Falling into Place
By Amy Zhang
4/5
()
About this ebook
One cold fall day, high school junior Liz Emerson steers her car into a tree. This haunting and heartbreaking story is told by a surprising and unexpected narrator and unfolds in nonlinear flashbacks even as Liz's friends, foes, and family gather at the hospital and Liz clings to life. This riveting debut will appeal to fans of Before I Fall, by Lauren Oliver, and 13 Reasons Why, by Jay Asher.
"On the day Liz Emerson tries to die, they had reviewed Newton's laws of motion in physics class. Then, after school, she put them into practice by running her Mercedes off the road." Why did Liz Emerson decide that the world would be better off without her? Why did she give up? The nonlinear novel pieces together the short and devastating life of Meridian High's most popular junior girl. Mass, acceleration, momentum, force—Liz didn't understand it in physics, and even as her Mercedes hurtles toward the tree, she doesn't understand it now. How do we impact one another? How do our actions reverberate? What does it mean to be a friend? To love someone? To be a daughter? Or a mother? Is life truly more than cause and effect? Amy Zhang's haunting and universal story will appeal to fans of Lauren Oliver, Gayle Forman, and Jay Asher.
Amy Zhang
Amy Zhang was born in China and moved to the United States when she was a young girl. She grew up in Wisconsin and recently graduated from college. She is the author of Falling into Place and This is Where the World Ends, and she currently lives in Brooklyn, New York.
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Reviews for Falling into Place
145 ratings20 reviews
What our readers think
Readers find this title to be a beautifully written and emotionally raw book. The author effectively portrays flawed characters and explores the themes of self-acceptance and the consequences of one's actions. While some readers found certain parts confusing, the overall impact of the story was powerful. The book received high praise for its ability to shed light on different perspectives and challenge societal norms. It was described as excellent, captivating, and a must-read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Beautiful book.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5The narrator was irritating, and I wasn't surprised by who it was like the book description said I would be.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I bought this book based on nothing but the cover (turns out you can base a book on its cover), so I didn't know I was jumping into a story about teenage suicide. The jumpy story line is interesting and coupled with a mysteries narrator, the book is a compelling read. I liked the non-linear progression and how we slowly learned what happened at all the major events: people are complicated, why wouldn't their life story be? This story of teenage struggle and suicide reminds us all to not only be a person we would like interact with, but to be a friend we may one day need.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Unusual writing style that I couldn't get into but others probably loved it! Author is a teenager so I'll be looking forward to more books from her in the future!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I received an ARC of this book from Epic Reads in exchange for an honest review.My first thought is that this book is very good for having been written by a high school student, but really this book is very good for anybody to have written. Zhang has an amazing talent for words. It is tragically poetic and hauntingly beautiful. Despite the seemingly slow pace, the book really grabs you and refuses to let go. I loved getting into the heads of each character and especially enjoyed the unique narrator.The one downside of this book is that reading through it rarely left me feeling very good about life. It's a tale of deep depression and everything going wrong, but there isn't much to balance out the negative besides a few fleeing glimmers of hope from time to time. I think the reader has to get into the right mindset before reading.However, overall I loved this book. I enjoyed how each chapter revealed a new secret and it gave a unique perspective into the mental states of high school students.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I enjoyed the story but am quite confused as to who the narrator was. I liked the story told by the viewpoint of different students. I also liked the time line of the car crash. Those two parts of the novel I found quite intriguing. There were some very well written characters in this book. It is definitely for a bit more mature reader, but this is a story that many young adults will find interesting.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Liz Emerson doesn't care that she is beautiful, well-off, popular and has a boyfriend the other girls envy. The sham of how her life appears on the surface is brilliantly depicted in the debut novel by Amy Zhang, herself a teenager, in a nihilistic story of a girl who has had enough and is determined to kill herself.Drinking, drug use, casual hooking up, debilitating bullying, Liz and her circle do it all. Liz and her boyfriend are cruel and unfaithful to each other. She does horrible things to her friends, who stand by her even though they carry the wounds of those things. There is one boy who still cares about Liz despite the horrible thing she did to him. Her mother is never around; she's trekking around the world for work since Liz's father died years ago and can afford to buy a very fancy car for her daughter