Four Letters of Love: A Novel
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About this ebook
Nicholas Coughlan is twelve years old when his father, an Irish civil servant, announces that God has commanded him to become a painter. He abandons the family and a wife who is driven to despair. Years later, Nicholas's own civil-service career is disrupted by tragic news: his father has burned down the house, with all his paintings and himself in it.
Isabel Gore is the daughter of a poet. She's a passionate girl, but her brother is the real prodigy, a musician. And yet this family, too, is struck by tragedy: a seizure leaves the boy mute and unable to play. Years later, Isabel will continue to somehow blame herself, casting off her own chances for happiness.
And then, the day after Isabel's wedding to man she doesn't love, Nicholas arrives on her western isle, seeking his father's last surviving painting. Suddenly the winds of fortune begin to shift, sweeping both these souls up with them. Nicholas and Isabel, it seems, were always meant to meet. But it will take a series of chance events-and perhaps, a proper miracle-to convince both to follow their hearts to where they're meant to be.
Niall Williams
Niall Williams was born in 1958 and lives in Kiltumper, Ireland, with his wife Christine and their two children. He is the author of several novels, including Four Letters of Love, which was sold in over twenty countries and is an international bestseller.
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Reviews for Four Letters of Love
131 ratings4 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Fellas, discover your inner romantic.A first novel but he had written four non-fiction books before with his wife about local life. A romantic story with fantastic twists that are quite believable. The descriptive turn of phrase is often breathtaking and compensates for the rather slow pace of the plot, which doesn't really get going until the final quarter of the book. This book is about the style of its telling rather than the story itself.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5FOUR LETTERS OF LOVE is a typical story of miracle. The most memorable message out of this debut of the Irish writer is "life is a mystery, we cannot understand it. Once you accept that, it hurts less." In fact, the reading of the first few chapters does not seem to forebode any miracle or happiness. Miracle, after all, is a product of some circuitous events. Nicholas Coughlan's father decides to quit his job in the government, abandons his family, and becomes a painter - because God has spoken to him. He leaves Nicholas and his mother behind and takes up painting in Dublin. Nicholas' mother dies of brooding over the reason why her marriage has turned cold. The little boy loses his confidence and respect in his father. As he traces the footsteps of his father and tries to make sense of this ethereal revelation to which his father scrupulously abides, he realizes that happiness for his family is not meant to come simply, that in some inexorable way his family has been singled out. Nicholas is waiting for a miracle. When God speaks to Nicholas' father the second time he takes his life. He has sat in front of a heater and fed into it his canvases until the home burns crumbling down around him. Nicholas ponders that his father might have maddened himself with the thought that perhaps there had never been a voice from God and that the ruins of the life in which he finds himself has all been caused by his own folly. So the inconsolable truth about the Coughlans is that there has never been a call, yet nothing makes sense unless one looks at the occurrences in a grand picture. The now coming-of-age Nicholas resolves to recover the only painting that survives the fire - one that his father has given it away as a prize for a poetry contest. It possesses meaning for his life because it has not survived for nothing. Isabel Gore lives in persistent guilt that she is responsible for her brother's fit at the seaside. She feels a prisoner of what she has done (or has not done) as weeks stretch into months and then years - nobody can shoulder for her the baggage of her heart. It begins to seem as if what has happened on the shelf of rock by the sea has eternally robbed him of speech and movement and has given no reason. Isabel too, is waiting for a miracle. She never knows she will fall in love during the last year of high school and the love affair will have rendered her mindless about going to university. In utter insolence and insubordination the nuns at the covent school lose control of her - it is one of those moments in life when the plot jolts forward and understanding and planning vanish in a rash manner to an extent that she banishes forever the uncertainty of her feelings for the son of a Dublin tweed hat maker. But Nicholas and Isabel are made for each other. How would they have known? The series of events that develop around these two unrelated families somehow cross one another's paths and trigger the making of a miracle. All the open-ended threads slowly converge as strangers enter each other's spheres of living in a circuitous manner. While for most of the novel we see how lives shatter with the fall of one day's light, FOUR LETTERS OF LOVE is an unforgettable tale about the illuminating power of love. It's about affirmation of destiny, love, and miracle.