The Evolution of Mara Dyer
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About this ebook
Mara Dyer once believed she could run from her past.
She can’t.
She used to think her problems were all in her head.
They aren’t.
She couldn’t imagine that after everything she’s been through, the boy she loves would still be keeping secrets.
She’s wrong.
In this gripping sequel to The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, the truth evolves and choices prove deadly. What will become of Mara Dyer next?
Michelle Hodkin
Michelle Hodkin grew up in Florida, went to college in New York, and studied law in Michigan. She is the author of the Mara Dyer and Noah Shaw trilogies. Visit her online at MichelleHodkin.com.
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Reviews for The Evolution of Mara Dyer
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Readers find this title amazing. The beginning may drag a bit, but once you hit the last 150 pages, everything is suddenly worth it. There's action, romance, and satisfyingly unreliable narration. Some parts make readers ponder if the protagonist is crazy, but the dreamy Noah Shaw assures us she isn't. The book is frightening and made readers' blood run cold at times. The pacing, romance, and twists and turns are great. Although there is frustration about the ending and some issues with payment, overall it is a good book that readers should not miss.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Note: NO SPOILERS for EITHER Mara Dyer book.The reason I am reviewing the two Mara Dyer books together is that I refuse to accept that they aren’t actually one big book. When the first one ends (in a great big cliffhanger), readers still don't know what is going on. In no way would I consider it an "ending" of any sort. It is only in the second that we start to get some answers. (However, I should add we aren’t done yet. But the third book will not be out until Fall of 2013.) Thus, it is almost inevitable (and yet unusual) that the second book is, in my opinion, better than the first, because only in the second does the story finally start making sense, and at the end we get a bit more of a wrap-up than in the first book. Mara Dyer, 17, thinks she has been causing her friends to die. But maybe she is crazy. Or maybe they haven’t actually died. Maybe she has PTSD, but maybe she is psychotic. It’s not at all clear, and she’s barely holding together. Her parents decide to move from Rhode Island to Florida to give her a new start and she begins school at a private academy, Croyden. But there’s definitely something weird afoot. The hallucinations, or actual provocations (neither she nor the reader knows!) continue. She grows more scared, but has two new allies. One is Jamie, a male friend she makes at Croyden. Unfortunately, she doesn’t make any female friends because she is also the immediate object of interest of the Beyond-Hot Guy, Noah Shaw. Noah is rich and gorgeous and bored with all the vapid girls of Croyden. Mara is sardonic and sassy and seemingly immune to his charms (but self-confident Noah knows better). Noah pursues Mara, and so she is hated by the rest of the girls, led by the jealous and popular Anna, who tried to win over Noah but failed.Meanwhile, Mara’s life becomes more and more of a nightmare – both in terms of what happens when she sleeps AND when she is awake. No one in her otherwise exceedingly loving and supportive family finds her stories credible. Noah, however, is different. But he believes her because he knows more about Mara than she knows about herself. And the two of them are about to find out they aren’t the only ones who know what is really going on. Evaluation: The author does a good job of combining a bunch of very overused YA tropes and mixing them into something a bit more unusual and nicely scary. You’ve got some "Blair Witch Project," some "I Know What You Did Last Summer," some standard scary tropes like “creepy locale,” “foreshadowing event,” “freaky doll” and “shocking secret villain” along with the usual teen triangle tropes like “hot sexy guy,” “insouciant girl,” “mean jealous girl,” “crazy jealous guy, and "repressed adolescent passion.” Taken together and mashed up with a few more oddball tropes it would be spoilery to mention, Hodkin delivers a fairly frightening Halloween read.Note: If you read these books and think the story doesn’t seem very realistic, check out “The Story Behind the Story” on the author’s blog (scroll down to the bottom), telling about what inspired her to write this. It’s almost scarier than the book! Note 2: No sex, although it is often discussed (or as we used to say in my high school, "all yack and no sack.") There is hardly even any kissing! No drugs; some rock and roll. But plenty of Halloween-story-type violence!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I enjoyed The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer and was hoping that this book would cut down a little on the romance and provide a solid, thrilling plot line to expand on the world it introduced. Creepy, intense and convoluted, I think that while The Evolution of Mara Dyer makes up for the way its predecessor strayed into romance and forgot all about the plot, it seems to me that it’s over compensated. This book is almost nothing but plot, and not in a good way.There is very little character development – Mara is rapidly losing her grip on reality and although Noah is around to help ground her and provide strength, she begins the novel scared and determined to fight back, and ends the novel scared and determined to fight back. In between are a multitude of what I can only describe as the usual shop of horrors stuff – creepy dolls, crows, sleep walking and things re-appearing after they have been discarded, writing on mirrors and walls. And there’s so much of it that I quickly became desensitized, and the book stopped being thrilling and became annoying.There are points to applaud about the book – I liked the flashbacks into the past, but there is no explanation or exploration of them. I continue to enjoy the relationships that Mara has with her family, I enjoy reading books with positive familial relationships. I liked Noah, I think he has grown a lot since the first book and I liked seeing another side of him after being over-exposed to his ‘mysterious, rich, hot dude’ persona in Unbecoming. His family life was also great to explore, and I have these theories about his father that I look forward to testing out in Retribution.But ultimately, I didn’t like how the author basically offers no answers to the questions she posed in Unbecoming (and the ones she did provide seemed unsatisfactory to me). I didn’t enjoy that there are now twice as many questions to be answered in Retribution (that book is shaping up to be a series to revelations, from the looks of things). I didn’t like the cliffhanger, and I most definitely didn’t like that this book was so long. It seemed stretched out, thin (like butter scraped over too much bread), and in my opinion this premise would have done better as a duology.The Evolution of Mara Dyer is everything you have come to expect from a sequel that primarily serves as filler material between the initiating and concluding volumes of a series. The things I liked about it and that infernal cliffhanger ensure that I will be back for more in The Retribution of Mara Dyer, but I have given up hope of the series rising above my expectations and surprising me. A pity, because the potential was there.A copy of this book was provided by the publisher for review.You can read more of my reviews at Speculating on SpecFic.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5See the full review at Short & Sweet Reviews.
I didn't love this book, but it was still interesting enough to keep me going to the end, and, yeah, I'm guessing I'll read the final book when it comes out, too, just to know what happens. Like the first book, what really kept me hooked were the horror/thriller elements. I'm willing to overlook a lot for a book that does this well, and that's really where Evolution... succeeds. Also, Mara and Noah spend a lot of time apart in this one, not necessarily by choice. That was good because it kept them from getting too shmoopy and kept me from rolling my eyes too much, but it also meant that Mara spent a lot of time pining after him when he was away.
