Fallout
4/5
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About this ebook
Hunter, Autumn, and Summer—three of Kristina Snow’s five children—live in different homes, with different guardians and different last names. They share only a predisposition for addiction and a host of troubled feelings toward the mother who barely knows them, a mother who has been riding with the monster, crank, for twenty years.
Hunter is nineteen, angry, getting by in college with a job at a radio station, a girlfriend he loves in the only way he knows how, and the occasional party. He's struggling to understand why his mother left him, when he unexpectedly meets his rapist father, and things get even more complicated. Autumn lives with her single aunt and alcoholic grandfather. When her aunt gets married, and the only family she’s ever known crumbles, Autumn’s compulsive habits lead her to drink. And the consequences of her decisions suggest that there’s more of Kristina in her than she’d like to believe. Summer doesn’t know about Hunter, Autumn, or their two youngest brothers, Donald and David. To her, family is only abuse at the hands of her father’s girlfriends and a slew of foster parents. Doubt and loneliness overwhelm her, and she, too, teeters on the edge of her mother’s notorious legacy. As each searches for real love and true family, they find themselves pulled toward the one person who links them together—Kristina, Bree, mother, addict. But it is in each other, and in themselves, that they find the trust, the courage, the hope to break the cycle.
Told in three voices and punctuated by news articles chronicling the family’s story, FALLOUT is the stunning conclusion to the trilogy begun by CRANK and GLASS, and a testament to the harsh reality that addiction is never just one person’s problem.
Ellen Hopkins
Ellen Hopkins is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of numerous young adult novels, as well as the adult novels such as Triangles, Collateral, and Love Lies Beneath. She lives with her family in Carson City, Nevada, where she has founded Ventana Sierra, a nonprofit youth housing and resource initiative. Follow her on Twitter at @EllenHopkinsLit.
Read more from Ellen Hopkins
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Reviews for Fallout
320 ratings22 reviews
What our readers think
Readers find this title to be a mixed bag. Some reviewers were disappointed with the book, feeling that there should have been another book between 'Glass' and 'Fallout' to fill in the gap in the story. They also found the slower pace and focus on the aftermath of meth babies less interesting than the previous books. However, other reviewers enjoyed the conclusion to the Crank trilogy and appreciated how the book highlighted the negative effects of drug use. Overall, opinions are divided, but the series is generally well-regarded.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Fantastic conclusion to the Crank trilogy. This book really shows how drug use hurts not only you, but those around you.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Not quite as good as the two in series before it, in my opinion. I really feel like there should have been another book between "Glass" & "Fallout". From where "Glass" left off and "Fallout" picked up, there's years and years of a gap in the story and I found myself wanting to, (Needing to) know what all we missed in those years?? When "Glass" ended I found myself so eager to know what happens with Kristina next, I couldn't wait to begin reading "Fallout", only to be totally let down. The story did not pick up nor sum up where we were left at! This really confused me, puzzled me, and kind of ticked me off all at once! The books are great, all of Ellen Hopkins books are great.. besides the annoying layouts of text, lol but I really wish she would've added another book between Glass and Fallout to fill in that 15+ year gap! But all in all I'd have to say it was a great, edge of your seat, nail biting story!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I am always a fan of how she writes, and how she weaves stories, as the last of the Crank series, I had to read and catch up.
I did not mind the POV switches, the fonts were a bit more annoying than the switches, and some times they'd blur, especially when romance was what all three were looping around, and none of the kids seemed to have had a good romance going on at all.
The biggest flaw of this series is stated by the writer herself. She stated she could have written ten books about Kristina's fall, and yet she only wrote two, and one about the kids. That is where this series ends on a let down, there is so much between book two and book three left in the air and a mess that it comes in as a time skip and the kids talking more about their mom than their mom talks -or appears- the whole book. It pulls back, it rips you from the deepest depths some lines hold you upon, as soon as Kristina is spoken about, she's been barely there.
Worse is if you read these books as they came out and years have put gaps in your memory of Kristina, she's a background character in this book, when she was the focus. It makes her kids feel very cruel towards her for reasons beyond she was never their mother in the parent sense.
The ending is flubbed some, it's not an ending(spoiler for anyone who's never read a Hopkins book), it's an allusion to a conclusion. But this one feels like forgiveness where it should not be. It reads angry, but forgiving. There's no reason for them to forgive the monster that has ruined their lives, and there's the problem. This series needed two more, maybe three more books. One more before this, and maybe one more after. Without that, it comes off as almost empty. A farewell, not a goodbye, no see you later, just a loud booming "there's the door, see your way out" - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I want to punch that Hunter kid in the face.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5It's written as poetry, though easy to read straight through like prose, without being bothered by the funky line breaks - just remember to read each section's title, as they play into the following poetry. The book is told from three teenagers' points of view. All of them have the same mother, who is a meth addict, and all of them live in different places, with different relatives. They all struggle with their own various addictions in varying stages. There are news stories interspersed throughout the book, which I guess are supposed to ground the reader and give extra information, but they just confused me. I got very swept up in trying to figure out who was each kid's father, and how/when they were with the mother, and how the kids' guardians related to the mother and fathers. The mother apparently went by different names in different times of her life, and the fathers' names were all typical, unremarkable boys' names, and the news stories just added even more names to the pile.
