The Possibilities: A Novel
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About this ebook
In the idyllic ski town of Breckenridge, Colorado, Sarah St. John is reeling. Three months ago, her twenty-two-year-old son, Cully, died in an avalanche. Sarah’s father, a retiree, tries to distract her from her grief with gadgets from the home shopping channel. Sarah’s best friend offers life advice by venting details of her own messy divorce. Even Cully’s father reemerges, stirring more emotions and confusion than Sarah needs. But Sarah feels she is facing the stages of grief—the anger, the sadness, the letting go—alone; she desperately wants to hear the swoosh of her son’s ski pants, or watch him skateboard past her window. And one day a strange girl arrives on her doorstep. Unexpected and unexplained, she bears a secret from Cully that could change all of their lives forever.
With wry wit and intuition, Kaui Hart Hemmings highlights the subtle poignancies of grief and relationships in this stunning look at people faced with impossible choices. Called “surprisingly entertaining” (The New York Times Book Review) and “familiar yet richly, astutely observant and reflective” (The Boston Globe), The Possibilities brilliantly portrays tragic ineffability with grace and hope.
Kaui Hart Hemmings
Kaui Hart Hemmings has degrees from Colorado College and Sarah Lawrence, and she was a Stegner Fellow at Stanford University. Her first novel, a New York Times bestseller, The Descendants, has been published in twenty-two other countries and is now an Oscar-winning film directed by Alexander Payne and starring George Clooney. She is also the author of a story collection House of Thieves, the novels How to Party with an Infant and The Possibilities, and the YA novel Juniors. She lives in Hawaii.
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Reviews for The Possibilities
56 ratings13 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5i loved the author's previous book (the descendants) so much that i was disappointed with this one. it was like she was trying too hard to make the characters seem witty.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Excellent book.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Surprisingly funny despite its heavy subject material. I was in the mood for a novel set in reality, no magic, no experimental writing, and I was really happy with this choice. The dialogue is great and while the story is slightly predictable, it takes a few unexpected directions.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5THE POSSIBILITIES is a poignant story about coming to terms with loss, working through grief, and finding the strength to move on. The main characters in this book are mourning the death of Cully, a young man who was their son, grandson, and friend. His mother Sarah, in particular, is grieving the loss of his future possibilities, and she’s become stalled in her own life. Then, a stranger comes into Sarah’s idle existence who will jolt her awake once again.I enjoyed listening to this book. Kaui Hart Hemmings has an engaging writing style, and her characters are genuine, flawed, and easy to sympathize with. Given the conflict that the stranger brings, the plot could have gone in a cheesy and improbably direction, but luckily the author didn’t let that happen. The characters’ emotions, reactions, and ultimate decisions felt realistic to me.This book was narrated by Joy Osmanski, and I thought her performance was excellent. Her portrayal of Sarah and what she was going through was moving. She also did a great job creating distinct voices for the other characters, especially Sarah’s father, Kyle. He was the comic relief for this emotional story.THE POSSIBILITIES made me want to cry at times, but there were also many funny moments when I laughed out loud. Definitely an engrossing read (or listen) that will stay in my thoughts for a while.Source: Review copy from the publisher
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Entertaining read, didn't notice until I started reading that the top cover blurb was from People magazine... not necessarily a great sign. I never could decide if I really liked any of the characters or related to them. I guessed immediately that Kit was Cully's girlfriend and pregnant and was annoyed that none of the characters guessed anything until half way through. I found the book a bit too predictable. The main character was not someone I would like as a friend, the only qualities she liked in her "best" friend Suzanne were ones that benefitted her. On the whole, I found Sarah just as shallow as Suzanne.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I was amazed at how well I thought Hemmings covered so many of the aspects of losing an adult child and, at the same time, including so many other characters with their related opinions. Fascinating. Especially when she used a sort of repeat performance to provide more views of the situation. The audio was very well done by Joy Osmanski, in part because of the great way Hemmings handles dialogue.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Possibilities by Kaui Hart Hemmings is a very highly recommended novel about a mother dealing with her grief.
