This Girl: A Novel
4/5
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About this ebook
Layken and Will’s love has managed to withstand the toughest of circumstances, and the young lovers, now married, are beginning to feel safe and secure in their union. As much as Layken relishes their new life together, she finds herself wanting to know everything there is to know about her husband, even though Will makes it clear he prefers to keep the painful memories of the past where they belong.
Still, he can’t resist his wife’s pleas, and so he begins to untangle his side of the story, revealing for the first time his most intimate feelings and thoughts, retelling both the good and bad moments, and sharing a few shocking confessions of his own from the time when they first met.
In This Girl, Will tells the story of their complicated relationship from his point of view. Their future rests on how well they deal with the past in this final installment of the beloved Slammed series.
Colleen Hoover
Colleen Hoover is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of more than twenty-three novels, including It Starts with Us, It Ends with Us, All Your Perfects, Ugly Love, and Verity. Colleen lives in Texas with her husband and their three boys. For more information, please visit ColleenHoover.com.
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Slammed: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Point of Retreat: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This Girl: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
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Reviews for This Girl
320 ratings29 reviews
What our readers think
Readers find this title to be a wonderful way to wrap up the series. They love the happy ending and how the main characters met each other. The plot is enjoyable and the book is highly recommended. Overall, readers think this is the best book ever and the ending is amazing.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This Was ABSOLUTELY Beautiful ....
I've been sitting for over an hr trying to figure out how to write my review on this book and this series and How I am going to say goodbye to a FANTASTIC Book Couple and I just can't do it. Writing a review would mean I have to say goodbye to Will and Lake and I'm just not ready to do that yet. So I am simply going to Post all of my favorite Quotes from the book.
“But every smile on your face
seems to replace
A memory I'd rather not hold
Each time you laugh, it fills a
void
Each kiss heals another wound
in my soul”
“I can't remember feeling this way... since well, ever. It's new. It's scary. It's exciting. It's nerve-racking. It's calming. It's every single emotion I've ever felt balled up into an intense urge to grab hold of her and never let go.”
“I want her to wait for me. I want her to wait for me so bad. I don’t want to think about her ever allowing anyone bedsides me to love her.”
“You're in love with her, aren't you?" I pause. Am I? I sign and clasp my hands behind my head, not sure what to say. "I'm trying so hard not to be," I say quietly, admitting it to myself for the first time.”
“She rolls her eyes. 'Will, this date is going to be my suck for the day if you don't become a little more talkative.'
I laugh. 'Yes, we're going to Club N9NE. Yes, we're going to dinner first. Yes, I wrote a slam for you. Yes, we're leaving the club early so we can go back to my house and hardcore make out in the dark.'
'You just became my sweet,' she says.”
“Those are the hardest pieces of all to accept.
The pieces of our puzzle
That just don't belong”
“Before I love you can come out of my mouth again, the front door swings open and Julia walks outside. "We're going to have to set some ground rules," she says. There's more amusement in her voice than anger or annoyance.
"Sorry, Julia," I yell over my shoulder. I turn back to Lake and kiss her one last time, then take a step away from her. "It's just that I'm madly in love with your daughter!"
"Yeah." Julia laughs. "I can see that.”
“I hold still against her, taking one final look at this amazing, beautiful girl beneath me. "You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to my life," I whisper.”
“I love her. I know she loves me. And despite what Julia thinks is good for us, I want her to wait for me. We need to be together. We have to be together. If I don't stop her from walking away right now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.”
“She doesn't speak, but she doesn't have to. I know in these moments, when it's just her and me and nothing else, that she truly, soul-deep loves me.”
“I love you so damn much, it hurts.' I force my lips against hers, then pull away just as fast. 'But it hurts in a really good way.”
“This is it, Lake," I say pointing back and forth between us. "It's real now. I'm not walking away from you again. Ever."
Her eyes fill with tears. "Promise?" she whispers.
"I swear. I love you so much."
A tear rolls down her cheek. "Say it again," she whispers.”
“You want to know my sweet?" I ask her/
She nods.
I kiss her on the forehead. "You. Always you.”
“COMPLETELY.
Utterly.
Frozen.
My eyes drop to the table in front of me when she finishes. Her words are sinking in.
A boy that I'm seriously, deeply, madly, incredibly, and undeniably in love with.
In love with?
That's what she said.
In love with. As in present tense.
She loves me. Layken Cohen loves me.”
“Then this girl completely shatters the window to my soul and crawls inside.”
