Into the Free
4.5/5
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About this ebook
Saturated in Southern ambiance and written in the vein of other literary bestsellers like Kathryn Stockett’s The Help and Tom Franklin’s Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter, Julie Cantrell’s New York Times bestselling Into the Free that will sweep you away long after the novel ends.
In Depression-era Mississippi, Millie Reynolds longs to escape the madness that marks her world. With an abusive father and a “nothing mama,” she struggles to find a place where she really belongs.
For answers, Millie turns to the Gypsies who caravan through town each spring. The travelers lead Millie to a key that unlocks generations of shocking family secrets. When tragedy strikes, the mysterious contents of the box give Millie the tools she needs to break her family’s longstanding cycle of madness and abuse. Through it all, Millie experiences the thrill of first love while fighting to trust the God she believes has abandoned her. With the power of forgiveness, can she finally make her way into the free?
Millie is just a girl. But she’s the only one strong enough to break the family cycle.
“Gritty, compelling, and beautifully told, Into the Free will take you into a coming-of-age story filled with heartrending hardship and luminous hope. Julie Cantrell is a writer to watch!” —Lisa Wingate, New York Times bestselling author of Before We Were Yours
“Readers will fall in love with Millie Reynolds, girl with one eye on the heavens and the other on the savages that occupy our world . . . a searing tale of heartache, faith, forgiveness, and doubt set amid gypsies, angels, addicts, asylums, roughnecks, and rodeo hands.” —Neil White, author of In the Sanctuary of Outcasts
“A lyrical, moving, haunting, wise, brutal, warmhearted, and ultimately freeing and inspiring coming-of-age tale told with poetic honesty. . . . Into the Free swept me up and swept me along.” —Jennifer Niven, bestselling author of The Ice Master
- New York Times bestseller
- Can be read as a stand-alone novel, although the story continues in When Mountains Move
- Book length: approximately 90,000 words
- Includes a reader’s guide, author interview, and discussion questions for book clubs
Julie Cantrell
Julie Cantrell is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author, editor, and TEDx speaker. Her work has received numerous awards and special recognition across both faith-based and general audiences.
Read more from Julie Cantrell
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Reviews for Into the Free
11 ratings8 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I listened to this book while on a trip, and it's a great one for that purpose. Millie's mother is regularly beaten by her father, Jack in early 1940's rural Alabama. Millie observes these beatings from afar during her childhood as she grows up but never attempts to intervene. Eventually her mother succumbs to the affects of a beating, and Millie has an accident of her own that lands her in the hospital. She goes to live in the home of one of the nurses who cared for her. Millie's father was a rider in the rodeo, and although Millie had never ridden, she discovers that she inherited riding talent from Jack. Meanwhile, she is also fascinated with a band of Gypsies who come through her Alabama town each year and thinks she loves a boy from their group named River. There's also a man from the rodeo named Bump, who falls in love with Millie. It's an enjoyable coming-of-age story for readers of all ages.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Millie is growing up in Depression-era Mississippi, living in a slave shack with her mother. She has a father, but it seems he only comes around to beat up her mom, who sleeps away her depression with the help of morphine. Thankfully, Sloth is there, feeding Millie, and teaching her the secrets of the outdoor world, and being her friend. Then she meets River, one of the Gypsies that pass through Millie's town every spring. Suddenly, running away with the Gypsies seems like the perfect answer to all her problems.This was a wonderful book with characters who leap right off the page and descriptions so beautifully written than it feels like you are right there in Mississippi with Millie. The troubles that life hands her are almost unbearable, but somehow she keeps coming back, stronger than before. My one disappointment with Into the Free is that in just the last few pages the author hits us over the head with the fact that this is "Christian Fiction". The book would have been much tighter without this unnecessary belaboring of Millie's change of heart and spirit--it was apparent without being spelled out. My advice? Stop reading at page 339!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Into the Free is a wonderful book to read.Millie Reynolds grows up in the Depression era in her home of Mississippi. Her family life is abusive and trouble is her constant companion. She is entranced by a boy who travels around with a band of gypsies(no racial intended)but there is also a cowboy who vies for her attention.Who will she trust? Who can she trust?This book has strong characters, a real page turner,leaving you wanting to know more. Great for book discussions with questions in the back. Thank you to the creative works of Julie Cantrell.