor. It looks like you just stepped out of them. It’s weird. Why would you leave your jeans on the floor if you knew what you were about to do? Wouldn’t you at least throw them in the hamper? Did you not think about what would happen after I found you and how someone would eventually have to pick your jeans up and do something with them? Well, I’m not picking them up. And I’m not hanging all your shirts back up, either.
anyway. I’m in your closet. On the floor. I just don’t really know what I want to say to you right now, or what I want to ask you. Of course the only question on everyone else’s mind right now is Why did she do it?
But I’m not going to ask you why you did it for two reasons.
1) You can’t answer me. You’re dead.
2) I don’t know if I really care why you did it. There isn’t anything about your life that would give you a good enough reason to do what you did. And you probably already know that if you can see Mom right now. She’s completely devastated.
You know, I never really knew what it meant to actually be devastated. I thought we were devastated after we lost Hope. What happened to her was definitely tragic for us, but the way we felt was nothing compared to how you’ve made Mom feel. She’s so incredibly devastated; she gives the word a whole new meaning. I wish the use of the word could be restricted to situations like this. It’s absurd that people are allowed to use it to describe anything other than how a mother feels when she loses her child. Because that’s the only situation in this entire world worthy of the term.
Dammit, I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see what was really going on behind your eyes every time you told me you were fine.
So, yeah. Why, Les? Why did you do it?
H
Chapter Two-and-three-quarters
Les,
Well, congratulations. You’re pretty popular. Not only did you fill the parking lot of the funeral home with cars, but you also filled the lot next door and both churches down the street. That’s a lot of cars.
I held it together, though; mostly for Mom’s sake. Dad looked almost as bad as Mom. The whole funeral was really weird. It made me wonder, had you died in a car wreck or from something more mainstream, would people’s reactions have been different? If you hadn’t purposely overdosed (that’s the term Mom prefers), then I think people might have been a little less weird. It was like they were scared of us, or maybe they thought purposely overdosing was contagious. They discussed it like we weren’t even in the same room. So many stares and whispers and pitiful smiles. I just wanted to grab Mom and pull her out of there and protect her from the fact that I knew she was reliving your death with every hug and every tear and every smile.
Of course I couldn’t help but think everyone was acting like they were because they blamed us in a way. I could tell what they were thinking.
How could a family not know this would happen?
How could they not see the signs?
What kind of mother is she?
What kind of brother doesn’t notice how depressed his own twin sister is?
Luckily, once your funeral began, everyone’s focus was momentarily taken off us and placed on the slideshow. There were a lot of pictures of you and me. You were happy in all of them. There were a lot of pictures of you and your friends, and you were happy in all of those, too. Pictures of you with Mom and Dad before the divorce; pictures of you with Mom and Brian after she remarried; pictures of you with Dad and Pamela after he remarried.
But it wasn’t until the very last picture came up on the screen that it hit me. It was the picture of you and me in front of our old house. The one that was taken about six months after Hope went missing? You still had the bracelet on that matched the one you gave her the day she was taken. I noticed you stopped wearing it a couple of years ago, but I’ve never asked about it. I know you don’t really like to talk about her.
Anyway, back to the picture. I had my arm around your neck and we were both laughing and smiling at the camera. It’s the same smile you flashed in all the other pictures. It got me to thinking about how every picture I’ve ever seen of you; you have that same exact, identical smile. There isn’t a single picture of you with a frown on your face. Or a scowl. Or a blank expression. It’s like you spent your whole life trying to keep up this false appearance. For whom, I don’t know. Maybe you were scared that a camera would permanently capture an honest feeling of yours. Because let’s face it, you weren’t happy all the time. All those nights you cried yourself to sleep? All those nights you needed me to hold you while you cried, but you refused to tell me what was wrong? No one with a genuine smile would cry to themselves like that. And I realize you had issues, Les. I knew our life and the things that happened to us affected you differently than they did me. But how was I supposed to know that they were as serious as they were if you never let it show? If you never told me?
Maybe… and I hate to think this. But maybe I didn’t know you. I thought I did, but I didn’t. I don’t think I knew you at all. I knew the girl who cried at night. I knew the girl who smiled in the pictures. But I didn’t know the girl that linked that smile with those tears. I have no idea why you flashed fake smiles, but cried real tears. When a guy loves a girl, especially his sister, he’s supposed to know what makes her smile and what makes her cry.
But I didn’t. And I don’t. So I’m sorry, Les. I’m so sorry I let you go on pretending that you were okay when obviously you were so far from it.
H
Chapter Three
Beth, why don’t you go to bed?
Brian says to my mother. You’re exhausted. Go get some sleep.
My mother shakes her head and continues stirring, despite the pleas from my stepdad for her to take a break. We’ve got enough food in the refrigerator to feed an army, yet she insists on cooking for everyone just so we don’t have to eat the sympathy food, as she refers to it. I’m so sick of fried chicken. It seems to be the go-to meal for anyone dropping food off at the house. I’ve had fried chicken for every meal since the morning after Les died, and that was four days ago.
I walk to the stove and take the spoon out of her hands, then rub her shoulder with my free hand while I stir. She leans against me and sighs. It’s not a good sigh, either. It’s a sigh that all but