Three months ago 43 year old Sarah St. John's 22 year old son, Cully, was killed in an avalanche. Set in Breckenridge, Colorado, where Sarah is a talk show host, she tries going back to work after a three month absences, but understands all too well that she may not be ready. She silently entreats "Please, give me strength. Strength to return, to get back to life. My plan is to move in seamlessly, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. I will reemerge wearing a figurative cap, similar to the one my twenty-two-year-old son wore, what the kids wear—a cap to hide their eyes, their face, a cap that says I’m here but I’m not here." (Location 88)
While Sarah and her father, Lyle, are trying to deal with their grief as much as they can, they chose opposing strategies. Lyle is coping through buying things off the Home Shopping Network while Sarah feels the need to cleanse her home, Cully's room. Her best friend, Suzanne, offers to help Sarah clean up and organize Cully's room, but she is also trying to cope with her own grief from her divorce and she thoughtlessly shares this, "The anger, the sadness, the letting go. We all go through these stages. Divorce is a kind of death, and... there are stages of grief. I find it comforting that we’re not alone. Big tragedies, small ones—” (Location 501)
Cully's father, Billy, is also trying to recover. Even though he and Sarah never married, they are friends. Sarah admits to him:
“It’s hard to talk to people. It’s hard to be with people. They really bother me now. People at work, friends, Miss Irony over there.”
“I don’t like people either,” he says. (Location 1299)
Sarah knows that one of the saddest parts about a death is being burdened by a lot of things our loved ones left behind. But all the time Sarah is trying to come to terms with Cully's death, she also begins to realize that she didn't actually know everything about her son's life anymore, especially when several baggies of pot and a large stash of cash is discovered. She also learns that Cully had a life quite apart from her and often called his father, Billy, just to talk. It seems that Cully shared things with Lyle and Billy that he didn't with Sarah.
While Suzanne's daughter, Morgan, plans a memorial service at the community college, Sarah and Lyle meet Kit, who also knew Cully, it seems that this family has much more to consider as they mourn the all-too-young loss of a loved one. Clearly Cully is grieved and mourned by many,
I love The Possibilities.
Hemmings did a marvelous job capturing the strong conflicting emotions during a tragedy of this magnitude. Her writing is superb and her ability to capture the raw emotions in the aftermath of tragic circumstances in a family who has no choice but to keep moving forward is commendable. There is poignant insight and a depth of understanding the grieving process present in the characters and their actions/words. This is also about the family moving on, finding their way in a world without Cully and has a few rather humorous moments too.
After suffering from two tragic deaths in my immediate family in under two months, I could understand Sarah's tortured emotions - her anger and sadness all mixed together. I am also experiencing the need to simplify, to get rid of stuff, to cleanse my life because you leave it all behind in the end. Grief is a fickle emotion; while it seems fathomless it can also take on a crass and greedy mantle. People can want a part of what might have been possible rather than looking at the possibilities in their own lives.
