We'll Never Be Apart
By Emiko Jean
3.5/5
()
About this ebook
Murder. Fire. Revenge. That’s all seventeen-year-old Alice Monroe thinks about. Committed to a mental ward at Savage Isle, Alice is haunted by memories of the fire that killed her boyfriend, Jason. A blaze her twin sister, Cellie, set.
But when Chase, a mysterious, charismatic patient, agrees to help her seek vengeance, Alice begins to rethink everything. Writing out the story of her troubled past in a journal, she must confront hidden truths—and find out whether the one person she trusts is telling her only half the story.
“One part mystery and two parts psychological thriller” (School Library Journal), We’ll Never Be Apart is “a killer debut” (Adele Griffin, National Book Award finalist).
“Realistic characters make good use of a gothic setting that will attract anyone with a taste for the edge.” —Kirkus Reviews
Emiko Jean
Emiko Jean is the New York Times bestselling author of the young adult novels Tokyo Dreaming and Tokyo Ever After, a Reese Witherspoon/Hello Sunshine pick, as well as the novel Mika in Real Life, which was a Good Morning America Book Club pick. She lives in Washington with her husband and two kids.
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Reviews for We'll Never Be Apart
30 ratings8 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A YA thriller, We'll Never Be Apart is one of those books that has left me unsure exactly how I feel about it.The story is an intriguing one. Alice Monroe is in a mental ward on Savage Isle, locked in with her fractured memories of the fire that killed her boyfriend, a fire that was set by her twin sister. The story is told through present day scenes, as well as journal entry flashbacks. As Alice regains more of her memories, the readers learn more about what happened.So why am I left giving this book a middling score?On the one hand, I found it really gripping. I read it in about twenty four hours, and felt my heart in my throat in a couple places towards the end as the action really started to pick up. I definitely wanted to keep reading to find out the truth behind what happened.On the other hand, it read as frankly ridiculous at times. Even accounting for sweeps of the imagination and unreal, given the setting and protagonists, parts of it just seemed overwrought and so unlikely. To me, the main twist was slightly predictable, but mostly reasonable given the context of the story itself, but so many little moments just jolted me out of the story with how unlikely they truly were.Also, I found it completely impossible to like Cellie, the twin sister, at all. I suspect this was done purposefully by the author, but having a main character so unlikable with seemingly no true redeeming qualities can make for a less than engaging read. I did not completely find myself on the side of most of the other main characters as well, which was also an issue. I completely understand that because of their circumstances, the author wanted readers to find them sympathetic in their flawed natures, but Jean went, in my opinion, too far in emphasizing those flaws.In the end, this was a suspenseful, flawed book with an interesting twist that kept me flipping pages, and left me somewhat unsatisfied. I'd be curious to see what Emiko Jean comes out with next as she grows more as a writer.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I was looking forward to reading this book so much. It sounded spooky and interesting and I was really getting into it as I was reading. Alice and Celia are twins who have experienced some pretty traumatic things in their lives and have been through a lot together. The have witnessed death, accidents, abuse, but all things considered they are doing ok ... for the most part. The there is a murder and Alice is getting blamed for something Celia did and she is not sure how to get herself out.The beginning of this book was wonderfully captivating. The characters are interesting and the writing is past and present intertwined. The reader is lead through the current situation and also Alice's past and how she has gotten to this point. I was really liking the way it was going.Then when I was talking about the books plot with my husband, he made a revelation into what the ending might contain, and it turns out he was correct. Here in lies by issue with the book - the ending was too predictable. Granted, I fell victim to this beautifully written amalgamation of past and present and wanted to believe my hubby wrong. I was disappointed with the ending and I hate admitting when he is right.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A painfully beautiful story that broke my heart and mended it. Brilliant plot that carries you, sometimes harshly, sometimes gently, through an emotionally tumultuous yet elegant tale. Absolutely recommended to anyone with a taste for scarring stories that never really leave you.