The paranormal element in this book seems to be ratcheted up a few more notches, as Mara begins to experience flashbacks to a life she never lived, but the core emphasis in this book is the psychological thriller aspect. Everyone's convinced that Mara's seeing things, hallucinating, that she's mentally unstable. Everyone but Mara and Noah, at least. That leads to a lot of really chilling moments where even the reader is left wondering what is and isn't real. Mara hasn't been the most reliable of narrators, so it's very easy to start questioning everything that happens.
The end of the book begins to unravel the paranormal aspect, sorting out some of the major plotlines but leaving plenty of questions for what will happen next. This is vague to avoid spoilers, but I feel like one of the "aha!" moments at the very end was kind of odd and majorly changes the tone of the first two books in a way that I'm not sure I like. I'll hold out on my feelings on that until the third book, to see how it's resolved. A lot of reviews for this book are also along the lines of "the end of this book punched me in the heart". I am not invested enough in the characters to feel the same way, but if you're in love with Mara and Noah and all the rest, you may have a lot of feelings about things that happen. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Wow! What an emotional roller coaster ride... To say this one was a mind f* is an understatement. My heart just broke for Mara. Her family still thinks she is crazy. They don't believe anything she says. She spends time in a mental ward and has to act like everything is fine to be released. Once released she finds herself tangled in more danger and eventually a seat at a daily therapy retreat. Noah is once again by her side and refusing to do anything, but protect her *swoon*. Together they try to piece together the nightmares, freaky dolls, charms, hallucinations, and the past to present relation.
This book is everything a sequel should be. You get answers to questions and there is true development in the storyline. It's like reading a book for the first time all over again. Nothing felt repeated or lacking in importance. Each and every word came together to form a hauntingly, emotional, beautiful read.
This is YA read, but edged on the adult side. The sexual tension has progressed to actions and the romance is actually quite yummy. Noah will always be one of my favorites and this paranormal series will always be on my top reads list! - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5OMG. I can't believe how this book ended. Such a cliffhanger. This book was so good. The ending was pretty shocking. I am annoyed I have to wait until November for the next book.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Evolution of Mara Dyer was one of the best books I've read all year. The ARC has been sitting on my Kindle for awhile, waiting to be read, but between midterms, the GRE, and graduate school applications, I haven't had time to read it. I was missing out, but this book was definitely worth the wait. As most of you know, I wasn't a huge fan of the firs Mara Dyer book, but this novel was much better than the first. This is one story you do not want to miss. I'd recommend The Evolution of Mara Dyer to both fans of the first book and to people like me, who weren't completely sold on the first installment. Mara has always been a fascinating character, but she really came into her own in this novel. I felt like I got to know her much better, and she grew a lot as a character. I now respect her and feel that she does the best she can with what she has to work with. She's not a narrator that's easily trusted, but that makes the novel that much more interesting. I really enjoyed seeing things from her point of view this time around. Noah completely won me over in this book. I absolutely adore him! He's tortured, but not angsty. He's strong and intelligent, and he went to great lengths for Mara. He's just a terrific hero. We also got to know the supporting characters a little bit better this time around, but I still would have liked to learn more about Jamie. He's incredibly interesting. Also, I enjoyed getting to know Daniel better. I would have liked to have seen more of Joseph, but maybe we'll get that in the next novel. The characters seemed, for the most part, well-developed and realistic. The plot was a bit confusing and had a million twists and turns that kept me guessing. Instead of feeling frustrated and lost, like I did with the first Mara Dyer book, I felt intrigued. I couldn't put this book down! I'm not sure if Hodkin changed how she wrote things or if I have just changed as a reader. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed the non-stop mystery/action/suspense. It ended on another cliffhanger, which I hate, but that's okay. I don't feel like I read this entire book without a purpose. The story moved forward, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Overall, I'd recommend this book to anyone who has read the first Mara Dyer book. If you haven't read the first one, then you'll be lost when you pick this one up. So I suggest everyone go out and buy the first and/or second installment(s) and enter this disturbing world. You won't be sorry.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Not sure what this is now - paranormal/sci-fi teen romance but I will keep reading to see how it all plays out. I read the author has rewritten the final book and we have a long wait. The cliffhanger is not terrible but it is a cliffhanger. So if that bugs you, wait for the final book before you start this series. Noah and Mara are a unique couple. Very interesting things happen to them that required me to remind myself, let it go it's just fiction who cares if it isn't at all plausible.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I rather enjoyed this book. It is creepy and unsettling, a story about how well-meaning but closed-minded people would react if a teenage girl started to think she had superpowers. Rather than treating her as a budding superhero, they have her committed, and instead of having the support of her family she is completely isolated, with practically no one who is willing to even try to understand her as anything other than mentally ill. I had too many gripes to give this one a full 5 stars though.
I had some issues with how naive and gullible Mara is, because she could have spared herself a lot of grief by exploring her powers in private and just accepting that her powers, like sex and other teenage experiments, won't be a conversation her parents should share. If she had been more like me, or at least more like the teens I hung out with at her age, her powers might have gone unnoticed by her family for a long time, till she had had a chance to work out her own equilibrium with her supernatural side.
On a more structural note, I started with book 2, because the library didn't have book 1, and I found some of the plot threads very hard to follow because there was too little background provided from the first book. In particular, the whole mess with Joseph made very little sense till finally on ~pg400 one of the characters finally states what happened with Joseph in book 1. There were allusions to this incident pretty much from the beginning, but only as murky, super cryptic hints, to a point where I dismissed Joseph as an unimportant side character and almost forgot who he even was until that explanation on ~pg400. Mara's superpower was also awfully cryptically or incompletely described, to the extent that it was hard to believe she thought she actually had one. Surely she would be obsessively going through the sequence of events of every instance where she used her powers, and this would translate into the book since it was told in first person from her perspective.
I enjoyed the self-referential bit where Mara and her brother are discussing how she might write her story in first person, allowing the suggestion that she did just that and we're reading the result. It is always more satisfying for me when I have at least a shadow of a reason why the book I am reading is in first person, in other words why and how I am hearing this story from this character. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Evolution of Mara Dyer is stunning. Second books in a trilogy or series usually are not as good as the first. That is not the case with this book. I don't even know how to explain this book. You will be blown away when you read the ending. I will be buying the third in this trilogy tonight. I must know what happens.I love the relationships between all the characters in this book. I think they are very true to real life. They are realistic. I know that is part of what I loved so much about this book. The characters themselves seem real to me. I can feel The fear, the worry, and the surprise when the characters feel them. Jude was so creepy. Holy cow. Loooooooved this book!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I'm utterly speechless after reading this book. WOW. JUST WOW. I didn't expect to like it very much. I was completely blown away.
I find some things very confusing but maybe the author meant to write it that way. I can't tell how many times I've said "What the hell?" while reading this. I am continuously surprised by the flow of the story. It was never predictable. And I liked it that way.