If you ignore all of the name/genealogy/paternity/guardianship issues, the book is really fascinating. It's an interesting approach to addiction - seeing how one affects many. Even so, there's no real resolution to the book - no one changes, no one learns anything. As much as I'll accept that as an ending for a short story, it's harder to swallow after investing so much in a novel - especially a novel tackling something as big as a meth addiction, when the stakes are so high. It is apparently the end of a trilogy which began with the mother as a teenager, so going back to read those might clarify a lot of character questions. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5It went slower than the other two books. I guess it wasn’t as interesting reading the aftermath of meth babies, as opposed to the actual facets of addiction. I did make it through the book in a week and it was okay.
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- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The last piece in the Crank series, is written from the main character's children's point of view. It gives the reader a better understanding of what happened along the way and where the main character is now. The final book is just as intense as the previous books. Therefore, it is also not suitable for young readers, but rather older teens and adults.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Excellent end to the Crank trilogy told from the perspective of meth user Kristina's three oldest children. It is a powerful tale of how one person's choices can profoundly alter the lives of others.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5In the third book loosely based on her daughter, Kristina’s, addiction to methamphetamine, Hoskins elucidates the thoughts and feelings of three of Kristina’s teenage children. In alternating chapters, Hunter, Summer and Autumn let us into their lives and tell us how “the Monster” has affected them. A couple of them even struggle with addiction themselves. Hopkins’ signature free-verse style is again evident here, but this becomes confusing, particularly when switching between narrators. It was a more effective style when the narrator was high all the time, really reflective of the disjointed thinking that happens when one is using, but with the three (mostly sober) teens, it makes them come off as more flighty and sparse than they really are. I suppose one can’t just change one’s entire writing style now, though. It was interesting to see how Kristina’s kids grew up and to find out more about what Kristina herself is up to, and I think readers would welcome more in this series. However, as these real-life kids grow up, they might not welcome their grandmother’s (though fictionalized) forays into their souls.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This is the last book of the Crank series. They take you on quite a ride. It is like seeing the affects of meth up close. Ellen Hopkins has a very unique and enjoyable writing style. In This third book You are really seeing everything through Kristinas 3 older children's eyes. It was interesting to see how much had changed since the ending of book 2. I enjoyed the pace of the book, I also really like that your seeing things not only through Hunters eyes but also summer and autumn. This was just a really good read, I would recommend this as a read along with the first 2. : )
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This novel-in-verse is the last of a trilogy about the ravages of methamphetamine addiction. In the first two books, Crank and Glass, we follow Kristina in her life on and off this drug. In this book we meet the three oldest of her children and see what their life is like as they make their ways to their grandmother's house for Christmas.As they travel, they wonder how much of what they've been going through is just stuff or something dumped on them by their mother's action.While this book could stand alone, I recommend you read one or both of the first two to better understand.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Fallout is the last book in the Crank and Glass trilogy, and picks up 19 years after Glass left off. It tells the stories of Kristina's three oldest children - Hunter, Autumn, and Summer - now in their teens, as they uncover secrets and stories from their past while dealing with their own issues.Of the three books in this trilogy, I think this one was the most powerful. I could really see pieces of Kristina in each of the three children as they dealt with their own issues, like Hunter who struggles to be faithful to his girlfriend, Autumn who is filled with questions about the family she's never known and who struggles with an alcohol addiction, and Summer who bounces around foster homes while being exposed to abusive situations.I had many questions in the beginning about what had happened to Kristina and everyone involved in her life, and as I kept reading, the answers were revealed slowly. It was a bit hard for me to follow three alternating viewpoints at first, but then I got used to it and realized that it was a perfect way to write the last book, as it pretty much ties up everything from the previous ones. Just like all of Hopkins' other books, it's written in the form of stunning poetry with different patterns indicating the feelings of the characters and many hidden messages sprinkled throughout. I'm sad to see the series end, but I definitely recommend Fallout to anyone who has enjoyed the first two books in the series, or even those new to Hopkins' writing, because it is a story that you will definitely never forget once you've read it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The final book to Ellen Hopkins trilogy Crank and told from three of Kristina's childrens' perspectives, it tells the story of how children of addicts usually struggle to break the cycle. The ending of this book was sad and unexpected and from the very moment I picked this book up, I was unable to put it down. I'd defintley recommend this book to anyone.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5i hate books that make me angry.i would be made at my mother to if this were me but at the same time, they never gave their mom a break. they always looked at it in there shoes and never tried on hers. they always assumed and ended up being selfish in their thinking.at the end off the book were its all three of them saying that they see their selves in the book so true. you will see a piece of Kristina in each of the three main kids in the book. you see the mean in Kristina when it comes to Hunter. you see the naive and vulnerable in Autumn and you see the wanting to feel loved and to be in love and happy in Summer.you also get to see how their lives ended up because of their mothers choices. and the choices that they made because of that. the anger, hurt, sorrow, independence, strength, and willingness that they have.