to deliberately drive off the road.There is no suspense that Liz will drive that car off the road. There is suspense in what happens afterward and parts of the story are not revealed until the very final pages.It is a horribly sad world these teens live in. Their hope was killed in them long ago. Moments of happiness are depicted mainly because their absence is another way to show what a horribly sad world these teens live in.Zhang keeps the story flowing with frequent time jumps and short bursts of story. There is the addition of a mystery narrator who occasionally comments on Liz's life ever since her father accidentally died in front of her when she was very young. It's a great touch because it is a way to show what Liz used to be like, as well as a way to look beyond the unrelenting depression of the teens' outlook.The author is so good at building that depressing world that a moment when that black fog lifts feels shoehorned in. Except for that, however, Falling into Place shows Zhang's adept strength at characterization and storytelling. This should not be her only work of fiction, but should be only the beginning.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5It is amazing to me that anyone can write a book; that they have ideas that they can verbalize for 200 pages and make people want to read them. The fact that a high school student can write a book, and a good one at that, is even more amazing to me. But Amy Zhang did it with Falling Into Place.Liz Emerson is a high school junior when she plows her mother’s Mercedes into a tree at high speed—on purpose. Unfortunately the attempted suicide failed, at first. A boy who has loved her from afar since 5th grade, Liam, saw the wreckage on the side of the road and called 911. The paramedics come and transport her to the hospital. There is extensive bodily damage, as you can imagine, and several surgeries are required. It is touch and go.What Zhang did with this book is delve into why Liz is what she is–a bully, an in-crowd bully. No one is immune to her barbs and her influence, even her best friends Julia and Kennie. The chapters go back and forth in time. There’s a chapter “55 Days Before Liz Emerson Crashed Her Car” and then “5 Days…” and then “45 Days…” There are chapters after the accident. There is an unknown narrator in some chapters marked “Snapshot”. However, it works.Zhang clearly delineates between the kids who truly care about Liz (Liam, Julia and Kennie) and status seeking friend wannabees who visibly weep, congregate at the hospital and talk about how wonderful Liz is. Liz is a real person who sees what she is, wants to change but can’t. She wants to make amends but doesn’t know how. The parents in Falling Into Place do not come off well in this book. They are absent, unobservant, domineering and the impact on their children is evident.Readers will like the people they’re supposed to like (Liz being among these) and dislike those they were meant to dislike.If Zhang can write a book like Falling Into Place as a high schooler, imagine what she’ll write as she matures and hones her craft. Read this so you can say you knew her when (and because it’s worth reading!).
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Falling Into Place is a novel that one must experience for oneself. To try to explain its intensity and its gut-wrenching drama is a task in futility. A reviewer just cannot do the story justice.One can safely say that Falling Into Place is a novel that every parent of teenagers should read. Its depiction of teens crying out for help is downright terrifying. These cries for help are even scarier because they are nonverbal to the extreme. Asking for help to Liz and her friends is possibly the worst thing they could do, so they don’t. Instead, they let their behavior provide clues. The only caveat to this is that one must be paying attention to read those clues and see them for what they are rather than typical teenage rebellion.Falling Into Place presents a fairly grim glimpse into high school dynamics and may frighten parents even more than Liz’s cry for help. For, it shows teens in all their self-absorbed, self-destructive, and mean glory. Liz and her friends may be at the upper echelon of the school, but the things they do to get there are simply horrifying. Yet, they are things that occur throughout high schools all over the world. There is a reason why people do not think upon their high school years very fondly, and Falling Into Place drives home that point.Liz’s story is chilling, touching, terrifying, and heart-breaking all at the same time. Ms. Zhang’s unusual narrator choice gives special insight into everything that occurs, both past and present, and makes Liz’s transformation into the girl she is now that much more upsetting. Falling Into Place is a novel one can easily digest in one sitting, but the lessons to be learned require time to digest. As such, it is a novel worth savoring and time spent reflecting. Because it is such a powerful story, to do so is anything but a hardship.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Could do with a bit of editing, but a nice mix of If I Stay and Thirteen Reasons Why.