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Holy crap, this book was good. It's centered in a mental hospital and tells the story of how one of the main characters has ended up there along with her journey in the mental hospital. The story was intriguing from the very beginning but only got better as the book when on. Almost every chapter has a part of a journal entry from Alice and it was pretty interesting at first. To be honest, I found myself less interested in the journal entries near the end and just wanted to know what was going on. However, those parts were so important. Jean does a wonderful job of drawing you and not letting go. I read this book in one day, unable to out it down for too long of a period at a time. I needed to find out what was going on and guessed at it just as the truth was being revealed. It was quite the ending and I just honestly couldn't believe it. Such a good story and worth every single star.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5‘So where does a story that ends in fire and death begin? It begins in the snow on the coldest day of the coldest winter of the last fifty years, with two girls on their sixth birthday in silent house. It begins with a body.’Alice and Celia are twins who have had an arduous life, but fortunately they’ve had each other to get through it. After their grandfather died when they were six, they’ve bounced around to various different foster care homes, some worse than others. When Alice is seventeen years old, Celia intentionally sets a fire that almost kills her but does kill her boyfriend, Jason. She wakes in a mental health hospital called Savage Isle to find herself recovering from burns and a definite lack of memory surrounding the incident. All Alice knows is Celia killed Jason and revenge begins to consume her thoughts.Honestly, the summary gives it all away and if you didn’t bother to read the summary then the prologue definitely will. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with a mystery that’s predictable because the story itself can make it all worth it, but I have a hard time becoming sympathetic towards characters and their plights when I know more than they do. Their mental stumbling, trying to uncover obvious clues becomes more obnoxious than tragic.We’ll Never Be Apart could have been saved with some tension but I never felt a sense of urgency from Alice to uncover the mystery. She finds herself in a mental hospital being charged with a crime that she knows in her heart she didn’t commit, yet instead of attempting to work through her memories she becomes resigned to her plight and instead focuses her attention on her crush. Nevermind that her boyfriend of several years just died in a fire a few weeks ago. Becoming resigned to the situation she finds herself in would have been one thing, because can you imagine waking up in a mental hospital being blamed for something you didn’t do and being force-fed medication? That would be terrifying and I think we’d all mentally shut down to some extent, but the focus on the boy was what really ruined it for me. And all the security card stealing so that the two can carouse the halls of the hospital at night. Because that’s totally legit.I kept reading, hoping for a twist that I maybe hadn’t foreseen. Alas, the end came, and it was less twisty and suspenseful than I had been hoping for. The resolution was also far more tidy than I would have expected given the topic. All in all, this one is far from being a terrible read, but I’ve read too many books that touch on the same topic that have just been done better.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This is a psychological thriller.Alice is in a mental ward and has only one desire: kill her twin. Alice and her sister have always been inseparable, especially following her grandfather’s death when they were left to the foster system. Cellie has always protected Alice, but she has a penchant for fire, setting them just to see things burn. She is cruel and Alice has protected her. After Cellie kills Alice’s boyfriend--Jason--in a fire, leaving her with scars, Alice is determined to kill CellieWhen she meets a boy, Chase, in the mental ward who agrees to help her, Alice has to regain her memories and find truths that she has hidden from herself about her entire life. She has also been blamed for Jason’s death and will have to go to court for killing him. She doesn’t want to be held responsible for Cellie and knows that Cellie cannot be cured at the facility. She just needs to find her. I haven’t decided if I’m purchasing this novel or not. The journals of Cellie and Alice’s lives before Jason’s death and subsequent time in the mental facility shed light and clues as to the truth. I find this novel geared more for older teens than middle school age.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Figured out the plot twist within the first two chapters. But I was really curious as to how the reveal would be worked out. And I wasn't too disappointed. Love the cover. I do think my students would like th is one.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/54.5 stars
We'll Never Be Apart by Emiko Jean is a twisty, turny, edge of your seat psychological thriller. Set against the backdrop of a mental hospital, this young adult novel is a riveting mystery written in first person from seventeen year old patient Alice Monroe's point of view.