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I absolutely love Ellen Hopkins' books. They put me in a trance in a way that makes me refuse to stop reading them. All of her books are about substance abuse and the struggles that go along with it. The trilogy beginning with Crank is based on a true story which all were very compelling for me. These books are very intense, but I would recommend them to anyone (older than like 15) looking for a great book to read.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Summer, Hunter, and Autumn all have the same mom. They are all children of diffrent fathers. Hunter knows about all of his sibling. Summer and Autumn bith don't know about their other siblings. All of them have to deal with who their mom is and why life is the way it is.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I saw a blurb that I can't currently locate via google that Hopkins may be the most popular living poet. From the CRANK trilogy, my sense is that she's a very good poet and a great storyteller, combining the two skills into devastating verse narratives. FALLOUT is my favorite of the trilogy: just as CRANK is much more than a cautionary CMA/NA tale, FALLOUT is much more than an Al-Anon narrative. With three interwoven first-person accounts, Hopkins does much more than reveal the personal fallout of being born to a meth-addict, she crafts a powerful story of three fascinating characters and their parallel efforts to find meaning, love, and connection in a broken jigsaw world. I loved this book: it transported me out of a day of flu and made me forget my aches and pains.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Grades 10and higherFallout is the third and final book for the Crank series. Fallout continues on from the book Glass but year later. It is written from the perspective of Kristina's three oldest children. Hunter, 19 years old, her oldest son lives with Kristina's parents who he calls mom and dad. Autumn, 17 years old, is second oldest and lives with her aunt and grandpa. Summer 15 years old, is third oldest and has a life completely different from her brother and sister. Fallout gives us a look at the lives of these three teenagers and their families. It also shows how Crystal Meth affects their mother, fathers, and personal relationships. If you have not read the other two books in the series you will not feel felt out. Fallout does a great job of filling in the information needed to understand the lives of the other families. Fallout is written to give you the most information with little words. I love when the words creates a picture that ties to the writing. For a much older audience since the issues that are addressed in the book are about sex and drugs. It also contains strong language.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is a very worthy ending to the Kristina trilogy. It was interesting to watch Hunter, Autumn and Summer's lives intertwine and grow closer to each other, and altogether this is an excellent portrait of the far-reaching consequences of drug addiction. Plus, you've got Ellen Hopkins's trademark wunnerful guy and some very good poetry -- though, in my opinion, none of the post-Crank verses were as good as in the first book.The book could stand on its own, I think. However, the newspaper articles aren't going to make a lot of sense if the reader hasn't previously read Crank and Glass, and knowing the backstory makes for a better reading experience. So, yeah, read them all in order.Anyway, WIN.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Fallout is the third book in the Crank series. For those of you who have dutifully read Crank and Glass, you may be sad to learn that Kristina is not the central character in this last book. Instead, this poignant third book revolves around Kristina's three oldest children: Hunter, Summer, and Autumn.Though Kristina's story is no longer the focus of this story, she is everywhere. She is present in the shattered lives that she created in her drug-induced haze. She's present in the addictive personalities and in the poor choices her children make while searching for someone to care for them. She's there when they are trying to make it through the day-to-day struggles that are sometimes too much to bare.I love that Ellen Hopkins took Kristina and put her in the background. As every family member, friend, or lover of an addict knows, the person with a drug habit is not the only one to suffer the consequences of a drug affair. Certainly, Kristina's children have done well to overcome the huge obstacles placed in their way by their never-there mother, but this book also shows just how deeply these children are scarred because of their parents' choices.I can think of no better book to offer to a student or adult child who is dealing with a family member or loved one who is lost to drugs. I know that I have several students who are already clamoring to read this book. I don't blame them. The narrative verse in this book is outstanding. It is sure to pull in even the most reluctant of readers. I have already ordered an extra copy for my classroom. I have a feeling that I'm going to need it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I don't know how to put into words what I feel about these books. They are so powerful that I know I just can't do this review the justice it deserves. I stay so emotionally wrecked while reading these books that it takes me a couple days to recover. Fallout was no exception. It had me laughing, crying, and shaking with anger in the span of only a few pages. In CRANK and GLASS we go through teenage Kristina's dance with "the monster", meth. We see her spiral deeper and deeper into addiction. When reading these two books from Kristina's point of view you just can't help but feel sorry for her, feel like it's not all her fault. But, while reading Fallout, which is from the point of view of her 3 teenagers, we see the fallout of Kristina's addiction of a completely different point of view. I found myself hating that same girl that I once felt sorry for. How dare she keep doing the things she's doing when she has these wonderful children that she should be living her life for?We learn that her amazing mother has been through so much for her and that she could have gotten help, if she would have just reached out and accepted when it was offered to her time and time again. I don't know how anyone could read these books and even consider trying drugs afterward. Once you see how one person's addiction can spiral out of control and affect so many peoples lives.These books should be required reading in every high school across the country in my opinion! Don't ban it, celebrate it! I suggest all of my readers who haven't read this series yet run out and buy it right now!!! What are you waiting for?