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5What a lovely written book about miracles, faith, angels, love, and magic! Set on the west coast of Ireland and Dublin, Mr. Williams interweaves the stories of Isabel Gore and Nicholas Coughlan. Isabel lives on an island off Galway, the daughter of a poet/teacher and the most beautiful girl on the island, but she is full of guilt for her musical brother's lapse into illness. Nicholas is the son of a civil servant in Dublin who heard the commandment of God to leave his depressed wife and young son in the summers to tramp about the west coast to paint.The writing is exquisite:“The skies we slept under were too uncertain for forecasts. They came and went on the moody gusts of the Atlantic, bringing half a dozen weathers in an afternoon and playing all four movements of a wind symphony, allegro, andante, scherzo and adagio on the broken backs of white waves.”My only quibble is that I thought the ending was a bit rushed, but maybe that's because I wanted the book to go on. It's a lovely story that evokes the best of Ireland.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Four Letters of Love is a thought-provoking novel that I serendipitously found at the public library used bookstore. Situated in picturesque Ireland, the story begins in the first person with Nicholas, a young twelve year-old boy, telling of how his father received a directive from God commanding him to quit his civil servant job and to become an artist painter. Nicolas’ father embarks on his new calling, and abandons the family for long periods of time during his painting trips to Western Ireland. The other main character in the story is Isabel Gore, the daughter of the master teacher living on an island off the Galway coast. Although Isabel’s parents have high aspirations for her, her beauty and high-spirit attract the eye of a bucolic young man named Peader, whom she ends up disastrously marrying. Without giving too much away, this is essentially a love story about Nicholas’ devotion to his father and his undying love for Isabel. Beautifully and lyrically written in a more traditional style of writing, as with Jane Austin, this story led me to ponder issues about destiny and faith, as Nicholas comes to realize that nothing is happenstance, but is all part of God’s plan to complete the weave in the fabric of our lives. I especially loved one passage in which the author states, “In love everything changes, and continues changing all the time. There is no stillness, no stopped clock of the heart in which the moment of happiness holds forever, but only the constant whirring forward motion of desire and need, rising and falling, falling and rising, full of doubts then certainties that moment by moment change and become doubts again.” Because this novel is so brilliantly written and provocative, I decided to give it five stars, even though it might not be as light-hearted or frivolous as many of the books that I so enjoy.
Book preview
Four Letters of Love - Niall Williams
FOR MY MOTHER
hidden among the stars
Contents
Introduction
ONE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
TWO
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
THREE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
FOUR
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
FIVE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
SIX
1
SEVEN
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
Afterword
A Note on the Author
Also by Niall Williams
Introduction
Four Letters of Love was first published in 1997 when I was living in County Wexford. I know the book was given to me by a clever friend who felt that I would respond to its uniquely Irish cadences. How right they were, whoever they were, for I regret that neither the author nor myself is quite sure how the book found its way to me. If you’re reading now, John or Marianne or Mim or another kind and perceptive person, I hope I thanked you at the time but if I didn’t, I thank you now for your understanding and recognition.
From the moment I read the first lines, ‘When I was twelve years old God spoke to my father for the first time. God didn’t say much.’ I was hooked, I was a goner, tumbling headlong into this sweeping, magical tale. This is odd to me – I am by nature, or more possibly upbringing, of a more pragmatic mind. The boldly romantic does not always sit easily. I confess that had I read some of the reviews (which were fulsome in their praise) I might well have thought, ‘Well, I’m sure it’s wonderful but I don’t think it’s quite for me.’ How very sad that would have been.
I’ve considered this, turned it around, worried at it. Of course, the writing is fabulous, at times sublime but I realize now that what held me and sent me careering on, cock-a-hoop, was something which I believe is at the very heart of good film-making. You cannot be as life is, you can only create a new reality and style equals reality, by which I mean find the style and you find the reality. Williams has created, through language rather than image on screen, a complete world and although it is one which I might find in a lesser writer’s hands hard to take, I trust him and I believe enough in the reality of that world to enter it wholeheartedly.
In Four Letters of Love ‘the natural and supernatural conspir[e]’ to form a reality in which we see daggers, spears, shards of glass where none exist. We smell eucalyptus, juniper, bruised and crushed roses in places where they shouldn’t be. We meet angels, winged horses, shining fluttering white birds and people who no longer inhabit the everyday world. We witness miracles and, most alarmingly, we come across God, tucked into the very fabric of the narrative.
Williams himself, revealingly, even refers to this phenomenon within the novel. ‘[Nicholas] said it without exaggeration or comment, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and perhaps for this reason it struck Muiris and Margaret as just that.’ I think I’ll give him the last word there.