Alice and her twin sister Celia have had a very rough life. In the foster care system from age six, they bounce from home to home where they befriend another foster child, Jason. Suffering heartbreaking abuse at the hands of those who should have been protecting them, Alice, Celia and Jason help protect one another from harm. However, Celia has developed an unhealthy obsession with Alice and she turns to arson whenever she feels her sister slipping away from her. When Jason re-enters their lives after an earlier separation, Celia is threatened by the blossoming romance between him and Alice. After a trip to beach goes tragically wrong, the twins are sent to Oregon State Mental Hospital on Savage Isle while Jason winds up in juvie. Jason's attempt to help Alice escape is thwarted by yet another fire and tragically, Jason dies while Alice and Celia manage to survive the blaze. Now back at the hospital awaiting trial, Alice and another patient, Chase Ward, try to track down Celia before she can attack Alice again.
Alice is an uncooperative patient but there is no getting around her private and group therapy sessions. The doctor in charge of her case suggests keeping a journal to help her understand the events of her past and these entries provide a heartrending look into her life from the time she and Celia lost their grandfather and entered into the foster care system. As she reflects on the series of events that culminated in their first trip to Savage Isle, Alice is stunned by emerging portrait of Jason and the events that led her, Celia and Jason to this point in their lives.
Alice is essentially the good twin who is unfailingly upbeat and positive whereas Celia has been troubled right from the start. Alice is an excellent student who hopes to use college as a means to a better life while Celia skips school and sets fire to cope with her problems. Alice is overjoyed when they are reunited with Jason but Celia's jealousy over their fledgling romance takes a very twisted turn. Alice seems to be an unwitting accomplice to Celia's unsavory fascination with fire and Jason's need for revenge but her love and loyalty for the pair clouds her judgment as events spiral out of control.
Despite the rumors and secrets swirling around Chase, Alice eagerly accepts his offer of assistance. She tries to keep from getting too close to him but he sweetly and rather humorously manages to sneak past her defenses. Their friendship takes a bit of a romantic turn as they join forces to find Celia but Alice cannot help but feel betrayed by him late in the story when she discovers one of the secrets he has been keeping from her. Convinced he can help her face certain facts about her past, Chase takes matters into his own hands, but in doing so, will he cause Alice irreparable harm?
We'll Never Be Apart by Emiko Jean is a suspense-laden psychological thriller. The novel is incredibly well written with a rather ingenious and engrossing plot. The characters are superbly developed and quite appealing despite their troubled pasts. In spite of a few suspicions about how the various story arcs would eventually play out, the overall story is quite enjoyable and the conclusion contains a few unexpected plot twists. A very intriguing young adult mystery that I highly recommend to readers of all ages.
Book preview
We'll Never Be Apart - Emiko Jean
Copyright © 2015 by Emiko Jean
All rights reserved. For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.
hmhco.com
Cover photograph © 2015 Getty Images
Hand-lettering by Leah Palmer Preiss
Cover design by Lisa Vega
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Jean, Emiko.
We’ll never be apart / Emiko Jean.
pages cm
Summary: Haunted by memories of the fire that killed her boyfriend, seventeen-year-old Alice Monroe is in a mental ward when, with support from fellow patient Chase, she begins to confront hidden truths in a journal, including that the only person she trusts may be telling her only half of the story.
[1. Mental illness—Fiction. 2. Psychiatric hospitals—Fiction. 3. Posttraumatic stress disorder—Fiction. 4. Death—Fiction. 5. Twins—Fiction. 6. Sisters—Fiction. 7. Love—Fiction. 8. Foster home care—Fiction.]
I. Title. II. Title: We’ll never be apart.
PZ7.1.J43We 2015
[Fic]—dc23
2014046785
ISBN 978-0-544-48200-5 hardcover
ISBN 978-0-544-81320-5 paperback
eISBN 978-0-544-63650-7
v4.1018
For Craig,
who really keeps the sun in the sky
and the stars apart
and the water in the oceans.
I wrote this book for you.
PROLOGUE
Celia
LATER ON, WHEN THEY QUESTION ME, I’LL SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. An unfortunate tragedy. But it was neither. When they ask me what happened that night, I’ll say, It was a mistake. But it wasn’t. I don’t remember, I’ll say. But I do.
I, Celia Monroe, remember everything.
If I close my eyes, I can still see Alice and Jason running ahead of me, holding hands, their bodies suspended in a sliver of moonlight as they dashed through the forest. Before everything changed, the three of us were inseparable—Alice and I, especially. We were like the constellation Gemini, mirror images, forever united in the shimmering heavens.