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is the rare trilogy where each book is better than the one before. In this, the story is narrated by Kristina’s three oldest children. Hunter is now in college, in a great relationship that he keeps risking. Autumn (who Kristina was pregnant with at the end of Glass) is living with her grandfather and aunt and Summer goes from foster home to foster home, with occasional stints living with her dad and his latest girlfriend. The three aren’t close (Autumn doesn’t even know she has siblings) but all are affected by Kristina and drugs to varying degrees.While the first two books show the impact that drugs have on the people who use them, Fallout shows the collateral damage. While all three of the kids have people who love them, they’re also unsure of themselves and their place in the world. And while yes, I will agree that that’s a big part of being a teenager anyway, it’s also because they grew up (to varying degrees) not knowing much about their parents in general and mother in particular. (Hunter knows the most because he was raised by his maternal grandparents.)While we don’t see much of Kristina in this book, she’s still all over the narratives, because of the damage she’s wrought in the lives of the people who love her, even as they can’t trust her.One device I really enjoyed was the fact that there were little newspaper clippings interspersed throughout the book, so we got to see what happened to some of the minor characters in earlier books. These books are highly recommended. What I don’t recommend is reading them in a row like I did.
Book preview
Fallout - Ellen Hopkins
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Fallout, by Ellen Hopkins, Margaret K. McElderry BooksPUBLISHER'S NOTE
To best preserve formatting of complex poems and elements, we recommend that this book be read at a smaller font size on your device.
For Orion, Jade, Heaven, Clyde, Eli, and Kalob, always in my heart. For Jason, Cristal, and Kelly, always my children, wherever they are. For John, always my own forever love. And with sincerest love and respect for my editor, Emma Dryden, who enriches my books with her wisdom and enriches my life with her friendship.
With a special nod to Jude Mandell, whose keen insight allowed me to see the direction I needed to go with this book. Many, many thanks, Jude!
RENO GAZETTE-JOURNAL
RENO—Local author Marie Haskins’s fifteenth novel, Submission, debuted at the number one spot on the New York Times bestseller list. But this time, Haskins writes about a different kind of monster.
This is a complete departure from my previous books,
Haskins said. I have finally fulfilled a very old dream and taken the plunge into horror.
It remains to be seen whether or not her fans will take the plunge with her, as the poems go beyond free verse, into the realm of formal poetry, specifically sonnets. Fortunately for Haskins, a number of words rhyme with suck.
I have long wanted to write about vampires, but chose to wait until the subject was no longer a staple of every publisher’s list,
Haskins said. "My vampires are sophisticated and totally sexy, but set in a future world. Sort of like Dracula meets Star Trek."
We Hear
That life was good
before she
met
the monster,
but those page flips
went down before
our collective
cognition. Kristina
wrote
that chapter of her
history before we
were even whispers
in her womb.
The monster shaped
our
lives, without our ever
touching it. Read on
if you dare. This
memoir
isn’t pretty.
Hunter Seth Haskins
SO YOU WANT TO KNOW
All about her. Who
she
really is. (Was?) Why
she swerved off
the high road. Hard
left
to nowhere,
recklessly
indifferent to
me,
Hunter Seth Haskins,
her firstborn
son. I’ve been
choking
that down for
nineteen years.
Why did she go
on
her mindless way,
leaving me spinning
in a whirlwind of
her dust?
IF YOU DON’T KNOW
Her story, I’ll try
my best to enlighten
you, though I’m not sure
of every word of it myself.
I suppose I should know
more. I mean, it has been
recorded for eternity—
a bestselling fictionalization,
so the world wouldn’t see
precisely who we are—
my mixed-up, messed-
up family, a convoluted
collection of mostly regular
people, somehow strengthened
by indissoluble love, despite
an ever-present undercurrent
of pain. The saga started here:
FOREWORD
Kristina Georgia Snow
gave me life in her seventeenth
year. She’s my mother,
but never bothered to be
my mom. That job fell
to her mother, my grandmother,
Marie, whose unfailing love
made her Mom even before
she and Dad (Kristina’s stepfather,
Scott) adopted me. That was
really your decision, Mom claims.
You were three when you started
calling us Mama and Papa.