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is one of those novels you could write a book about just to get across how wonderful it is. It's a book every book club should be dying to read and discuss! The story of a little girl who learns to view her world from the safety of a high tree, to dream of escaping the fears she has and the poverty she experiences both emotional and physical, will grip your heart from the first seconds you touch this book. But what also hooked me was the elequence and heart-stopping prose of Julie Cantrell. She is a storyteller personified."Into the Free" is so beautifully written and so rich in symbolism that it will not let you pull away. Even when you put the book down to go about daily business, the memory of what you've read and look forward to reading will haunt you. This is an extraordinary book with a human story that digs at the essence of what it means to be alive in spirit, and to love with your whole heart.We primarily see the world through the eyes of Millie, a pre-teen then late teen, as she comes of age learning to understand the realities of the world and the adults within it; as well as her place within that world. Millie is a wise child, but one who is alone in the world. She embodies the spirit of any child who is held captive in a home surrounded by poverty and abuse. She's powerless to hinder her father's abuse of her dependent and addictive mother, and that mother's complacency, but her spirit finds a way to be free by way of her interactions with other people and her world view. Millie is a so fully developed and so sound in psychology that it's difficult to remember that she's a "make believe" character and not a living person whose biography one is reading. She's a jewel of a character whom I'll never forget."Into the Free" causes us to ask questions about what freedom actually is. Can we choose freedom in our situations, over enslavement? There are many choices this book looks at through Millie's eyes and which may cause the reader to assess her own world and spiritual views. I was particularly struck by Ms Cantrell's use of the gypsies as a way of showing what security and false security might be for Millie. The lure of the beautiful and strange may not always be best, and Millie has to decide if it's the right course to her own freedom.Julie Cantrell is an author of blinding beauty and wisdom. Her spiritual insights and easy way of leading the reader into a deeper knowledge of them is graceful and blend well within her story. As Millie learns the difference between harsh, rote and human "religion," and finding godly love and caring, so does the reader. Millie comes to understand what "good" people really are versus what society claims and where "class" sets them. Her Choctaw blood and rodeo background make her an outcast in the town's society, but that doesn't mean she's "bad."Ms Cantrell's book is a treasure of symbolism that I wish I had a group of friends to unravel with me! As I said, this is one for the book groups. A gorgeous book, and one I highly recommend to everyone. You have to get this book and/or put it on your must read list. It's a book you won't forget.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5"Into the Free" takes place during the great depression in Mississippi. Millie lives with an abusive father and a depressed mother, who has trouble functioning day-to-day. Each spring the Gypsies come into town and Millie finds herself following and then befriending them. At the age of 16, Millie decides that she wants to know more about her family and goes to the rodeo to watch her father compete. Thrown off, her father is gored in the chest and is immediately taken to the hospital where he dies. Her mother dies a few days later from a morphine overdose and Millie is left alone.This book was incredibly touching. It is a coming-of-age novel that shows the strength and determination of a young girl who has been dealt a bad hand in life. Despite her abusive upbringing and the mental illness throughout her family, Millie is able to grow and live. I thought the characters were very well developed and sympathetic. The plot line moved slowly at times, but overall was well paced. This book reminded me a bit of "The Glass House" and other memoirs set in the era. Overall, I enjoyed this book and highly recommend it.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Highly Rewarding ReadInto the Free: A Novel leaps into the life of Millicent Reynolds, a young Mississippi girl at the end of the Depression. Milli’s father, Jack, is a violent, alcoholic, rodeo man whose wife has turned to morphine to survive the abuse. Milli and her mother live in old slave quarters on a plantation, surviving on Jack’s winnings and the money they earn from doing laundry for the wealthy in town, Milli and her mother eek out an existence. Milli befriends a group of gypsies, intending to leave with them, but stops when her father almost beats her mother to death.The perverse air of melancholia that permeates Milli’s life makes the this novel difficult to begin, but hooks the reader with Milli’s desire to pull herself out of the abusive circle. As Milli turns to people for help, Milli learns to see through facades to discover true meaning of Christianity and love, where money and appearance are not important. Intense book, not for the faint hearted, but a highly rewarding read. Received Galley from NetGalley.com
