The Wonder of Children: Nurturing the Souls of Our Sons and Daughters

The Wonder of Children offers Michael Gurian’s brain-based and scientifically argued steps toward better care of the child’s soul. You’ll learn how and why to:

• Increase bonding and attachment in the family and bring the extended family back into the raising of children

• Insist on revision of day care and school culture to fit the requirements of child bonding and attachment

• Control a child’s media use and increase time spent in the natural world

• Increase the time children spend in spiritual process (understanding the mysteries of life, and experiencing joy and a sense of belonging)

• Examine the potential toxicity of a child’s daily schedule

• Act against negative aspects of contemporary diet and nutrition

• Work toward families that are not mainly economy-driven but are driven by a holistic approach to child development: care for the whole soul

___________________

MICHAEL GURIAN has published twenty books in seven disciplines, including five national bestsellers, translated into fourteen languages. In The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls he has pioneered efforts to bring neurobiology into homes, schools, and communities. He is cofounder of the Gurian Institute, which conducts research and provides training in applied neural science. His work has been featured in The New York Times, USA Today, Newsweek, and on the Today show, Good Morning America, and NPR. Michael lives in Spokane, Washington, with his wife, Gail, and their two daughters.

PRAISE FOR THE WONDER OF CHILDREN

(published in hardcover as The Soul of the Child)

Whatever their religious and spiritual beliefs, parents will appreciate this thoughtful book.

—Booklist

This is a tremendous work! A unique bridge between science and religion, it is both visionary and good common sense. Its inspiring stories, beautiful prose, and touch of genius will change the way we look at children, and ourselves, forever. Gurian’s talents as a child advocate, parenting expert, and social philosopher have all combined here into what I feel is one of the most important books of the new millennium.

—Rev. William Harper Houff, Ph.D., Author of Infinity in Your Hands

An absolutely brilliant and lovely book. Practical and scientific. A must read for every parent who wants to raise a spiritual child.

—Dharma Singh Khalsa, M.D., author of Meditation As Medicine

Praise for The Wonder of Girls

Explosive…. Gurian raises interesting questions.

—USA Today

Gurian is at his best when it comes to the nuts and bolts of rearing a daughter.

—Los Angeles Times

Finally, a sensitive and scientifically knowledgeable writer has given us a book on girls. Gurian’s engrossing book is important not only for parents, but for anyone who cares for, educates, or makes policy affecting the lives of girls and women.

—Christina Hoff Sommers, author of Who Stole Feminism?

Michael Gurian has given us a gift, an exciting book that parents of daughters will consult over and over again. Gurian leads us in a new direction as he challenges parents to understand and value our daughters’ desire for attachment. Women will recognize themselves as well as their daughters in this thought-provoking book. Bravo, Michael!

—Ann F. Caron, author of Don’t Stop Loving Me

Previous Books by Michael Gurian

Parenting

The Wonder of Girls

The Wonder of Boys

A Fine Young Man

The Good Son

What Stories Does My Son Need?

(with Terry Trueman)

Education

Boys and Girls Learn Differently!

(with Patricia Henley and Terry Trueman)

Psychology

Love’s Journey

Mothers, Sons and Lovers

The Prince and the King

What Could He Be Thinking?

For Young Adults

Understanding Guys

From Boys to Men

Fiction and Poetry

An American Mystic

The Odyssey of Telemachus

Emptying

the WONDER of

CHILDREN

Nurturing the Souls of Our

Sons and Daughters

MICHAEL

GURIAN

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Copyright © 2002 by Michael Gurian

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 0-7434-1704-6

eISBN: 978-1-451-60410-8

ISBN-13: 978-0-743-41705-1

      0-7434-1705-4 (Pbk)

First Atria Books trade paperback edition February 2004

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For Gabrielle and Davita

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Special thanks are due my wife, Gail, who supports me as I explore the fields of science, religion, and child development. I have been lucky to have her as a friend, partner, and teacher.

Profound thanks are also due to my children, Gabrielle and Davita, who have given me purpose and challenged my mind and heart to discover the deep, hidden places of human experience.