There were no stars the night Alice and Jason escaped from the facility, but even in total darkness, they made it past the barbed-wire fence to the other side of an almost-frozen lake and through an overgrown field, where they finally found refuge in an abandoned barn. I crept in when I thought for sure they had gone to sleep, but their whispers made me pause, and my heart beat like a tethered bird’s. They vowed quietly to each other to keep running, to head west, toward a better life. A life without me. And suddenly I saw myself for what I was, the perpetual third wheel, soon to be abandoned.
I slipped from my hiding place, and when I found a gas lamp in the horse stall, I thought it must be a sign. Some divine intervention telling me that what I was about to do was right. My hand didn’t shake as I lit the match and connected it to the wick. For a moment the warmth that sprang from the glass soothed me.
Alice found me first. Even in the poor light I could make out her face. We were twins, identical from our long brown hair to our too-large eyes. It was the small things that made us different.
Please don’t,
she said.
Those two words had become her mantra lately. Please don’t set those leaves on fire. Please don’t hurt that dog. Please don’t hurt me anymore, Cellie. I wanted to shout, ball up her words and hurtle them at her. She thought there was something good left inside me. Something she could draw out and bargain with. But that part was long gone, ground to ash by her betrayal.
Jason showed up next. Once, I could have stared at him for hours. His lovely face. The square set of his jaw. The green in his eyes that made me think of walking barefoot in grassy fields. Jason, the boy I loved, who always loved Alice more. He pushed the hair from her shoulder tenderly and murmured something in her ear. The way he looked at her made my stomach feel empty and my body feel small. I spun from them and took a few steps away. I didn’t hear him approach, just felt his fingers as he laid them over mine. I studied the tattoo of a unicorn on his wrist, all psychedelic colors and thick, bold lines, a reminder of happier times. Just let go,
he said.
Let go. It sounded like an invitation.
The lamp exploded on impact. Fire spread like roots through the moldy hay and slats of the dry barn. When wind swept through the open window, bringing new oxygen to feed the flames, it felt like I was flying. I’d never been so high.
Alice fought it. I didn’t know she had it in her. She screamed and tried to run for the exit, but the fire hissed and the barn buckled. Something collapsed, blocking her way. I watched as she dropped to her knees and tried to claw her way out, but Jason wrapped his protective arms around her, stilling her frantic movements. He knew it was too late.
For minutes that felt like hours, they coughed and murmured pathetically to each other. Then he passed out, leaving my poor Allie to fend for herself. As she drifted into unconsciousness, her eyelids twitched, as if she were lost in a nightmare. I resisted the urge to touch her, to offer her a small measure of comfort while Fate wrote the final period on her life. There was even a piece of me that wanted to weep into her neck, the way you weep into the neck of an old dog right before you put it to sleep.
It wasn’t long before the police showed up. Sirens wailed and flashing lights whirled, casting the night into a frenzy of red and blue. When they found me, I didn’t fight—didn’t bite or spit or claw. I was lifted and then strapped to a stretcher. Through the open door of the ambulance I could see the firemen hauling out their bodies, like trash bags going to the curb.
They placed a plastic sheet over Jason but held off on Alice. Someone shouted, This one’s alive!
They began to work on her wrecked ship of a body, pounding her chest so hard I could practically feel her ribs splintering.
Die,
I whispered into the chilly night air. Just go.
But of course she didn’t. It would’ve been so much easier if she had.
chapter
1
Savage Isle
IN MY MIND THERE ARE BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOS. They float around, landing softly here and there, resting on top of other memories, dreamscapes and nightmares. Sometimes they bloom color, like the one I’m focusing on now. It unfolds, like a flower opening for the sun, the petals wet and dark. Slowly it bleeds brilliant pigments. Dark sky. Clear rain. Yellow headlights. A boy with curly hair and a crooked grin. Jason in the rain. My favorite memory of him.
When was your last period?
the nurse asks me. Alice?