“You, baby girl. You’re my final piece.” - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I loved all of the parts that were fresh and new from Will's POV but the other parts basically felt like I was rereading Slammed. Loved that epilogue though!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
I have fallen in Love with everything I have read from Colleen so far and I wasn't disappointed with "This Girl". I am a huge fan of the Slammed series and fall in love with the characters.
What is life like after the wedding and you finally know you are where your suppose to be? That is what we get to find out in This Girl. What I enjoyed about this book is that we get to relive some of the best parts of Slammed and Point of Retreat from Wills point of view while still moving forward with their story. We get a deeper look in to Will before he met Lake and how he feels right at the moment. These two have had a hard life but they get the happily ever after that they deserve and they don't have to call Retreat anymore. This story revealed some new information that doesn't sit well with Lake and he has to learn to move on from Wills past to move on to their Future. Having Lake asking Will to retell how they met is sweet and you can see how Much they love each other.
I was sad finishing the book knowing that I had to say goodbye to some of my favorite characters but it was worth it in the end. All good things must come to an end right? I would love to see how Kel and Caulder grow up and get a look at how developed with a Brother and Sister raising them.
I received this book from the Publisher through Netgalley for my honest review. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A perfect conclusion to the series. Well written and great book.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5It's not so good. It's a bit boring. I do not recommend
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/53.5. Some of the details don't quite line up with the original story from SLAMMED. And it rambles at times. But a nice wrap up to the series.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Son unhappy with this book!!I enjoyed the first two of the series however this book was VERY repetitive. I returned it when I was about halfway through. I could not handle it.I have two other books by C. Hoover I was looking to read however, I’m just not sure now.Save your time!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loved seeing everything unfold through Will’s perspective! Such a wonderful way to wrap up the series! Lake & Will were destined to be! Couldn’t be more pleased with the ending!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I can't belive this is the last one. It is really difficult for me say goodbye to Will and Lake and all z gang. But I am happy everone got a happy ending. I really love this book so much. Thanks Colleen Hoover.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Sad to see the end to such a great series but what an amazing end it was! This series one to keep on your shelf and reread!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I didn't think it was possible to love Lake and Will any more than I already do. I was wrong. I love everything about these characters. This book is Will POV of his story with Lake. He is telling it to her on their honeymoon. It is amazing and the small reveals only add to the intensity of this love story. The epilogue was wonderful and leaves me with hope that one day we will get to revisit these book people when Colleen writes a book for each of the boys. (Please!)
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5THIS BOOK WAS AMAZING ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAV. From Colleen Hoover
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5What can I say about this book that wasn't reflected in my progress statuses or the amazon tweets?
I loved Slammed. I loved Point of Retreat. I butterflying loved Hopeless (unrelated to Slammed, I know), so why wouldn't I love This Girl?
I think Colleen did a fantastic job reminiscing Slammed from Will's point of view. He's even more swoony than he was when I first read Slammed. And I would've never thought that possible.
And the end of the epilogue crushed my soul in such a good, sweet way. Love HEAs. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The only suck... No Avett Brothers Lyrics
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Beautiful? Extraordinary? Incredible? Butterflying Amazing? Those word are not even strong enough to describe my thoughts!
"I love you Will Cooper."
"I love you Layken Cooper."
This story is told from Will's perspective while on their honeymoon and after they have passed the infamous Point of Retreat. Lake and Will are laying in bed discussing his take on past events that have made lasting impacts on their relationship. The story switches from past to present, which works out great. We were given just enough of the past without it being a complete repeat of the first two books. We also get to learn things about Will we didn't know before. There were more heartwarming surprises from Julia and a couple of new slam poems from Will that had me crying my eyes out by last page. I love Will. I love how much he loves Lake. I love their story! Perfection. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I think the purpose of this book in the series can be summed up by the last three chapters. This book again, was to give us insight into Will's mind at various points of the relationship, but wasn't that supposed to be the job of Point of Retreat? I'm confused. I love Colleen Hoover, I plan on reading anything else she publishes, but this, just as Point of Retreat, fell flat for me.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Will Cooper is perfect. That is all I can say right now.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I was so excited to get this book, as I read through the first two in the Slammed series rather quickly.I am a little dissapointed. I find the premise sweet that Will is telling his take on their relationship. However I feel it had a lot of Deja vu moments. I feel that someone could pick up This Girl and never have to read the other two, but will still know what is going on. Do I think they would miss out on the other two books, ABSOLUTLY as I enjoyed them.This was a decent end to the series.My Suck: I felt it was an over view of the other two books.My Sweet: The last slam Will wrote: " As just one small piece to the puzzle that makes up our entire life. It's up to us to find all of our pieces that fit. These pieces that connect who we are with who were were."
