My Heart and Other Black Holes
4.5/5
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About this ebook
A stunning novel about the transformative power of love, perfect for fans of 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher.
Sixteen-year-old physics nerd Aysel is obsessed with plotting her own death. With a mother who can barely look at her without wincing, classmates who whisper behind her back, and a father whose violent crime rocked her small town, Aysel is ready to turn her potential energy into nothingness.
There’s only one problem: she’s not sure she has the courage to do it alone. But once she discovers a website with a section called Suicide Partners, Aysel’s convinced she’s found her solution—Roman, a teenage boy who’s haunted by a family tragedy, is looking for a partner.
Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each other’s broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together.
Jasmine Warga
Jasmine Warga is the New York Times bestselling author of Other Words for Home, a Newbery Honor Book and a Walter Honor Book for Younger Readers; The Shape of Thunder; and A Rover’s Story. Her teen books, Here We Are Now and My Heart and Other Black Holes, have been translated into over twenty-five languages. She lives in the Chicago area with her family. You can visit Jasmine online at jasminewarga.com.
Read more from Jasmine Warga
Other Words for Home: A Newbery Honor Award Winner Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Rover's Story Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
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Reviews for My Heart and Other Black Holes
136 ratings27 reviews
What our readers think
Readers find this title to be one of the best books they've ever read. The author's description of the characters' emotions feels real and sad, but with a touch of hope. It's a book that readers recommend to everyone. They couldn't put it down and found it amazing, painful, genuine, and full of hope. The story is beautiful and addresses the important topic of depression, encouraging readers to take action and provide moral support to those in need. Overall, readers loved it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Aysel is depressed, mostly because of something her father did years ago, and not only how that affected Aysel’s family, but also what she thinks it means about her own future. Her mother has a new family that Aysel doesn’t really fit into, and she doesn’t seem to have friends at school, or enjoy her job. She loves physics, though, and often thinks about death in terms of physics - where will her energy go? Those aspects of the book were most interesting to me - what Aysel thought about when it came to killing herself. Except she doesn’t think she can do it alone, so she goes on a website to find a nearby suicide partner named Roman. When they meet, she’s surprised he’s going to kill himself, because he seems like a popular, well-liked guy. As Aysel and Roman learn more about each other, Aysel starts thinking about death in broader terms than just physics. The book is a really interesting way of writing about depressed and suicidal teens. It’s not all woe-is-me, nor is it sappy. It’s a well-balanced exploration of depressed teens and what they think is worth ending their lives over, and how lives can change.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Despite the seriousness of the topic, "My Heart and Other Black Holes" was an enjoyable read. While there were definitely some heart-breaking moments, they were balanced with humour and light-heartedness. Although I liked both characters, emotionally I connected more Roman than Ayse. I found her thinking flawed and the reasons why she wanted to commit suicide were not asbelievable as Roman's. I loved Roman. His story was terribly sad, but at the same time he was kind and caring, and a talented artist and basketballer. I just wish the author had given him his own voice rather than having Aysel narrate the whole story. I would like to have known him better.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5First of all, there can never be enough books about teenage depression and suicide. Adolescence is a painfully confusing time and books like this one help teens see that everybody's journey is unique and meaningful. That said, this book brought two relatable characters together with a common goal. Once you learn the characters back stories it seems almost too good to be true. It seems like it would never happen in real life because of how uniquely bad their situations are. That's the beauty of this book in my opinion. I feel like if I had either of their lives I would have been in such a darker place, but the fact that they manage to navigate a road to recovery is a very powerful message.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5First of all, there can never be enough books about teenage depression and suicide. Adolescence is a painfully confusing time and books like this one help teens see that everybody's journey is unique and meaningful. That said, this book brought two relatable characters together with a common goal. Once you learn the characters back stories it seems almost too good to be true. It seems like it would never happen in real life because of how uniquely bad their situations are. That's the beauty of this book in my opinion. I feel like if I had either of their lives I would have been in such a darker place, but the fact that they manage to navigate a road to recovery is a very powerful message.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The premise of this book made me a bit uncomfortable at first. Two teens who meet based on a suicide pact. But instead of being a depressing book, this one is engaging and, in its own way, hopeful.Warga does a great job of creating two likeable characters. I was drawn into Aysel's story almost immediately. A hopeful look at clinical depression and the realities those suffering from this illness may face from a young age, My Heart and Other Black Holes, tells the story of a girl who is learning to understand her sadness and to lean on others for help and a boy who is dealing with the deep grief that comes from losing a sibling to epilepsy.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Aysel wants to die but she doesn't want to do it alone. Lurking in the darker corners of the internet she finds a website where suicidal people search for company in death. Two people meet to kill themselves together. Aysel finds a boy near her named Roman but once she gets to know him (because she wanted to make sure he wouldn't flake out on her last minute *and* to make arrangements about how they would do it) there seems to be something off about him. He's a popular kid, he used to be an athlete, he's a good student so why would he want to off himself? Aysel is a funny character of sorts. She does have a very dry sense of humor but I did puff a little at some of her quips here and there. It was charming in a sense. To be honest her reasons for suicide were kind of...I don't know how to describe it but when she expanded on her reasons I thought: *really?