Mara Dyer is so complicated and I can't describe her properly. Through the story, sometimes, I genuinely thought that she's a psycho. I have so many guesses. But then, my theory would be proven wrong so I just stop and see where the story would lead.
I laughed out loud because of Noah. Yes, Noah Shaw. Is there a more perfect hero than him? He was so adorable. oh my gosh, I am fangirling and I don't care. *insert screaming lunatic gif here*
"You like them," I realized. "Like as people."
Noah's eyebrows lifted.
"As opposed to.... Furniture?"
Noah was everything you could ask for. And when he blamed himself for not being able to help Mara when she was handled by Jude, MY HEART JUST SIMPLY BROKE WITH HIM.
Near the ending, I cried with these characters. I felt their pain and fear that is so raw. Their desperation. Everything is just. Was just. Ugh. Everything was too much. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. What the hell, Dr. Kells?
In the Evolution of Mara Dyer, I felt every thing. I was terrified. I fell in love. I was terribly sad and frustrated. There's a lot of emotions that I'm still dealing with right now. And I don't know if I'll ever move on.
The ending. Really, why do the authors like torturing their awesome readers by leaving them hanging? I have to wait 4 freaking months, I think. But I know for sure that it'll be worth the wait. If I just knew how to insert GIFs, I would probably flood this with so many. But whatever.
*clapping* - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I read this in two days. I couldn’t put it down. Sure, the beginning dragged A BIT, but once you hit the last 150 pages or so, everything is suddenly worth it. There’s action, there’s romance, everything you really need in a good book. Definitely something. Also, the narration was utterly, bitterly, and satisfyingly unreliable. Some parts made me really ponder if Mara’s crazy, but the dreamy Noah Shaw was there to assure us readers that she isn’t. Don’t make the mistake of not reading this frightening book, that made my blood run cold at times. READ IT. And read the first book if you haven’t.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5teen fiction. I liked part 1 better, since the second book takes place mostly from the inside of various mental institutions (and also away from Mara's love interest). But there's a pretty big cliff hanger at the end of this one, so I suppose I need to read the third one now, if I don't forget all of the relevant plot points before its publication (I managed to forget most of part 1, and I'd read that only a month before starting this one).
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5this is better than the first one. the pacing, the romance was good, twists and turns was great.
I feel Frustrating about what happened at the ending (still didn't know what is going on though) and really want to see how it going to end. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5In my world, how great a book is is defined by how long it takes me to read it and whether I was able to do anything else while reading it (you know - like sleep). Luckily, I started The Evolution of Mara Dyer first thing on a Sunday morning. Otherwise, I would have stayed up all night reading it. There is no doubt about that. I read it straight through on a Sunday and did not stop for anything. I tuned out the whole world because I was entranced by this story. Most of the time, I can figure out where a story is going to go but that just doesn't happen with these books. Hodkin is a master at storytelling and keeping her endgame hidden from the reader. I've got no clue where she's going with Mara and Noah but I can't wait to find out. Speaking of Noah, he is one of the best book boyfriends ever. I absolutely love him.
On a side note, I have formed a really terrific theory (in my humble opinion) based solely on my reader of Rachel Vincent's Soul Screamer series. I'm probably way off but I sure can expound on that theory until the final book comes out next year.
I definitely recommend this series although I might suggest waiting until closer to publication of the final book next year because you won't like the ending. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was originally reviewed with my friend Christina on The Book Hookup
My heart can’t take it. I thought the first book was amazing, but this, this was worse for my heart. Or do I mean better? With that ending I’m not sure! Michelle Hodkin is pure genius. This book picks up immediately where the first one left off and we jump right back on that roller coaster. Mara seems likes she is losing it, but we know she isn’t. Whatever is going on is bigger than we first thought, and instead of becoming clearer the layers keep building to create a very complex story. But it’s oh so simply told. It was exquisite.
Noah and Mara’s relationship: I. Have. No. Words. That boy will be the death (or ruins ;) ) of me. The chemistry is outstanding, we are talking off the charts sizzling. I’m pretty sure I freaked out while I was reading it. *flails just thinking about it* It is swoony to the bajillionth degree.
Then there’s the ending. Holy sh*it! Again, I was clutching my heart and screaming, “wtf was that?!” I expected a few things, but OMG, that? No way! God, I love when an author totally surprises me. So intense, but oh so worth it.
You must read this book for 3 reasons: 1. Noah 2. the story 3. the ending.
Trust me, you won’t regret it! - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5so good
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is so amazing
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Like I mentioned in my review of the first in this series, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, I went and purchased this book immediately after finishing the previous. I absolutely loved the first book with its romance and thrilling/creepy moments and the cliffhangers, but this book was EVEN BETTER.I had NO idea that the story was going to go in this direction and now I’m left with even more questions than answers and having to wait six months for the final installment to be published. The creepy factor has gone WAY up and there were moments where I seriously regretted reading it at 3 or 5 in the morning.The writing is so amazing that there were times where I had to remind myself that I am not Mara Dyer and the events were not happening to me. But Hodkin’s style of writing an her amazing talent made me want to cry with Mara or rage with her as she went through all the ordeals.The characters are still amazing and you meet some new players who are either interesting, freaky, sick in the mind or maniacal. The story has taken a turn for the worst better and I have no idea what is going to happen next. This series has become an immediate favourite and so has the author. I want to scream from the rooftops that everyone should read this book.Seriously, it’s amazing and I have no idea why it hasn’t gotten more notice from the online book communities (or at least the ones I am part of).
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- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I just really love the Mara Dyer series. Michelle Hodkin just loves playing with us! Is Mara crazy or isn’t she? It would appear that this was answered at the end of The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, but as we find out at the beginning of The Evolution of Mara Dyer, it really wasn’t.Mara is just as unreliable a narrator as ever and we constantly have to question what she tells us. Since the entire novel is told from her perspective and we do know that some of the things that she has told us aren’t entirely true, we still have to question her sanity. This was by far my favorite part of the novel.The plot isn’t particularly action packed, but it still had a heart pounding, suspenseful quality to it because of the situations Mara believes are happening (which may or may not be really happening). By the end of the novel we finally do have an answer to whether or not Mara is crazy, and while it wasn’t the answer I wanted, it was still a spectacular read.The secondary characters were less memorable this time around, and while I still love Joseph and like Daniel, Noah did lose a lot of his charm. He is still a great character and I really did enjoy quite a few of the Mara/Noah scenes, but he came across as a bit pompous this time around. He also doesn’t really act like a teenage boy. A lot of his comments sound like they are coming from a much older man.The Evolution of Mara Dyer has all of the elements I loved in The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer—an enjoyable cast of secondary characters (even if they weren’t quite as strong as the first time around) and a thrilling quest to figure out if Mara is sane or certifiable. It is the perfect story for fans of novels such as Turn of the Screw and Shutter Island.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Okay. Remember all of those things that I had issues with (some lack of feminism, some cultural ignorance) in the first book? It's like Michelle Hodkin stepped inside my brain and said, "Hey, you want to know what's going on with those things? You got it," and then delivered in the second book.