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Okay, so first off. The jumps in time, the different characters that are focused on, and the point of view are all pretty non-traditional for this one. It messed with my head and I was confused if the "I" in the book was her spirit/conscious/a ghost, and maybe that's part of the mystery that drives the story. While it gripped me and I just had to figure out how all these pieces fit together, I can certainly understand where it will turn off some readers. So that out of the way, I think that this wasn't originally on my radar because it had a different synopsis, and at first it didn't necessarily catch my attention. But then I read about the suicide attempt and the interpersonal questions of how we effect each other and the relationships that is posted above got my attention so when I was sent this one, I decided to give it a read. Liz is also a hard person to like, I was okay with her in ways I could forgive until the Melody incident and even though she was so young and there was peer pressure it just seemed like the iceberg started to crack there. I know that it also sets up a foreshadowing and lets us see inside her mind at the moment, and see the struggle that was there. Oh and the physics aspect didn't do anything for me, constantly with the newton's laws. I wasn't pleased with the epilogue but the ending before that fit the book. I imagine though that more people would be displeased because it would be more of an open ending. Bottom Line: Unique perspective and timeline.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Terrific, honest, amazingly well written--recommended for young adults and their parentsReading “Falling into Place,” by Amy Zhang, was a riveting and heart-rending experience. I’m sure it is destined to be a best seller among young adults. But how about their parents and grandparents? Can they get anything good out of this book? Can a debut teenage author teach them anything they don’t already know? Absolutely! I learned a great deal of value from this book and I enthusiastically recommend it. But why should an adult read it? Personally, I believe that we learn best through experience and this book allowed me to experience a contemporary, wholly authentic teen world and feel what it would be like to have to live in that type of environment. It’s a world where dangerous alcohol and drug abuse are common, where kids are at the mercy of their raging hormones everyday, where popular bullies keep everyone in strict social castes, where breaking the rules means utter humiliation and becoming a pariah, where abortions are managed away from parental knowledge, where rapes are tolerated and assumed to be the victim’s fault, and where parents and teachers are clueless about what’s happening right under their noses. It’s a world with psychological and emotional landmines everywhere. Kids learn to negotiate this dangerous world by playing a role—a role that is governed by unforgiving, shifting, and cutthroat rules. Many feel they need to wear a mask and “stay in character” all the time just to fit in, escape the harassment, and survive without committing social suicide along the way. How can anyone growing up in that environment get a chance to discover who they really are? Many of these kids are terrified to divulge their deepest and innermost thoughts to anyone…even themselves. This book tells the story of Liz Emerson, the most popular girl in her junior class at high school. She’s also an emotional bully. She wasn’t always that way. She used to be the type of fragile child who had an excess of empathy, but that all ended in fifth grade when she witnessed another fragile girl being emotionally bullied in a horrific way. Liz knew she could never survive if that happened to her. So, she figured the only way to insure that she’d escape being the victim of a bully was to become the bully herself. She learned to hide her empathy away and live the life of a fraud. “Some nights, Liz looked back and counted the bodies, all those lives she had ruined simply by existing. So she chose to stop existing.” Yes, this book is about a teen who attempts suicide—in this case by running her car off a cliff. Liz grew up to be a teen who “was never careful with her life or anyone else’s.” Within her psychological core, she developed “a coldness, a deep cruelty, and a willingness to destroy anyone and everyone,” even herself in the end. She took on an impossible role for herself as unbreakable. She was a teen spiraling out of control, breaking apart at the seams, sinking into a deep clinical depression, and all the time she was wearing the mask of the unbreakable popular girl. There was one boy, mature beyond his years, who understood and loved Liz and was aware of her hidden vulnerability. He should have hated her; after all, she posted an incredibly embarrassing video of him on Facebook that made him the laughingstock of the entire high school. But long ago, he got over it and forgave her. He recognized that Liz’ problem was that she was afraid of being herself…of being breakable. There is so much to recommend this beautifully written and deeply honest book! In particular, I’d like to see teens and parents read it together and discuss it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Thanks to Edelweiss and Greenwillow Books for access to this title.
4.5 stars.
This was such a great look at the other side of bullying - a look at what happens to the person doing the bullying. I know this is not always the case because there are those out there who just enjoy hurting others, but in this instance it was interesting to see how she just sort of fell into it and started to hate herself for it. To me it was a realistic view of how a person can feel worthless, even if the world sees them as a "popular" person.
I usually hate a book that doesn't have a linear flow, but I found myself loving that aspect of this story more and more the farther I read. I especially liked the slow revelations of everyone's characters and secrets.