The other kids in your playgroup
had them. You wanted them too.
We became an official
legal family when I was four.
My memory of that day is hazy
at best, but if I reach way,
way back, I can almost see
the lady judge, perched
like an eagle, way high above
little me. I think she was
sniffling. Crying, maybe?
Her voice was gentle. I want
to thank you, Mr. and Mrs.
Haskins, for loving this child
as he deserves to be loved.
Please accept this small gift,
which represents that love.
I don’t really remember all
those words, but Mom repeats
them sometimes, usually
when she stares at the crystal
heart, catching morning sun
through the kitchen window.
That part of Kristina’s story
always makes Mom sad.
Here’s a little more of the saga.
CHAPTER ONE
It started with a court-ordered
summer visit to Kristina’s
druggie dad. Genetically,
that makes him my grandfather,
not that he takes much interest
in the role. Supposedly he stopped
by once or twice when I was still
bopping around in diapers.
Mom says he wandered in late
to my baptism, dragging
Kristina along, both of them
wearing the stench of monster
sweat. Monster, meaning crystal
meth. They’d been up all night,
catching a monstrous buzz.
It wasn’t the first time
they’d partied together. That
was in Albuquerque, where dear
old Gramps lives, and where
Kristina met the guy who popped
her just-say-no-to-drugs cherry.
Our lives were never the same
again, Mom often says. That
was the beginning of six years
of hell. I’m not sure how we all
survived it. Thank God you were
born safe and sound. . . .
All my fingers, toes, and a fully
functional brain. Yadda, yadda . . .
Well, I am glad about the brain.
Except when Mom gives me
the old, What is up with you?
You’re a brilliant kid. Why do
you refuse to perform like one?
A C-plus in English? If you would
just apply yourself . . .
Yeah, yeah. Heard it before.
Apply myself? To what?
And what the hell for?
I KIND OF ENJOY
My underachiever status.
I’ve found the harder you
work, the more people expect
of you. I’d much rather fly
way low under the radar.
That was one of Kristina’s
biggest mistakes, I think—
insisting on being right-up-
in-your-face irresponsible.
Anyway, your first couple years
of college are supposed to be
about having fun, not about
deciding what you want to do
with the rest of your life. Plenty
of time for all that whenever.
I decided on UNR—University
of Nevada, Reno—not so much
because it was always a goal,
but because Mom and Dad
did this prepaid tuition thing,
and I never had Ivy League
ambitions or the need to venture
too far from home. School is school.
I’ll get my BA in communications,
then figure out what to do with it.
I’ve got a part-time radio gig at
the X, an allowance for incidentals,
and I live at home. What more
could a guy need? Especially
when he’s got a girl like Nikki.
PICTURE THE IDEAL GIRL
And you’ve got Nikki.
She’s sweet. Smart. Cute. Oh,
yes, and then there’s her body.
I’m not sure what perfect
measurements are, but
Nikki’s got them,
all wrapped up in skin
like wheat-colored suede.
Delicious, from lips to ankles,
and she’s mine. Mine to touch,
mine to hold. Mine to kiss
all over her flawless
deliciousness. Plus,
she’s got her own place,
a sweet little house near campus,
where I can do all that kissing—not
to mention what comes after
the kissing—in private.
I’m done with classes
for the day and on my way
to Nikki’s, with a little extra fun
tucked inside my pocket. Yeah, I
know getting high isn’t so
smart. Ask me if I care.
I AM GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED
To addiction. At least that’s what
they tell me, over and over.
The theory has been hammered
into my head since before I could
even define the word addiction.
Your grandfather is an addict and
your mother is an addict, so it’s
likely you will become an addict
too, unless you basically "just say
no." Much easier said than done,
especially when you’re predisposed
to saying, Hell, yeah!
Anyway,
I’m more of a dabbler than a dedicated
fuckup. A little weed, a little coke.
Never tried meth. Don’t think I ought
to take a chance on that monster.
Catching a buzz is one thing. Yanking
the devil’s tail is just plain stupid.
NIKKI ISN’T HOME YET
I let myself in with the key
she leaves stashed under the plastic
rock by the door. Good thing
she doesn’t own much in the way
of expensive stuff, something
I’m sure the neighbors are well
aware of. This isn’t a bad street,
but it’s heavily stocked with students,
many of whom have forgotten
the Golden Rule, if they ever knew
it to begin with. Inside, the window
shades are cracked enough so light
filters through. A thin beam
splashes against the hallway mirror,
lures my attention. When I turn
to find it, the eyes reflected
in the glass are completely unique.
Piebald,
Mom calls them.
Green-dappled gray. Definitely
not Kristina’s eyes. What I want
to know now, as always, is whose?
I’VE ASKED THE QUESTION BEFORE
"If Kristina is my biological
mother, who fathered me?"
Who
was her man of the month?