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A long black train scrapes across Mr. Sutton's fields. His horses don't bother lifting their heads. They aren't afraid of the metal wheels, the smoking engine. The trains come every day, in straight lines like the hems Mama stitches across rich people's pants. Ironing and sewing, washing and mending. That's what Mama does for cash. As for me, I sit in Mr. Sutton's trees, live in one of Mr. Sutton's cabins, sell Mr. Sutton's pecans, and dream about riding Mr. Sutton's horses, all in the shadow of Mr. Sutton's big house.I can only guess where the boxcars are going and where they've been. I pretend they carry "limber lions, testy tigers, and miniature horse wearing tall turquoise hats."Where do you think it's going?" I ask Sloth."Into the free," he says.I watch the train until it disappears completely. I don't know what Sloth thinks free looks like, but I imagine it's a place where nine-year-old girls like me aren't afraid of their fathers. Where mothers don't get the blues. Where Mr. Sutton doesn't own the whole wide world.I climb higher in the sweet gum and hope the engineer will turn the train around and come back to get me. Take me away, to the place Sloth calls the free.In the novel Into the Free by Julie Cantrell, the reader is taken into the depression era-Mississippi in 1936 where Millie Reynolds longs to escape the madness that marks her world. With an abusive father and a 'nothing mama,' she struggles to find a place where she really belongs.For answers, Millie turns to the gypsies who caravan through the town each spring. The travelers lead Millie to a key that unlocks generations of family secrets. When tragedy strikes, the mysterious contents of the box give Millie the tools she needs to break her family's long-standing cycle of madness and abuse.I received Into the Free compliments of Christian Fiction Blog Alliance for my honest review. I think Julie Cantrell does an exceptional job at keeping the reader engaged in difficult story of child abuse and shows how Millie has to learn to trust God again when she thinks He has abandoned her. I think this relates to many readers who mistake God's silence as abandonment instead of simply trusting God's timing in all things will bring about a greater good in the end, and how much forgiveness is needed more for the victim than for those that inflict the pain. It is a freedom that needs to be released so the healing can happen, otherwise bitterness and resentment only grow in our hearts. This one rates a 5 out of 5 stars.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Into the Free was an intense story, but I loved it and was pulled into the story and the characters' lives. The portrayal of their hardship was very realistic in that many abused children feel exactly the same way that Millie did. I appreciated that because so often people don't understand that abused children get a bit freaked out by loving families. Having worked with foster children for almost two decades, I saw this scenario often. Those same children are also very loyal to their own families, twisted as they might be. They are always waiting for the other ball to drop and to be hurt again. Too often that is exactly what happens. And they are drawn to the dark, dangerous types of boys. Many of those men start out amazing but once a girl is in a relationship with them, they are trapped. I felt really bad for the gypsy boy, River, because I do believe he sincerely loved Millie, but one never knows where that intense emotional stuff will lead, good or bad. In fact, her life often reflected the savagery of the dog that ate her own pups. I loved that metaphor and many of the other metaphors used in the story.At any rate, I adored this author's voice, and the way she wasn't afraid to show the ugliness of life in all of it's authenticity, including how people perceive things who have been wounded. Faith isn't about dressing up on Sunday and sitting nicely in a pew. Not all Christians are white, though southern preachers in those days very well may have tried to present it that way. I agreed with Millie when it came to the hypocrisy she saw. I don't think God cares about that. What He wants is our hearts and He will use everything and anything to bring us to Him. This story showed that well. It also showed strength and determination from a girl only used to seeing passivity, weakness, and neglect. Unfortunately, many women think they must stay and bear the brunt of the man's abuse. The strongest thing Millie's mom ever did was not to take him back after that last time where he nearly killed her. I understood the rage Millie felt toward her mom's depression. So well done!The Sloth character was great, but I also found it a bit disconcerting how she "saw" him even after she died. Then again, I can see a wounded child like Millie looking for comfort and security anywhere, even if she imagines it and believes it is real. When Sloth passed, she lost her best friend and the one person who seemed to care about her. The story was sad, but empowering at the same time. I like deep reads like this because they make me think about life, faith, and real love. I find survivor stories empowering. I didn't feel like anything was over-the-top. In real life, God doesn't always intervene. Most of the time, He doesn't. But He holds us when we hurt and carries us through. This story shows how anyone can survive and change the direction of their life. Even the most wounded people can still find God. There were many nuggets of truth in this novel that were an integral part of Millie's coming of age and her faith journey. I can see this book as a classic and I think it would make a great movie! Anyway, it's making my favorites list. It's fantastic!
Book preview
Into the Free - Julie Cantrell
CHAPTER 1
March 1936
A long black train scrapes across Mr. Sutton’s fields. His horses don’t bother lifting their heads. They aren’t afraid of the metal wheels, the smoking engine. The trains come every day, in straight lines like the hems Mama stitches across rich people’s pants. Ironing and sewing, washing and mending. That’s what Mama does for cash. As for me, I sit in Mr. Sutton’s trees, live in one of Mr. Sutton’s cabins, sell Mr. Sutton’s pecans, and dream about riding Mr. Sutton’s horses, all in the shadow of Mr. Sutton’s big house.