The nurse’s voice is like snapping fingers, calling me to attention. The image fades. White paper crinkles as I shift uncomfortably on the exam table. I try to count the hours, the suns and moons, and remember how much time has passed since the fire. It’s been weeks, I think. Tsunamis have decimated cities in less time than that. I rub a hand over my chest where breathing is still difficult. The nurse’s white ID badge reads NURSE DUMMEL, OREGON STATE MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL. I recognize her face from before, from my last stay here. The face of a bulldog. Round cheeks set over a row of bottom teeth that stick out just a smidge too far. Nurse Dummel clears her throat.
Uh, I don’t know . . .
I say. I’m not sure. Maybe two weeks ago?
I swallow. Even though it’s been a while since the fire, my tongue still tastes of ash. Maybe it always will.
Nurse Dummel types something into a computer. And how are the burns?
The burns that travel over each shoulder blade and down past my right wrist tingle. Miraculously, the fire didn’t touch my left hand. The skin there is still soft and smooth. Better,
I say.
Although I don’t remember the fire, I do have some fuzzy recollections of my intensive care stay. The bitter uncertainty of those days and the bright, bright pain that just wouldn’t go away.
That all?
the nurse asks. No pain, numbness, or swelling?
No. It’s just itchy now.
Outside, wind howls and shakes the thin walls of the building. A shudder rolls through me. Oregon State Mental Health Hospital is located on a thin strip of densely forested island. The hospital advertises itself as a peaceful haven where troubled souls recover, but there’s nothing tranquil about this place. Even the name of the island, Savage Isle, was born from blood. In the late 1800s, a hundred Native Americans were forcibly relocated here, only to be killed later in a massacre. Old newspapers say there was so much blood that winter, it looked as if red snow had fallen from the sky.
That’s good. You’re lucky you can feel anything at all. Some second-degree burns cause loss of sensation.
Lucky. Am I lucky? That’s not how I would characterize the situation.
You’ll need to stay on antibiotics for the next couple of weeks and keep up with your physical therapy.
I almost laugh. When I left the ICU, a doctor gave me a pamphlet on hand exercises, explaining that they would help me regain full mobility. That was the only physical therapy I received. I flex my hand now. The movement causes a subtle ache, but other than that, everything appears to work just fine.
A white wristband prints out next to the computer. Left wrist please,
Nurse Dummel says, gesturing for me to hold out my arm. I comply, and she snaps on the tight plastic. There are four colors of wristbands at Savage Isle. I have worn them all before. All except for red. Nobody wants a red wristband. Upon admittance, everyone is given the standard white, and after a period of about twenty-four to forty-eight hours on semi-restricted status, they’re usually granted a yellow wristband that comes with very few restrictions. After yellow comes green. Green means go. Stay up late, visit home, drink caffeine, get out of Savage Isle.
All right, kiddo,
Nurse Dummel sighs, handing me a pair of ratty scrubs. Stand up, take everything off, and put these on.
I wait a heartbeat to see if she’s going to leave and give me some privacy, but she just stands there, watching me with a hawk’s stare. I change quick and quiet and I think of Jason. When we kissed, his lips tasted like fresh spring water and hot tamales. I didn’t have the courage to ask about him in the hospital. I feared his fate. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Still, somewhere inside me the truth clanks like a ball and chain . . . It’s not possible he made it out of the fire alive. I ignore it. Denial is kinder, more gentle. Uninvited thoughts of Cellie pop into my mind, but I push them away. I refuse to waste worry on my twin. Worry is lost on her.
When I finish putting on the scrubs, I throw my hoodie back on, hoping the nurse will let me keep it. I don’t like being cold. She doesn’t notice, or pretends not to, and gestures toward my shoes. All right, shoelaces have to come off. This your bag?
She points to the corner of the room where a lavender duffel sits on the floor. It’s worn and dirty, the color almost bleached to gray.
I pull my sneakers off and de-thread the laces. The nurse shakes her head a little as she slips on a pair of latex gloves. She picks up my bag and places it on the exam table. In a detached and efficient manner she sorts through my things. A couple of pairs of pants, some shirts, an iPod, toothbrush, toothpaste, some floss, and origami paper, all my worldly possessions.