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"This Girl" is the latest installment of the best selling Slammed series, a YA that offers the author's fans, a love story, with heartache combined with excellent poetry.Will Cooper is a student teacher at a high school. He has legal care of his brother since their parents died. His last girlfriend moved out because she didn't want partial responsibility of caring for Will's brother.A girl moves in across the street and Will is immediately attracted to her. He asks her out to a poetry slam and things seems as if they will lead to a romantic relationship. Then he sees her at his high school and a complication arises.The story is told from Will's point of view and is done professionally and intelligently.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This Girl is Will's version of his love affair with Lake from the first moment he saw her up to their honeymoon. I had not read the three previous books about Lake and Will before reading this book, I will definitely read them now. I loved this story, it was just sweet sweet love tinged with the agony of separation. The characters are so endearing and really well defined. I am so glad I was given this book to review. I loved This Girl.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/55 stars in my opinion does not do this book justice. I sat down with this book late last night and finished it today. Colleen Hoover is a genius!! The way it is written in Wills perspective but you aren't just re-reading the story was so awesome. To know how he was feeling in those moments and then turn the page and know exactly what Lake was feeling all at the same time. I've read a lot of books over the past year but this series by far is one of the best! In this girl, you got to feel all the emotions of Slammed and Point of Retreat. What an wonderful book!!!!!!!!
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Very boring. Wills POV of the first book, but the first book made it obvious about what he was thinking already so it was very repetitive. It was just the same as the first book. The last three chapters are the only ones that further the story line.
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- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5THE BEST BOOK EVER! THE ENDING IS AMAZING DONT THINK TWICE READ IT!
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- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5OMG! OMG! OMG! I. CAN. NOT.EXPRESS. MY. LOVE. FOR. THIS. BOOK. ENOUGH.Plot: I can even… I don’t even know where to start. (Collects thoughts.) Okay, lets see if I can put this out there without turning to a blubbering mess. Will. This is all him baby. And even though this story has already been told through Layken, Will’s side is so much better. Because their story can’t be complete without both sides. Will’s story starts from the beginning of when he lost his parents till now. It’s beautifully told with so much emotion, I gulped it down like a man parched for water. My eyes did not leave the page till there was no more words to be read.Love: Well course you know its about Will and Layken, duh! But what you don’t know are his thoughts. What he saw Layken as. More importantly, who Layken was to him. Every time Will recalled a memory of Layken whether is be good or bad, she changed him. And that’s is the power of true love.Ending: Seriously? BEST. ENDING. EVER. Once the story line catches up to the timeline as where Will and Layken are at, it’s…gosh there are no words for it other than its beautiful. I re-read the last paragraph a few times just cause I wanted to re-live that emotional high it gave me. Tears feel down my cheek and made me smile so hard.A story that is captivating yet loving, This Girl sets many high standards. Impeccably written with deep emotions weaved into every single line, This Girl proves to be extraordinary in every way. Thoughtful and remarkable, This Girl I will never forget.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Newlyweds Will and Layken are on their honeymoon and are reminiscing about how they first met, fell in love, and wound up married. Will is telling the story though his eyes and while Layken listens to his version, she gets to see things differently. She also finds out some truths she never knew as some painful memories are brought to light.When these two first met, they didn't know that Will was to be Layken's teacher, so that apparently caused some drama in the lovebirds lives. It turned into the "we want to be together, but we can't" storyline. Of course, love conquers all, and they get their happily ever after, but not after going through some tough times first.I have not read the first two in this series, but this installment seemed like it was memories from the previous books, all given through Will's point of view as flashbacks. I enjoyed This Girl enough and after reading it, I don't feel the need to read the first in the series as this seems like it took all the main parts of the story and retold them neatly. I think die hard fans of the first two books might enjoy this third one as kind of a 'wrap up' installment. Especially for those who read and loved the first two books and are experiencing the dreaded book withdrawal syndrome and need a dose of their favorite characters to take the edge off.I would read Colleen Hoover again, I enjoyed her style of storytelling. She had me laughing out loud during some scenes and sighing during others. She captures Will's voice nicely too and I liked that this book was narrated by the hero. The romance was sweet. Will is a nice guy, he's a teacher, raises his little brother, writes poetry and is devoted to Layken. Layken annoyed me sometimes, but of course she is only eighteen and some of her actions seemed overly dramatic.All in all, This Girl was a nice dose of contemporary new adult romance.disclaimer:This review is my honest opinion. I did not receive any type of compensation for reading and reviewing this book. While I receive free books from publishers and authors, such as this one, I am under no obligation to write a positive review. I received a free copy of This Girl from the publisher.
