A Rude Surprise
By Refried Bean
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About this ebook
This book is a collection of poems, blog posts, and secret documents from Refried Bean.
Refried Bean
Refried Bean is from Greenville, SC. Refried worked in a bookstore for twelve years and has an M.F.A. in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts. Refried now lives in the Bronx near a Stop and Shop.
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Book preview
A Rude Surprise - Refried Bean
New Poems by Refried Bean
Hole
In the dorm at the writers retreat
Kind of like camp
I put on my shirt
And discover there is a hole
In the front of it
Chewed by the mice in my apartment
Like a letter from home.
Prediction
If this poetry book is good,
I am going to be really jealous of myself.
Decree
Once forgiveness is granted to the bad people,
the mediocre people cannot take it away.
Idea
i was thinking today
that it could be a good idea
to put my CVS extra care card membership
on my resume.
An Idea Floating Around
Something they should make illegal
before anyone thinks of it
is chocolate root beer
A Rule of Nature
Not Jesus Christ will not triumph.
Some lines
What if you kept switching lines
at the grocery store
to try to be in the shortest line
and you accidentally
paid for your groceries six times.
Theology
What if you lost 200 dollars
and you felt terrible about it
but you forgave yourself
and God was so happy about your forgiveness
that he gave everyone who has ever existed
200 more dollars in their account.
Tips
What if the company you worked for
called your church
and asked them to do a sermon
about doing the best you can and working harder.
poem
Do y'all ever worry
that you are going to end up
loving rodents in a wrong way?
I started worrying about it
because I was thinking about getting a TV
and I was like okay what if
I watch something inappropriate on TV
and then can't stop watching certain stuff
but then I was like well what if
I am not even interested in that stuff
and really it turns out
that I love mice a little too much
well I don't know if that would be a good situation
no I am not talking about situation like
situation comedy. see that is exactly what I am trying to say.
poem
I am not going to tell my therapist
that I think I might be the ten horned beast
that Daniel the prophet dreamed about in the Bible
because what if Jesus Christ had a dream
about a kangaroo that knows how to bake cookies,
and what if that is me and I should be happy.
Pots and pans and meteor scans
Catholicism is going to be real sorry
when there is a mix up on Judgement Day
and it turns out that Jesus died for my sins.
They will say that is not fair.
They will say You did not follow the rules.
I will say I followed some of the rules.
They will say You did not drink enough grape juice.
I will say You should not have said that.
They will say Sorry.
I will say okay no problem let's play a game.
They will say How about Pictionary.
I will say What about Trivial Pursuit.
They will say how about Catholic shuffle.
And I will say okay and deal some cards
And they will say ok we got a five of spades
And I will say well hmm I got a Draw Four.
And they will say Hey where did you get the Uno cards
And I will say from Kmart.
poem
what if everyone is so hypocritical
that our whole age and era
is just a pageant
for the people of the year 3000
to learn from.
poem
some people get so proud of themselves
that maybe they are better off
just not doing anything good.
What if
What if in the Bible
when it says God will wipe away every tear
it is talking about tears of laughter
and they go away because of some bad news.
Apples, rabbits, a poem that might not be necessary
If someone delivered a barrel of apples to your door
would you accept the apples
or be mad that they weren't dropped
on the pack of wilderbeasts
that keep attacking everyone's pet rabbits.
Well I would be grateful for the apples
but I keep my pets indoors.
I wrote this poem because
I did not want to be lazy
and not write enough poems.
But right now I have french fries
sitting on my cot
even though there is currently a mice problem in my apartment
so it is possible that I am not being lazy
but am just tired.
And if I was going to do something,
shouldn't I take the leftover food to the kitchen.
Life isn't that hard sometimes.
Theory
What if the scientists figure out
that actually the volcanoes always erupt
on the day after a human says the one billionth bad word
since the last volcano erupted?
Idea
What if you set people up on a blind date
and you wrote a script for them so they would know what to say?
poem
It is not fair for people to get a job
just because they aren't psychotic.
The Golden Hour
At volunteer work,
I am feeling a little bit better about Judgement Day,
like Jesus Christ might say to me
I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
except I am not sure that Jesus likes canned pears.
And then I start thinking about the Bible verse that says
the measure you use will be used on you,
and I give good tips in coffee shops,
but wonder if I can trade that credit
for a stricter measure on child abusers,
so they are wiped from the face of the earth,
and then on Judgement Day,
I might net right at exactly zero
and am given one courtesy meal
where Jesus says
"You know what,
it is true that I don't like canned pears,"
and then he hands me a leftover can of magic pears
that can be planted
to grow a tree that sprouts mansions,
all stocked with toys and candy
for the children
who were saved
by my rage.
Some people must stay alive
We need some people
to live to tell
to eat some ice cream
and all be well
to pass the torch
and plant a tree
so I keep going
in case that's me.
If I ever don't know what to say
If I ever don't know what to say,
maybe I could just ask people
if they are going to the picnic.
and they will say What picnic?
And I will say I don't know.
If I ever have a job interview
If I ever have a job interview
I am going to tell them
that I do not say
Nice job, squirt,
to my superiors.
Another one of my policies
Another one of my policies
is that I don't go up to injured war vets
and say You're welcome for the tax dollars.
Train poem
If I made a fool of myself
in the train station
maybe it was because
the train did not arrive on time and I got bored.
So now who is the one
singing in strangers faces
and doing a hop skip and a jump
while hitting themself?
What's good is good.
They should invent robots
who pray