He owns the whole planet. Every inch and acre. From sea to shining sea!
I lean over the branch of my favorite sweet gum tree and yell my thoughts down to Sloth, my neighbor. His cabin is next to ours in the row of servants’ quarters on Mr. Sutton’s place. Three small shotgun shacks with rickety porches and leaky roofs. Ours is Cabin Two, held tight by the others that squat like bookends on either side. All three are packed so close together I could spit and hit any of them.
Sloth kneels in the shade around the back corner of Cabin One. He is digging night crawlers for an afternoon trip to the river. With wrinkled hands, he drops a few thick worms into a dented can of dirt and says, He don’t own the trains.
I can only guess where the boxcars are going and where they’ve been. I pretend they carry limber lions, testy tigers, and miniature horses wearing tall turquoise hats.
It says that in Fables and Fairy Tales, the tattered book Mama used to read to me until I learned to read by myself.
I count cars as the train roars past. Fifteen … nineteen.
Where you think it’s going?
I ask Sloth.
Into the free,
he says, dropping another long, slick worm into the can and standing to dust dirt from his pants. He limps back to his porch, slow as honey. About six years back, he shot clear through his own shoe while cleaning his hunting rifle. Left him with only two toes on his right foot. He’s walked all hunched over and crooked ever since. He started calling himself an old sloth, on account of having just two toes. The name stuck, and even though Mama still calls him Mr. Michaels, I can’t remember ever calling him anything but Sloth.
I keep counting to twenty-seven cars and watch the train until its tail becomes a tiny black flea on the shoulder of one of Mr. Sutton’s pecan trees. Seventeen of those trees stand like soldiers between the cabins and the big house, guarding the line between my world and his. It’s a good thing Mr. Sutton doesn’t care much for pecans. He lets me keep the money from any that I sell.
I watch the train until it disappears completely. I don’t know what Sloth thinks free looks like, but I imagine it’s a place where nine-year-old girls like me aren’t afraid of their fathers. Where mothers don’t get the blues. Where Mr. Sutton doesn’t own the whole wide world.
I can’t help but wonder if free is where Jack goes when he packs his bags and heads out with the Cauy Tucker Rodeo crew.
Jack is my father, only I can’t bring myself to call him that.
Sloth wobbles up three slanted steps to his porch. Mama sings sad songs from our kitchen. Mr. Sutton’s horses eat grass without a care, as if they know they aren’t mine to saddle. I climb higher in the sweet gum and hope the engineer will turn that train around and come back to get me. Take me away, to the place Sloth calls the free.
16765.jpgCan’t believe you snapped my line,
Sloth teases, reminding me about our fishing trip last week when I hooked the biggest catfish I’ve ever seen. He stretches string around a hook to repair the cane pole. Shaking his head, he says, I woulda never let that cat get away.
I climb higher in my tree and watch him get ready for today’s trip to the river. It’s just after lunch and, if I squint, I can see all sorts of fancy hats scattering into shops around the square. I figure most of those people have never seen a catfish snap their line or pulled wiggling worms from a shady spot of soil. Aren’t you glad it’s Saturday?
Sloth nods. He knows I’m happy not to have school today. Between helping Mama with her clients’ laundry and helping Sloth with his chores, it’s all I can do to squeeze school into my weeks.
I turn back toward town, where families leave the diners. They look like ants, moving back to their nests right on schedule. All that time wasted sitting inside,
I tell Sloth. They probably can’t even hear the trees.
Sloth laughs. But it’s a gentle laugh. One that means he’s on my side.
In our town, the trees sing. I’m not the first to hear them. The Choctaw named this area Iti Taloa, which means the song trees.
Then some rich Virginian bought up all the land. He built railroads and brought in a carousel all the way from Europe. I guess he figured if colorful mermaids could spin round and round to music, right in the middle of the park, no one would care when he forced most of the Choctaw out and planted a big white sign on each end of town: Welcome to Millerville. The new name never took. Most people still call it Iti Taloa, and the postmaster will accept mail both ways. Regardless of what folks write on their envelopes, I just call it home.
More than once I’ve heard Jack say to Mama, I don’t guess your people mind livin’ on stolen land.