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- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This review is going to be short, sweet and to the point…
I was blown away by Will’s side of things. I had forgotten little tid-bits that he reminded me of. What is there to not love about the way he adored Layken? The way Colleen told this story from Will’s point of view was ingenious! It could not have been done in a better way. I always worry about reading the same story, but from a different character. I get bored easily. I didn’t here. I was touched and now love Slammed and Point of Retreat even more than I already did. Will’s love for Layken showed no bounds. I don’t think their story would have been complete without getting his thoughts and actions. I thank Colleen for giving us this conclusion to a story that will stay with many of us for a long time. I will forever be in awe of Will and Layken.1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This Girl is a good end to the series, and it really earned its four stars. Much of the novel is simply Slammed from Will's point of view (originally we got Layken's), cleverly revealed as Layken asks Will (mostly but not entirely during their first weekend as man and wife) what various events from their first months together were like for him. Much of what happens we saw in book one, of course, but this time we get to see things from Will's perspective so we're also privy to some scenes, events, and conversations that Layken knew nothing about originally. We also understand more of Will's reasoning and motivation (although all along in this series I've identified more with his character than with Layken's, so much of this wasn't news to me) throughout. We do get to see Will and Lake's wedding, glimpses of their honeymoon (it's fairly PG-13), and some of what comes after. The ending is all new, and definitely squee-worthy.One of the more satisfying parts of this book is the fact that Layken finally, finally is able to understand what Will was going through in book one. Throughout the series, this is what's kept me from giving the book five stars--Layken's inability to really "get" why Will had to make the choices he makes. As a teacher and a single parent myself, it was just so frustrating for me to see her seemingly unable to put herself in his shoes for even a little while. I had to keep reminding myself of her young age, but still. If she wanted to be treated like an adult, she needed to be able to act and think like one. Until she reached that point, it did make me a little crazy listen to Will berate himself for being an a**hole when really I wanted to applaud him for making the right decision and shake her for not getting that he was. I listened to this one on audio, and was very glad that even though both books two and three were from Will's POV that the powers that be decided to go with a different narrator for this one. I liked his version of Will so much better--for one thing, "Caulder" actually sounded like "Caulder", whereas the other narrator made it sound like "Carter". Drove me crazy. Plus, this narrator gave Lake a Texan accent, which was kind of cute.Definitely four stars. Recommended to those who enjoyed books one and two. I guess it's possible that this one could be read without the other two, but the experience would definitely be missing something.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Not horrible, but pretty much a rehash of the other 2 books. The epilogue was the only real reason to read it.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5It pains me to write this review as well as give it the rating I do because I LOVED Colleen Hoover’s Slammed. I knew This Girl was going to be Will’s point-of-view, but what I didn’t expect was to read Slammed all over again. If I wanted to reread it, I would have just picked up my copy and saved the $8 I paid.Colleen Hoover’s This Girl is the highly anticipated third book in the Slammed series. Will and Lake are now married and are on their honeymoon. One night, they are reminiscing on how they met and Lake asks Will to tell her what his first impression of her was. Will reluctantly agrees and along the way Lake discovers Will has been harboring a few secrets of his own.As far as characterization goes, Lake come off as bratty. I hoped she would have grown up, but no we have her pouting and throwing a temper tantrum in one scene because Will mentions having gone on one date with another girl AFTER they realized they couldn’t be together because of his job. Sorry Lake, how is this any different than you agreeing to be set by Eddie? You can’t have it both ways, asking Will to tell you about what happened during the time you were apart and not like what he says. Now if I could take a moment to address the narrative. It felt off. It read almost as if this wasn’t the Will we got in Point of Retreat. He’s mature and responsible and yet in This Girl when he’s talking to Lake between reminiscing scenes, something is off. I can’t put my finger on it.There were a few plot holes mostly with regards to certain scenes not mirroring the original. I’m thinking primarily, the scene where Lake in class reads the poem “Mean” and in Slammed she asks Will if it has to rhyme and he says no, but in This Girl she asks if there’s a time minimum. Also when they first attend a slam reading, it’s always been assumed they were there for a few readings before Will takes the stage and in This Girl, it makes it seem they were there longer than a few performances. Another that comes to mind is the whole Lake / Javi incident when she’s called to recount the incident involving Will’s fight. Her account just doesn’t mirror the original. There were a few other scenes, but these stood out.What I did like were the Julia parts and Will talking to her. I always liked Julia and I know she wanted the best for Lake and to see her talk to Will in scenes where we thought she disliked him was eye opening and lovely. While the epilogue made me angry because I wanted Will and Lake to be alone for a few years without more added responsibility, the fact that Julia thought of everything and left another set of notes left me in tears. Although, I do have to question how much Hoover was inspired by PS I Love You and the notes left by Gerry to Holly.I debated with the rating and decided on a two instead of a one because of the Julia scenes. Julia has always been the heart of Slammed and what ultimately brings Will and Lake together. I do feel a lot of what I read in This Girl could have been addressed in Point of Retreat and it would have wrapped up the series nicely. On another note, I’m not one to shy away with a sex scene, but I really didn’t need to read how many times Lake and Will got on between story telling time.If you’ve never read Colleen Hoover’s Slammed, then you’re in luck. Feel free to pick between the two, otherwise save your money and don’t bother with This Girl.