* But I was even more disappointed in Roman's reason. It was more heartbreaking but at the same time I felt like smacking the backside of his head. Of course I'd smack them both for having life ending thoughts but his was just ugh. I couldn't get over it.There was a big buildup for the final event but the journey there wasn't that compelling. The stakes never felt high and there wasn't anything that indicated either were going to off themselves like talking to the people they did know about hypothetical ifs, giving precious belongings away, pre-suicide self harm...I don't know. I can't recommend if you want to read based on what the summary says but it's still a good story and well written.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Review courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick & Dirty: A suicidal romanceOpening Sentence: Music, especially classical music, especially Mozart’s Requiem Mass in D Minor, has kinetic energy.The Review:There was a lot of hype surrounding this book when it first released and although I didn’t get a chance to read it at the time, I’m so glad I received a review copy from DFT. Just so you know, it was hyped for good reason!The story is told from Aysel’s perspective, a young girl suffering from depression, wanting to kill herself but is in the search for a suicide partner for ‘moral support’. Aysel uses a suicide website (do such things exist???!!!) and meets her match; Roman, aka frozen robot. The story takes off from there and is a countdown until April 7th, their agreed ‘deathday’.A surge jolts through my bones and I vaguely remember that this is what excitement feels like. FrozenRobot has perfect timing. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I’m lucky. This must be a sign from the universe-if the only time you get lucky is when you’re planning your suicide, it’s definitely time to go.Even though the love story was predictable, I still enjoyed reading it. Neither teenager has any hope for the future but, ironically, by meeting their suicide partner they begin to experience living. It’s all about finding reasons to live that are stronger than the reasons to die.He looks over at me and my heart seizes and I think that any second, it might explode. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is like a black hole – it’s so dense that there’s no room for light, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still suck me in. I’m going to miss Mike the most. I’m going to miss him so much, I almost can’t stand it.Aysel has a very realistic way of describing depression, and she emphasises the ugly truth of it, like a black slug that sucks her happiness away. Her honesty and exposed feelings really hit home and helped the reader to try and comprehend why she’s so focused on dying.“You’re like a gray sky. You’re beautiful, even though you don’t want to be.”But he’s wrong. It’s not that I don’t want to be. But I never wanted to be beautiful because I was sad. FrozenRobot of all people should know that there is nothing beautiful or endearing or glamorous about sadness. Sadness is only ugly, and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t get it. I think what he means to say is that he and I are ugly in the same way and there’s something familiar, comfortable, about that. Comfortable is different from beautiful.I enjoyed this story more than I expected to because I’ve known people suffering from depression and I know first-hand that it’s an awful place to be. For someone to pull you out of that ‘black hole’ is near enough a miracle, and this story gives the reader that hope.As I pull out of the school parking lot, I make a promise to myself: I will be stronger than my sadness.In this tale, Aysel begins to imagine a positive future, but just because she’s started having second thoughts about committing suicide doesn’t necessarily mean that Roman feels the same. Aysel’s new mission is to try and turn Roman around, which is a very scary thought because you can only help someone willing to accept help.What I also liked about My Heart and Other Black Holes was that the story isn’t focused on Aysel wanting to live for Roman or vice versa. Aysel fights for herself and although it was because of Roman that her perspective changed, he’s not the sole reason for her decision. Her strength comes from the inside and the author is correct about it being a long road to recovery. The fundamental message that I hope everyone takes when reading this is that no matter how difficult and dark things may seem, it does get better if you only let yourself believe.Notable Scene:Yes, I’m broken. And yes, he’s broken. But the more we talk about it, the more we share our sadness, the more I start to believe that there could be a chance to fix us, a chance that we could save each other.Everything used to seem so final, inevitable, predestined. But now I’m starting to believe that life may have more surprises in store than I ever realized. Maybe it’s all relative, not just light and time like Einstein theorized, but everything. Like everything seems awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, and then suddenly, everything seems more bearable.FTC Advisory: Balzer + Bray/HarperCollins provided me with a copy of My Heart and Other Black Holes. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Aysel is a depressed teen planning on suicide as her only option. It becomes obvious that depression is something her father also shares, only he did not deal with it effectively and ended up committing a horrible crime that resulted in his incarceration. While Aysel is committed to the idea of ending her life, she does not believe she can do it alone. She starts checking out Web sites that assist in this endeavor, finally finding one that links her up with a suicide partner. However, things do not turn out as planned. This book is more life-affirming than depressing with results that show that there is always hope, if you can just hang on for another day.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Diese und weitere Rezensionen findet ihr auf meinem Blog Anima Libri - Buchseele
Das Cover zu „Mein Herz und andere schwarze Löcher“ von Jasmine Warga mit seinem hellen Hintergrund und den fröhlichen bunten Farbklecksen ist irgendwie völlig irreführend. Es wirkt so leicht und unbeschwert und das ist die Geschichte, die sich hinter dem Cover versteckt, definitiv nicht.
