Crazy English
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About this ebook
Richard Lederer
Richard Lederer is the author of more than 30 books about language, history, and humor, including his best-selling Anguished English series and his current book, Presidential Trivia. He has been profiled in magazines as diverse as The New Yorker, People, and the National Enquirer and frequently appears on radio as a commentator on language. Dr. Lederer's syndicated column, "Looking at Language," appears in newspapers and magazines throughout the United States. He has been named International Punster of the Year and Toastmasters International's Golden Gavel winner.
Read more from Richard Lederer
Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pun and Games: Jokes, Riddles, Daffynitions, Tairy Fales, Rhymes, and More Word Play for Kids Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Miracle of Language Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Cunning Linguist: Ribald Riddles, Lascivious Limericks, Carnal Corn, and Other Good, Clean Dirty Fun Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Play of Words Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5American Trivia: What We Should All Know About U.S. History, Culture & Geography Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Comma Sense: A Fun-damental Guide to Punctuation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5American Trivia Quiz Book Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSleeping Dogs Don't Lay: Practical Advice For The Grammatically Challenged Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Richard Lederer's Classic Literary Trivia: From Mythology, Shakespeare, and the Bible Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Richard Lederer's Literary Trivia Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPuns Spooken Here: Word Play for Halloween Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
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Reviews for Crazy English
17 ratings6 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Mostly harmless.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A must-read for those fascinated by the English language and words! Hard to put down once you start.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5the coolest book ever... i laughed.. i smiled ... then hey... he is right all right ..
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I love all his books, this is no exception.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Successful as a conversation piece, best placed on the coffee table. Best read in short spurts, about once a month, due to some repetition and unexpected pages of drudgery. Still, interesting as advertised, but not very memorable for me. I'm leaving it out for others to leaf through.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5I can't really put my finger on _why_ I find this such a badly written book. Something in its tone makes me want to shred it to pieces.
Book preview
Crazy English - Richard Lederer
CRAZY ENGLISH
THE ULTIMATE JOY RIDE THROUGH OUR LANGUAGE
Richard Lederer
Brigid Pearson
Stanley S. Drate
Folio Graphics Co. Inc.
POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
DON’T MISS THE ENTERTAINING ANTICS OF
BESTSELLING AUTHOR RICHARD LEDERER
FRACTURED ENGLISH
THE WRITE WAY
A Guide to Real-Life Writing
ADVENTURES
OF A VERBIVORE
THE MIRACLE
OF LANGUAGE
THE PLAY OF WORDS
Fun & Games for Language Lovers
Available from Pocket Books
PRAISE FOR
CRAZY ENGLISH
and Richard Lederer’s
Other Rollicking Books
"CRAZY ENGLISH is a gem."
—San Francisco Chronicle
Lederer beguiles and bedazzles.
—Los Angeles Times
"CRAZY ENGLISH is great fun."
—Pittsburgh Press
Hot dog! In a nutshell, Lederer is pleasing as punch.
—Indianapolis Star
"For sheer fun, you couldn’t find a nicer gift than CRAZY ENGLISH by Richard Lederer."
—James J. Kilpatrick
Holy cow! English has never been better.
—Minneapolis Star Tribune
"CRAZY ENGLISH? Crazy like a fox, this man Lederer. Ours is a language that reveals its secrets in winks, allusions, sighs, and giggles. Richard Lederer, being a genius, has taken the giggle road. Don’t be bothered that you will laugh from the first page of the book to the last—at the end you will be better equipped to convey exactly what you mean, however serious the subject may be."
—Willard Espy
A joyride…. Lederer celebrates the semantic antics of our language.
—Boston Herald
THE WRITE WAY
An entertaining, clearly written, concise guide to writing…. Ideal for anyone who wants to be a better writer.
—The Times Record (Brunswick, ME)
This commonsense approach to good writing belongs on every library shelf…. Anyone familiar with Lederer’s previous books on the use and abuse of the English language will not be surprised by the abundance of humor used on these pages to lighten what might otherwise be a very dreary topic.
—Kliatt
ADVENTURES OF A VERBIVORE
"Adventures of a Verbivore should be required reading for all students of English 101, and language lovers in general."
—Barbara Samson Mills, Baltimore Sun
Lederer leads us on joyous forays…. He knows how to entertain while educating and is dedicated to the fascinating history of the words we use to communicate—and to the recording of our unintentional and often very funny misspeaks and miswrites.
—Judyth Rigler, San Antonio Express News
"[Adventures of a Verbivore is] for anyone who savors language, enjoys puzzles and word games, is frustrated with learning vocabulary and grammar—or is in danger of forgetting the joy or just the simple fun of language."
—Kirkus Reviews
THE MIRACLE OF LANGUAGE
Richard Lederer has done it again—another delightful, witty, and hugely absorbing celebration of the English language. Is there no stopping the man?