A perfect read for those who loved If I Stay, and I will be sure to keep it in mind as everyone comes in for the book now that there is a movie. This is definitely for older teens as it includes sexuality, language, and drug use. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Excellent. Read it in one day. It was that good.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Wow, I love this book. It tore me apart but gave me hope in the end. I love how the author was able to put into words emotions that were so raw it hurts.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was excellent it showed a different side to the popular crowd, the bullies and everyone else affected by their behaviour. I really enjoyed this and will be looking for more books from this author
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5the main character is a bad person but that’s what makes this book so good, because we switch from the stories of the people around her that saw the worst and best sides of her. liz (the main character) decided instead of changing herself she must end it all. she is guilt ridden and we can see this with this so well with this unconditional writing style. all of the characters have flaws, i think the potential to be better and not chase this idealistic version of yourself, is so wonderfully displayed here. i didn’t give it 5 stars because at points i definitely felt myself confused about what was going on, and until like the last 10 pages i didn’t understand what was going on with the narrator.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5So beautifully written I stayed up half the night to finish it. If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to [email protected] or [email protected]
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Review courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick & Dirty: Falling Into Place was a extremely heart-wrenching novel about forgiveness, friendship, and looking beyond people’s images.Opening Sentence: First law.The Review:Liz Emerson is popular. She’s the top of the social pyramid in her small town of Meridan. She’s loved and looked up to by some, hated by others. She has made some people’s lives, but more often she has broke them. And from the outside she seems fine. She goes to parties, she gets decent grades, she has a boyfriend. So when Liz Emerson crashes into a tree and is teetering on the brink of death, no one suspects she was trying to commit suicide. This is a deeply emotional story of a girl losing her grip on living and how she went from a happy, innocent child to this broken teen.Last year, I read The Fault in Our Stars. I really didn’t think that a novel could get any more depressing. Well, bingo — I found one with two times the sadness factor. Usually when I’m reviewing a book I leave notes in them for possible “memorable scenes” for the reviews. This book, I must have highlighted 10, 20 scenes on my nook that really impacted me, because wisdom filled passages were everywhere in this story. I couldn’t keep from being drawn in by the novel. I loved the writing style — simple, but packing plenty of meaning into each carefully chosen word. It wasn’t a typical contemporary, without a romance. There was a love interest but you saw very little of the main character and him together and never surely find out if they end up together or not.The chapters in this story were in three forms. One of them was after Liz Emerson got into the car crash. Another was scenes from Liz’s past, her recent past and childhood. And finally, there were chapters from some mysterious point of view that I couldn’t figure out. I didn’t know who it was!! I couldn’t catch a hint!! I kept thinking it might be her father, who died when Liz was small when he fell off a roof, but nope. I was horribly wrong. It took until the very last chapter for me to finally realize and there was a big “oh…” moment in which I cursed by inability to see the clues unfold. Sad to say, I’m not Sherlock. Anyway, these mixed point of views were very helpful in giving us a full view of how Liz’s story unfolded and I liked being able to see the process of how she became so hurt inside to commit suicide.Some people on Goodreads say that they didn’t like the main character, Liz. It’s true. She did some horrible things. But I think that being on the journey with her, it was hard for me to be mad, after watching her life unfold. I felt connected with her, and I cried with her and smiled with her. I understood her feelings, though our lives are very different, and I was so upset with the sheer amount of pain in her life. She felt responsible for so many things starting with a particular incident. In many ways, she was responsible, creating ripples that ended in a splash. Her friends also had trouble in their lives. One, Kennie, had an abortion and the emotional horror of that was exhausting and still plagued her. The other, Julia, is addicted to drugs. She can’t admit to herself, she tries to block it out, but nevertheless it stays.This book was such a journey. Your emotions are caught on a rocky path and stay there the whole book, swaying from happiness to sadness to feeling as depressed as Liz. And it all leads up to the inevitable end: will Lis survive? Will Liam get his girl? I loved all the characters in this book no matter what horrible deeds they did. I also adored the way Newton’s laws were worked into the story, how they wove in and out drawing the pages together. Every part of this book was full of feeling and meaning, never a dull moment. Let me make this clear. Someone looking for a light, fluffy contemporary with a romance is not looking for this book. It’s deep, thought-provoking, but not fluffy in the slightest. To people looking for cute, read Anna and the French Kiss, but not this book. If you open this up be prepared to be crying most of the novel!!Notable Scene:They had acceleration, she, Kennie, and Julia. They had mass. They goaded and mocked and multiplied each other, so they had force. They were the catalysts, the fingers that tipped the first domino. They started things that grew into other things that were much greater than themselves.A touch, a nudge in the wrong direction, and everyone fell down.FTC Advisory: Greenwillow Books/HarperCollins provided me with a copy of Falling Into Place. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Amy Zhang has written an impressive, gritty debut especially when you consider that she wrote this book whilst still at secondary school. I loved her style of writing, it was beautiful and quite lyrical at times, but "Falling into Place" won't appeal to everyone. The story is told in fragmented pieces, before and after Liz tried to commit suicide. None of the characters are likeable, however, they are believable with flaws and insecurities, and somehow this book works. Well done, Amy! I look forward to following your career as an author.