Disclosure: My Kindle edition was courtesy of Simon & Schuster for review purposes. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Hemming has a very smooth style of writing and is very good at taking personal tragedies and making very good stories from them. In this one, a son is lost in an avalanche and Sarah, his mother must find a way to move on. I loved the character Jack, her father, his wisdom and his corny jokes. The characters are very assessable, real life people, dealing with real life situations. Her friend is coping with a cheating husband, and when a girl unknown to them arrives with a shattering proposition, her son's death becomes even more real. Her characters all have real depth to them and there is often humor which made me smile. Yes, humor in the wake of sadness, it happens even when dealing with the unfathomable. The use of dialogue is skillful and the revelations keep the book flowing. A realistic and good story, with poignant moments and many looks backwards. A chance at a different kind of life if only one has the courage. At the end Sarah shows she has just this kind of courage.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5i loved the author's previous book (the descendants) so much that i was disappointed with this one. it was like she was trying too hard to make the characters seem witty.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I'm on page 116 of 288 of The Possibilities: This book is no Descendants.The Decendants had a lot going on: Would the wife die? Would the family confront the cheater? Would the family land be sold? In The Possibilities, the protagonist's son dies before the story begins. So far, we only hear of Sarah's interactions with a friend, her father, a few people at work, and a girl who may or may not have been the son's girlfriend. Not much action for being almost halfway. I might just drop it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5For a parent, there are few things as devastating as the loss of a child and normally I avoid stories about children abducted or killed, but there’s an approachability to main character Sarah St. John that drew me into this novel and after reading the first few pages I was hooked. Breckenridge, Colorado is a mountain resort town full of tourists, but Sarah’s family has deep roots in its snowy landscape because it’s been their home for generations. Sarah’s son Cully was twenty-two and after graduating from college he was back home living with her when he died in an avalanche. It’s been just a few months since his death when the book opens and Sarah is overwhelmed but no longer crushed by sorrow and loss. The Possibilities is told in the present tense which I often dislike, but here the immediacy suits the story since Sarah is working through her grief, not reflecting on it later. The main characters--her father, her best friend, her former boyfriend, and the young woman who comes into their lives--are all realistically imperfect and sometimes petty, but their connections to each other are deeply moving. Without thinking too closely about it, which would probably ruin the analogy, they remind me of the family from Little Miss Sunshine. I appreciate that this book took on a difficult topic without providing formulaic answers, over simplifying, wallowing in tragedy and doom, or tying everything up too neatly and sweetly.The setting is so thoroughly integrated into the story that crisp, cold, clear mountain air practically blows off the pages. I haven’t read The Descendants, the author’s other novel, but if it is as well written as this book I fully understand its popularity.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A young man dies in an avalanche and his mother tries to pick up the pieces of her life. But everything’s changed. All those possibilities promised for his future, and hers, are gone. There’s no purpose to a day-job advertising treasures he’ll never enjoy, or making jokes that can never be shared with him. The snow still falls but it’s not thick enough to shovel, and Sarah’s walking on ice.Author Kaui Hart Hemmings conveys her protagonist’s emptiness with powerful and humorous conviction. Even as Sarah tries to separate herself from shopping-channel father, divorcing friend, and super-happy co-worker, she finds she’s gaining insight into their lives. And maybe the shopping channel offers possibilities of its own in the shape of memories.Enter Kim to clear that fallen snow. Add an upcoming road-trip to mourn the son. Be gentle and smile when boarders pass your car. And be ready for spring.I wasn’t shocked. I’d guessed. But it doesn’t matter. The characters become so real that guessing’s just part of life, another thing you may or may not suggest to them over coffee. The Possibilities is a surprisingly uplifting novel, taking readers on a journey through grief, like winter, to a place where decisions are complex and the prospects are endless as they were at the beginning, at those first stages of lost son’s life.Disclosure: I was given an advance uncorrected proof and I offer my honest review.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Set in the ski resort town of Breckenridge, Colorado, Sarah St John, a morning television host, is grieving for her 22 year old son Cully. He was recently killed in an avalanche and Sarah is doing her best to cope without him. She seeks comfort from her rather indiscrete father who lives with her; from her best friend Suzanne, who is going through her own grieving process during her imminent divorce; and from Billy, Cully’s father. Billy left when Cully was very small and now has his own family, but he and Sarah are being drawn closer together through their shared grief.Then along comes Kit. She is carrying a secret, which when finally revealed causes each of those affected to re-address their beliefs and their desires.Told with dry humour and affection this tale of grief is unsentimental and engaging. It is a simple story, told well, with appealing characters and an emotional storyline.