Aysel hat Depressionen und sie will nicht mehr leben. Sie plant ihren Selbstmord, zögert aber, da sie Angst hat, es in der letzten Minute doch noch zu versauen. Dann stößt sie auf eine Internetseite, auf der sich „Selbstmordpartner“ zum gemeinsamen Selbstmord zusammen finden. Dort lernt sie Roman kennen und die beiden schließen einen Pakt – doch dann entwickelt sich alles ganz anders, als Aysel erwartet hätte.
Mich konnte Jasmine Wargas „Mein Herz und andere schwarze Löcher“ direkt in seinen Bann ziehen und mich vor allem durch die authentische Darstellung der Protagonisten, ihrer Gefühle und Probleme, ihrer Ängste und ihrer Depressionen überzeugen. Dieser Roman geht unter die Haut und hat dabei vor allem eine Message: Hoffnung.
Alles in allem kann ich „Mein Herz und andere schwarze Löcher“ von Jasmine Warga nur allen Lesern wärmstens empfehlen, es ist quasi ein Must-Read, einfühlsam, bewegend, erschütternd und hoffnungsvoll. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5At one point, mid-way through this book, my eyes started tearing up and I nearly cried. This is a truly touching novel about two teens who make a pact to commit suicide together. The descriptions of depression, the pain both main characters felt, and outlook on life were easy to relate to as well as realistic of someone experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts. At times this book was a tough read, but good nonetheless.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"Nothing about this is going to be easy."When it comes to books about suicide and depression, 2015 has started off with a couple of them. All the Bright Places, I Was Here, The Last Time We Say Goodbye, and now, My Heart and Other Black Holes.What this book brings to the table, however, is a different way to commit suicide: using suicide partners. Seeing Aysel and Roman forming a connection over deciding to die together was definitely very different to what I was used to reading.I will be honest and let you know right now: this book? It’s depressing. I was bummed out for the first 30-40% because everything was just so sad. I could literally feel Aysel’s depression as strongly as if it were my own. Her “black slug”, as she refers to it, is a constant presence, and I felt as if it were sucking up my happiness as I kept on reading."I spend a lot of time wondering what dying feels like. What dying sounds like. However that’s not to say that it was a bad book. On the contrary, it was pretty amazing. It doesn’t glamorize mental illnesses or depression, on the contrary, it showed how the wrong approach to these can have bad consequences.Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful of literary or mysterious about depression. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and in your blood. If I know anything about it, this is what I know: It’s impossible to escape."It was very impacting seeing how Aysel and Roman planned their impending suicide; the knowing that a special project was due for a date after the mutual suicide, the fact that they were slowly saying goodbye to family members and friends without being so obvious about it… It was damn heartbreaking. It makes a reader think “could I be able to see the signs if someone close to me was considering suicide?”."But the thing is, our project is due on April 10, so in the end it doesn’t matter. I’ll be gone before we have to turn it in."This book is beautifully written. It’s easy to follow, and Aysel’s voice, even while being completely messed up and cynical, is compelling to say the least. I like how physics and classical music were integrated into the novel; it made it all the more interesting."Recently I’ve become so much more aware of the things we do that keep us alive- our inhales, our exhales, our heartbeats."I thought this would have been predictable YA mental illness disorder book, but I’m glad to have been wrong. I loved being surprised!My only complaint is that I wish I could have read from Roman’s POV as well. I don’t feel like we get to know him all that much through Aysel’s description.Overall I really recommend this book; it brought something different to an seemingly saturated genre about suicide. It was brilliantly written and Aysel and Roman are characters that'll stick with you even after finishing reading.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Kentucky USA: In einem Internetforum für Selbstmordpartnerlernt die türkischstämmige Aysel, deren Vater einen begnadeten Basketballspieler erschlagen hat, den depressiven Roman kennen. Roman fühlt sich schuldig am Todseiner jüngeren Schwester Maddie und sieht genau wie Ayselnur einen Ausweg: den Suizid. Beide Jugendliche planen innerhalb von 26 Tagen ihren gemeinsamen Freitod, doch bis es soweit ist lernen sie sich besser kennen. Plötzlich stellen sie fest, dass ihnen die Gesellschaft des anderen gut tut. Der Kreislauf aus Einsamkeit, Schuldgefühlen und Aggression scheint durchbrochen. Aysel und Roman machen sich auf den Weg, Aysels Vater im Gefängnis zu besuchen undentdecken beim gemeinsamen Campen die erotische Liebe, die allein das Leben wieder lebenswert macht. - Das Debüt der amerikanischen Autorin überzeugt nur teilweise. Die Charaktere wirken konstruiert; Aysel z.B. hat eine Schwächefür klassische Musik, insbesondere für Wagner und ist ein Physik-Nerd. Die Story wird dem Thema "Suizid und Depression" m.E. nicht ganz gerecht. Eine sensible Liebesgeschichte in fluffigem Cover ist es allemal.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5So for my bookclub we decided to read My Heart and Other Black Holes. It was a different book for me and I loved it! BlurbSixteen-year-old physics nerd Aysel is obsessed with plotting her own death. With a mother who can barely look at her without wincing, classmates who whisper behind her back, and a father whose violent crime rocked her small town, Aysel is ready to turn her potential energy into nothingness.There’s only one problem: she’s not sure she has the courage to do it alone. But once she discovers a website with a section called Suicide Partners, Aysel’s convinced she’s found her solution: a teen boy with the username FrozenRobot (aka Roman) who’s haunted by a family tragedy is looking for a partner. Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each other’s broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together. Except that Roman may not be so easy to convince.From the beginning of this book I was prepared for heartache! Its an emotional rollercoaster following Aysel's thoughts & actions. She thinks just because her father committed an awful crime that she would end up like that one day..thats the reason she wants to die. When she meets Roman, I was hoping for thinks to change .. I was hoping he would change her mind..I wasn't expecting for Aysel to be the one begging him to stay! I wanted them to get together since the day at the zoo.. I just thought they were perfect for each other. Reading this book..I wasn't prepared for any romance..so when something happened I was super excited! I'm pretty sure I squealed with happiness.So many awesome quotes in this book. Here's a few of my favorites“You're like a grey sky. You're beautiful, even though you don't want to be.” “Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.” “He was fucking sad. That's it. That's the point. He knows life is never going to get any different for him. That there's no fixing him. It's always going to be the same monotonous depressing bullshit. Boring, sad, boring, sad. He just wants it to be over.” “It’s funny how once you like someone, even the unattractive things they do somehow become endearing.” My Heart and Other Black Holes is a great read! I couldn't put it down! I needed to know what was going to happen! I'm glad we chose this book to read!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5First, I am a high school English teacher...so I read a lot of young adult novels and deal with a lot of sad teenagers on a daily basis. Second, my review.This is a great read. So quick. So effortless. But, it is so sad. It hurts to read about this relationship that is based on the desire to die. The fact that this is geared towards a young adult audience makes me a bit concerned. The uplifting, wonderful message about how life is worth it and relationships are worth it is there, but you have to make it passed the first 200+ pages to get to that place. I could see a young person reading this book for the negativity in the first half and not allowing themselves to reflect on the ending.The other thing that I question slightly is that this basically turns into a love story, which gives a bit of a "you need to find love to be happy and not want to kill yourself" message. I feel like if this was a story about two friends helping each other without a romantic connection it may have felt more real and it would have even, possibly, had a more positive message.Overall, I really did like this book. I think that it will reach an audience that often needs to hear that life is ok.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Aysel is planning her suicide. She has made up her mind. No one can change it. There's only one problem. She's not sure she can do it by herself. That's where Roman comes in. One click of the mouse and they are now suicide buddies. Two completely different people who have a darkness inside of them so strong and so powerful that they see no way to get rid of it save for ending their lives. Aysel keeps the reason for her upcoming death close to her chest, she's not an open person and even when Roman shares why he's chosen this path she still keeps her secrets locked up. Roman's reason is simple. He blames himself for the death of his little sister. Why should he continue to live when she had her life stolen away from her? The closer the day they've chosen to die comes the more Aysel second guesses her choice. But can she really back out on Roman? Can she really let him die without her? Or will she be able to save both of their lives? This is my THIRD suicide book of the month... I can't even tell you how happy I am to be able to finish this book and move on to a light, fluffy, romance book. Now... I think I'm the only person who didn't like this book... *Ducks and runs away in a zig-zag motion*It wasn't bad but it just wasn't my favorite. The writing was nice and I did like the dry humor that Warga has, Aysel and Roman were good characters and I did feel for both of them but I just didn't feel any connection to them. Even towards the ending I made myself put it down with only a few chapters left because I had read reviews that everyone cried during the last part and I was at work. Well once I got home I finished it and realized I could have read it anywhere without risk of hysterical sobs taking over my body. I'm not really sure what else to say. I feel like when I love a book I could go on for ages talking about it and the same when I hate a book but when I feel... Indifferent I'm not really sure how to describe it. It was okay, not my favorite, didn't love it, didn't hate it. Until next time, Ginger In compliance with FTC guidelines I am disclosing that this book was given to me for free to review. My review is my honest opinion.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I wanted to read My Heart and Other Black Holes because the issue of mental illness is one that I struggle with as well. I can relate with either how the character is feeling from times in my life where I have been in a similar state of mind. I think that suicide is so important to talk about instead of letting it be so mysterious. I think that the message that teens-- and anyone really-- getting help is possible, and that the after math for the family is catastrophic. I have been in the position of a daughter losing her dad to suicide as well as my best friend's husband who I was also college friends with taking his life. Both have effected me and I miss them both. Anyways, Aysel is a genuine and realistic character. The author has either experienced or did deep research because her depression is spot on. She has repetitive thoughts, she is down, and feels like it is something ingrained in her and that she can't fix it. Though her dad was arrested and she is on the outside of the social circles, she has never quite felt like she fit. She wonders if he passed anything to her, if the sadness was just the precursor to insanity and the murderer gene as she thinks of it. She is worried though that she would chicken out, and doesn't want to be a failed attempt at taking her life, ending up paralyzed or even more isolated than she was before. Which is why she finds a site with forums and one lets you get a suicide partner. I was curious about Roman from the start, and even though they don't even talk online at the beginning of the book, I wanted to know where his depression and tendencies come from. I aired the friendship that formed between