First, Mara’s world isn’t just gritty — it’s downright chilling. In the best way possible. Part psychological thriller, part gothic horror, Evolution is an eerie, imaginatively thrilling ride, in which Mara grapples furiously with both her mental illness and the fact that she does not have psychosis, even though everyone thinks she does — and that’s without the creepy doll nightmares (ugh, creepy dolls) and other supernatural, well, madness. The delicate dance between the these elements may feel a little haphazard, but once again the poignant prose (I can’t get the words You will love him to ruins out of my head, even if it is melodramatic) keeps you moving through it well.
What I appreciated was that now that Mara and Noah are an Established Couple or whatnot, their romance stops being so agonizingly why can’t I stay away from you omg and takes a refreshing breath — without losing its potency in the least. I think one of my favorite lines will forever be:
If I were to live a thousand years, I would belong to you for all of them. If we were to live a thousand lives, I would want to make you mean in each one.
Ugh, the energy and thrill that line elicits!
Still, Mara struggles with her lack of independence, which I really appreciated. She knows she needs help, and she wishes fiercely that she didn’t. It’s rare these days to find a heroine who knows she can’t do it herself, and wishes she could anyway:
And he couldn’t fathom how much I hated needing help. Noah had said before that I wasn’t broken but I was, and he was learning that he couldn’t fix me. But I didn’t want to be the injured bird who needed healing, the sick girl who needed sympathy. Noah was different like me but he wasn’t broken like me.
How often do you see a heroine in a supernatural and/or YA novel these days that actually owns the fact that she has difficulty doing things for herself? And, more importantly, wants to fix it — herself? I think that speaks volumes to Mara’s characterization. She’s not just tough and fierce, she’s not just lonely and vulnerable — even more than that. She’s complicated. And I love me a complicated woman.
The other thing I was so pleased about is that the cultural blindness that was going on in the first book is, if not cured, then at least addressed by Mara — and, based on the flashbacks, it seems like there is a reason the author has made that the case. And it seems like steps are being taken in the right direction to change that, slowly, which makes me feel much better about it.
Also,
Sometimes, Noah, I feel an overwhelming urge to punch you in the face.
But, happily, said overwhelming urge occurs less and less in this book. Noah feels more…settled. He’s still fierce and defiant, but way less obnoxious. Sadly, that apparently also means that he’s rather less humorous (one of the few complaints I had with this book), but still, his characterization is pretty riveting, if a little pretentious (but then, as I said in my review for the last book, that actually works because it makes him distinctly human). One thing I really I adored is how he and Mara are always in it together, seamlessly, as a team, 100%. There is no waffling back and forth about “can I trust you, can I not trust you, what does all of this mean.” It’s always “I believe in you. I have your back, no matter what.” That, I think, is what made it so refreshing — because they were sure of each other, it meant everyone (including the reader) could focus more intensely on what was going on. And believe me, what was going on took your full, undivided attention.
Another full, fantastic installment in a breathtaking trilogy. I can’t wait to see what Mara does when she’s “released from her cage”!1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5I'm giving up on this one. I tried to get into it for the sake of how much I loved the first book but I can't do it. The whole beginning is too bogged down in ominous mystery. I just can't get into it. I probably won't read the third book.
I can say this is probably all my fault, I'm just impatient to get into a story and if it doesn't grip me from the beginning I move on. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I don't know why I tend to get drawn into books like this, given the silliness of the teen romance elements, but the mystery of what's really going on has me hooked. I'm saving the third book for the holiday break.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Michelle Hodkin, where have you been all my life? Hodkin's writing style is utterly amazing, not to mention the plot that goes along with it. After reading this book and the previous (The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer) I have come to conclusion that Hodkin could write any type of book at all and I would gladly purchase it with a huge grin on my face. Not very often do I come across a book that literally takes my breath away. This book left me sitting on the edge of my seat, with no fingernails left to mention. Sadly, I will have to patiently wait for the third book coming in 2014. For those of you who haven't already read this book, read it slowly (if you can)! It deserves the attention and praise I give it. Had I have known the effect it would have on me I would have indulged in it a little longer. Instead I am now clinging to the anticipation of getting my hands on book number three.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book!! Omg! Amazing! I can't wait to read the last one.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Actually, a 3.5 rating. Honestly, I like the idea very much behind these books - there is a mystery, stuff is happening, and I admittedly know very little about the workings of mental health facilities - I just think the "angst" thing is far too overdone. Even for a young adult book. Underneath a lot of the "I'm horrible I've failed he hates me doom doom" there is a story that could be absolutely fascinating, and every once in a while, the author actually surprises me, and I continued on.
I like the idea of "where is the line between being insane and being different"... I know it's been done millions of times, but nonetheless, it is still an interesting conundrum. To me anyway. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was a fantastic continuation of the Mara Dyer series. These books have been such creepy, mysterious, and addictive reads. I really have been enjoying them and can't wait to see how things wrap up in the third book. There are spoilers for the first book in this review, so just FYI.I listened to this on audiobook and the audiobook was very well done. The narrator sounds exactly like I imagine Mara Dyer would sound and does a great job with character voices and emotions. If you like audiobooks I would definitely recommend listening to this series on audiobook.Mara wakes up to find out she has been forcibly committed by her parents after the incidents in the first book. She is working to get “better” so that she can get herself moved to outpatient care and hopefully be at home to protect her parents from Jude. However Jude’s attacks are getting more and more creepy and manipulative and Mara is finding herself increasingly haunted and frustrated. Noah fully supports her and Noah and Mara struggle to figure out the truth of their strange powers while trying to protect Mara’s family from Jude. What they find is bigger and scarier than anything they could have imagined at the beginning of all of this.This is one of those books where you wish the poor heroine could get some sort of break. Horrible thing after horrible thing happens to Mara and her parents never believe her about what is going on (granted if Mara actually calmed down and calmly talked to them about everything I think they would be a bit more understanding). I am really hoping that Mara finds some happiness in the third book because this second book was a pretty big struggle for her.I continue to really enjoy Noah as a character; he is almost supernaturally supportive of Mara...although we see a darker side to him as well in this book. Many of the other side characters that Mara meets at the outpatient care facility are also very intriguing and Jaimie is in the book quite a bit as well.Some of the mystery behind Noah and Mara’s strange powers is revealed but many things are as yet unexplained. The book is well written, incredibly hard to put down, and very intense. It does, however, end on a huge cliffhanger again...which is something I hate.Overall this was an incredibly engaging paranormal mystery. The characters are intriguing and easy to relate to and the book is just about impossible to put down. I am incredibly curious to see how things wrap up with the last book in the series. I would recommend this to readers who enjoy creepy paranormal mysteries.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5OMG. I can't believe how this book ended. Such a cliffhanger. This book was so good. The ending was pretty shocking. I am annoyed I have to wait until November for the next book.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I have no idea what just happened. I really liked the fact that reality was really blurred while I was reading this, but I feel like everything was a little too abstract. It's really hard to elaborate on my feelings without spoiling, but PLOT TWISTS! I was really confused in a good and bad way at the end of the book, and kind of through the whole thing. This book managed to go nowhere with a super slow and repetitive plot. Somehow, I was still engaged. It was pretty frustrating.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This is the second novel in the Mara Dyer trilogy and it was just as engaging as the first novel. I'm pretty excited to read what happens next.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Stupid sequel. There were some great bits in this book, the doll, the strange visions, the creepy lunatics. But I was annoyed by the writing. The repitition of the conversations got boring -I'm scared I'll hurt you, no you won't, oh yes I will, no no no, yes yes yes. For crying out loud shut up and do something else! I got to the point where I hoped she spontaneously combusted because she was so bloody boring! The love scenes were crap. Noah feels like home... All the time, nothing else and has delicate hip bones, wears his comfy jeans 'that way' and runs his hands through his hair constantly... Christian Grey anyone??I was eager to finish this trilogy after reading the first book but I really couldn't care less anymore. Meh!