Book preview
The Possibilities - Kaui Hart Hemmings
Part
One
Chapter 1
I pretend that I’m not from here. I’m a woman from Idaho, on vacation with friends. I’m a newlywed from Indiana. An unremarkable guest at the Village Hotel, exploring Breckenridge, Colorado, waiting for a valet to bring her rented car around. A drop of water falls on my head. I look up at the green awning and move so that I’m fully covered. A black Escalade blasting music enters the roundabout. The car is huge, and I expect someone huge to go with it, but out come three young boys—the driver, short, passengers, tall—and the valet, also a young boy, wordlessly takes the driver’s keys, hands him a ticket, and nods his head.
My son, Cully, who used to work here as a valet just three months ago, told me that he hated to park cars for people his age, and I can see why. Growing up I’d feel the same thing, an embarrassment to work in front of friends and peers. The worst job I had was fitting ski boots for girls who came here on spring break from places like Florida and Texas. They were always saying, It hurts,
and I would say that it’s supposed to, making the boots tighter.
I was also a waitress at Briar Rose, where kids from school came in with their parents and they’d place their orders and I’d take their orders as if we didn’t know each other. I remember Leslie Day sucking the antler of her lobster and thought, Only rich people could get away with that, or even know to do that in the first place. We weren’t poor by any means, but compared to a lot of newcomers whose fathers came to town to retire at forty, it sometimes seemed that way.
The valet uniforms are black slacks and a black fleece, something Cully was embarrassed to wear. Some of them wear black change purses around their waists. Cully would rather lose money. I envision him running and opening car doors, taking tips, not looking at the amount until they were gone. You pretend not to care.
I look at these boys all around the same age as my son, these boys with mothers and fathers, hopes and problems, and an embarrassing urge comes over me to hold them. To swoop them up in my arms, something Cully as a child always wanted me to do and I’d often get annoyed. You’re a big boy. You can walk. At times he was such jarring cargo, especially when he was first born and I was only twenty-one. He felt like a school project, the egg I was supposed to carry around and not ever leave or break.
I should go. I have ten more minutes before I need to get to work. While I’ve been in this week doing preinterviews, today will be my first day back on camera after a three-month absence. I don’t move. I look at one of the valets—the tall one with black hair, smooth like a helmet; I look at him like he’s a kind of god. Please, give me strength. Strength to return, to get back to life. My plan is to move in seamlessly, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. I will reemerge wearing a figurative cap, similar to the one my twenty-two-year-old son wore, what the kids wear—a cap to hide their eyes, their face, a cap that says I’m here but I’m not here.
Cully is dead. He died. That’s why I left work. Good reason, though I don’t really have a good one for coming back, for emerging from hibernation. I guess I feel that I’ve reached that unspoken, societal deadline that suggests you reach for your bootstraps and pull. I feel like it’s time to start working on getting somewhere else, some other periphery or vantage point. I don’t need to move up, but maybe sideways.
The valet sees me looking at him and I look at my watch. I’m actually wearing one and don’t just look at my phone anymore. Cully gave it to me for Christmas when he was still in high school, and I came across it in my jewelry drawer recently, grabbing the dinky gold thing as though I had been looking for it forever. He must have taken his time, selecting it, probably thinking it was fancy. I’m wearing the idea of him shopping, his younger idea of me. I’m wearing the look on his face when I opened it, as if I had given something to him.
Six more minutes. I glance back at the valet. He was better-looking from a distance. Up close, he has very porous skin, a runny nose, and what looks like dandruff in his eyebrows. So that’s it then. One life can just disappear, and one can keep going, one nose can keep running. It shames me, the amount of time I spent being angry at him. The high chair battles—use your spoon, not your fingers. Cully! Use your spoon. Who cares if he used his fingers! Who cares! The mistakes do bring a smile to my face though. I cared.
Another car pulls in and a different boy runs to the driver’s side. This kid is thin, average height, though strong-looking. He opens the door for a man my age wearing a tight white turtleneck that sparkles in the light. People get out of their cars differently when the door is opened for them. The man emerges, shielding his eyes from the sun as if it’s the paparazzi even though he’s wearing sunglasses with lenses like mercury. He asks the boy if he knows how to drive this kind of car, a red Porsche.