Book preview
This Girl - Colleen Hoover
This Girl
A Novel
Colleen Hoover
#1 New York Times Bestselling Author of It Ends With Us
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This Girl, by Colleen Hoover, AtriaFor my mother
1.
the honeymoon
IF I TOOK every romantic poem, every book, every song, and every movie I’ve ever read, heard, or seen and extracted the breathtaking moments, somehow bottling them up, they would pale in comparison to this moment.
This moment is incomparable.
She’s lying on her side facing me, her elbow tucked under her head, her other hand stroking the back of mine that’s lying between us on the bed. Her hair is spread out across the pillow, spilling down her shoulder and across her neck. She’s staring at her fingers as they move in circles over my hand. I’ve known her almost two years now, and I’ve never seen her this content. She’s no longer solely carrying the weight that’s been her life for the last two years, and it shows. It’s almost as if the moment we said I do
yesterday, the hardships and heartaches we faced as individuals were meshed, making our pasts lighter and easier to carry. From this point on I’ll be able to do that for her. Should there be any more burdens I’ll be able to carry them for her. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do for this girl since the moment I first laid eyes on her.
She glances up at me and smiles, then laughs and buries her face in the pillow.
I lean over her and kiss her on the neck. What’s so funny?
She lifts her face off the pillow—her cheeks a deeper shade of red. She shakes her head and laughs. Us,
she says. It’s only been twenty-four hours and I’ve already lost count.
I kiss her scarlet cheek and laugh. I’m done with counting, Lake. I’ve had about all the countdowns I can handle for a lifetime.
I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her on top of me. When she leans in to kiss me, her hair falls between us. I reach to the nightstand and grab her rubber band, then twist her hair into a knot behind her head and secure it. There,
I say, pulling her face back to mine. Better.
She was adamant about having the robes, but we haven’t once used them. Her ugly shirt has been on the floor since I threw it there last night. Needless to say, this has been the best twenty-four hours of my life.
She kisses down my jaw and traces a trail with her lips up to my ear. You hungry?
she whispers.
Not for food.
She pulls back and grins. We’ve still got another twenty-four hours to go, you know. If you want to keep up with me you need to replenish your energy. Besides, we somehow missed lunch today.
She rolls off me, reaches into the nightstand, and pulls out the room service menu.
No burgers,
I say.
She rolls her eyes and laughs. You’ll never get over that.
She scrolls the menu and points at it with her finger, holding it up. What about beef Wellington? I’ve always wanted to try that.
Sounds good,
I say, inching closer to her. She picks up the phone to dial room service. The whole time she’s on the phone I kiss up and down her back, forcing her to stifle her laughs as she tries to maintain her composure while ordering. When she hangs up the phone, she slides underneath me and pulls the covers over us.
You have twenty minutes,
she whispers. Think you can handle that?
I only need ten.
THE BEEF WELLINGTON did not disappoint. The only issue now is that we’re too stuffed and too tired to move. We’ve turned the TV on for the first time since I walked her over the threshold, so I think it’s safe to say we’re due for at least a two-hour break.
Our legs are intertwined and her head is on my chest. I’m running my fingers through her hair with one hand and stroking her wrist with the other. Somehow trivial things like lying in bed watching TV have become euphoric when we’re tangled together like this.
Will?
She pulls herself up onto her elbow and looks at me. Can I ask you something?
She runs her hand across my chest, then rests it on top of my heart.
I do about twelve laps a day on the University track, plus one hundred sit-ups twice a day,
I say. She arches an eyebrow, so I point to my stomach. Weren’t you asking about my abs?
She laughs and playfully punches me. "No, I wasn’t asking about your abs. She leans down and kisses me on the stomach.