Book preview
The Evolution of Mara Dyer - Michelle Hodkin
PREFACE
YOU WILL LOVE HIM TO RUINS.
The words echoed in my mind as I ran through clots of laughing people. Blinking lights and delighted screams bled together in a riot of sound and color. I knew Noah was behind me. I knew he would catch up. But my feet tried to do what my heart couldn’t; they tried to leave him behind.
I finally ran out of breath beneath a leering clown that pointed to the entrance to the Hall of Mirrors. Noah caught up to me easily. He turned me to face him and I stood there, my wrist in his grasp, my cheeks wet with tears, my heart splintered by her words.
If I truly loved him, she said, I would let him go.
I wished I loved him enough.
1
LILLIAN AND ALFRED RICE
PSYCHIATRIC UNIT
Miami, Florida
I WOKE UP ON THE MORNING OF SOME DAY IN SOME hospital to find a stranger sitting in my room.
I sat up gingerly—my shoulder was sore—and studied the stranger. She had dark brown hair that bled into gray at the roots, and hazel eyes with webs of crow’s feet at the corners. She smiled at me, and her whole face moved.
Good morning, Mara,
she said.
Good morning,
I said back. My voice was low and hoarse. It didn’t sound like my own.
Do you know where you are?
She obviously didn’t realize that the floor directory was positioned directly outside the window behind her, and that from the bed, I had a clear view. I’m at the Lillian and Alfred Rice Psychiatric Unit.
Apparently.
Do you know who I am?
I had no idea, but I tried not to show it; she wouldn’t have asked me if we’d never met, and if we had met, I should remember her. Yes,
I lied.
What’s my name?
Damn. My chest rose and fell quickly with my breath.
I’m Dr. West,
she said evenly. Her voice was warm and friendly but not at all familiar. We met yesterday, when you were brought in by your parents and a detective by the name of Vincent Gadsen.
Yesterday.
Do you remember?
I remembered seeing my father lying pale and wounded in a hospital bed after he was shot by the mother of a murdered girl.
I remembered that I was the one who made her do it.
I remembered going to the police station to confess to stealing my teacher’s EpiPen and releasing fire ants in her desk, which is why she died of anaphylactic shock.
I remembered that it wasn’t true—just a lie I would feed the police so they would keep me from hurting anyone I loved again. Because they wouldn’t believe I wished my teacher dead and that not long after, she died. Choked to death on a swollen tongue, exactly the way I imagined she would.
I remembered that before I could tell anyone any of this, I saw Jude at the Thirteenth Precinct of the Metro Dade Police Department. Looking very much alive.
But I did not remember coming here to the hospital. I didn’t remember being brought. After Jude appeared, I remembered nothing else.
You were admitted yesterday afternoon,
the stranger—Dr. West—said. The detective called your parents when they couldn’t get you to stop screaming.
I closed my eyes and saw Jude’s face as he walked by me. Brushed past me. Smiled. The memory stained the backs of my eyelids, and I opened them quickly, just to see something else.
You told them that your boyfriend, Jude Lowe, who you thought died in a building collapse in December, is alive.
Ex,
I said quietly, fighting to stay calm.
Excuse me?
Ex-boyfriend.
Dr. West tilted her head slightly and employed her carefully neutral psychologist expression, one I recognized well since I’d seen it often on my psychologist mother. Particularly in the past few months.
"You said that you caused the abandoned asylum in Rhode Island to collapse, crushing your best friend, Rachel, and Jude’s sister, Claire, inside. You said Jude sexually assaulted you, which is why you tried to kill him. And you said he survived. You said he’s here."
She was perfectly calm as she spoke, which magnified my panic. Those words in her mouth sounded crazy, even though they were true. And if Dr. West knew, then so did—
Your mother brought you here for an evaluation.
My mother. My family. They would have heard the truth too, even though I hadn’t planned to tell it. Even though I didn’t remember telling it.
And this was where it got me.
We didn’t begin yesterday because you were sedated.
My fingers wandered up my arm, beneath the short sleeve of my white T-shirt. There was a Band-Aid on my skin, covering what must have been the injection site.
Where is she?
I asked, picking at the Band-Aid.
Where is who?
My mother.
My eyes scanned the hallway through the glass, but I didn’t see her. The hall looked empty. If I could just talk to her, maybe I could explain.
She’s not here.
That didn’t sound like my mother. She didn’t leave my side once when I was admitted to the hospital after the asylum collapsed. I told Dr. West as much.
Would you like to see her?
Yes.
Okay, we can see if we can work that out later.
Her tone made it sound like that would be a treat for good behavior, and I didn’t like it. I swung my legs over the bed and stood up. I was wearing drawstring pants, not the jeans I last remembered myself in. My mother must have brought them from home. Someone must have changed me. I swallowed hard. I think I want to see her now.
Dr. West stood up as well. Mara, she isn’t here.
Then I’ll go find her,
I said, and started looking for my Chucks. I crouched to look under the bed, but they weren’t there.
Where are my shoes?
I asked, still crouched.
We had to take them.
I rose then, and faced her. Why?