—Bill Bryson, author of Made in America
"Wise and engaging…. With The Miracle of Language, Lederer, America’s foremost wag of words, has also become a sage…. That is not to say Lederer has abandoned humor—far from it. Miracle is filled with many gems."
—The San Diego Union-Tribune
A veritable Cook’s Tour of the wonderful English language—from its major highways to its little-known but fascinating byways and back roads.
—Don Hauptman, author of Cruel and Unusual Plans
Entertaining and enlightening…. A delightful and edifying collection.
—Publishers Weekly
Books by Richard Lederer
Pun and Games
Nothing Risqué, Nothing Gained
Literary Trivia (with Michael Gilleland)
Adventures of a Verbivore
More Anguished English
The Miracle of Language
The Play of Words
Crazy English
Get Thee to a Punnery
Anguished English
Basic Verbal Skills (with Philip Burnham)
Fractured English
The Write Way
The Word Circus
For orders other than by individual consumers, Pocket Books grants a discount on the purchase of 10 or more copies of single titles for special markets or premium use. For further details, please write to the Vice President of Special Markets, Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, 9th Floor, New York, NY 10020-1586.
For information on how individual consumers can place orders, please write to Mail Order Department, Simon & Schuster Inc., 100 Front Street, Riverside, NJ 08075.
CRAZY
ENGLISH
THE ULTIMATE
JOY RIDE
THROUGH
OUR LANGUAGE
Richard Lederer
POCKET BOOKS
New York London Toronto Sydney
Versions of many of the chapters in this book have appeared in Verbatim, Writing!, and Word Ways.
POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
Copyright © 1989, 1990, 1998 by Richard Lederer
Illustrations copyright © 1989 by Dick Anderson
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
Originally published in hardcover in 1989 by Pocket Books
ISBN: 0-671-02323-3
eISBN-13: 978-1-439-13894-6
ISBN-13: 978-0-671-02323-2
First Pocket Books trade paperback printing June 1998
10 9 8 7
POCKET and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.
Cover design by Brigid Pearson
Text design by Stanley S. Drate /Folio Graphics Co. Inc.
Printed in the U.S.A.
To my family, for always encouraging me
to build castles in the air;
To Pete and Robin, for putting
the foundations underneath;
To Stacy, for her lovely interior decorating.
Contents
1
THE STRANGE CASE OF THE
ENGLISH LANGUAGE
English Is a Crazy Language
Good Grief!
The Department of Redundancy Department 23
Confusable English
Sesquipedalian English
2
THE NAME IS THE GAME
What’s in a Name?
What’s Your Phobia?
The Secrets of Nym
Brand-New Eponyms
Putting Words in Their Places
Janus-Faced Words
A Hymn to Heteronyms
Retro-Active Words
3
FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING
A Visit to the Language Zoo
You Said a Mouthful
Violent English
4
UNMECHANICAL ENGLISH
Foxen in the Henhice
Tense Times with Verbs
Spellbound
5
THE SOUNDS OF ENGLISH
Sound and Sense
Beautiful English
Alliteration Strikes the Nation
Rhyme Time
6
ENGLISH AT PLAY
The Play of Words
Anagrammatical English
Doctor Rotcod’s Ailihphilia
7
THE LAST WORD ABOUT WORDS
The Antics of Semantics
1
THE STRANGE
CASE OF THE
ENGLISH
LANGUAGE
Like the fabled Jabberwock, words have jaws that bite and claws that catch.
—JAMES J. KILPATRICK
English Is a
Crazy Language
E nglish is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in some way by at least one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of the world’s books are written in English, and the majority of international telephone calls are made in English. Sixty percent of the world’s radio programs are beamed in English, and more than seventy percent of international mail is written and addressed in English. Eighty percent of all computer texts, including all web sites, are stored in English.
English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world’s languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race. Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language—the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues.
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?
Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a newspaper?
Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hys terectomy?
Why—in our crazy language—can your nose run and your feet smell?
Language is like the air we breathe. It’s invisible, inescapable, indispensable, and we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in people’s faces and to explore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can be men, hours—especially happy hours and rush hours—often last longer than sixty minutes, quicksand works very slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don’t have any baths in them. In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree—no bath, no room; it’s still going to the bathroom. And doesn’t it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom?
Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can’t woman one, that a man can father a movement but a woman can’t mother one, and that a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn’t rule a queendom? How did all those Renaissance men reproduce when there don’t seem to have been any Renaissance women?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why do they call them apartments when they’re all together?
Why do we call them buildings, when they’re already built?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Why is diminutive so undiminutive? Why does the word monosyllabic consist of five syllables? Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus? And why is there an s in lisp?
English is crazy.
If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a