There’s always a bitter sting in his voice when he spits out your people. I figure it’s because his mother was Choctaw.
Your people too,
Mama argued once. Your father was Irish, wasn’t he?
I’m pretty sure that was the last time she dared to disagree with Jack.
Another thing Jack says about Iti Taloa is We may not have gold or diamonds, but we do have good dirt.
Because of that dirt, three railroads cross through town to load cotton and corn, so even when the rest of the country has sunk into the Great Depression, jobs here still pay people enough to splurge at Millerville General, Boel’s Department Store, or even the rodeo, which is based smack-dab in the center of town.
If you could look down from the heavens to steal a glance of Iti Taloa, you would need to look just above the Jackson Prairie, nearly to the Alabama border. Here, you’ll find tree-covered slopes that rise six hundred feet with deep river valleys carved in between. Here, where farmland spreads like an apron around the curves of the waterways, you’ll find pines, oaks, magnolias, and cedars. And here, in the limbs of those trees, is where you’ll likely find me, a child of this warm, wild space.
When I’m not stuck in school or helping Mama and Sloth, I roam barefoot, climbing red river bluffs and drinking straight from the cool-water springs. Each day, I scramble through old-growth hardwoods and fertile fields, pretending I am scouting for a lost tribe or exploring ancient ruins. Other kids in town play with dolls and practice piano. I don’t care much for that. My friends are the trees, and my favorite is this sweet gum. Mostly because she’s planted right in front of our porch, so close I can see Mama’s wedding ring slip loose around her bony finger while she drops carrots into a black iron pot. When I was too small to climb, I named my tree Sweetie. Now, every day, I climb Sweetie’s limbs and listen for her songs.
Right now my tree is not singing. But Mama is. I watch her tie her blonde hair back from her long, thin face. I try to hear the lyrics, but all I hear is the thunder that howls across Mr. Sutton’s horse pasture. I pretend it is the sound of a stomach rumbling. That a dragon needs lunch. Mama watches me from the open kitchen window as she slices more carrots for a pot roast. She stops singing and smiles at me. Jack’s favorite,
she says, and I don’t think I like pot roast so much anymore.
I lean back against Sweetie’s trunk and watch the storm easing our way. Mama takes one look at the stack of black clouds and starts talking like the lines in the books she reads. In Mississippi,
she says, madness sweeps the floors clean before rolling out with the thunder.
I don’t say anything. I may just be a kid, but I know what Mama’s thinking because I feel it too. The storms circle around me and threaten to pull me up by my roots. Maybe that’s why I cling to the trees.
Mama sighs, turns up the radio, and sings Yonder Come the Blues.
Her tone drops low and sad, and there’s no more guessing. It won’t be long before she’s sinking back into a darker place. A place I call the valley.
The valley is where Mama goes without me. Without anyone. It’s a place so dark and low that nothing can snap her back out. I sit. And wait. And pray that Mama comes back from the valley soon and that she’ll love me again when she does.
Go back blues, don’t come this way.
In slow motion, she drops in carrots while she sings. I hope I’ll never end up like Mama. And that no one like Jack will ever tell me what to do.
Sweetie hears my thoughts and holds me tight. She’s putting on her new spring leaves, a sure sign that something big is about to happen.
She’s a good tree.
I climb higher and try to sneak a peek at three speckled eggs in a nest. A mockingbird squawks and nosedives me, so I flip myself upside down and hang from my knees, careful to tuck my dress between my legs.
I stretch my arms out long to pretend I am a spider spinning a web. The clouds are getting heavy, so Sloth shuffles inside where he’ll wait out the storm before fishing. There, he sits in his splintered cane rocking chair, his pet rooster in his lap, and stares out his open window. When it rains,
he says, loud enough so I can hear him, God be wantin’ us to sit still and take notice.
I climb down from Sweetie’s limbs to join him. But before I even make it past Mama’s kitchen window, I am met with a growl. Only this time, it’s not thunder.
I holler, Mama, there’s a big ol’ dog out here!
Mama doesn’t answer. She just keeps on singing, slow and low. Tuning out everything but the gloomy notes.
I turn to tell Sloth, but he’s already slouched back into his chair. His eyes are closed, and I decide not to disturb him. Instead, I slide under our sloping porch for a closer look at the growling beast. It takes a while for my eyes to adjust. The colors go black to gray, and then everything comes into focus. Finally, I see what spring has brought me. A stray mutt dog curled up under our cabin. Half-starved and mangy, her swollen belly is full of nothing but fear. And puppies.