The connection between this highly literary novel and film is something that intrigues me. Time shifts and sways. Months and years pass in a twinkle or moments extend seemingly indefinitely. We half enter scenes as our attention is directed towards one particular character or moment and we realize, sometimes with a shock as we are led back into the main action, that the scene has been playing without us.
I recall a particular example when Sean is telling his father and mother about the momentous visit to Galway to see Isabel when the focus subtly shifts to Margaret as she watches Nicholas and catches ‘the scent of hopeless love’. ‘Every day?’ someone asks, jolting us back into the scene. Every day, what happened every day? We don’t know and it doesn’t matter. We are refocused onto the three men with a new understanding.
God told Nicholas’ father, William, ‘to be a painter’. This is the third line of the novel. My parents told me to be a painter or rather they suggested that a career as an art teacher might be more stable than that of an actor. My father was a vicar so there is an odd sort of echo there, somewhere. Painting and the love of painting (not to mention its frustrations and agonies) has been a large part of my life and indeed one I return to more and more. To find the joys, the pain, the fury, the hopelessness, all perfectly experienced and described, is thrilling and chastening at the same time. How often have I ‘stared at paintings [I] could not paint.’
The writer’s prose is often painterly and always masterful whether he is describing William’s canvases – ‘It was a picture of raging colour, a fable of greens and yellows and blues ...’, the weather – ‘the fraying clouds and the water spinning, like so many downstrokes of a sable brush’, or the Irish landscape, and whatever you may have heard about my not being Irish I have certainly felt ‘the freshening wildness of those western places that was not to leave me. . .’.
Williams’ love and passion for Ireland, for the west, is there on almost every page. It is clear in the characters he creates to people this landscape – Muiris the poet, Margaret the wise woman, the beauteous Isabel, the miraculous Sean, Nicholas, William, the earthbound Peader (’Muiris was appalled by him’) who never stood a chance. How real they are, how recognizably they have grown out of the ‘soft green fields’, ‘the great expansive skies, the little stonewalled fields trapping the runaround summer breeze, the endlessly felt presence of the hushed or crashing sea.’
The rhythm of the language and the choice of imagery are almost orchestral in their complexity, in their breadth and boldness, from the intimate description of William – ‘the pale green of his naked body . . . might be the colour of the wind’ – to the astonishing, breath-taking description of his death when God arrives ‘in a fiery chariot with trumpeting angels down the streets of Dublin.’
But don’t let me lead you into thinking that it’s all high romantic lyricism. There’s plenty of room for the everyday, what one might call the mundane – ‘the grey suit’, ‘the briefcase flopping by the telephone table’, ‘the fog of November evenings’, ‘thinly buttered stacks of toast’, ‘the perfect still lifes of cups on saucers, stacked plates, cutlery back in a drawer’. But somehow even the ordinary moments become illuminated as if someone had turned a spotlight on them.
The lives of the two characters who are the very reason behind the four love letters, Nicholas and Isabel, are mapped separately throughout the book until they finally come together in the single page, single chapter of Part Six (the book is divided into seven parts). We first meet Isabel in Part One – ‘Isabel was born on an island in the west’ and then we know where the story will take us, not how but certainly why. Time collapses, collides, one person’s three years becomes a slightly different three years for someone else, everything is there for a reason (’the last fragment of his painting had some part to play’) resonating not only forward into the narrative but also tingeing the sense of what we have already read. Moments bridge the two stories as they hurtle ever closer to that point where Nicholas writes ‘This is how I came to see Isabel Gore for the first time.’
‘The meaning was in the plot ...’ he had realized earlier, ‘the way and whom we met in the course of our simplest doings was so intricately and finely fitted into a grander pattern, that all we had to do was follow the sign.’
Of course, the novel is essentially about love. It deals with ‘the hopeless inadequacy of the human mind to fathom the miracle of love’,’the unknowable puzzle of love’. Love appears in many forms, between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, husbands and wives, wives and husbands, brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers. Love of the land, love of the sea, love of the home, love of God, love of gods. Failed love, dying love, feigning love, changing love, imperceptible love, secret love. All playing out under the immense canopy of a love that was meant to be, a love that not even the courageous Margaret – for who are we to say that she was wrong in trying to protect her daughter from ‘the hopelessness and grief of all romantic love’, ‘hurrying out to try and stop Fate itself – can change. It sweeps us up from the housing estates of Dublin and buffets us ‘through the galaxies of the improbable’ until we land foursquare on that island in the west.