She holds the origami paper up and raises her eyebrows. I mirror her look, resisting the urge to stick out my tongue like a petulant child and snatch the sheets from her fingers. They were a gift, a gentle reminder to Cellie and me that we weren’t always alone. I don’t want Nurse Dummel’s greasy fingerprints all over them. When she sets them aside, I’m relieved. You’re good to go,
she says. You can pack up everything except these.
Nurse Dummel confiscates my toothbrush, floss, clothes, and headphones and dumps them into a plastic bag. I quickly tally the number of items left in my possession—an iPod that’s useless without the headphones, some toothpaste, just as useless without the brush, and my origami paper. Nurse Dummel opens the door and gestures for me to follow her. I gather my three remaining possessions and place them in the lavender duffel bag, careful not to accidentally crease any of the origami paper.
Outside the exam room a big guy with a mullet stands guard. He follows us as we walk down a hallway that quickly turns into another. A sterile maze. We pass a sign that says ADMITTANCE WARD C, then another that says PATIENTS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT. He swipes a badge over a black box and the doors swing open. I shift my duffel bag uneasily. There’s a familiar rush of anxiety as we come to a second set of doors. Once again the guy with the mullet swipes a card over a black box and the doors seem to magically swing open. As soon as I step over the threshold, they swing shut behind me with a soft clink.
The place looks the same as when I left it, like something ate the 1970s and then threw up all the furniture here. We’re in the common area, the coed area. There’s a box TV with two channels, one with good reception. We used to have a DVD player for movies, but some kid peed on it and it shorted out. There are a couple of couches with pillows that look like they’re frowning all the time, some cracked green leather chairs, a few imitation wood tables, and steel mesh on all the windows. I think about the time I visited the zoo as a kid, pressed my face between the steel bars of the polar bear cage, and watched the animals pace. Their padded feet were silent and had worn huge, gaping tracks in the dirt. How many months would it take to make such deep grooves? My toes curl in my laceless shoes. The common area is empty, probably because it’s close to dinnertime. The smell of beef stroganoff permeates the air.
Donny will take your bag to your room,
Nurse Dummel says. I shrug the duffel off my shoulder and hand it over to the tech. He takes it from me, narrowly avoiding skin-to-skin contact.
The nurse keeps walking and I hurry to keep pace with her long strides. The C ward is shaped like a circle with three arms, the common area at its center. Two of the arms are long hallways that stretch into dead ends—they’re all patient rooms. One hallway is for boys, the other for girls. The third hallway houses the cafeteria, the recreation room (where you can glue shells onto wooden boards or ride one of three exercise bikes), classrooms, doctors’ offices, and group therapy rooms. The nurse leads me down the third hallway toward the doctors’ offices. She pauses in front of a plastic chair just outside a door across from the cafeteria.
Wait here,
she says. She knocks on the door and then enters.
I look at the chair. Its cracked seat looks uninviting and painful. I jam my hands into my hoodie pockets and lean against the wall.
I’ve just begun to chew the inside of my cheek when there’s a buzz, followed by the cafeteria doors swinging open. A steady stream of teens emerges. Their gaits are sluggish and their gazes downcast, like they’re afraid to make eye contact. Cellie used to tell me they were like jellyfish. Overmedicated jellyfish. Gelatinous balls whose touch is poison and who always have to move, because if you stop moving, you’re dead. Most of them I don’t recognize. Which isn’t a surprise. Savage Isle is state funded, so patients are encouraged to stay for as little time as possible. Plus, my last stay here with Cellie was short—cut short, I should say. Barely enough time to make friends or, in Cellie’s case, enemies. I study the new crop of patients as they exit the cafeteria. A second buzzer sounds and the jellyfish move a little quicker (a change in the tide), off to the common area or rec room for free
time. The irony is not lost on me.
The last patient out is a boy. A boy with a measured, unhurried walk. A walk that screams the opposite of jellyfish. He wears one of those baseball hats with no logo, just solid black. He’s definitely new. I would’ve remembered him for sure. His head is bowed, so I can’t see his face. Two techs follow close behind him.
Move it along, Chase,
one of them says.