By the time I find her, she has what Mama calls the pearly glaze of pity
in her eyes, like cold round marbles that the Devil just rolled. Her growl, not much more than a rumble, is probably just a way to ask for help, but it’s still enough to make me think twice about petting her. As I tuck myself up under the porch, the clouds finally give way, dropping rain like bullets. I figure to stay put until the storm passes. Besides, from the looks of her sagging belly, I’m betting the dog hasn’t climbed under here just to stay dry.
I keep my distance from her while the rain pours down around us, seeping into all the low spots beneath the house, slipping around my muddy toes. Winter has spent the last three weeks packing its bags, but with the rain, even the new spring air makes me cold.
I sit cross-legged in the mud and bet this dog will have a baby before I count to one hundred. One-Mississippi,
I whisper. Two-Mississippi.
Sure enough, the first pup is born at ninety-two. I don’t dare move a muscle.
She has nine pups in all, and I can hardly keep track. I count three black, four brown, and two with mixed splotches of both. I plan to keep them all, so I give them names like Jingles and Mimi. But every time I try to get close enough to touch one, the mother shows her yellow teeth and growls.
I’ve waited for almost an hour, but she still doesn’t remove the sacs, clean them, or nurse them. Instead she smothers two with her own weight, just falls right down on top of them. Won’t budge. I can’t stand to watch it anymore, so I crawl closer, hoping to save the others.
But just as before, the rumbling starts. The teeth flash. The mama jerks her head back and forth, glares at me, and then at her pups. Mud and blood and the juices of birth are flung through the air and cling to my cheek. I crawl out from under the front of the porch and try to come under again from the back of the house. Rain stings me until I sneak in between sagging pilings and sticky cobwebs and walls of wasps gearing up for summer. I keep my belly pressed against the blood-red mud. I slither, snakelike, in slow motion, trying not to startle the mama dog more than I already have. She is shaking, and she has scattered her pups like raw grains of rice across a kitchen floor.
A soft, brown lump of a puppy is spread across the ground only inches from me. It smells like the rusty old plow in Mr. Sutton’s horse pasture, and I have to snap myself out of thinking about how everything goes to ruin.
I can reach the brown puppy now. I feel the smooth, silky sac that covers her fur like a thin layer of raw egg whites, slick and waxy and milky. It’d be beautiful, if it wasn’t smothering her. I pick her up, and she wiggles in my hand, scaring me so much I almost let her drop. The mama is on me before I can scoot my way back out to the open air.
Her teeth are inches from my cheek, coated in a thick yellow paste that smells like all the dead things I find in the woods. She wrinkles her snout and growls from her gut, perking her ears and straightening her tail. I know better than to move. I stay real quiet and keep my eyes on the puppy until the mama dog drops back to the ground and rolls out one long warning. I rub the sticky sac off the puppy and shove her toward the mama, hoping the dog will understand how to take it from here, but she just keeps growling. I get the message.
I slide back out to the yard and squint my eyes. By now, the heavy gray clouds have moved into the far-off edges of the sky. The sun is shining white yellow again. I grab a long stick, thinking maybe if I chase the mama out from under the house, I can scrub the silver sacs from the babies and clean them in the washtub out back. I swing the stick at the dog, Get! Get on out of here!
She lifts one of the pups in her jaws and carries it out into the yard. A little lump of life. The pup swings back and forth from the mama’s teeth until it finally breaks one small leg through the sac. The mother digs a rough split in our yard and lets the tiny body drop into the fresh grave. The puppy lands with a hollow thud, like Jack’s booted steps on the wooden front porch.
Then, digging her claws into the mud, the mother buries her baby alive. I scream. She growls. No rumble this time, but the fear-filled snarl of a mother. She buries baby after baby after baby, and as she digs, I dig too, uncovering each of the pups. One by one.
I waste no time at all. I tear through the slimy sacs, hoping there’s still a way to save the puppies. When the stray realizes what I’ve done, she falls down. She won’t look at me as I bring four babies back to her. The five dead ones I rebury, deeper, behind the house, where I hope no coyotes will dig them up for supper.
When I finally finish, I climb back high up in my tree and hope the mother will let her four babies live. I name them Rose, Twinkle, JuJuBee, and Belle. Dark-brown balls of matted hair.
Mama still sings from the kitchen, stirring the gravy, but she has shifted from blues to church hymns. All to Jesus, I Surrender.