I could go on, in fact now I’ve started what was a seemingly impossible task, I find myself saying, ‘But what about grief, what about leaving, what about growing up? You haven’t talked about miracles or poets.’ I also haven’t talked about my personal revelation that the writing changes from the first person to the third person when Nicholas arrives on the island because everything up to that point is the final letter to Isabel. You’ll be relieved to discover that I’m not going to. You’re here to read Four Letters of Love, not to listen to me. You have a rare treat in store.
JOHN HURT
Lovers pave the way with letters.
Ovid, The Art of Love
One
1
When I was twelve years old God spoke to my father for the first time. God didn’t say much. He told my father to be a painter, and left it at that, returning to a seat amongst the angels and watching through the clouds over the grey city to see what would happen next.
At the time my father was a civil servant. He was a thin man, tall and wiry, with bones poking out into his skin. His hair had turned silver when he was twenty-four and given him a look of age and severity which was later to deepen and increase to such an extent that he could not walk down a street without catching notice. He looked touched by something, an impression furthered by the dazzling blueness of his eyes and the fewness of his words. Although I had no brothers or sisters, from the first twelve years of my life I can remember little of what he ever said to me. The words have vanished and I am left mostly with pictures of my early childhood: my father in a grey suit coming in the front door from the office in the fog of November evenings, the briefcase flopping by the telephone table, the creak in the stairs and across the ceiling above the kitchen as he changes into a cardigan and comes down for his tea. The great shelf of his forehead floating up above the line of a newspaper in response to some question. The New Year’s Day swims in the frozen sea at Greystones. I hold his towel and he walks his high frailty into the water, his ribcage and shoulders like a twisted jumble of coat hangers in an empty suit bag. His toes curve up off the stones, off the ends of his arms he seems to carry invisible bags. Seagulls don’t move from him and the pale gleam of his naked body as he stands before the blue-grey sea might be the colour of the wind. My father is thin as air, when a high wave crashes across his wading thighs it might snap him like a wafer. I think the sea will wash him away, but it never does. He emerges and takes the towel. For a moment he stands without drying. I am hooded and zippered into my coat and feel the wind that is freezing him. Still, he stands and looks out into the grey bay, waiting that moment before dressing himself into the New Year, not yet knowing that God is about to speak.
He had always painted. On summer evenings after the grass was cut, he might sit at the end of the garden with a sketchpad and pencils, drawing and cleaning lines as the light died and boys kicked a ball down the street. As an eight-year-old boy with freckles and poor eyes, I would look down from my bedroom window before crawling under the blankets, and feel in that still, angular figure at the end of the garden something as pure, peaceful, and good as a night-time prayer. My mother would bring him tea. She admired his talent then, and although none of his pictures ever decorated the walls of our little house, they were frequently gifts to relations and neighbours. I had heard him praised, and noted with a boy’s pride the small WC that was his mark in the corner of the pictures, pushing my train along the carpet, driven with the secret knowledge that there was no one with a dad like mine.
At twelve, then, the world changed. My father came home in his grey suit one evening, sat to tea and listened to my mother tell how all day she had waited for the man to come to repair the leak in the back kitchen roof, how I’d come home from school with a tear in the knee of my pants, how Mrs Fitzgerald had called to say she couldn’t play bridge this Thursday. He sat in that rumpled, angular quietness of his and listened. Was there a special glimmering of light in his eyes? I have long since told myself I remember there was. It cannot have been as simple and understated as I see it now, my father swallowing a second cup of milky tea, a slice of fruit loaf, and saying, ‘Bette, I’m going to paint.’
At first, of course, she didn’t understand. She thought he meant that evening and said, ‘Grand, William,’ and that she would tidy up after the tea and let him go along now and get changed.
‘No,’ he said quietly, firmly, speaking the way he always spoke, making the words seem larger, fuller than himself, as if the amplitude of their meaning was directly related to the thinness of himself, as if he were all mind. ‘I’m finished working in the office,’ he said.
My mother had stood up and was already putting on her apron for the dishes. She was a petite woman with quick brown eyes. She stopped and looked at him and felt it register, and with electric speed then crossed the kitchen, squeezed my upper arm unintentionally hard and led me from the table to go upstairs and do my lessons. I carried the unexploded fury of her response from the kitchen into the cool darkness of the hall and felt that gathering of blood and pain that was the bruise of God coming. I climbed six steps and sat down. I fingered the tear in the knee of my trousers, pushed the two sides of frayed corduroy back together as if they could mend. Then, my head resting on fists, I sat and listened to the end of my childhood.