He doesn’t turn around. His only acknowledgment is a slight tilt that brings his head up and makes his eyes level with mine. They are blue, the kind of blue that is so light it makes his face look pale. A long scar runs down his left cheek. From a razorblade? A knife? Something sharp that can cut deep. Despite the scar, he’s not bad looking. If he weren’t so banged up, he would be out-of-this-world hot. If anything, the gash tempers his beauty, makes him seem real and maybe a little dangerous. He wears a thin T-shirt and jeans that ride low. He’s noticed me staring at him. His eyes crinkle at the corners. He laughs, low and sexy, takes off his baseball hat, and smoothes a hand over his mussed blond hair.
My cheeks grow hot with embarrassment, and the guilt I feel is almost as immediate as my body’s response. For one split second I forget about Jason’s cinnamon breath, the curve of his smile, and the touch of his callused fingers. All because of this stranger whose eyes make me feel all lit up inside. I bite the inside of my cheek, hard. The boy passes me, leaving behind the scent of clean laundry.
The door beside me opens and the nurse reappears.
All right, Alice, the doctor will see you now.
I push off the wall, keeping my eyes on the boy’s retreating back. Just as I’m about to enter the office, he stops, glances over his shoulder, and smiles at me. Intimately. Like he’s happy to see me. Like I’ve just made his day. He smiles as if he knows me. And I get an odd sense of déjà vu. (Jason would say it was a glitch in the matrix.) I can’t seem to shake the feeling that he actually looks familiar. That I’ve seen his face before. That I know him, too.
The doctor’s office is cluttered. Shelves and file cabinets, bursting with books and stacks of paper, line the walls. It’s like I’ve been sucked into a vortex and I’m standing in Dumbledore’s office. I wish. I also wish I didn’t know this office so well. But I do. Dr. Goodman stands in the middle of the room. He’s young, with thin wire-rimmed glasses. I always thought he looked like the kind of guy who doesn’t own a TV. He holds a thick file between his pasty hands. My file.
Hello, Alice,
he says. He waits, as if he expects me to say something. I don’t know why he would, based on our past history of awkward, semi-silent therapy sessions. It’s nice to see you again.
He crosses the room and extends a hand for me to shake.
I look down at his open palm and my hands twitch inside the pockets of my hoodie. I like the way the fleece lining feels, soft like a teddy bear. I remove a hand, shake his, and then quickly stuff mine back in my sweatshirt.
Please, have a seat,
he says, motioning to an armchair. He addresses the nurse, who hovers in the doorway. I think we can take it from here, Ms. Dummel.
Nurse Dummel puckers her lips. I wonder if she knows that her face looks like an asshole when she does that. She gives me a long, lingering gaze before nodding her head. All right, Dr. Goodman. Donny’ll be coming back to escort her to her room. He’ll be right outside the door if you need him.
I’m sure we’ll be fine,
Doc says. The nurse gives me one more assessing glance, like I’m a downed power line throwing off sparks, then leaves, shutting the door behind her.
I settle into the chair and Doc sits across from me. A heavy silence stretches between us. Doc crosses his legs, adjusts his tie, clears his throat. He picks up a yellow legal pad and a pen from the table next to his chair. I’m happy to see you, Alice. It looks as though you’re recovering well.
I wait for him to get to the point. Usually our meetings follow an agenda. Sharing feelings. Exposing secrets. Talking about the past.
Do you know why you’re here, Alice? Do you know why you’ve been returned to the hospital?
Images surface. Pictures of my great escape with Jason. Spirals of stairs. Murky water. A red barn at night. But the memory is like water slipping through my fist. My voice is quiet as I speak. There was a fire.
Doc jots something down. Tell me about that night, Alice. The night you left the hospital.
I knot my fingers in my lap and stare down at them, still unable to meet Doc’s eyes. After a while, my gaze shifts toward the window. Outside, the sky is overcast and gray. A thick fog rolls in behind the steel mesh and it’s hard to see anything beyond the hospital grounds. How come it’s always so foggy here?
The doc glances out the window. It’s because we’re so close to a lake. We’re in a convergence zone. Does the fog disturb you?
Why does he have to answer every question with a question? I shrug a shoulder. No, it doesn’t disturb me. I just think it’s weird, you know? If we can’t see anything but the fog, how do we know we exist beyond it?
He chuckles, and for once, his hand doesn’t move to scribble