her and Roman. They had a kinship and just accepted the other... weirdness, sadness, complicated pasts and all. Ayzel began to see that happiness can be changed. She was fascinated with physics and began to imagine that she could be great scientist in this life instead of theoretical possibilities. The way Roman saw her and the way she started seeing things from a new perspective . And with the possibility the sadness may not colour every day and experience. She wanted to help Roman see these things... the possibility, being able to look at guilt and deal with grief and live in a way that can honour bcc what he had lost. While I think that friends and support can be a huge help and motivation, I also appreciated that she realized the desire and drive to overcome or at least battle the sadness and hopelessness was ultimately a personal choice. The writing was gorgeous and flowed so well. I was flying through the pages and I wanted to know more, get deeper with the characters, find out their choices and how their past would effect them and how to make other choices. There was a bittersweet but hopeful ending and I appreciated the author note and the realistic way she wrote the story. Bottom Line: emotional, powerful, realistic with flawed but easy to relate to and pull for characters.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Aysel is ready to die. But then she realizes she needs help to do so so she finds a buddy online. Oddly, another book that has a suicidal girl and a physics theme (Falling Into Place) does this much better.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The author did a very great job at describing Aysel's and Roman's emotions. It felt real and sad and heartbreaking but at the end the final touch of hope made it all feel better. This a book I recommend to everyone.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The story of the book is beautiful, there are so many people suffering from depression and most people do not notice or do anything about it because they’re on denial mode. I hope everyone who reads it, understand how important is this topic and do something to address it and help those who need that moral support to overcome their fears. I loved it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loved it so much , it’s amazing I have no words
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Painful and genuine and full of hope. Really helpful, this one is for keeps.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This author did an outstanding job. If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to [email protected] or [email protected]
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Read this in basically one sitting. I couldn't put it down!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I liked what this book was trying to do, but I really didn't like this book very much. My rating is probably closer to 2.5 stars. I have been depressed very recently (though never suicidal) and in some parts of this book I felt like it was written for people who have never been depressed so that those people can talk about how realistic and and hard hitting this book was. I just couldn't relate to this book as much as I could in other books about the topic. I also hated the relationship in this book. It felt like they were just pressuring each other into killing themselves and fighting and then all the sudden they were in love. as someone who as been depressed they was they both got over wanting to commit suicide just seemed to be a convenient plot device and not very realistic. Over all I think the reason I didn't like this book was because of my personal experiences with depression. I think that there may be people with depression that had experiences close to the ones of the main characters and can really, deeply relate to this story, but I am not one of those people.
*I listened to the audio book for this and it was fine, but I didn't love the narrator and I though some of the accents she used for characters were weird.* - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I found the characters not believable.
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- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This story deals with depression and suicidal thoughts. It's about these 2 teenagers, a girl named Aysel and a boy named Roman, who for different reasons have decided that they want to commit suicide and have signed up to this website called Smooth Passages where you can try to find a suicide partner. They find each other and the more time they spend together planning their suicide pack, the more Aysel begins to question if this is something she really wants to do and must decide not only if she wants to go through with it or not but also if she wants to try and convince Roman to live as well.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is one of the best books I've ever read.
Book preview
My Heart and Other Black Holes - Jasmine Warga
TUESDAY, MARCH 12
26 days left
Music, especially classical music, especially Mozart’s Requiem Mass in D Minor, has kinetic energy. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the violin’s bow trembling above the strings, ready to ignite the notes. To set them in motion. And once the notes are in the air, they collide against one another. They spark. They burst.
I spend a lot of time wondering what dying feels like. What dying sounds like. If I’ll burst like those notes, let out my last cries of pain, and then go silent forever. Or maybe I’ll turn into a shadowy static that’s barely there, if you just listen hard enough.
And if I wasn’t already fantasizing about dying, working at the phone bank at Tucker’s Marketing Concepts would definitely do the trick. Lucky for them they’re off the hook in terms of liability because I have a preexisting condition.
Tucker’s Marketing Concepts is a telemarketing firm located in the basement of a dingy strip mall and I’m their only employee who wasn’t alive to witness the fall of Rome. Several gray plastic tables that were probably bought in bulk from Costco are arranged in rows, and everyone gets a phone and a computer. The whole place smells like mold mixed with burnt coffee.
Right now, we’re conducting a survey for Paradise Vacations. They want to know what people value more on vacation—quality of food and beverage or quality of hotel rooms. I dial the next number on my list: Mrs. Elena George, who lives on Mulberry Street.