I’ve been told she slept
with more than a few,
but which
was
the one whose lucky
sperm connected with
the proper egg? Whose
genes sculpted the relief of
my
cheekbones, the stack
of my shoulders, the stretch
of my legs? Do the eyes staring
back at me now belong to my
father?
IN MOM’S BOOK
The story goes Kristina was
date-raped by some low-life
druggie lifeguard dealer.
When I asked if that was true,
Mom would only say that
the book is fiction, based on
fact, and that they aren’t one
hundred percent sure about
my paternity. But I think she
was trying to spare my feelings.
Who wants to believe they
were conceived of a rape, even
if the rape might have been
somehow solicited? What kind
of guy keeps going when
a girl says no way? And if a guy
like that really is my father,
could I have inherited a rape gene?
NOT THAT I’VE EVER ONCE
Insisted yes
when a girl said no.
I’m not that kind of guy.
I’m smart.
(Except when loaded.
Then I can be kind of stupid.
At least till the buzz wears off.)
I’m witty.
(Except when I don’t get
enough sleep, which is often.
Then I lose my sense of humor.)
I’m compassionate.
(Except when someone
acts like a complete idiot.
Especially in my face.)
I’m understanding.
(Except when it means I can’t
have my way, so I try to avoid
people who won’t let me have it.)
I’m kind.
(Except for those days
when, for no apparent reason,
I hate pretty much everyone.)
I’VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM
And I’m not really sure
how to fix it. Not really sure
I need to. Not really sure I could.
Life is pretty good. But once
in a while, uninvited and
uninitiated, anger invades me.
It starts, a tiny gnaw
at the back of my brain. Like
a migraine, except without pain.
They say headaches
blossom, but this isn’t so
much a blooming as a bleeding.
Irritation bleeds into
rage, seethes into fury.
An ulcer, emptying hatred
inside me. And I don’t
know why. Life is pretty good.
So, what the hell?
AS I PONDER THE QUESTION
A key turns uselessly in the lock—
uselessly because I neglected
to secure the door behind me.
Nikki peeks cautiously around
it, jumps back like she’s been
bitten. Guess she didn’t expect
to find some guy standing here.
Hey,
I yell, it’s only me.
Nikki slams back across
the threshold, almost knocks
me over. Hunter! You scared
the heebie-jeebies out of me!
Heebie-jeebies. She’s totally
cute. I pull her into my arms,
happy to concentrate on her slate
blue eyes, instead of the green ones
in the mirror. Sorry,
I say,
meaning it. And to prove
just how much, I give her one
of my world-famous kisses.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit of
an exaggeration, but I have been
told I’m an exceptional kisser.
I give it my all, and Nikki responds.
Her kiss is like a sudden fever—
white-hot, unplanned, contagious.
Too quickly, she cools, pulls away.
Apology accepted. But no smile,
and she never doesn’t smile. I study
her face harder, find anger, concrete
in the set of her jaw, but eiderdown
sorrow in her eyes. What’s wrong?
She slumps against me, takes
refuge as her sadness flows, wet,
in steady tears. My dad walked out
on my mom. He wants a divorce.
THAT’S IT ?
I’d like to feel sorry for her, console
her, tell her it’s all a huge mistake.
But what I really want to say
is, "Big effin’ deal. Divorce?
At least they were together
while you were growing up.
At least you’ll get to see him
almost as much as you do now.
At least you know just who
in the bloody hell your father is!"
But that would take Nikki-Complete.
What I hold here is Nikki-in-Tatters.
So I take her hand, lead her
into the kitchen, sit her at the table.
"I brought a little something
that will make you feel better."
I twist one up, half expecting her
to say no. She only smokes weed
on special occasions. Apparently
this occasion qualifies, however.
She takes a big drag, fights not
to cough. Fails, and that makes
the tears fall harder. He—hack—
is such a prick. I ca-can’t—hack—
believe he could just up and leave
Mom. N-not—hack—f-f-for . . . her!
Who?
None of my business,
of course. But, hey, she brought it up.
His goddamn boss! You know,
the bitch who owns the company?
She’s old. Rich, yeah, but old . . .
Her voice is tinged with hysteria.
After almost twenty-five years,
he leaves Mom for . . . for her?
Here.
I pass her the J. "Take
another hit. A little one this time."
She doesn’t cough, but she does ask,
You’d never cheat on me, would you?
I BITE DOWN HARD
On the impending lie.
Fact is, I’ve already
cheated on Nikki,
though I’m not sure
why. It was an awful
mistake, and it only
happened once, post-football-game beer
binge. God, that girl—
a Vegas Rebels fan,
and so a rival meant
to be jeered at, not laid—
was a real piece of work.
Anorexic as hell, but
high-horsepower motor,
revved to the max . . .
Nikki stares at me,
waiting for an answer.
Say something quick,
idiot. I reach across
the table, take possession
of her hand, look into
the depths of her tear-
glittered eyes. "You
are my one and only."