They had laces.
My eyes narrowed. So?
You were brought here because your mother thought you may be a danger to yourself and others.
I really need to talk to her,
I said then, struggling to keep my voice even. I bit down hard on my bottom lip.
You’ll be able to.
When?
Well, I’d like you to speak with someone first, and have a doctor come in, just to make sure you’re—
And if I don’t want to?
Dr. West just looked at me. Her expression was sad.
My throat wanted to close. You can’t keep me here unless I consent,
I managed to say. I knew that much, at least. I was a lawyer’s daughter and I was seventeen years old. They couldn’t keep me here unless I wanted to be kept. Unless—
You were screaming and hysterical and you slipped. When one of our nurses tried to help you up, you punched her.
No.
It became an emergency situation, so under the Baker Act, your parents were able to consent for you.
I whispered so I wouldn’t scream. What are you saying?
I’m sorry, but you’ve been involuntarily committed.
2
WE HOPE THAT YOU’LL ALLOW A DOCTOR TO DO a physical examination, she said kindly.
And that you’ll consent to our treatment plan."
What if I don’t?
I asked.
Well, your parents still have time to file the appropriate papers with the court while you’re here—but it would be really wonderful for you, and for them, if you cooperated with us. We’re here to help you.
I couldn’t quite remember ever feeling so lost.
Mara,
Dr. West said, drawing my eyes to hers, do you understand what this means?
It means that Jude is alive and no one believes it but me.
It means that there is something wrong with me, but it isn’t what they think.
It means that I’m alone.
But then my racing thoughts trailed an image in their wake. A memory.
The beige walls of the psychiatric unit evaporated and became glass. I saw myself in the passenger seat of a car—Noah’s car—and saw my cheeks stained with tears. Noah was next to me, his hair messy and perfect and his eyes defiant as they held mine.
There is something seriously wrong with me, and there’s nothing anyone can do to fix it,
I said to him then.
Let me try,
he said back.
That was before he knew just how deeply screwed up I was, but even when the last piece of my armor cracked on marble courthouse steps, revealing the ugliness beneath it, Noah wasn’t the one who left.
I was.
Because I killed four people—five, if my dad’s client never woke up—with nothing more than a thought. And the number could have been higher—would have been higher, if Noah hadn’t saved my father’s life. I never meant to hurt the people I loved, but Rachel was still dead and my father was still shot. Less than forty-eight hours ago, I thought the best way to keep them safe was to keep myself away.
But things were different, now. Jude made them different.
No one knew the truth about me. No one but Noah. Which meant he was the only one who could possibly fix this. I had to talk to him.
Mara?
I forced myself to focus on Dr. West.
Will you let us help you?
Help me? I wanted to ask. By giving me more drugs when I’m not sick, not with anything worse than PTSD? I’m not psychotic, I wanted to say.
I’m not.
But I didn’t appear to have much of a choice, so I forced myself to say yes. But I want to talk to my mother first,
I added.
I’ll give her a call after your physical—okay?
It wasn’t. Not at all. But I nodded and Dr. West grinned, deepening the folds in her face, looking for all the world like a warm, kindly grandmother. Maybe she was.
When she left, it was all I could do not to fall apart; but I didn’t have time. She was immediately replaced by a penlight-wielding doctor who asked me questions about my appetite and other wildly mundane details, which I answered calmly with a careful tongue. And then he left, and I was offered some food, and one of the staff—a counselor? A nurse?—showed me the unit. It was quieter than I imagined a psych ward would be, and with fewer obvious psychos. A couple of kids were quietly reading. One watched TV. Another talked with a friend. They looked up at me when I passed by, but otherwise, I went unacknowledged.
When I was eventually led back to the bedroom, I was shocked to find my mother in it.
Anyone else wouldn’t have noticed what a mess she was. Her clothes were unwrinkled. Her skin was still flawless. Not a single hair was out of place. But hopelessness trampled her posture and fear dulled her eyes. She was holding it together, but just barely.
She was holding it together for me.
I wanted to hug her and shake her at the same time. But I just stood there, cemented to the floor.
She rushed up to hug me. I let her, but my arms were chained to my sides and I couldn’t hug her back.
She pulled back and smoothed the hair from my face. Studied my eyes. I am so sorry, Mara.
Really.
My voice was flat.
I couldn’t have hurt her more if I had smacked her. How could you say that?
she asked.
Because I woke up in a psychiatric unit today.
The words were bitter in my mouth.
She backed up and sat on the bed, which had been freshly made since I was last in it. She shook her head, and her lacquer-black hair swung with the movement. When you left the hospital yesterday, I thought you were tired and going home. So when the police called?
Her voice cracked, and she held her hand up to her throat. Your father was shot, and then to pick up the phone and hear the police say, ‘Mrs. Dyer, we’re calling about your daughter?’
A tear fell from one of her eyes and she quickly wiped it away. "I thought you’d been in a car accident. I thought you were dead."
My mother wrapped her arms around her waist and hunched forward. "I was so terrified I dropped the phone. Daniel picked it up. He explained what was happening—that you were at the police station, hysterical. He stayed with your father and I rushed there to get you but you were wild, Mara, she said, and looked at me.
Wild. I never thought . . . Her voice trailed off and she seemed to be staring right through me.
You were screaming that Jude is alive."
I did something brave, then. Or stupid. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
I decided to trust her. I looked my mother in the eye and said, without any trace of doubt in my expression or voice, "He is."
How would that be possible, Mara?
My mother’s voice was toneless.
I don’t know,
I admitted, because I didn’t have a clue. But I saw him.
I sat down next to her on the bed, but not close.
My mom pushed her hair away from her face. Could it have been a hallucination?
She avoided my eyes. Like the other times? Like the earrings?
I had asked myself that same question. I’d seen things before—my grandmother’s earrings at the bottom of my bathtub, even though they were still in my ears. Classroom walls collapsing around me, maggots squirming in my food.
And I had seen Claire. I saw her in mirrors. I heard her voice.
You two kids have fun.
I saw Jude in mirrors. I heard his voice, too.
You need to take your mind off this place.
But now I knew that I had heard them say those same words twice. Not just in mirrors at home. In the asylum.
I didn’t imagine those words. I remembered them. From the night of the collapse.
But at the precinct it was different. Jude spoke to an officer. I strained to remember what he said.
Can you tell me where I can report a missing person? I think I’m lost.
I never heard him say those words before. They were new. And he said them before he touched me.
He touched me. I felt him.
That was not a hallucination. He was real. He was alive, and he was here.
3
MY MOTHER WAS STILL WAITING FOR AN answer to her question, so I gave her one. I shook my head fiercely. No.
Jude was alive. He wasn’t a hallucination. I was sure.