No book can reach its audience without the graceful work of editor, publisher, and agent. Tracy Behar, my editor, has blessed this project from the very beginning with her vision and support. Special thanks are also due to Judith Curr, my publisher, who has been a passionate advocate of this project. Brenda Copeland has been a gracious friend throughout the process of publication, following up on all the important details and providing her own wealth of vision. Thanks are also due to the publicity staff at Atria Books, as well as to so many others behind the scenes.

Candice Fuhrman and Alan Rinzler were instrumental in making sure this book found a home and developed a future. Many thanks to them for their wisdom and direction.

This project has had many other friends, too numerous to name, who have inspired me by devoting their lives to the care of children. May they feel supported as they do the hard work of tending the light.

CONTENTS

Introduction

A Vision

The Book

The New Human

PART I: THE SOUL OF THE CHILD

Chapter 1. The Science of the Soul:

Proof of the Soul’s Existence

The Monitors

Thinking Differently about the Science of the Soul

Seeing the Light

The Science of the Soul

The Soul Right Before Our Eyes

Beyond the Soul/Body Split

Where We Go from Here

Chapter 2. The Soul Grows:

Soul Development from Birth to Adulthood

Watch the Light Grow

The Secret Life of a Child

The Human Journey of Individualization

The Science of Soul Growth

Flowering

Soul Growth, Stress, and Cortisol

Protecting the Light

The Precious Child

Chapter 3. Soul Markings:

The Divine Map a Child Is Born With

The Divine Child

Genetics: Soul Markings

Does Your Child Have a Destiny?

What Is Evil?

What Is Death?

PART II: GOD IS THE CHILD

Chapter 4. The New Human:

How Our Thinking Must Change

Unifying the Field

The New Human

The Future of Religion

Bridging the Gap between Soul and Body

The Future of the Child

Chapter 5. Soul Retrieval:

The Personal Journey Back to the Soul

The Science of Lost Soul

The Science of Soul Retrieval

The New Human: Putting Children First

Chapter 6. God Is the Child:

The Future of the Family

God Needs Us

The Loneliness of the Child

The Future of the Family

The Family of the Future

When God Is the Child

Moving Beyond Individualism

Epilogue

Notes and References

Books That Help Nurture the Soul of the Child

About the Author

Index

Reading Group Guide

The highest measure of a civilization lies in how it cares for its children.

—MARGARET MEAD

INTRODUCTION

The greatest tragedy in human life is to live unaware of one’s divine identity.

—REVEREND WILLIAM HARPER HOUFF

Blair is a small town about an hour from Omaha, set into the green fields, low hills, and open plains of eastern Nebraska. Most of the people who live in Blair also work there, as farmers, schoolteachers, or shopkeepers. A few commute to a larger city or neighboring town for employment or travel to visit family.

My children’s great-grandmother, Laura, a woman of ninety-five, lives in Blair at a nursing home. She has accomplished much in her long life, including raising three children with her husband and then without him, helping to run a chicken farm, and teaching elementary school. She is my children’s oldest living relative.

She is also very frail, thinks of herself not only as living but also as dying. It is time for my soul to leave my body, she said once. Neither her vision nor her balance is good. She can no longer live independently and now exists in that time of life between life and death, and has the wisdom to know it.

Once while visiting her, my daughters and I took a walk on the park-like grounds of the nursing home, which sat near the edge of town. We had just come downstairs—the children and I needed a little time walking outdoors after spending an hour in Laura’s small room. The three of us were saddened, as we walked, by how quickly Great-grandma’s soul did seem to be leaving her body—almost like air gradually leaking out of a balloon. Her body’s skin was shriveling and pale, her presence in the teaming, vital world contracting before our eyes—and yet we also simultaneously experienced a different emotion that was difficult to describe, almost a mysterious sense of anticipation. We knew something incredible awaited Great-grandma, though we didn’t know what it was.

Davita, who was eight, asked me, Where will Great-grandma’s body go when she dies?

Probably into the ground, I replied.

What about her soul?

Though tempted, as most parents are, to say heaven when a small child inquires about death, I said instead, We don’t know for sure. We could say she’s going to heaven. We could say she’s returning to nature itself, to the trees and the wheat fields out there. I pointed to the green plain at the horizon that surrounds Blair, Nebraska.