The kid takes a brief glance into the car. Yes, sir,
he says. I’m familiar with automatics.
I smirk. The man looks doubtful, hesitant to leave. When he finally walks toward the lobby entrance, patting his pocket for the keys he left in the ignition, the valet pantomimes kicking him in the ass. Then he catches sight of me. I smile, in on the joke. Cully would have done the same thing, I bet. He would be like this guy. This is the better valet.
He looks at me, smiles. I smile back, trying to communicate that I heard what he said to that guy. I got it. I know you. I am a different sort of adult. I had a kid just like you.
You have your ticket?
he asks, in the same cold, dismissive voice he used with the man. I pat my pockets. I . . . I think I’ll walk.
I hurry away, as if caught doing something perverse. I look back to see him, worried he’s kicking his foot toward my ass, but he’s opening a door for a woman. A real guest. She is perfect, this woman. Beautiful, poised, groomed. Sometimes another woman’s polished nails are enough to make you feel like a failure. Sometimes the lack of recognition—the valet was supposed to see me, understand me—is enough to break your heart.
The woman doesn’t look at him as she gets out of the white car and adjusts her long, light-green coat. I would have looked at you, I want to tell him.
Chapter 2
I adjust myself on the uncomfortable and unsteady chair placed on a slight incline between ticket sales and the Peak 9 lift. Murky clouds begin to move in from opposite sides of the sky. I look at their slow crawl, the sky buttoning itself into an old gray coat. Everything has taken on a different hue, as it should. What good is change if nothing has changed?
What should we do now?
Katie asks. She’s my cohost, or I am hers. Katie Starkweather, once the weather girl on the six o’clock KRON 5 news. She can be effusive and loud, socially aggressive like a hairstylist, but she’s organized and diligent. Our cameraman, Mike, doesn’t believe Starkweather is her real last name. He thinks she made it up in meteorology school. We are the hosts of Fresh Tracks, a show that’s pumped into hotel rooms. We tell you where to eat, what to buy, what to wear, what adventures to schedule, and what to experience here in Breckenridge.
What do you mean?
I look at her, then soften my expression. It’s as though I’m still surprised when people talk to me. I guess I expect people to not address me directly, like I’m a freak or a queen.
How should we fill time?
Katie asks.
The same way as always, I guess? As before.
It’s a beautiful morning. Buy something. That’s all we ever say. Katie looks unsatisfied. I remember she always gets jittery before we begin even though we’re not live. I guess I did too. I had that feeling of importance, like what you’re doing matters.
We hardly have a thing,
Katie says. I’m wondering how we can bulk it up since—
I uncross my legs, gather up my jacket under my neck, the hot cold sunshine making me constantly adjust. The largest gold nugget ever found in North America was discovered here,
I say. On July third, 1887, by a man named Tom Groves. It weighed one hundred and fifty-one ounces. They called it ‘Tom’s Baby’ because Tom carried it everywhere like a newborn. It was about the size of a six-month-old.
I look at Katie. We could say that.
You love town trivia,
she says.
I do!
I say. I don’t know why.
She relaxes, slightly.
Seriously though,
I say. If we run out of things to say, I don’t mind. Tourists like it.
I like it—talking about town myths and facts. Things that happened yesterday that has made today today. It reminds me—and those who visit—of the lives here before us and the lives of the permanent residents. I’ve lived here my entire life, minus the 3.6 years that I lived in Denver for college. My father has lived here for most of his life. We can trace our roots back to 1860, when his great-grandfather came to work a hydraulic mine responsible for devastating the hillsides and water supplies. The same year the town supposedly named itself after the nation’s vice president in the hopes of securing a post office. Breckinridge. The i was changed to e when they got their post office and decided the nation’s VP was an ass.
I look around at today: the bouquets of condos, the sounds of the Spring Fling concert. Despite the town’s development and additions—One Ski Hill, Shock Mountain, trendier restaurants with one-word names—it is still my same hometown. Yet I feel like one of these tourists clopping about in a place that belongs to everyone and no one, a blank slate I won’t leave any impression upon. I feel like I’m passing through.