1 person found this helpful
Book preview
Falling into Place - Amy Zhang
CHAPTER ONE
Laws of Motion
On the day Liz Emerson tries to die, they had reviewed Newton’s Laws of Motion in physics class. Then, after school, she put them into practice by running her Mercedes off the road.
As she lies on the grass with the shattered window tangled in her hair, her blood all around her, she looks up and sees the sky again. She begins to cry, because it’s so blue, the sky. So, so blue. It fills her with an odd sadness, because she had forgotten. She had forgotten how very blue it was, and now it is too late.
Inhaling is becoming an exceedingly difficult task. The rush of cars grows farther and farther away, the world blurs at the edges, and Liz is gripped by an inexplicable urge to get to her feet and chase the cars, redefine the world. In this moment, she realizes what death really means. It means that she will never catch them.
Wait, she thinks. Not yet.
She still doesn’t understand them, Newton’s Three Laws of Motion. Inertia and force and mass and gravity and equal and opposite reactions still do not quite fit together in her head, but she is ready to let go. She is ready for it all to end.
It is then, when she releases her need to understand, that everything falls into place.
Things just aren’t that simple.
And suddenly it’s very clear to her that every action is an interaction, and everything she has ever done has led to something else, and to another something else, and all of that is ending here, at the bottom of the hill by Highway 34, and she is dying.
In that moment, everything clicks.
And Liz Emerson closes her eyes.
SNAPSHOT: SKY
We lie on the red-checkered blanket with weeds and flowers all around us, caught in the fleece. Our breaths carry our dandelion wishes higher, higher, until they become the clouds we watch. Sometimes we looked for animals or ice cream cones or angels, but today we only lie there with our palms together and our fingers tangled, and we dream. We wonder what lies beyond.
One day, she will grow up and imagine death as an angel that will lend her wings, so she can find out.
Death, unfortunately, is not in the business of lending wings.
CHAPTER TWO
How to Save a Corpse
I watch the spinning lights close in, wrapping the scene in long lines of ambulances and yellow tape. Sirens wail and paramedics spill out, running and slipping down the great hill in their haste. They surround the Mercedes, crouch beside her, the glass crunching beneath their feet.
No gag reflex. Get the tube ready, I need RSI intubation—
Can you start a line from there? Jaws of life . . . get the fire department!
—no, forget that, break the windshield—
So they do. They remove the glass and carry her up the hill, and no one notices the boy standing near the mangled bits of her car, watching.
Her name is on his lips.
Then he is pushed back by a policeman, forced back to the crowd of people who have gotten out of their cars to catch a glimpse of the scene, the blood, the body. I look past the circle and see the traffic rapidly piling up in every direction, and right then, it’s very easy to imagine Liz somewhere in the long line of cars, sitting inside an intact Mercedes, her hand pressed to the horn, her swearing drowned out by the pounding bass of the radio.
It’s impossible. It’s impossible to imagine her as anything but alive.
The fact, however, is that the word alive no longer accurately describes Liz Emerson. She is being pushed into the back of an ambulance, and for her, the doors are closing.
She’s tachycardic—and hypotensive, can you—
I need a splint, she’s got a complex fracture in the superior femur—
"No, just get the blood stopped! She’s going into shock!"
As everyone moves and rushes around her, a musical of beeping machines and panic, I just watch her, her hands, her face. Her hair falling out of the hasty braid. The foundation across her cheeks, too thin to cover the graying skin.