I can’t help but wonder if I looked like these pups when I was born and if Mama ever thought of burying me.
CHAPTER 2
The mockingbird swoops and swirls over her eggs, and from Sweetie’s limbs I watch as Sloth finally comes out of his cabin. He grabs his collection of worms from the porch, shaking water from the rim of the can. I climb down from my favorite branch and take two hops through wet weeds to reach Sloth’s side. The clouds have gone and the afternoon sun stretches my shadow, long and lean. I pretend I am walking on stilts. A circus performer.
Ready?
Sloth asks, grabbing two cane poles. I look back at Mama in the window. She has no idea I’ve just watched puppies being born, or that I’ve buried half the litter behind the house. She doesn’t notice that the rain has stopped or that the sun is shining or that a train has just left us all here while it slipped away into the free. She’s falling away again. To the valley. And as much as I want to go fishing, something tells me I should be watching Mama instead.
I have to keep an eye on the puppies,
I lie.
Sloth nods and walks off toward the river.
I climb back into Sweetie’s arms and try to pretend it all away. I become a falcon, soaring and searching for treats from high above the wide, watery fields. What you gonna do now?
I tease the mockingbird, my sharp claws pointing her way. You think your little squawk scares me?
I fuss, half believing I am in charge of this place. Not Mr. Sutton. Not Jack. Maybe not even God, even though Mama keeps telling me that everything is in His hands.
I have almost reached the mockingbird’s nest when the rattle of Jack’s truck snaps across the yard and clips my ears. He’s coming home from another rodeo competition, hopefully with some prize money from riding the bulls. I pass the sign nearly every day. Cauy Tucker Rodeo. Right there in the middle of town. It’s on my left side when I walk to school. On my right when I walk back home. I always hold my head down, carry my lunch pail, and try not to follow the cowboys as they wrangle cows and herd sheep. They ride past me on horseback, shuffling calves and goats from the railroad stock cars to the rodeo barn, and it’s all I can do not to climb up into one of those saddles and take the reins. I’d pull that horse right through the park, letting her stop for fresh green grass before showing those carousel ponies what a real gallop looks like. Then we’d race to the theater, where I’d reach up to touch the shiny chandelier. From there, we’d ride down to the lawyer’s office window to get a better view of the bullet hole, proof that Annie Oakley really did fire her gun from the street, like everyone says. But horses and bulls, saddles and shotguns, that’s Jack’s world. This is mine.
Now Jack’s home, and he barely makes it past the porch before his voice hits me, so loud and angry the shutters shake on their hinges.
What’s the matter with you? Get out of here!
Jack storms back out of the house after one of Mr. Sutton’s farmhands. The field worker must have slipped in while I was burying the pups. He’s probably here to bring Mama another bag of medicine, and Jack is not happy about it. Every time I turn my back …
Jack kicks the wall. I better never see you here again, you no-good rummy.
The farmhand runs mouse-like into the yard and skitters back to Mr. Sutton’s barn, looking back to make sure Jack doesn’t follow. Jack stands on the porch and watches him disappear. The he rushes back into the kitchen yelling at Mama. He picks up the pot of roast beef and yells louder. You think cooking a roast is gonna fix this? Make me not notice?
Mama’s knees shake, and she doesn’t look so different from the dog, who has crawled back under the porch in fear.
Even the mockingbird feels Jack’s anger, sitting in her nest within arms’ reach of me, trying to save her eggs. I squeeze my hands around Sweetie’s thick trunk. They are just tiny, dirty Mississippi hands. And they are shaking.
Jack rants and paces back and forth. I climb down to get a better view, slipping quietly to the side of the house. Peeking in through the kitchen window.
His booted steps pound the floor like war drums. Finally, he stops his prowling and plants both boots. Then he forces Mama up against the bare kitchen wall and shoves a fistful of roast into her mouth.
She struggles. Coughs. Gags. He shoves down more. And more, squeezing her slender neck with his giant hand. Jack’s knuckles turn pink and then white and his whole arm shakes as he forces meat into Mama’s mouth.
A few dogs bark in the distance. A train whistle announces afternoon deliveries. The wind picks up. Heat lightning flashes across the sky and the smell of electricity coats the thick, hot air. Like God Himself has struck a match. Then Jack’s fist slams into Mama’s cheek, and I swear I hear the sound of bone scratching bone. I wish for the life of me that I had gone fishing with Sloth.