Her soul will be out there, all around? Davita asked.

Maybe. I smiled. We don’t exactly know what happens to the soul after death.

Gabrielle, almost twelve, had been chewing on the moist end of a long blade of grass. Now she entered the conversation.

Dad, she said, what is the soul made of? She had been to Christian and Jewish Sunday schools over the years. My wife, Gail, is of Nebraskan Protestant stock; I am of New York Jewish origin; our daughters have thus heard both Christian and Jewish answers to questions about the soul. Because we have lived overseas and are interested in world religions,, they’ve heard Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, and other responses as well. Yet I don’t think she had ever heard an answer to this specific question. It was a somewhat unusual one: what material is the human soul composed of?

My instantaneous answer was to stall. What do you mean? I asked.

She thought for a moment. What’s a soul made of? She did her best to ask again a question that I had no answer to at that moment.

I responded honestly, I don’t really know. I’m not sure anybody does.

Well, but I know, she said.

I raised my eyebrows, amused. Really?

Yes. It’s made of God.

The soul is made of God, I repeated back to her. Okay. And what is God made of?

She frowned. Behind her eyes her mind whirred, trying to figure out the logical quandary she’d walked right into.

I guess I can’t say ‘God is made of the soul,’ can I? she thought aloud, applying simple logic.

You could actually, I said, and you’re most certainly right. But it wouldn’t answer your question the way you want it answered, would it?

No, she agreed.

When Great-grandma dies, Davita said, interrupting our intellectual discourse, will all the lights go out in her soul?

I don’t know for sure, I responded. But every wise teacher from all over the world seems to agree that her body will become dark when her soul leaves.

That’s what her soul is made of, then, Gabrielle said triumphantly. It’s made of light.

Light?

Yes. Light. Gabrielle, still a little girl at eleven, yet beginning to develop the mind of an adult, looked at me with certainty. And now, I must admit, behind my own eyes, my mind began to whirr at a fast rate. Thoughts from the Bhagavad Gita, the Sutras, the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, flew into my mind. Be ye lamps upon the world. You are light for all the world. Light particles are energy—they cannot be destroyed. The brain on a PET scan shows life because it lights up. Pieces of Newtonian and quantum physics, like children’s rhymes, replayed themselves in my mind. Einstein’s physics and principles of neuroscience tugged at me. Was this an epiphany? What if Gabrielle had stumbled onto a linking point between the human and the divine conversation, there in Blair, Nebraska, on an afternoon filled with feelings both of life and of death?

You know, I said, grinning at the children, there’s actually something pretty profound in what you’re saying, if we follow it all the way through. Though that follow-through might take some time, and a lot more research. But there’s something very complex in the simplicity of what you’ve said.

They looked at me quizzically, which they often do when my words meander. Then we stood silently for a moment, taking in the view from the edge of the nursing home grounds in Blair, the sun beaming down on the green fields of Nebraska.

I thought, Okay, it’s a given that we still can’t really know what the soul becomes after death, but hadn’t things changed since the times religious sacred texts were written, even in the past hundred years? Wasn’t there a way to know what the soul is composed of and how it works while the body is alive? Because both science and religion have changed in the last decades, could it be that we are at a moment of truth as a civilization that we hadn’t yet quite seized?

What was I thinking? I backtracked. Wait a minute. Was I, in an instant, conceiving of a way to provide a philosophical, religious, and scientific proof of the soul? Had I arrived at this idea by having a conversation with my children? If I had, how might this proof apply to children? It had grown, after all, from the wisdom of children.

It was very hot and very humid. Davita had had enough and asked to go back inside so we could return to their mother, Gail; Grandma Peggy; and the other family members still chatting with one another and Great-grandma Laura.

I led the girls back into the nursing home and up to room 214.

Where did you go? Grandma Peggy asked. She sat on the edge of her mother’s bed, holding the aging matriarch’s tiny hand.

Just walking and talking outside, Gabrielle reported.

"We talked about you," Davita said, coming up to Great-grandma and giving her a kiss.

Instinctively wary that Davita might say something awkward like we were talking about your dying, I said aloud, We were actually being kind of philosophical—we were talking about the human soul and children.