When I look around, I can see her heart beating on three different monitors. I can see the steam her breath makes on the mask. But Liz Emerson is not alive.
So I lean forward. I place my lips beside her ear and whisper for her to stay, stay alive, over and over again. I whisper it as though she’ll hear me, like she used to. As though she’ll listen.
Stay alive.
CHAPTER THREE
The News
Monica Emerson is on a plane when the hospital calls. Her phone is turned off, and the call goes straight to voicemail.
An hour later, she turns on her phone and listens to her messages as she makes her way to baggage claim. The first is from the marketing division of her company—something about her next trip to Bangkok. The second is from the dry cleaners. The third is silent.
The fourth begins just as she spots her suitcase on the carousel, so the words Your daughter was in a car accident
don’t register right away.
She makes herself listen to the entire thing one more time, breathe, and when it ends and the nightmare doesn’t, she turns and runs.
The suitcase takes another turn on the carousel.
Julia is almost halfway through her calculus homework when the phone in the hall rings.
It makes her jump, because no one ever calls her house. She has a cell and her father has three, and Julia has never understood why they needed a landline too.
Regardless, she goes into the hall to answer, because conic parametric equations are giving her a headache.
Hello?
Is this George De—
No,
she says. This is Julia. His daughter?
Well, this is the emergency contact number we have for Elizabeth Emerson. Is it correct?
Liz?
She twirls the phone cord around her fingers and wishes, suddenly, that she had never let Liz put her dad down as an emergency contact. It wasn’t like he was ever around for emergencies. Stupid, she thought. Yes, this is the right number. Is Liz—what’s going on?
There’s a pause. Is your father home?
Julia pushes down her annoyance, chokes it, cinches the phone line tighter around her fingers and watches them turn purple. No,
she says. Is something wrong? Is Liz okay?
I’m not authorized to release the information to anyone except Mr. George Dev—
Did something happen to Liz?
Another hesitation, and then a sigh. Elizabeth was admitted to St. Bartholomew’s Hospital a little while ago. She was in a car accident—
Julia drops the phone, grabs her car keys, and Googles directions to the hospital on the way to her car.
Kennie is on a bus with the rest of Meridian High’s dance team. At the moment the Mercedes flips over, she is leaning over the back of her seat, trying to grab Jenny Vickham’s bag of sour gummies while the bus driver yells at her to sit down. She is happy, because soon she’ll dance beneath spotlights as the only junior in the front row. Soon they’ll win the competition and come back laughing. Soon she’ll spin and leap and forget about the baby and the abortion and Kyle and Liz.
I’m happy, she tells herself. Be happy.
Both Monica Emerson and Julia are too busy unraveling to remember Kennie. They couldn’t have called anyway—Kennie has no phone service on the bus, and her phone is about to die. As Monica and Julia rush for the hospital, Kennie is traveling in the opposite direction, blissfully ignorant of the fact that her best friend is dying.
She probably won’t know for a while. No, she’ll come home after winning the competition, cheeks sore from smiling so much, stomach cramped from laughing the whole ride back. She will take a shower and exchange her sparkles and spandex for a worn pair of pajamas. She will sit in the darkness of her room, her wet hair piled atop her head, and scroll through her Facebook feed. She will find it clogged with a story told through statuses, and it will take her breath away.
CHAPTER FOUR
Stay Alive
Liz had planned the crash with an uncharacteristic attention to detail, but not once did St. Bartholomew’s Hospital make an appearance in her plans, because she was supposed to die on impact.
She had been excessively careful in choosing the location, however. The highway, the hill, the icy turn, all nearly an hour from her house. She had even driven along the route once, swerved a little, chipped the paint on the Mercedes, for practice. But because she had chosen to crash her car so far away, no one is there to meet her when the ambulance pulls into St. Bartholomew’s. No one is there to hold her hand as the doctors wheel her to surgery.
There’s only me.
I can only watch.
Stay alive.
I watch the doctors arrive. I watch the flashing scalpels, the eyebrows that curve downward. I watch the hands, the white latex splashed with red.
I watch, and I remember the time Liz fractured her shin in kindergarten playing soccer, already too in love with the sport and already too vain for shin guards, and how we went to Children’s Hospital instead of this one. That surgery room had a border of giraffes jumping rope, and Liz had held my hand until the anesthesia pulled her away.