After the second blow, Mama breaks loose. She runs through the front door and I jump down, crouching under the porch out of view. Jack chases close behind. So close the screen doesn’t have time to bang closed between them. A fresh green four-leaf clover dangles over the rim of his cowboy hat. Mama screams, Jack, please. Think of Millie.
Then she tries something else, something he might actually care about. You could lose your job.
No one hears her. No one but me and the dogs and the mockingbird. I know from all the times this has happened before. Jack won’t stop no matter what Mama says. If anyone at the big house hears Mama’s cries, they don’t come to check. They never do. Jack knows he won’t lose his job as a bull rider. Mama would never tell Mr. Tucker or anyone else what Jack is really like. She wants the beatings kept a secret. She keeps lots of secrets.
Once, after Jack had left Mama with a bloody nose and a busted lip, I set out to find Mr. Sutton. Mama pulled me into her lap, a thick patch of purple rising up across her cheek, and told me never to tell. It’s one thing to stand in line for free bread or to ask for help paying the rent,
she explained. But there is nothing worse than the shame of being unloved.
Now, Jack tackles Mama in the grass and throws himself on top of her. His dirty boots grate against her bare calves as she wrestles for freedom. Just as useless as your daddy said you’d be.
Jack punches. Only thing he was ever right about.
Mama keeps struggling, but Jack has her pinned, like a calf at one of his rodeos. Then he spins around in a quick jolt, jerks his knife from the pocket of his jeans, and flicks it open. As if he’s rehearsed it in his sleep. He forces the slick silver blade right up under Mama’s chin, hard against her throat. She stops moving. Everything is still. I hear my own breathing. I hope Jack can’t hear it or else he might turn the knife on me. He doesn’t need a reason.
He presses the blade against Mama’s slim neck, and a tiny stream of blood trickles down, pooling in the hollow dip above her left collarbone. I know how ugly this can get. I’ve seen Jack beat Mama to the point she can’t open her mouth to eat, or move her hands to iron, or stand up on her own two feet without falling to the ground in pain. Every time it happens, I swear to myself it’ll be the last time I let Jack hurt Mama.
I put my hand in my pocket. I rub my fingers across the smooth silver pocketknife, the only gift Jack ever gave me. I know how to end this. Now is the time. I will kill Jack and save Mama.
Just do it, I think. Hurry!
I open the blade. Plan the angle of attack.
But just as I am ready to lunge, Jack’s voice makes a sudden shift. His crazed shouts turn smooth. His voice no longer carves the air. He stops the hitting, leans hard over Mama, and says, through gritted teeth, I could kill you, Marie. I could.
Yanking his blade back behind him, he stands tall and looks down at Mama. She trembles on the ground, tears in her eyes, her breath short and fast, and he spits down into her face. Right in her face.
Mama closes her eyes. Jack gives her one last hard kick in the side. The sound of a cool watermelon being busted open in the heat of summer, a thick and empty jolt that drains all the sweetness out.
You disgust me,
he says. Leaves Mama wadded up in dirt and blood and tears.
When I finally get the guts to move, I close my knife and put it back in my pocket, trading it for a fistful of rocks. Jack starts his truck and I run after him. I throw gravel at the tailgate and scream, Don’t ever come back! I hate you! I hope you fall off your big fat bull and die!
The words come out like fireworks. It’s not my voice I hear. It’s someone else’s. Someone brave and strong. Someone not afraid of what her own father might do to her.
He flips the brakes and pops the truck in reverse. I want to run, but I stand right where I am. I rub my fingers over five jagged stones. God, give me strength,
I pray, thinking of Mama’s stories about David and Goliath.
Jack jerks his truck back into our little piece of the Suttons’ plantation and jumps from his seat with anger in his eyes. He stomps straight toward me, limping on his bad right knee. His coal-black eyes burn into mine. But, for the first time ever, I don’t look away. I don’t run, either. I stare right back at him and stand my ground.
What Jack doesn’t know is that this time is different. I’m about to turn ten, and I’ve had enough. This time, I am just as angry as he is. This time, I’m not going to hide. I pull back my throwing arm, take good aim at the man I fear most in the world, and throw the stones right at him. All five at once. I hope to knock out his eyes or bloody his nose or, if prayers be answered, cut a fatal gash across his big mean head. But all five pebbles bounce from Jack’s chest like rainwater, and he doesn’t stop walking for a second, not even when he laughs.
Instead, he grabs me by the arm and drags me over to Mama. She is struggling to get up from the ground, and he knocks her back down. Look at her,
he yells at me. "Look at her, I