Hello?
a scratchy voice answers the phone.
Hello, Mrs. George. My name is Aysel and I’m calling from Tucker’s Marketing Concepts on behalf of Paradise Vacations. Do you have a moment to answer a few questions?
I lack the singsongy delivery of most of my fellow workers. I’m not exactly TMC’s star employee.
I told y’all to stop calling this number,
Mrs. George says, and hangs up on me.
You can run, but you can’t hide, Mrs. George. I make a note on my call log. Looks like she’s not interested in a two-week vacation to Hawaii with a time-share opportunity. Sorry, Paradise Vacations.
Making more than one phone call without a break in between is too much for me, so I turn to face my computer. The only perk of my job is the free, unrestricted internet access. I double click on the browser and log back on to Smooth Passages, my favorite website of the moment.
Aysel,
Mr. Palmer, my supervisor, snaps, mispronouncing my name as always. It’s Uh-zell, not Ay-zal, but he doesn’t care. How many times do I have to tell you to stop playing around on your computer?
He gestures toward my call log. You still have a lot of numbers left.
Mr. Palmer is the type of person who could change his whole life if he just once went to a different barber. He currently has a bowl cut, the type more typically found on gangly sixth-grade boys. I want to tell him that a crew cut could really bring out his jawline, but I guess he’s pretty happy with Mrs. Palmer so he’s in no rush to reinvent himself. Nope, no midlife crisis for Mr. Palmer.
I hate to admit it, but I’m a little jealous of Mr. Palmer. At least he can be fixed, if he wants to be fixed. A few scissor clips and he’ll be brand-new. There’s nothing that can fix me.
What?
Mr. Palmer says when he catches me staring at him.
You have nice hair.
I swivel in my chair. I guess I lied, my job has two perks: free internet access and I get to sit in a spinning chair.
Huh?
he grunts.
You have nice hair,
I repeat. Have you ever considered wearing it in a different style?
You know, I took a risk, hiring you.
He waves his wrinkled finger close to my face. Everyone in this town told me you were trouble. Because of your . . .
He trails off and looks away.
Because of your father, I complete his sentence in my head. The inside of my mouth fills with the sour, metallic taste I’ve come to know as humiliation. My life can be neatly divided into two sections: before my father made the nightly news and after. For a moment, I allow myself to imagine what this conversation would sound like if my father weren’t my father. Mr. Palmer probably wouldn’t speak to me like I’m a stray mutt raiding his garbage can. I’d like to think he’d have more tact, but no one wastes their tact on me anymore. But then it hits me, the thought I try to squeeze out of my mind. You wouldn’t feel any different inside.
I dip my chin to my chest in an attempt to shake that thought. Sorry, Mr. Palmer. I’m on it.
Mr. Palmer doesn’t say anything; he just looks up at the three giant shiny banners that were recently hung on the office’s back wall. Each one of them features Brian Jackson striking some sort of pose—arms crossed over his chest, arms thrown above his head in victory, arms pressed at his side midsprint. He’s been Photoshopped to have perfect skin, but there was no need to alter his ashy-blond hair or bright blue eyes. And I know from passing him in the halls at school that his calf muscles really are that large. At the bottom of each giant banner, the words HOMEGROWN IN LANGSTON, KENTUCKY, AND OLYMPIC BOUND are scrawled in red block text.
The banner doesn’t say anything about the first boy from Langston who almost qualified for the Olympics. But it doesn’t have to. As I watch Mr. Palmer study the banner, I know he’s thinking about that boy—the first boy. Almost anyone who sees Brian Jackson’s sweaty brow and muscular calves can’t help but think of Timothy Jackson, Brian’s older brother. And anyone who sees the banner and then sees me will definitely think of Timothy Jackson.
Finally, Mr. Palmer peels his eyes away from the poster and turns back to me. He can’t look me in the eye, though. He stares over the top of my head as he clears his throat. Look, Aysel. Maybe it would be best if you didn’t come in tomorrow. Why don’t you take the day off?
I press my elbows into the table, wishing I could melt into the gray plastic, into an unfeeling synthetic blend of polymers. I feel my skin starting to bruise under the weight of my body and I silently hum Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. My mind fills with dark and heavy organ notes and I imagine the organ’s keys arranging themselves into the shape of a ladder that leads to an empty quiet place. A place away from TMC, away from Mr. Palmer, away from everyone and everything.
Mr. Palmer seems to misinterpret my silence as confusion, not complete and utter mortification. He stretches his hands out in front of him, wringing them out like he just washed them. I inspire that feeling in most people—the desire to wash their hands clean. As you may know, tomorrow we’re going to be making calls on behalf of the city of Langston to try and increase attendance at Saturday’s rally for Brian Jackson.
Mr. Palmer’s voice quivers a bit and he sneaks a quick glance back at the banner, as if Brian Jackson’s focused athletic countenance may help him muster the courage to continue.