Benefits,
Katie mumbles, her right leg jiggling. I want to still it with my hand. She has furiously been studying the bullet-pointed notes Holly wrote down for us. Safety. We’ll just go through this list then? The value and benefits?
Katie is wearing a tight, yellow sweater. She’s pulled together and even though I felt like I was too when I left the house, next to her I feel wild. I have squally, dark-blond hair. Katie has good TV hair—it’s light blond and it hugs her face like a pelt. Her lips are usually thin, but while I’ve been gone that has changed. Now they’re artificially plumped, like she’s sucking a thick milkshake through a thin straw. She’s younger than I am by about five years, but she seems even younger because she doesn’t have kids. She’s now on her fourth boyfriend in one year, an accountant who is always blurting out odd facts about himself, like, I never swear,
and Soft cheeses give me hives.
Do you want to go over them?
she asks, holding up the notes.
I’m okay,
I say.
She holds back from making any kind of facial or verbal reaction. Death is a checkmate. Death is embarrassing. I want to tell her to not let me win that way. Mike tests the view of us, which always seems to make him uncomfortable. He needs to look at us but prefers to do it only through the lens.
I guess you’ll be shooting lots of cover?
Katie says to him. We don’t have much to work with.
I’ll handle it.
He sighs as if getting alternate footage is some kind of task the world’s depending on. I liked Mike, but it took him about twelve years to like me back, so I canceled my feelings. He has that very angry and jealous kind of short-man personality and simple, pull-my-finger humor.
Katie still has that nervous gleam in her eye, like we’re about to interview a terrorist.
It will be all right,
I say.
Oh, I know, I just . . .
She lets the sentence go and studies the notes, jiggles her leg. Left one this time.
Once upon a time I would have been very stressed out if the person we were supposed to interview decided not to show up. I understand the nervousness, and maybe it will hit me once we start, but if we fail, if it doesn’t work, then we just toss it and it’s okay. We can do it all over again, we have another chance. The thought makes me wistful. I know a sense of consequence is essential to any job, but the conviction in the weight of my work, the search for import—it’s downright elusive.
Yesterday a man named Gary Duran beat his pregnant wife in their home in Dillon. She and her unborn child took the Flight for Life helicopter to Denver. Everyone’s waiting to see if she and her baby make it, but we don’t report on things like that. Maybe if we did, I’d be okay. Maybe if we reported on the lack of low-income housing for people who work here but are forced to live elsewhere, then maybe I could muster some motivation, or if we focused on tragedies that made me more aware of the world beyond this. But instead we talk about lift tickets, then share tips from Keepin’ It Real Estate and Savvy Skiing with Steve-o.
Mike hoists the camera onto his shoulder as if he’s a soldier going off to war. He shoots the lift ticket kiosk, the main face of the mountain, the white groomed paths like pleats in a billowing skirt. I look at the ski instructors in their red vests, children trailing them like a whip; the chair lifts coursing the hills like veins, the huddles of skiers moving up and moving down—everything working faithfully like a heart. Everything here will be all right.
Our producer, Holly Bell, walks toward us from the ticket office with a brochure.
Here’s a good visual,
she says, carefully. I’ve noticed that everyone is talking to me as if I’m deaf or slightly stupid. The new price in print.
I take the brochure. Thank you.
You can hold it up at some point,
she says. And stand up, move around. Stay positive. There are so many benefits . . .
She walks away—she’s always in motion. Mike thinks she also made up her name, and in this case, I agree. She was a pageant girl, then hosted a show like this in Sacramento. She still dresses like she’s hosting the show, kind of like an understudy waiting for Katie or me to keel over. Katie worked alone while I was gone. This makes me slightly nervous, jealous even. She did just fine on her own, so I’m feeling a bit like a garnish.
