Butt-Dialing Bastard
By Donald Rump
()
About this ebook
When Lenny Ludwitz gets a call from a mysterious stranger, he knows that he's totally f*cked. After going round and round with the knucklehead caller, Lenny and his trio of halfwit friends come to the only conclusion that they can--that the call, indeed, is originating from his bunghole.
Approximately 2,500 words.
WARNING: Do I even need to put down such a disclaimer? I mean, really, if you can't tell by the paragraph above (No, the other one, you dolt!) that this harebrained tale contains foul language and plenty of it, then you have far worse problems than the characters in this book. And don't tell me that I ruined the story by including a fart as a main character. The fart is the story! Without him, it would totally suck balls.
Oh, you still think it sucks balls? Well, at least it doesn't suck donkey balls.
There, I fixed it.
Now, some of these tales have sex in them. Not this one, but it is eluded to strongly. There's also mention of certain objects being shoved up a certain area where the sun don't shine. No, it doesn't mean I'm f*cking gay! Unfortunately, I can't get away without including such backdrops because one or more characters is a fart. They're born in bungholes, and tend to hang out there. Believe me, I'd love to b.s. the whole thing and say that farts only come from a woman's cooch, but hey, that's not even remotely correct. Besides, those are technically queefs not farts, and are far less frequent than you've been led to believe.
So if you can get past my social justice warrior inclusion of farts, you'll have a swell time, and may even learn a trick or two (though it is doubtful). Or, you could projectile vomit on your spouse and jump out a window. These things tend to happen when reading a Donald Rump story or two, thus the warning.
EXCERPT FROM BUTT-DIALING BASTARD
When Lenny Ludwitz's cellphone began to ring, he knew that he was in hot water. It made the sound of a clucking chicken, a private joke that he shared with his mistress, which elicited smiles and curious eyes from his friends seated around him. "Well, I guess that's me," he laughed and answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Oh, thank God! I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I woke up all alone. It's dark in here. And scary. Did I mention that it stinks?" came a nervous voice.
Lenny's smile dropped off his face, as if he were staring into the headlights of an oncoming train. "Who is this?"
"What, are you kidding? It's me, Squeaky. Your son."
Donald Rump
When he's not writing about old, crusty farts, Donald Rump writes about actual farts--the stinkier the better. He is also an advocate of the No Fart Left Behind program and marriage equality for all gaseous entities great and small. Mr. Rump lives in Southern Maryland with his pet fart Floofy. (Note: Image licensed by DepositPhotos.com and © Matthew Britton.)
Read more from Donald Rump
Finding Floofy Keeping Wind Laten and the Fate of the World at Bay Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Would Be Asstronaut Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Hairiest Butt Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLike a Festering Ingrown Toenail--Where’s My Side of Toe Cheese? Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFart Lover Supreme Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWeekend Getaway Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFive Reasons Why Dating Hot Chicks Is A Bad Idea Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCaptive Audience Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTill Death Do Us Fart Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings20 Common Questions About Farts Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe $500 Question Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDate Like A Scoundrel: 10 Things to Tell Ugly Chicks on a First Date: Date Like a Scoundrel Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMarriage Stinks Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Chapped-Ass Critic Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFour Stinky Stories Vol. 4 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Butt-Dialing Bastard
Related ebooks
The Book of Wind Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings20 Common Questions About Farts Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSeafood and Other Stories Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Subtle Art of Fart Remarks: Clever Things to Say When You Fart Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAnnabelle, the Reluctant Fart Fairy: Forgotten Fairies, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSurviving Immortality Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsToilet Tom: A Short Story Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Fartionary Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Burptionary Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPandemonium: Book One in the 101 Ways to Hell Series Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Cats in Cyberspace Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pook & Partners Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHigh Art: A Short Story Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Chariots of Ire Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNothing But A Miracle (Life's Outtakes - Year 4) 52 Humorous and Inspirational Short Stories Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMermaid—The Other Other White Meat: A Beach Slapped Humor Collection (2011) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Complete Deep Thoughts Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCryptids & Cauldrons: The Sisters: Cryptids & Cauldrons, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPook Said It Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Muslim Zombies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Mommy Memoirs: A Hilarious and Heartwarming Look at the Trials and Triumphs of Being a Mom Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPrince Of Denmark Street: Shakespeare graphic novel - Hamlet is a punk rocker Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Otherside of Aging Humor Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBeau Pook Proposes Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFrozen Dinner Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Dick By Law Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNightlife: Night Terrors Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPook at College Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMarine Pook Esquire Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A Man Called Ove: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Pimpology: The 48 Laws of the Game Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Sunshine Nails: A Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Butt-Dialing Bastard
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Butt-Dialing Bastard - Donald Rump
Butt-Dialing Bastard
Donald Rump
Also by Donald Rump
20 Common Questions About Farts
A Lonely, Wayward Fart Named Steve (Episode 1)
Date Like A Scoundrel: 10 Things to Tell Ugly Chicks on a First Date
Bottling Farts (English, Spanish, Italian)
Bottling Farts, Inc. Season 1 (Episodes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Captive Audience
Crazy Authors Volume 1
Don't Count Your Chicken Farts Before They Hatch
Finding Floofy (English, Spanish)
Five Reasons Why Dating Hot Chicks is a Bad Idea
Floofed at 40,000 Feet
Four Stinky Stories Vol. 1 (English, Spanish)
Four Stinky Stories Vol. 2 (English, Spanish)
Gastrointestinal Blues
Going Dutch (English, Spanish)
Keeping Wind Laten and the Fate of the World at Bay
Marriage Stinks (English, Spanish, Dutch)
Put Another Fart in the Jukebox, Baby
The $500 Question (English, Spanish)
The Chapped-Ass Critic (English, Spanish)
The Would Be Asstronaut (English, Spanish)
Till Death Do Us Fart (English, Spanish, Dutch)
Weekend Getaway (English, Spanish)
© 2016 Donald Rump. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form (electronic, mechanical or otherwise) without the express written consent of the author.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and