AS THE WORDS
Slide out of my mouth,
I wish I could mean them.
She is so beautiful, just there.
A fairy seeking wings, and
when she finds them, I know
she’ll fly far, far away.
Love is like that.
Suddenly I want her more
than anything. Like some
conceit-driven Grimm
Brothers king, I need to
capture my sprite with
trembling hands. Except
I could crush her.
Wonder how many small
things of beauty—flowers,
seashells, dragonflies—
have met such a demise.
Wonder how much fragile
love has collapsed
beneath the weight of confession.
ENOUGH ALREADY
One too many lit classes,
I guess. A little too much poetry,
dredged up at all the wrong times.
Thanks so much for that, Mom.
You’ve got a poet’s soul, she told
me once. And an old soul at that.
Whatever that means. I don’t feel
so old, for the most part. I do like
words, but this is not the time
for them, nor is it the time for
confessions. There is invitation
in Nikki’s eyes. It’s time for that.
THE WOOD
In her room is cherry—deep
reddish brown. Elegant.
The sheets on her bed are black
satin. Slick beneath desire-
dampened skin. Her hair is like
a sunburst against the onyx-
colored pillowcase. Its perfume
spices the air with ginger
and some exotic bloom.
The scent fuels my hunger
for her body. I want to own
it, merge with it, become part
of her. Hurry, she urges. But
the tease is almost the best
part of the game, so I bring her
close and closer with my hands
and mouth and finally I am inside
her. I can’t get enough, so we go
and go until the only thing left
is to finish. And still I want more.
Autumn Rose Shepherd
SOMETIMES I SEE FACES
Somehow familiar,
but I don’t know why.
I cannot label them,
no matter how intently
I try. They are nameless.
And yet not strangers.
Like Alamo ghosts, they
emerge from deep
of night, materialize
from darkness, deny
my sleep. I would call them
dreams. But that’s too easy.
I SUSPECT
One of those faces belongs
to my mother. It is young, not
much older than mine, but weary,
with cheeks like stark coastal
cliffs and hollow blue eyes, framed
with drifts of mink-colored hair.
I don’t look very much like her.
My hair curls, auburn, around
a full, heart-shaped face, and
my eyes are brown. Or, to be
more creative, burnt umber. Nothing
like hers, so maybe I’m mistaken
about her identity. Is she my mother?
Is she the one who christened me
Autumn Rose Shepherd? Pretty
name. Wish I could live up to it.
AUNT CORA INSISTS
I am pretty. But Aunt Cora
is a one-woman cheering section.
Thank goodness the grandstands
aren’t completely empty.
I’m kind of a lone wolf, except
for Cherie, and she’s what you
might call a part-time friend.
We hang out sometimes, but
only if she’s got nothing better
going on. Meaning no ballet recitals
or play rehearsals or guy-of-the-day
to distract her from those.
But Aunt Cora is always there,
someone I can count on, through
chowder or broth, as Grandfather says.
Old Texas talk for thick or thin.
GENERALLY
Things feel
about the consistency
of milky oatmeal.
With honey.
Raisins.
Nuts.
Most days,
I wake up relatively
happy. Eat breakfast.
Go to school.
Come home.
Dinner.
Homework.
Bed.
Blah, blah, blah.
But sometimes,
for no reason beyond
a loud noise or leather
cleaner smell, I am afraid.
It’s like yanking myself
from a nightmare only,
even wide awake,
I can’t unstick myself
from the fear of the dream.
I don’t want to
leave my room.
CAN’T BEAR THE THOUGHT
Of people staring, I’m sure
they will. Sure they’ll know.
Sure they’ll think I’m crazy.
The only person I can talk to
is Aunt Cora. I can go to her
all freaked out. Can scream,
What’s the matter with me?
And she’ll open her arms, let me
cry and rant, and never once
has she called me crazy. One
time she said, Things happened
when you were little. Things you
don’t remember now, and don’t want
to. But they need to escape,
need to worm their way out
of that dark place in your brain
where you keep them stashed.
THAT FELT RIGHT
And now, when that
unexplained dread
boxes me in, I take
deep breaths, try to
free those bad things,
whatever they are. It
doesn’t always work.
But sometimes it does.
And always, always,
I thank Aunt Cora for
giving me some smidgen
of understanding about
who I am and what
surprises life might
have in store for me.
I swear, without her
I probably would
have jumped off
a bridge the first
time I got my period.
Yeah, we’d had the basic
You’re a Woman Now
video and discussion
in sixth grade. But
textbook "birds
and bees" cannot
even prepare you for
what that really means.
I HATE WHEN I BLEED
Can’t tell my period when to start,
how many hours to make me
miserable. Can’t tell it not to come
at all. I have zero control over
any of that, and that really,
really bothers me. See, I’ve got
a little thing called OCD.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
is something people make fun of.