They are nice, though."
I stroke her cheek and pull her gaze back to mine. Ask me anything, babe.
She sighs and drops her elbow and lays her head back onto the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. Do you ever feel guilty?
she says quietly. For feeling this happy?
I scoot closer to her and lay my arm across her stomach. Lake. Don’t ever feel guilty. This is exactly what they’d want for you.
She looks at me and forces a smile. I know it’s what they’d want for me. I just… I don’t know. If I could take back everything that happened, I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant I could have them back. But doing that would mean I never would have met you. So sometimes I feel guilty because I…
I press my fingers to her lips. Shh,
I say. "Don’t think like that, Lake. Don’t think about what ifs. I lean in and kiss her on the forehead.
But I do know what you mean if that helps. It’s counterproductive thinking about it, though. It is what it is."
She takes her hand in mine and intertwines our fingers, then brings them to her mouth and kisses the back of my hand. My dad would have loved you.
"My mom would have loved you," I say.
She smiles. One more thing about the past, then I’ll stop bringing it up.
She looks at me with a slightly evil grin on her face. I’m so glad that bitch Vaughn dumped you.
I laugh. No doubt.
She smiles and releases her fingers from mine. She turns toward me on the bed and looks at me. I pull her hand to my mouth and kiss the inside of her palm.
Do you think you would have married her?
I laugh and roll my eyes. Seriously, Lake? Do you really want to talk about this right now?
She smiles sheepishly at me. I’m just curious. We’ve never really talked about the past before. Now that I know you aren’t going anywhere, I feel more comfortable talking about it. Besides, there are a lot of things I want to know about you,
she says. Like how it felt when she broke up with you like she did.
That’s an odd thing to want to hear about on your honeymoon.
She shrugs her shoulders. I just want to know everything about you. I’ve already got your future, now I want to get to know your past. Besides,
she grins. We’ve got a couple of hours to kill before your energy is fully replenished. What else are we going to do?
I’m too exhausted to move right now and as much as I can pretend I’m not keeping count, nine times in twenty-four hours must be some sort of record. I roll over onto my stomach and prop a pillow under my chin, and then begin to tell her my story.
the breakup
GOODNIGHT, CAULDER.
I flip off the light and hope he doesn’t crawl out of bed again. It’s our third night with it being just the two of us here. He was too scared to sleep by himself last night so I let him sleep with me. I’m hoping it doesn’t become a habit, but I would completely understand if it did.
I still can’t wrap my head around all that’s happened in the last two weeks, much less the decisions I’ve made. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I know my parents want us to be together, I just don’t think they approve of my dropping my scholarship to make it happen.
Why do I keep referring to them in the present tense?
This is really going to be an adjustment. I make my way into my bedroom and drop onto the bed. I’m too exhausted to even reach over and turn off the lamp. As soon as I close my eyes, there’s a light tap on my bedroom door.
Caulder, you’ll be fine. Go back to sleep,
I say, somehow dragging myself off the bed again to coax him back to his room. He has successfully slept alone for seven years; I know he’s capable of doing it again.
Will?
The door opens and Vaughn walks in. I had no idea she was coming over tonight, but I’m thankful she’s here. She seems to know exactly when I need her the most. I walk to her and close the bedroom door, then wrap my arms around her.
Hey,
I say. What are you doing here? I thought you were heading back to campus today.
She places her hands on my forearms and pushes back, giving me the most pitiful smile I’ve ever seen. She walks over to my bed and sits, avoiding eye contact the entire time. We need to talk.
The look on her face sends a chill up the back of my neck. I’ve never seen her look so distraught before. I immediately sit on the bed beside her and bring her hand to my mouth and kiss it. What’s wrong? You okay?
I brush a loose strand of hair behind her ear just as the tears begin to fall. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest. Vaughn, what’s wrong? Tell me.
She doesn’t say anything. She continues to cry so I give her a moment. Sometimes girls just need to cry. When the tears finally begin to subside, she straightens back up and takes my hands, but still doesn’t look me in the eyes.
Will…
She pauses. The way she says my name, the tone of her voice… it sends panic straight to my heart. She looks up at me but can’t hold her stare, so she turns away.
Vaughn?
I say hesitantly, hoping I’m misreading her. I place my hand on her chin and pull her gaze back in my direction. The fear in my voice is clear when I speak. What are you doing, Vaughn?
She almost looks relieved that I seem to have caught on to her intentions. She shakes her head. I’m sorry, Will. I’m so sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. This? She can’t do this anymore? When did we become a this? I don’t respond. What the hell do I say to that?