She sat there immobile for just a beat too long. Then, finally, she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Daniel’s here to see you,
she said and stood. She bent to kiss the crown of my head just as the door opened, revealing my older brother. The two of them shared a glance, but as Daniel entered the room he expertly masked his concern.
His thick black hair was uncharacteristically messy and dark circles ringed his dark eyes. He smiled at me—it was too easy, too quick—and leaned down to wrap me in a hug. I’m so glad you’re okay,
he said as he squeezed. I couldn’t quite hug him back either.
Then he let go and added too lightly, And I can’t believe you took my keys. Where’s my house key, by the way?
My forehead creased. What?
My house key. It’s missing from my key ring. Which you took before driving my car to the police station.
Oh.
I had no memory of taking it, and no memory of what I did with it. Sorry.
It’s okay. Not like you were getting into any trouble or anything,
he said, squinting at me.
What are you doing?
Giving you the side-eye.
Well, it looks like you’re having a stroke,
I said, unable to help my smile. Daniel flashed one of his own—a real one, this time.
I almost had a heart attack when Mom almost had a heart attack,
he said, his voice quiet. Serious. I’m—I’m happy you’re okay.
I looked around the room. Okay is a relative term, I think.
Touché.
I’m surprised they’re letting you see me,
I said. The way the psychiatrist was acting, I was starting to think I was on lockdown or something.
Daniel shrugged his shoulders and shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable.
Which made me cautious. What?
He sucked in his lips.
Out with it, Daniel.
I’m supposed to try to convince you to stay.
I narrowed my eyes at him. For how long?
He didn’t say.
How long?
Indefinitely.
My face grew hot. Mom didn’t have the guts to tell me herself?
That’s not it,
he said, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. She thinks you don’t trust her.
"She’s the one who doesn’t trust me. She hasn’t since . . ." Since the collapse, I almost said. I didn’t finish my sentence, but judging by Daniel’s expression, I didn’t need to. She doesn’t believe anything I say,
I finished. I hadn’t meant to sound like such a child, but I couldn’t help it. I half-expected Daniel to call me out but he just gave me the same look he always gave me. He was my brother. My best friend. I hadn’t changed to him.
And that made me want to tell him everything. About the asylum, Rachel, Mabel, my teacher. All of it.
If I told him calmly—not panicked, in a police station, but rationally, after a full night’s sleep—if I explained everything, maybe he would understand.
I needed to be understood.
So I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, like I was preparing to launch myself off a cliff. In a way, I guess, I was. Jude is here.
Daniel swallowed and then asked carefully, In the room?
I shot him a glare. No, you ass. In Florida. In Miami.
His expression didn’t change.
"He was in the police station, Daniel. I saw him. He was there."
My brother just sat there, mirroring our mother’s neutral expression from just a few minutes before. Then he reached for his backpack and pulled something out of it. It’s the security footage from the precinct,
he explained before I had a chance to ask. Dr. West thought it would be good for Mom to show you.
"So why are you showing me?"
"Because clearly you don’t trust Mom, but she knows you trust me."
I gave him a narrow look. What’s on it?
He stood and popped the disc into the DVD player beneath the ceiling-mounted television, then switched it on. Tell me when you see him, okay?
I nodded, and then both of our heads turned toward the screen. Daniel fast-forwarded it and tiny people scurried in and out of the police station. The counter sped forward and I watched myself walk into the frame.
Stop,
I said to Daniel. He pressed a button and the footage slowed to a normal speed. There was no audio, but I watched myself speak to the officer at the front desk—I must have been asking where I could find Detective Gadsen.
And then I watched Jude appear in the frame. My heart began to race as my eyes lingered on the image of him, on his baseball cap, on his long sleeves. Something on his wrist caught the light. A watch.
There was a shiver in my mind. I pointed at Jude’s figure on the screen. There,
I said. My hand trembled annoyingly. That’s him.
We watched as Jude spoke to the officer. As he brushed right by me. Touched me. I started to feel sick.
Daniel paused the image before Jude left the frame. He said nothing for a long while.
What,
I said quietly.
That could be anyone, Mara.
My throat tightened. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Mara, it’s a guy in a Patriots cap.
I studied the screen again. The camera angle only captured the top of Jude’s head. Which was covered by the Patriots cap he always wore. Which was pulled down low, shading his eyes.
You couldn’t see his face at all.
"But I heard his voice, I said. Pleaded, really. My brother opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.
No, listen. I took a deep breath. Tried to calm down, to be less shrill.
I heard him—he asked that officer something and the officer answered him back. It was his voice. And I saw his face. I stared at the screen, squinting as I continued to speak.
You can’t see it so well on the tape, maybe, but it’s him. It’s him."
Daniel looked at me for a few silent seconds before he finally spoke. When he did, his voice was distressingly soft. Mara, it can’t be him.
My mind rushed through the facts, the ones I knew, the ones I was sure of. Why not? They couldn’t get to his body to bury it, right?
The building was too unstable, I remembered, and it was too dangerous. They couldn’t get to him,
I said again.
Daniel pointed at the screen, at Jude’s hands. My eyes followed his finger. See his hands?
I nodded.
Jude wouldn’t have any. His hands were all they found.
4
HIS WORDS DRAINED THE BLOOD FROM MY FACE.
"They didn’t find complete remains for any of the—for Rachel, Claire, or Jude. But they did find—they found his hands, Mara. They buried them. He swallowed like it was painful for him, then pointed at the video screen.
This guy? Two hands. Daniel’s voice was gentle and sad and desperate but his words refused to make sense.
I know you’re freaked out about what’s been happening. I know. And Dad—we’re all worried about Dad. But that isn’t Jude, Mara. It’s not him."
It would have been a relief to believe that I was that crazy, to swallow that lie and their pills and shake off the guilt that had hounded me since I finally remembered what I was capable of.
But I tried that before. It didn’t work.
I took a deep, shuddering breath. I’m not crazy.
Daniel closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, his expression was . . . decided. I’m not supposed to tell you this—
Tell me what?
The psychologists are calling it a perceptual distortion,
my older brother said. A delusion, basically. That—that Jude’s alive, that you have the power to collapse buildings and kill people—they’re saying you’re losing the ability to rationally evaluate reality.
Meaning?
They’re throwing around words like ‘psychotic’ and ‘schizotypal,’ Mara.
I ordered myself not to cry.
Mom is hoping that, worst case scenario, this is maybe something called Brief Psychotic Disorder brought on by the PTSD and the shooting and all of the trauma—but from what I think I’m hearing, the main differences between that, schizophrenia, and a bunch of other disorders in between is basically duration.
He swallowed hard. Meaning, the longer the delusions last, the worse the prognosis.
I clenched my teeth and forced myself to stay quiet while my brother continued to speak.