Grandma Peggy ruffled Davita’s hair. You’re a good soul, aren’t you?

Davita nodded, giving her grandma a hug.

Great-grandma Laura, looking first at my two daughters with her light blue, watery eyes, then looking to Gail and me, commanded, You take good care of these two sweet souls, okay?

They are beautiful young lights, aren’t they? I said, my mind still on my thoughts of moments ago.

Yes, she murmured. They are. God lives in your children.

We’ll take good care of them, Gail assured her grandmother. I nodded my agreement, looking from my position at the foot of the bed into my two daughters’ eyes, so beautifully lit from within—lit by the light of their own natures, by their sympathy for their elderly and dying progenitor, and by the light of God.

Everywhere around me hovered not only the souls of the dying but also those of young children. In my mind came a kind of verbal replay of the words you’re a good soul, these two sweet souls, God lives in your children. In these later moments of their long lives, Grandma and Great-grandma saw so clearly that near them stood not just kids but living, breathing souls—discernible aspects of God. Did this really mean anything? Or was all this just about words?

No, I didn’t think so. There was something more here. In response to the comments from the girls’ grandma and great-grandma, my epiphany increased to include a sense of the obvious light in my children’s eyes—the same light in every child’s eyes, and even beyond that light, the very essence of God.

The afternoon in Blair was a private epiphany, one I didn’t share for quite some time even with my wife. But in it, this book began.

A VISION

We think of our children as kids. What if we thought of them as souls? This was the challenge, inadvertently presented, by a ninety-five-year-old woman. Her words were not just a metaphor but, I think, a real description. As she moved toward death, Laura saw the soul of the child quite clearly.

Most of us are too busy to think of our children as being anything other than boys or girls. This, like thinking of them as kids, is worthy and important, but how little we think of them as soul, as God, as infinite nature. Laura seemed to see the infinite material. And even Gabrielle’s and Davita’s thoughts and words, which were touched by the circumstances around them that afternoon, seemed to have a consciousness of soul itself.

We think of our children as offspring. How would it affect not only our methods of nurturing children but also the growth of our civilization if we spent much more of our time seeing our children as infinite design? How would this awareness change what a child means—not only to a parent, but also to human civilization? We think of our children as young people—what if we understood how richly and fully they were God?

These questions arose in me.

We are aware of how a child’s body develops. What if we could also know how the actual divinity—the soul—of the child develops? If we had in our hands a blueprint of the invisible spiritual growth of divine identity, how would families and indeed our human cultures plot their courses for the lives of children and adults? Would it be different from the course we plot now? Would both wartime and peacetime be different? Would our hopes and dreams be, if not different, at least more achievable?

These questions occupied my mind over the next few days as I came to acknowledge—in the wake of our visit to Great-grandma Laura and my epiphany with my daughters outside the nursing home—the uniqueness of our place in human history. Both our scientific and religious knowledge have developed to a point of creating an astounding new vision, a vision that is right before our eyes but that has not yet been recognized. I came to realize that a number of incidents in my personal and professional life had built to this recognition and led to an unfolding of ideas and human stories that needed further scrutiny.

As the weeks and months progressed, this book, The Wonder of Children, emerged. Initially, it came as an epiphany only, for I needed to spend a great deal of time checking neurobiological as well as religious sources to make sure my vision did, indeed, make sense. I am grateful to all these sources for the book you are reading now, grateful especially that an in-depth study of both sets of sources reveals what my epiphany had hoped it would reveal: a distinctly new point in human possibility. And a new way of understanding our children.

THE BOOK

As a child development specialist, I have written this book so that any parent or caregiver of a child can find inspiration and practical wisdom in its insights. Simultaneously, as a student of both religion and science, I have written it in order to take our human understanding of the soul and God beyond where it has been before, to that place where science and religion can meet. Because the new neurosciences have reached a point of sophistication now, and because the world’s religious literature is so readily available, via books, Internet, and teachers, we have come to a time in human history when the sciences of human nature and the metaphysics of divine nature can be seen running intertwined in the human project.

The Wonder of Children hopes to let you stand at the point of interconnection that human progress has created for