2
‘I’m going to paint full-time,’ I heard my father say.
There was a stunned pause, a silence after a blow. From beyond the door on my perch on the stairs I could see my mother’s face, the flickering speed of her eyes in panic, the tight bustle of her energy suddenly arrested, stunned, until: ‘You’re not serious. William, you’re not serious, say you’re not . . .’
‘I’ll sell pictures. I’ve sold the car,’ he said.
Another pause, the silence loading like a gun.
‘When? Why—? How can you just—? You’re not serious.’
‘I am, Bette.’
‘I don’t believe you. How . . . ?’
She paused. Perhaps she sat down. When she spoke again her voice was edged, swallowing the broken glass of tears. ‘Jesus, William. People don’t just come home one evening and say they’re not going back to work. You can’t, you can’t say that and mean it.’
My father said nothing. He was holding his words in that narrow, thin chest of his while lowering the great dome of his head into the palm of one hand. My mother’s voice rose.
‘Well, don’t you think I should have some say in it? What about Nicholas? You just can’t. . .’
‘I have to.’ His head had come up. The phrase thumped out on our life like a dead child and a sick silence swam around it. Then, in a voice I hardly heard, and told myself later I hadn’t, had imagined it in the half dark of my bedtime when my prayers were said and the streetlamps edged the curtains with golden light: ‘I have to do it. It’s what God wants me to do.’
3
The following days I came home from school to find the house in a state of transition. God had moved in overnight. The garage was full of the living-room furniture, the venetian blinds had been taken down to let in more light, carpets were taken up, and a great board table was set up on concrete blocks in the corner where the television had been. Our telephone was disconnected and sat forlornly on the floor for a month inside the front hallway. My mother had taken to bed. I was given no explanation for this by my father and took the burned rashers and fried egg he cooked for my mother up the stairs to the bedside like some coded message crossing the drawbridge into the place of siege. A furniture lorry came and emptied the garage. Neighbours’ children stood around the gateway and watched the old life of the house being taken away. ‘You’ve no telly,’ a boy jeered at me. ‘Coughlans have no telly!’ ‘We don’t want one,’ I shouted back, and went to stand between the makeshift goalposts of two jumpers thrown on the grass, holding up my hands and squinting at goals that went flashing past.
Then it was early summer. My mother got out of bed, my father went away on the first of all those trips in springtime and summer, disappearing into the yet blank canvas of the season, and leaving my mother and me in the colourful but faintly rotting mess that was our house four weeks after God arrived.
‘Your father, the painter, has left us,’ my mother would say to me, and then, with heavy irony, ‘Only God knows when he’ll be back.’ Or, ‘Your father, the painter, doesn’t believe in bills,’ when I came from the dentist’s mumbling and holding out a small brown envelope.
In a week we tidied the house. There was a small room off the hall that had kept its carpet and chairs, and it was to there my mother would retire in the evenings, sitting alone after I had gone to bed, watching the lights in the neighbours’ houses and wondering what would become of the bills when the furniture money ran out. Across the hall was now my father’s room. I had not, in that first month, stepped inside it. From moments when he opened the door, I had glimpsed rolls of canvas, timber stretchers, a little mountain of half-squeezed tubes of dark oil paint, others curved like dying slugs on the bare floor below the table. Now, as I lay in bed with the summer night never darkening, it was to that room my imagination took me, and in the first two months of my father, the painter’s, absence I could imagine him in there, working away all the time, having never left us for a moment.
When the summer holidays came my school report signalled the collapse of my education. I had failed everything but English, and in English was told I suffered from too much imagination. ‘An Elephant in Our House’ had been the title of my essay.
As I was sitting across the kitchen table with my mother one Saturday morning, she told me in an urgent whisper that I was the little man of the house now. I had to work hard in school and get a good job and make money. I was twelve years and seven months old, and watched her pretty round face contort with the huge grief and anxiety God had put there. All her loveliness, the jolly nut-eyed smile and quick laugh that had ringed my childhood were vanished that summer. She was suddenly a tired engine of a woman. Her hands held each other tightly, if one of them got free it flew up to her face, rubbed the side of her cheek, ran down and held at the thin line of her lips. Our neighbours did not call or come in. And for a time our house seemed an island in the street, the place from which William Coughlan had gone off to paint. When I was sent down the road to the shop, always deliberately getting there in those last empty moments before it closed, wheezing bosomy Mrs Heffernan turned and looked at me over her half-moon glasses and added a free bag of jellied sweets to the single tin of beans or soup my mother had asked for. ‘There you are, love,’ she’d say across the swirls of her perfume, ‘eat them all up yourself.’