She senses the shock in my demeanor, so she squeezes my hands and whispers it again. I’m so sorry.
I pull away and stand up, turning away from her. I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. The anger building inside me is suddenly coupled by tears that I have no intention of letting her see.
I just didn’t expect any of this, Will. I’m too young to be a mom. I’m not ready for this kind of responsibility.
She’s really doing this. She’s really breaking up with me. Two weeks after my parents die and she’s breaking my heart all over again? Who does that? She’s not thinking straight. It’s just shock… that’s all. I turn around and face her, not caring that she can see how much this is affecting me.
I didn’t expect this either,
I say. It’s okay, you’re just scared.
I sit back down on the bed beside her and pull her to me. "I’m not asking you to be his mom, Vaughn. I’m not asking you to be anything right now. I squeeze her tighter and press my lips against her forehead; an action that immediately causes her to start crying again.
Don’t do this, I whisper into her hair.
Don’t do this to me. Not right now."
She turns her head away from me. If I don’t do this now, I’ll never be able to do it.
She stands up and tries to walk away, but I pull her back to me and wrap my arms around her waist, pressing my head against her stomach.
Please.
She runs her hands over my hair and down my neck, then bends forward and kisses the top of my head. I feel awful, Will,
she whispers. "Awful. But I’m not about to live a life that I’m not ready for, just because I feel sorry for you."
I press my forehead against her shirt and close my eyes, soaking in her words.
She feels sorry for me?
I release my arms from around her and push against her stomach. She drops her hands and takes a step back. I stand up and walk to the bedroom door, holding it open, indicating she needs to leave. The last thing I want is your pity,
I say, looking her in the eyes.
Will, don’t,
she pleads. Please don’t be mad at me.
She’s looking up at me with tears in her eyes. When she cries, her eyes turn a glossy, deep shade of blue. I used to tell her they were the exact same color as the ocean. Looking into her eyes right now almost makes me despise the ocean.
I turn away from her and grip both sides of the door, pressing my head against the wood. I close my eyes and try to hold it in. It feels like the pressure, the stress, the emotions that have been building up for the last two weeks—it feels like I’m about to explode.
She gently places her hand on my shoulder in an attempt to console me. I shrug it off and turn around to face her again. "Two weeks, Vaughn! I yell. I realize how loud I’m being, so I lower my voice and step closer to her.
They’ve been dead for two weeks! How could you possibly be thinking about yourself right now?"
She walks past me through the doorway, toward the living room. I follow her as she grabs her purse from the couch and walks to the front door. She opens the door and turns to face me before she leaves. You’ll thank me for this one day, Will. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but someday you’ll know I’m doing what’s best for us.
She turns to leave and I yell after her, "What’s best for you, Vaughn! You’re doing what’s best for you!"
As soon as the door closes behind her I break down. I rush back to my bedroom and slam the door, then turn around and punch it over and over, harder and harder. When I can’t feel my hand anymore, I squeeze my eyes shut and press my forehead against the door. I’ve had so much to process these past two weeks—I don’t know how to process this, too.
What the hell has happened to my life?
I eventually make my way back to the bed and sit with my elbows on my knees, head in my hands. My mom and dad are smiling at me from the confines of the glass frame on my nightstand, watching me unfold. Watching as the culmination of all that has happened these last two weeks slowly tears me apart.
Why weren’t they better prepared for something like this? Why would they risk leaving me with all of this responsibility? Their ill-preparedness has cost me my scholarship, the love of my life, and now, quite possibly, my entire future. I snatch the picture up and place my thumbs over their photograph. With all my force, I squeeze until the glass cracks between my fingertips. Once it’s successfully shattered—just like my life—I rare back and throw it as hard as I can against the wall in front of me. The frame breaks in two when it meets the wall and shards of glass sprinkle the carpet.
I’m reaching over to turn off my lamp when my bedroom door opens again.
"Just leave, Vaughn. Please."
I look up and see Caulder standing in the doorway, crying. He looks terrified. It’s the same look I’ve seen so many times since the moment our parents died. It’s the same look he had when I hugged him good-bye at the hospital and made him leave with my grandparents. It’s the same look that rips my heart in two every time I see it.
It’s a look that immediately brings me back down to earth.
I wipe my eyes and motion for him to come closer. When he does, I wrap my arms around him and pull him onto my lap, then hug him while he quietly cries into my shirt. I rock him back and forth and stroke his hair. I kiss him on the forehead and pull him closer.
Want to sleep with me again tonight, Buddy?