Brian’s magic must rub off on Mr. Palmer because he finds his voice again. Brian’s coming home for the weekend from training camp and the city wants everyone to show him a warm welcome. And as much as I know you would like to help, I’m afraid some of our customers might feel uncomfortable with you inviting them to the rally because, well, because of your father and . . .
His voice lowers and he continues talking, but he’s stumbling over his words and I can’t really understand what he’s saying. It’s something of a mixture between an apology, an explanation, and an indictment.
I try not to laugh. Instead of focusing on the absurdity of how I am apparently too unappealing to even operate as a telemarketer, I choose to zero in on Mr. Palmer’s word choice of customer.
I don’t think the people we harass on the daily consider themselves to be customers, but rather victims. And thanks to my dad, I’m pretty good at making everyone feel like they could be a potential victim.
Red-faced and flustered, Mr. Palmer walks away from my desk and begins strolling the other rows. He asks Marie to stop chewing gum and he begs Tony to please refrain from smearing hamburger grease all over the keyboard.
Once Mr. Palmer’s a safe distance from my desk, I open Smooth Passages again. In the simplest terms, Smooth Passages is a website for people who want to die. There are tons of these websites. Some are fancier than others, some are more niche oriented for people who have a specific method they prefer, like say suffocating, or they’re for a certain type of person, like depressed injured athletes or some shit like that. I still haven’t found one dedicated to the unwanted daughters of psychotic criminals, so for now Smooth Passages is the place for me.
Smooth Passages’ website is plain, no flashy or cheesy HTML work. It’s black and white. Classy. That is, if a website dedicated to suicide can be classy. There are message boards and forums, which is what I mostly look at. Recently, I’ve become really interested in this one section called Suicide Partners.
The problem with suicide, which most people don’t realize, is that it’s really hard to follow through. I know, I know. People are always yammering on and on about how suicide is the coward’s way out.
And I guess it is—I mean, I am giving up, surrendering. Running away from my black hole of a future, preventing myself from growing into the person I’m terrified of becoming. But just because it’s cowardly doesn’t guarantee it’s going to be easy.
The thing is, I’m concerned that my self-preservation instinct is too high. It’s like my depressed mind and my very-much-alive body are in a constant struggle. I worry about my body winning out at the last minute with some jerky impulse and then I’ll end up having done the deed only halfway.
Nothing scares me more than a failed attempt. The last thing I want is to end up in a wheelchair, eating pulverized food and being watched around the clock by some sassy nurse who has a not-so-secret obsession with cheesy reality TV.
And that’s why lately I’ve been eyeing the Suicide Partners section. I guess the way it works is you find some other sad excuse for a person who lives pretty nearby and you make your final plans with them. It’s like peer pressure suicide, and from what I gather, it’s pretty damn effective. Sign me up.
I scan some of the postings. None of them are a good fit for me. Either they’re way too far away (why do so many people in California want to blow their brains out? Isn’t living by the ocean supposed to make you happy?) or they’re just the wrong demographic (I really don’t want to get mixed up with some adult who’s having marital troubles—stressed-out soccer moms are not for me).
I contemplate composing my own ad, but I’m not really sure what I’d say. Also, nothing seems sadder than reaching out, trying to find a partner, and then getting rejected. I look over my shoulder and see that Mr. Palmer is a few rows away. He’s massaging Tina Bart’s shoulders. He’s always massaging Tina Bart’s shoulders. Maybe he isn’t as happy with Mrs. Palmer as I thought.
Mr. Palmer catches me staring at him and shakes his head. Flashing him my sweetest grimace, I pick up the phone and dial the next number that’s on my log: Samuel Porter, who lives on Galveston Lane.
As I’m listening to the familiar ring of the phone, I hear my computer beep. Damn. I’m always forgetting to mute the volume.
Laura, the middle-aged lady who works next to me and wears lipstick that’s too bright for her jaundiced complexion, raises her eyebrow at me.
I shrug. I think the software is updating,
I mouth to her.
She rolls her eyes at me. Laura, apparently, is a human bullshit detector.
Mr. Samuel Porter doesn’t answer his phone. Guess he’s not craving piña coladas. I hang up the phone and click back to Smooth Passages. Looks like it beeped because someone posted a new message in the Suicide Partners forum. It’s titled April 7th.
I open it:
I’ll admit I used to think this was stupid. The whole point of killing myself is so I can be alone forever so I never understood why I’d want to do it with someone else. But that’s changed now. I’m nervous I’ll chicken out at the last minute or something. There are other things, too, but I’d rather not get into that here.
I only have a few requirements. One, I don’t want to do it with anyone who has kids. That shit is too heavy for me. Two, you can’t live more than an hour away from me. I know this might be hard since I live in the middle of nowhere but for now I’m sticking to that. And three, we have to do it on April 7th. That date isn’t negotiable. Message me for more information.
—FrozenRobot
I check FrozenRobot’s stats and try not to judge the screen name. But, FrozenRobot, really? I understand that everyone on here is a little bit, okay, a lot emotional, but still. Have some dignity.