Within a month or so, at the turn in the road before the shop I had learned to toss my hair, pull out my shirt tail, rub a little dirt on the side of my neck and around my mouth. This never failed to bring Mrs Heffernan from behind her counter, tut-tutting and breathing loudly, lifting the corner of her apron to her mouth and cleaning me up before giving me a bag of assorted apples and oranges to improve my health.
That first summer we were not sure if my father would return at all. My mother, of course, told me he would, and how happy we’d all be again, and how he’d be delighted to know I was reading schoolbooks all summer and becoming so clever. The more she told me that the more I read, leaving aside the goalkeeper’s gloves on the dresser beside the window and devouring books in a vain search for any boy who had a painter for a father.
The days were golden. It was a famous summer in Ireland. Our lawn mower had been sold and a daisied, wildflower meadow sprung up in our front garden. The grass grew three feet tall, and sometimes in the evenings I went out and lay down hidden inside it, feeling the soft waving motion of its sea around me and above me and watching the blue of the sky deepen to let out the stars. I kept my eyes open and thought of my father, out there, painting the hood of night over me.
4
By the middle of August we had had two postcards. One from Leenane, County Mayo, one from Glencolumbkille in Donegal. Both of them told us he was doing well, working hard at painting. Both of them said he would be home soon. They were put on the windowsill next to the table in the kitchen, and in the mornings before I went back to school I read and reread them, sitting with a mug of milk-rationed tea and, a little anxiously, fingering the grey patch on the knee of my trousers.
Then, on the first wet school morning of September, I came downstairs and heard banging and knocking sounds in my father’s room across the hall. He had come back during the night, a thin figure with a hat and a small bag sloping up the path to knock on his own front door. My mother must have thought him a beggar or a thief. She heard him knocking and didn’t move from her bed, half-imagining she dreamt the long-awaited sounds that had woken her sleep. When he let himself in around the back and she heard him move through the kitchen and across the bare floor of the hall, she knew it was him. He left his bag at the bottom of the stairs and came up to the bedroom. He looked in on me, I imagine, imagining too his long-fingered cool hand reaching across the bedroom dark to smooth my hair. Then, backing out, from the dark of the room to the dark of the landing to open the bedroom door. A figure in a drenched raincoat and dripping hat, he stood in the boots that had brought him from the west and looked at my mother. He was expecting insults, curses, any kind of coldness. She propped herself on one elbow to look at him and was a moony whiteness in her nightdress on the sheets. There was a moment she waited to be certain she wasn’t dreaming, then, ‘Thank God,’ she said, and held out her arms to him coming.
I didn’t know all this yet, of course. That damp morning I heard the noises in his room and thought in a flash of panic we were selling his things. I opened the door to look in and found him banging away, making a large frame with stretchers. He didn’t see or hear me. I opened my mouth to call out his name but found the sound gone. Instead, gaping in the doorway, I watched him, now he seemed to be bent over, lost in the concentration of making, hammering at the wood like some still, frozen figure in a painting, heedless of all the world clamouring past. I stepped away and closed the door. I went into the kitchen and made my breakfast in silence with swirls of terror and joy inside me. When I opened my mouth to eat I felt them rush upwards and gag me, my face bulged. A stream of unvoiced words gushed around. Had he come back, then? Was life to resume order and peace once more, or was he frantically banging the stretchers apart and not together? Was his painting all over? Had God spoken again?
My eyes read the postcards on the windowsill as they had done for weeks now, and then I felt his hand alight upon my shoulder.
‘Dad,’ I said and, turning, felt burst in tears the watery balloon of emotion. Onto the damp turpentine smell of his thin chest I clung and cried, until at last he patted my back and held me out from him. He looked me up and down, and dabbing the tears with the fraying sleeve of my grey jumper, I hoped he could see the summer of study glowing off me. I hoped he could see how I had become the little man of the house, how I had fooled Mrs Heffernan into pounds of fruit and sweets, and how I knew all along that he would come back to us.
Holding me back from him, he let