2.
the honeymoon
WOW,
LAKE SAYS in disbelief. What a selfish bitch.
Yeah. Thank God for that,
I say. I clasp my hands together behind my head and look up at the ceiling, mirroring Lake’s position on the bed. It’s funny how history almost repeated itself.
What do you mean?
"Think about it. Vaughn broke up with me because she didn’t want to be with me just because she felt sorry for me. You broke up with me because you thought I was with you because I felt sorry for you."
I didn’t break up with you,
she says defensively.
I laugh and sit up on the bed. The hell you didn’t! Your exact words were, ‘I don’t care if it takes days, or weeks, or months.’ That’s a breakup.
It was not. I was giving you time to think.
Time I didn’t need.
I lie back down on my pillow and face her again. It sure felt like a breakup.
Well,
she says, looking at me. Sometimes two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.
I take her hand and rest it between us, then stroke the back of it with my thumb. Let’s not fall apart again,
I whisper.
She looks me in the eyes. Never.
There’s vulnerability in the way she looks at me in silence. Her eyes scroll over my face and her mouth is curled up into a slight grin. She doesn’t speak, but she doesn’t have to. I know in these moments, when it’s just her and me and nothing else, that she truly, soul-deep loves me.
What was it like the first time you saw me?
she asks. What was it about me that made you want to ask me out? And tell me everything, even the bad thoughts.
I laugh. "There weren’t any bad thoughts. Naughty thoughts, maybe. But not bad."
She grins. Well then tell me those, too.
the introduction
I HOLD THE phone to my ear with my shoulder and finish buttoning my shirt. I promise, Grandma,
I say into the phone. I’m leaving straight from work on Friday. We’ll be there by five but right now we’re running late, I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.
She says her good-byes and I hang up the phone. Caulder walks through the living room with his backpack slung across his shoulder and a green, plastic army helmet on his head. He’s always trying to sneak random accessories to school. Last week when I dropped him off, he was out of the car before I even noticed he was wearing a holster.
I reach out and snatch the helmet off his head and toss it onto the couch. Caulder, go get in the car. I’ve got to grab my stuff.
Caulder heads outside and I scramble to gather all the papers scattered across the bar. I was up past midnight grading. I’ve only been teaching eight weeks now, but I’m beginning to understand why there’s a teacher shortage. I shove the stack of papers inside my binder, then shove it into my satchel and head outside.
"Great," I mutter as soon as I see the U-Haul backing up across the street. This is the third family to move into that house in less than a year. I’m not in the mood to help people move again, especially after only four hours of sleep. I hope they’ll be finished unloading by the time I get home today, or I’ll feel obligated to help. I turn around and lock the door behind me, then quickly head for the car. When I open the car door, Caulder isn’t inside. I groan and throw my stuff in the seat. He always picks the worst times to play hide-and-seek; we’re already ten minutes late.
I glance in the backseat, hoping he’s hiding in the floorboard again, but I catch sight of him in the street. He’s laughing and playing with another little boy who looks about his age. This is a plus. Maybe having a neighbor to play with will get him out of my hair more often.
I start to call his name when the U-Haul catches my eye again. The girl driving can’t be any older than me, yet she’s confidently backing up the U-Haul without any help. I lean against my car door and decide to watch her attempt to navigate that thing around those gnomes. This should be interesting.
I’m quickly proven wrong and she’s parked in the driveway in no time flat. Rather than hop out to inspect her parking job, she kills the engine and rolls down her window, then props her leg up on the dash.
I don’t know why these simple actions strike me as odd. Intriguing, even. She drums her fingers on the steering wheel, then reaches up and tugs at her hair, letting down her ponytail. Her hair spills down around her shoulders and she massages her scalp, shaking her hair out.
Holy hell.
Her gaze falls on the boys playing in the street between us, and I can’t help but let my curiosity get the best of me. Is she his sister? His mom? She doesn’t look old enough to have a child that age, but I’m also at a visual disadvantage being all the way across the street. And why is she just sitting in the U-Haul?
I realize I’ve been staring for several minutes when someone pulls up beside her in a Jeep.
Please don’t let it be a guy,
I whisper aloud to myself, hoping it’s not a boyfriend. Or worse, a husband.
Why would I even care? The last thing I need right now is a distraction. Especially someone who lives right across the street.
I breathe a surprising sigh of relief when the person who steps out of the Jeep isn’t a man. She’s an older woman, maybe her mother. The woman shuts her door and walks up to greet the landlord, who’s standing in the entryway. Before I can talk myself out of it, I’m walking toward their house. I suddenly have the urge to help people move today, after all. I cross the