But there are no giraffes jumping rope here, and Liz’s hand is broken. This isn’t like that surgery, or any of the other ones—the one at Taft Memorial when Liz tore her ACL during a powder puff game, or the one at the dentist’s when she’d had her wisdom teeth removed. During those, the doctors had been relaxed. There had been iPod docks in the corners, playing Beethoven or U2 or Maroon 5, and the doctors had seemed . . . well, human.
These surgeons are all hands and knives, cutting and peeling Liz apart, sewing and sewing her back together as though they can trap her soul and lock it away under her skin. I wonder how much of her will be left when they finish.
Stay alive.
But she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to.
I try to remember the last time she was happy, her last good day, and it takes so long to sort through the other memories, the unhappy ones and the empty ones and the shattered ones, that it’s easy to understand why she closed her eyes and jerked her wheel to the side.
Because Liz Emerson held so much darkness within her that closing her eyes didn’t make much of a difference at all.
CHAPTER FIVE
Five Months Before Liz Emerson Crashed Her Car
On the first Friday of Liz’s junior year, only three topics were discussed at lunch: Ms. Harrison’s plus-size miniskirt and fishnet stockings, the sheer number of freshman skanks, and the enormous beach party Tyler Rainier was going to throw that night. Over her tray of healthy (by government standards) and inedible (by everyone else’s standards) lunch, Liz declared her intentions too. Which meant, of course, that everyone else was going too.
Everyone were the others sitting at the three tables reserved for Meridian High School’s elite: the petty, the vain, the jocks, the idiots, the beautiful, the accepted and admired sluts. In particular, her statement was directed at Kennie, who would immediately text Julia—who, due to a scheduling conflict resulting from an overload of AP classes, had a different lunch hour—with the plans.
Liz, Julia, Kennie. That was the way things were, and no one questioned it anymore.
After school, Liz drove home with the radio blasting. She was more lenient on the gas pedal than usual, because she knew she would return to an empty house. Her mom was either in Ohio or Bulgaria that weekend—she couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter. There was always a business trip, and always another one.
Once upon a time, Liz had loved that her mother traveled. It was like magic, like a fairy tale, to have a mother who crossed oceans and knew the sky. Besides, when her mom wasn’t home, her dad let her eat on the couch, and he never nagged when we wanted to jump on the bed or skip brushing our teeth or play on the roof.
But then her dad died and she grew up and her mother still went on her trips, and Liz had learned to be lonely.
It wasn’t the aloneness that Liz minded. It was the silence. It echoed. It bounced off the walls of the Emerson’s oversized house. It filled the corners and the closets and the shadows. In reality, Liz’s mom wasn’t gone as often as it seemed to Liz, but the silence magnified everything.
It was her oldest fear, that silence. She had always hated when there was nothing to say, hated the minutes of darkness at sleepovers as everyone drifted but didn’t quite sleep, hated study hall, hated pauses in phone calls. Other little girls feared the dark, and they grew up and left their fears behind. Liz was afraid of silence, and she kept her fears clenched so tightly in her fists that they grew and grew and swallowed her whole.
For a while, she sat in the garage with the Mercedes still purring beneath her, the radio blasting line after line of rap she could barely understand. She wished that she’d asked Julia or Kennie to come over after school so she could put off the silence for a little longer. But she hadn’t, and she told herself that regret was stupid and she pulled her keys from the ignition. The silence hit her physically, surrounded her as she unlocked the back door, swallowed her as she went inside, strangled her as she slid out of her shoes and microwaved something called a Pizzarito (a melting pot of flavor!
). Briefly, she thought about going for a run—open gym for soccer would start soon, and she was out of shape—but though the air was crisp and part of her wanted that escape through movement, a greater part was unwilling to go upstairs for her running shoes, come all the way back down, lace them up, dig her keys back out of her purse, lock the door. . . .
The microwave beeped, and Liz fetched the Pizzarito and flipped through channels until the boredom became intolerable.
Then, with the silence still pounding inside and outside of her, Liz went to the bathroom, slid her fingers down her throat, and carefully transferred the melting pot of flavor from her stomach to the toilet.
In her life, Liz had flirted with a number of dangerous things—drugs, bulimia, the pervert stoner who worked at RadioShack.