That’s why Mom thinks you should stay here for a while so they can adjust your meds. Then they can move you to a place, a residential treatment facility—
No,
I said. As badly as I had wanted to leave my family to keep them safe before, I knew now I needed to stay with them. I could not be locked up while Jude was free.
It’s like a boarding school,
he went on, except there’s a gourmet chef and Zen gardens and art therapy—just to take a break.
"We’re not talking about Fiji, Daniel. She wants to send me to a mental hospital. A mental hospital!"
It isn’t a mental hospital, it’s a residential—
Treatment facility, yeah,
I said, just as the tears began to well. I blinked them back furiously. So you’re on their side?
"I’m on your side. And it’s just for a little while, so they can teach you to cope. You’ve been through—there’s no way I could deal with school and what you’ve been through."
I tried to swallow back the sourness in my throat. What does Dad say?
I managed to ask.
He feels like part of this is his fault,
he said.
The wrongness of that idea sliced me open.
That he shouldn’t have taken on the case,
my brother went on. He trusts Mom.
Daniel,
I pleaded. "I swear, I swear I’m telling the truth."
That’s part of it,
he said, and his voice nearly cracked. That you believe it. Hallucinations—that fits with the PTSD. But you knew when you had them that it was all in your head. Now that you believe it’s real,
Daniel said, his voice tight, everything you told them yesterday is consistent with—psychosis.
He blinked fiercely and swiped one of his eyes with the back of his hand.
I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. So that’s it, then.
My voice sounded dead. Do I even get to go home first?
Well, once they admit you they have to keep you for seventy-two hours, and then they reevaluate you before they make a final recommendation to Mom and Dad. So I guess that’ll happen tomorrow?
Wait—just seventy-two hours?
And another evaluation . . .
Well, yeah, but they’re pushing for longer.
But right now, it was temporary. Not permanent. Not yet.
If I could persuade them that I didn’t believe Jude was alive—that I didn’t believe I killed Rachel and Claire and the others—that none of this was real, that it was all in my head—if I could lie, and convincingly, then they might think my episode at the police station was temporary. That was what my mother wanted to believe. She just needed a push.
If I played this right, I might get to go home again.
I might get to see Noah again.
An image of him flickered in my mind, his face hard and determined at the courthouse, certain that I wouldn’t do what I did. We hadn’t spoken since.
What if I had changed to him, like he said I would?
What if he didn’t want to see me?
The thought tightened my throat, but I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t lose it. From here on out, I had to be the poster child for mental health. I couldn’t afford to be sent away anymore. I had to figure out what the hell was going on.
Even if I had to figure it out by myself.
A knock on the door startled me, but it was just Mom. She looked like she’d been crying. Daniel stood up, smoothing his wrinkled blue dress shirt.
Where’s Dad?
I asked her.
Still in the hospital. He gets discharged tomorrow.
Maybe, if I could put on a good enough performance, I might get discharged with him. Joseph’s there?
Mom nodded. So my twelve-year-old brother now had a father with a gunshot wound and a sister in the psychiatric ward. I clenched my teeth even harder. Do not cry.
My mom looked at Daniel then, and he cleared his throat. Love you, sister,
he said to me. I’ll see you soon, okay?
I nodded, dry-eyed. My mother sat down.
It’s going to be okay, Mara. I know that sounds stupid right now, but it’s true. It will get better.
I wasn’t sure what to say yet, except, I want to go home.
My mother looked pained—and why shouldn’t she? Her family was falling apart. "I want you home so badly, sweetheart. I just—there’s no schedule for you at home if you’re not in school, and I think that might be too much pressure right now. I love you, Mara. So much. I couldn’t stand it if you—I was throwing up when I first heard about the asylum. . . . I was sick over it. I couldn’t leave you, not for a second. You’re my baby. I know you’re not a baby but you’re my baby and I want you to be okay. More than anything I want you to be okay. She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and smiled at me.
This isn’t your fault. No one blames you, and you’re not being punished."
I know,
I said gravely, doing my best impression of a calm, sane adult.
She went on. You’ve been through so much, and I know we don’t understand. And I want you to know that this
—she indicated the room—isn’t you. It might be chemical or behavioral or even genetic—
An image rose up out of the dark water of my mind. A picture. Black. White. Blurry. What?
I asked quickly.
The way you’re feeling. Everything that’s been going on with you. It isn’t your fault. With the PTSD and everything that’s happened—
No, I know,
I said, stopping her. But you said—
Genetic.
What do you mean, genetic?
I asked.
My mother looked at the floor and her voice turned professional. What you’re going through,
she said, clearly avoiding the words mental illness, can be caused by biological and genetic factors.
But who in our family has had any kind of—
My mother,
she said quietly. Your grandmother.
Her words hung in the air. The picture in my mind sharpened into a portrait of a young woman with a mysterious smile, sitting with hennaed hands folded above her lap. Her dark hair was parted in the center and her bindi sparkled between her eyebrows. It was the picture of my grandmother on her wedding day.
And then my mind replaced her face with mine.
I blinked the image away and shook my head. I don’t understand.
She killed herself, Mara.
I sat there, momentarily stunned. Not only had I never known, but . . . I thought—I thought she died in a car accident?
No. That’s just what we said.
But I thought you grew up with her?
I did. She died when I was an adult.
My throat was suddenly dry. How old were you?
My mother’s voice was suddenly thin. Twenty-six.
The next few seconds felt like forever. You had me when you were twenty-six.
She killed herself when you were three days old.
5
WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THIS?
Why wasn’t I told?
Why would she do it?
Why then?
I must have looked as shocked as I felt, because my mother rushed to apologize. I never meant to tell you like this.
She never meant to tell me at all.
Dr. West and Dr. Kells thought it was the right thing, since your grandmother had so many of the same preoccupations,
my mother said. She was paranoid. Suspicious—
I’m not—
I was about to say that I wasn’t suspicious or paranoid, but I was. With good reason, though.
She didn’t have any friends,
she went on.
I have friends,
I said. Then I realized that the more appropriate words were had
and friend,
singular. Rachel was my best friend and, really, my only friend until we moved.
Then there was Jamie Roth, my first (and only) friend at Croyden—but I hadn’t seen or heard from him since he was expelled for something he didn’t do. My mother probably didn’t even know he existed, and since I wasn’t going back to school anytime soon, she probably never would.
Then there was Noah. Did he count?
My mom interrupted my thoughts. When I was little, my mother would sometimes ask me if I could do magic.
A sad smile appeared on her lips. I thought she was just playing. But as I grew older, she would ask every now and then if I could do anything ‘special.’ Especially once I was a teenager. I had no idea what she meant, of course, and when I asked her, she would tell me that I would know, and to tell her if anything changed.
My mother