I tap my hands against my legs. It takes so long for us to do so little. I want to go home and meet Suzanne, who has agreed to help me finish Cully’s room. I think of the clothes and boxes, the stuff of life I need to organize. It’s come to me suddenly—this need to cleanse. I guess I want my dad to have the downstairs to himself, and our getaway this weekend seems to be functioning as a kind of deadline. My dad, Suzanne, and I are going to Cully’s alma mater, where they’re putting on a kind of tribute to him at the Broadmoor Hotel. Suzanne’s daughter, Morgan, has organized it, and I’m not even sure what it is exactly. She’s a current student at CC (she basically followed him there), and is trying to take his legacy into her own hands. Morgan and Cully grew up together, and Morgan has always created a kind of myth of their friendship, which has become even more beguiling now that he has died. It’s true they were close, especially before high school, but she treasured him more than he treasured her. The idea of a tribute to him is nice, but knowing Morgan, I can’t help but think it’s more about her need to claim him.
I shouldn’t be cynical, and the truth is I’m looking forward to it. Not the event itself, but the way it marks time. It will be my first time out of town since he died. Maybe going away will help me reenter. I don’t know. I make it up as I go.
Now Katie is drumming her fingers against her chest. I copy her to see what that does, and if it works.
Are you okay?
I ask. I relate to the way emotions can manifest themselves physically.
I put my hand on her leg, briefly. You’re really good at this,
I say. You always come through.
It would be easier if he just answered some questions,
she says. "This is so last-minute. Don’t you know him or something?"
Yes, I know him,
I say, disappointed she didn’t appreciate my appreciation. I know that he won’t do it if he says he won’t.
Our interviewee, Dickie Fowler, is the head of Breckenridge Resorts and he’s also a friend. Suzanne is his wife. They are in the process of getting a divorce. His call. I notice in divorces, when doling out the friends, the women get paired with the women—that’s just how it goes, though I honestly get along wonderfully with Dickie. We laugh and joke a lot, and we can be quiet together. He was supposed to be here to explain the increase in the price of lift tickets but decided the segment would be better without him. He’s smart. He knows that sometimes the way he comes across and the way he looks—his expression is coy and smug, like the rehabilitated men in erectile dysfunction ads—can make him unsympathetic. People are more respected when they say less, I’ve noticed, and he doesn’t say a whole lot in public.
You don’t want to just try and call him?
Katie asks.
Her jacket is so white, her teeth too. The sun is bouncing right off the bright snow, making her clothes and veneers even whiter. I think to myself, It hurts me to look at you.
We’ll wing it,
I say. I don’t really think people are looking to our show for a major analysis.
I tag on a laugh to soften things, but the laugh was a bit sharp.
Lisa, Mike’s assistant (who has a passion for makeup), walks up to Katie, powder brush in hand, along with her black change purse full of beauty tackle.
Seven dollars,
Katie says with her eyes closed, rehearsing. Lisa moves the brush in upward circles over Katie’s face. Ninety-eight to one-hundred and five—
Jesus, that’s a lot,
I say. And there’s no snow.
No kidding,
Lisa says.
It’s not that big a difference considering the value,
Katie continues to recite. For example . . .
We are half salespeople, half cruise directors. We need to squeeze a chuckle
out of the disenchanted, to heat things up
if they’re not sold on the cold. We need to sell the idea of freedom—exclusive, outdoor, extreme freedom. Get Outside! Be Extremely Free! It makes my job and my dad’s old one quite similar.
My dad, Lyle, was VP of operations. After Breckenridge was bought by Vail in ’97 he helped the resort lengthen its grip—into gas stations, real estate, restaurants, hotels, retail, this show—so that all the profit went upstream, through the fingers, and back into the palm. I think of my seventy-three-year-old dad at my house now, most likely working on things that no longer involve him. The horse put out to pasture who has no interest in munching on grass.
The benefits,
Katie says again, now to me and not herself. We’ll show them that a greater expense results in a better experience, and even a better life.
That’s quite an equation,
I say.