FrozenRobot is apparently a he. He’s seventeen, so only one year older than me. That’s fine. Oh, and he’s from Willis, Kentucky—that’s about fifteen minutes away.
A surge jolts through my bones and I vaguely remember that this is what excitement feels like. FrozenRobot has perfect timing. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I’m lucky. This must be a sign from the universe—if the only time you get lucky is when you’re planning your suicide, it’s definitely time to go.
I read the message again. April 7, that works for me. Today is March 12. I can maybe last another month or so, though lately each day feels like an eternity.
Aysel,
Mr. Palmer says again.
What?
I say, hardly paying any attention to him.
He walks so he can stand behind me and taps my computer screen. I try to minimize the window. Look, I don’t care what you do in your free time but don’t bring it to work. Got it?
His voice sags like an old couch cushion. I’d feel bad for Mr. Palmer if I had any pity saved for anyone else but me.
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Mr. Palmer isn’t familiar with Smooth Passages. He probably thinks I’m looking at some heavy metal fan site or something. Little does Mr. Palmer know, I like my music soft and instrumental. Didn’t his parents ever teach him not to buy into stereotypes? Just because I’m a sixteen-year-old girl with unruly curly hair who wears dark striped shirts every day doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a nice violin solo or a smooth piano concerto.
Once Mr. Palmer walks away, I hear Laura scoff. What?
I say.
Don’t you have the internet at home?
Laura asks, frowning at me. She’s sipping the complimentary coffee, and the plastic mug’s rim is stained with her god-awful berry burst lipstick.
Don’t you have a coffee maker at home?
She shrugs, and just when I think the conversation is over, she says, Work isn’t the place to be fishing for dates. Do that on your own time. You’re going to get the rest of us in trouble.
Right.
I look down at my keyboard. There’s no use explaining to Laura that I’m not searching for a date, or at least not that kind of date.
I stare at the pieces of cheese crackers that are stuck in the spaces between the F and G keys, and that’s when I decide—I’m going to message back FrozenRobot.
He and I have a date: April 7.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13
25 days left
The only class I really like is physics. I’m no science genius, but this is the one class that I think may have some answers to my questions. Ever since I was little, I’ve been fascinated by the way things work. I used to take apart my toys, studying how all the little pieces fit together. I would stare at the independent parts, picking up an arm of a doll (my half sister, Georgia, has never forgiven me for the autopsy I gave to her Prom Date Barbie) or the wheels of a car. Once, I dismantled my father’s alarm clock. He came in and found me sitting on the faded beige carpet, the batteries rolling around by my sneakers.
What are you doing?
he asked.
Breaking it so I can learn how to fix it.
He put his hand on my shoulder—I remember his hands, big, with long thick fingers, the type of hands that make you feel both scared and safe at the same time—and said, You know, Zellie, there are enough broken things in the world. You shouldn’t go around breaking things just for the fun of it.
The clock stayed dismantled for years, until I eventually threw it away.
Anyway, physics at least feels useful to me. Unlike English, where we’re reading poems by depressed poets. Not helpful. My teacher, Mrs. Marks, makes this big production out of trying to decode what the poets were saying. From my perspective, it’s pretty clear: I’m depressed and I want to die. It’s painful to watch all my classmates tear apart each line, looking for the significance. There’s no significance. Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.
Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood. If I know anything about it, this is what I know: It’s impossible to escape.
And I’m pretty sure I know a lot more than any of my classmates. Listening to them talk about it makes my skin crawl. So for me, English class is like watching a group of blind squirrels try to find nuts. Mrs. Marks will say, Let’s take a look at this line. Here the poet John Berryman says, ‘Life, friends, is boring.’ What do you think he meant by that?
My classmates all clamor, shouting out ridiculous things like He didn’t have anyone to hang out with on Saturday night
or Football season was over so there was nothing good to watch on TV.
It takes all the restraint in the world not to stand up and scream, He was fucking sad. That’s it. That’s the point. He knows that life is never going to get any different for him. That there’s no fixing him. It’s always going to be the same monotonous depressing bullshit. Boring, sad, boring, sad. He just wants it to be over.
But that would require me to talk in class, which would violate one of my personal rules. I don’t participate. Why? Because I’m fucking sad. Mrs. Marks sometimes gives me this look, like she knows that I know what John Berryman meant, but she never calls on me.
At least in physics my classmates aren’t desperately trying to make uncomplicated shit complicated. Nope, in physics, we’re all trying to make complicated things uncomplicated.
Mr. Scott writes an equation on the board. We’re learning about projectile motion. We’re studying the properties of an object in motion that’s under the influence of gravity only. There are all these variables like the angle the object is launched from and the initial velocity.
My eyes gloss over. Too many numbers. I start to daydream about gravity. Sometimes I wonder if gravity is the problem. It keeps us all grounded, gives us this false sense of stability when really we’re all just bodies in motion. Gravity keeps us from floating up into space, it keeps us from involuntarily crashing into one another. It saves the human race from being a big hot mess.
I wish gravity would go away and just let us all be a big mess.
Unfortunately, that’s not