But when it’s something
you’ve got, there’s nothing
funny about it. First off,
you know you have it, know
some little piece of your brain
is totally out of whack. Nothing
you can do about that, either.
Not without therapy, and that
means telling someone you know
you’re just a tiny bit crazy.
How do you admit that without
giving up every bit of power
you have finally managed to grasp?
Some people have it worse than I do,
I guess. I mean I don’t wash my hands
seventeen times a day or count
every step I take, then take a couple
more until the exact number from
here to there is divisible by three.
My compulsion is simply order.
Everything in its place, and spaced
exactly so—one inch, no more, no less,
between hairbrush and comb. Two
inches, no more, no less, between pairs
of shoes on my closet floor. Black socks,
upper left corner of my top right dresser
drawer; white socks in the lower right.
I doubt Grandfather has even noticed
how every can in the cupboards is
organized alphabetically, labels out,
or that cleaning supplies beneath
the sink are arranged by color.
But Aunt Cora definitely has.
SHE DOESN’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY
She thinks it’s funny, and funnier
still to mess with my mind by moving
my shoes farther apart
or puttingmycombinsidemybrush
or arranging a can of
yams
in front
of the
applesauce.
She says I should lighten up, quit
beating myself up mentally. I know
she only wants what’s best for me,
but sometimes she makes me mad.
If it were easy to throw
my
clothes
into
a heap
on the floor,
of course I’d rather do that than
spend hours
folding them
precisely
right. Right?
I AM IN THE DEN
Arranging Grandfather’s
eclectic collection of
paperbacks alphabetically
by author—Graham, Billy;
Grey, Zane; Grisham, John—
when the telephone rings.
I’ve got it! Grandfather
yells from the kitchen.
I peek at the caller ID.
NV St Prsn—Nevada
State Prison. The collect
calls from Trey come once
in a while. Usually, to listen
to Grandfather’s raves,
when his prison account
needs a cash recharge.
Little SOB wants me
to pay for his cigarettes
and soap? Does he think
I’m made of money?
Still, he always sends it.
Three times convicted
felon or not, Trey will
always be his son. His son.
And my convict father.
I SLIP QUIETLY
Along the linoleum. Grandfather
does not appreciate me listening in.
But for some reason, my radar
is blipping. There’s something
different about this call. Maybe
it’s the tone of Grandfather’s voice
tipping me off. It’s not exactly
hard to hear him. He’s yelling.
But despite the high volume, a tremor
makes him sound downright old.
I don’t give a damn what you want.
You are not welcome in this house.
I told you that when you went away,
and I haven’t changed my mind.
Went away,
meaning he was locked up
by the State of Nevada. Again. That was
eight years ago. I remember he called to
share the news while we were planning
my ninth birthday party. I had no
idea what five to fifteen
meant.
But it sure seemed to take all the fun
out of talking about balloons and cake.
Apparently it’s working out to "more
than five, less than fifteen." At least,
that’s what I’m hearing from the kitchen.
You may have paid your debt to society,
but you haven’t paid your debt to me.
Not to mention to your daughter. She
doesn’t even know who you are, and
neither do I. Car thief? Drug addict?
You just stay the hell away from here.
I don’t need that kind of worry.
This call is costing an arm and a leg.
I’m going to hang up now.
AND HE DOES
The phone slams against the table,
loud enough for me to hear it
from here. I scoot away from
the door, down the hall, just as
Grandfather exits the kitchen.
He looks at me, anger smoking,
black, in his already dark eyes.
I suppose you heard all that.
I hate talking ill about your father,
but that boy is doomed to go
straight on down to the devil
when he dies. He moves toward
me, trembling slightly. I should’a
beat that boy more. He never
did have an ounce of respect
or caring for anyone except for
himself. Not even for your mama,
I’m guessing. I told Maureen
he was gonna end up badly
if she didn’t . . . never mind.
GRANDFATHER IS STERN
To put it too mildly. I love him,
of course. How could I not
love someone who gathered me
in, offered a home and his unique
brand of love? It’s hard for him
to love, I think. He has been divorced.
Remarried. Widowed. Left to live
mostly alone until Aunt Cora
reappeared, with little toddler me
tucked haphazardly under one arm.
I do love him. But sometimes he’s harsh.
Mean
might be more accurate.
He reminds me of a cop walking
the beat too long, in a bad part
of the city—creased and bitter-
eyed and too early gray. He yells.
Rants. Every once in a while,
he leaves a bruise, no apology.
For my own good, he says, So you
don’t end up like your father.
More than once I’ve heard him try to
blame Trey’s mom for her son turning
out bad. Maureen never understood
that kids need discipline, or they’ll ride
roughshod over you. A good switching
by a loving hand never hurt no one.
Quoted directly from his own father
would be my guess, and the oxymoronic
bite of the statement slipped
his notice completely, right along
with the bigger issue he insists
on ignoring: Maureen