I can tell she isn’t sure if I’m being sarcastic or sincere, which must be hard for her. At work, I have typically been the happy sort, but this week during preinterviews a caustic side is crossing over, infiltrating my professional life. I’ve become stormy and difficult, mean and sad. If I was confronted with someone like myself I’d feel so sorry for them. Then I’d get bored by them, and then I’d hate them for their sad, sad story. Each day I start out wanting to do better, to be kinder. Each day I fail.
Lisa, done with Katie, approaches like I’m a horse, letting me see her powder brush, a warning she’s going to touch me. I love when she fixes my makeup. I like being touched without being touched.
You look different,
Lisa says. She moves the cool brush over my cheekbones.
I’m not supposed to,
I say. That’s the deal.
What are you doing? Not as much eyeliner, it looks like.
I’m simplifying.
I laugh, but she doesn’t look like she heard me. She’s like real hair and makeup people in that they never seem to hear the answers to their questions—or maybe they don’t respond to insincere answers. But it is an honest answer. My beauty regimen for the past months:
I don’t use primer or my eyelash curler, and I don’t wear lipstick.
No moonbeams, sunbeams, emulsifiers and exfoliants, or a hundred-dollar serum to make me sparkle and glow. Only now do I realize I’ve been shelling out cash for packaging and ad copy. It’s all the same product, but one month a blush will be called Beach Babe Bronzer and the next month, Angel in the Sun.
I don’t put on the self-tanner that makes my legs itch.
I don’t shower or shave as often. My bush looks like a gremlin and I want to keep it that way.
I make lists in my head so I can
check
check
check things off.
I’ve scaled back,
I say. The brush sweeps my forehead then moves down to my jawline. Smooth my eyebrows, I think. I love it when she does that. I missed it while I was gone.
You look good,
Lisa says. Her face is close to mine. I can smell her watermelon gum. She places her fingers on my temples and checks my eye makeup. I look to the right. I can never look back into her eyes. She presses her thumbs to my eyebrows and runs them over the arch. I relax my shoulders. This is the best part of my day.
Okay, let’s do this,
Holly says, and claps her hands together. I crack a smile. Everything is so silly to me.
Mike brings the camera to his shoulder.
Katie breathes out, then sits up straighter.
I’m ready. Ready for this thing, this job. I will try harder because it’s not just me here.
Okay, clap,
Mike says.
Katie and I clap.
And we’re rolling,
Mike says.
What a gorgeous morning,
I say to the camera. Absolutely beautiful.
And it is. It really is. I can still recognize this. I can still love feeling so close to the sun and peaks of mountains, still love life at this altitude—it makes me feel like every breath counts.
Seriously,
Katie says. Seriously amazing, and every lift is up and running. I can’t wait for all the snow that’s supposed to come tonight!
I try to smile and eventually get it up. Up and down. Smile reps. Exercising the muscle.
It makes everything worth it,
Katie says. Even if you don’t ski, the snow just gives you that warm cozy feeling. Makes me want to run out and condo shop! Now, Sarah, you’re a big skier, right?
I try to get out there,
I say, but I haven’t in a while.
I’ve just heard from the COO of Breckenridge Resorts, Richard Fowler, that lift ticket prices have gone up seven dollars.
Katie makes a pained expression. Then she shrugs her shoulders. On camera she always looks like she’s playing a game of charades.
But I guess that’s not too bad,
she says. The new gondola goes right to the lots. Holds eight passengers and I’ve heard rumors of future heat and Wi-Fi. And the views of Cucumber Gulch are amazing.
She looks at me.
They are amazing,
I say.
And once you’re up there, the lifts are amazing too—the seats are so plush, I could sleep in ’em. Padded seats, fiberglass shields, lots of room, and safe—I know there’s a responsive braking system and load-sensing devices. I could just ride that thing all day long! Best part of the lifts is they go to places like the Vista Haus, where you can have a beer, a glass of wine, some onion soup, or one of their famous mammoth burritos. I guess you get what you pay for! And that’s a lot!
I can’t speak. How could I possibly speak? That was