It Falls Apart

Chapter One

From: Harper Donnelly

To: Chloe Pascal

Subject: I hate your dad

Hey,

I just got home from your place, or, I guess your old place. Is it possible that my house feels emptier with you gone? That visit was way too short. I can’t believe you’re actually leaving. I can’t believe you won’t be at Eden’s for New Year’s. I can’t believe you won’t be at school. Or in Berne Harbor. Or Maine for that matter. This royally sucks.

I’m gonna go eat all the leftover chocolate from Christmas. Yes. All of it. Then I’ll name the 10 lbs I gain after you. Oh, this roll of fat right here? That’s just Chloe.

Tell your dad I think he’s a dick for taking the job in Columbus.

Jokes. Your dad’s nice. But this still sucks.

Hugs et al,

Harper

P.S. I realize I could’ve just texted you all of this, but I’ve kinda always wanted a pen pal, and I figure writing you emails can be the not-that-shiny silver lining to this crappy, crappy situation.

***

It was an opportunity he couldn’t refuse. At least, that’s how he presented it when my best friend’s father told her the two of them would suddenly be moving to Ohio of all places over Christmas break. I’m sure he technically could have refused, but Chloe and her dad really needed the money after he’d lost his job a few months earlier. And there was no wiggle room in the offer either. If Mr. Pascal wanted the job, it had to be there, and it had to be then. No delaying until graduation. The company didn’t care that Chloe had friends, a boyfriend, and a very important life she’d have to leave behind. Teenage dreams don’t speak louder than the almighty dollar, so it was either move to Ohio with her dad, or to Texas, where her mom had moved years earlier, after her parents’ divorce.

Chloe and her dad left the day after Christmas. Our other friend, Meera, and I came by for one final visit while Mr. Pascal loaded the last of their things into the rental truck.

Saying goodbye was strange. It felt like we were supposed to spend the time doing something meaningful, something memorable, something that could pay tribute to the years of sleepovers, secrets, confessions, hair braiding, movie marathons, fits of giggles, and silent understandings. But instead we sat on the winterized front porch of their modest home, with its peeling paint and scuffed floorboards, and talked about trivial things.

Meera had just broken up with her secret boyfriend, Lewis, having successfully hidden him from her overbearing and traditional Indian parents for the entire three-month duration of their relationship. Dating before college was a big N-O in her house, but Meera had a decidedly different opinion on the subject. The limitations her parents set seemed to only make the forbidden fruit that much juicier and appetizing. I wouldn’t go so far as to call her boy crazy, but she did seem to have a habit of dating guys for a brief period of time before always being the one to break things off when she got bored or set her sights on someone new.

And then there was Chloe, who, of course, had just broken up with her boyfriend as well. At least, sort of. There seemed to be some confusion on the subject.

Did Luke agree it was for the best? I asked, sliding a blue fabric elastic from my pocket so I could sweep my below shoulder-length brown hair into a ponytail.

Chloe frowned. "Not specifically. I don’t think he was there yet. At first, he just seemed pissed that I was moving, almost like he thought it was my idea. Because, you know me; I’ve been meaning to check ruin my entire life off my bucket list for a while. She paused to roll her eyes. Anyway, after we moved past the initial shock and suckiness of it, we started talking about long distance relationships and how they rarely work, and how it wouldn’t be fair to each other blah blah blah. But then we talked about how college is only nine months away and if we both end up at UMaine like we planned…"

So, wait—are you still together? Meera asked.

Chloe tucked a curl of honey-blonde hair behind her ear. No. It’s more like, we’re on hold. Kinda. Except not. We agreed we don’t owe each other anything, but, it’s not like either of us wanted this to happen.

I’m sorry, Chloe, I said, though truthfully, a tiny part of me selfishly wasn’t. Chloe and Luke had only been dating for about eight months, but they’d gotten pretty serious. I hadn’t realized how much she liked him until the day she asked him out. We’d been sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when she suddenly got up to sit across from him a few tables over. I remember feeling confused, wondering what the hell she was doing. He had his earbuds in and was reading and eating at the same time. He didn’t seem to notice her until she started mirroring his every movement, finally eliciting a laugh. They talked for about five minutes; I stared the entire time. I couldn’t see her face, but I could see his and he was smiling. The next thing I knew they went to see a movie together, then they started holding hands in the halls, kissing goodbye before class. It seemed abrupt at the time, but I don’t think it actually was.

Chloe and I had been much closer before Luke came along. And sure, that probably would’ve been true with any boyfriend, or if the situation had been reversed, but having to share her with Luke made me resent him a little, even though I knew it was irrational.

"I feel like sorry is understating things, I continued. But I am. Especially for myself cause I’m gonna miss the crap out of you."

Chloe smiled at that, but it was faint. I’m going to miss the crap out of you guys, too.

Mr. Pascal pulled the back door of the rental truck and the three of us startled as it slammed shut. This was really happening.

Alright, Chlo, he called from the driveway. Time to wrap it up, Hun.

Chloe’s glassy eyes went wide as they shifted from Meera to me.

We’re gonna text, IM, whatever on an hourly basis, Meera said, bounding forward to draw Chloe into a hug. You know that, right?

Chloe nodded, managing an affirmative squeak as Meera released her. She turned to face me, and suddenly it felt like something heavy had been dropped onto my chest, pressing in on my lungs.

You should know, I strongly considered asking Nan if you could move in with us, but, well, you know how small the cottage is. Either she’d kill me for asking in the first place, or you for being there when she reluctantly agreed, I joked, hoping to break the tension.

I know she would. Chloe smiled, pulling me into her arms. I appreciate the thought.

I’d hugged Chloe plenty of times before, but I’d never given much thought to the moment of letting go, not until I definitely didn’t want to.

We don’t say goodbye around here, I said. There’s no sense in it.

This is literally the worst, she whispered into my shoulder. And as much as that definitely wasn’t true, in that moment, it felt awfully close. Nothing exciting or eventful ever happened in Berne Harbor. Our lives had always been linear, predictable. Now something was finally happening, and all I wanted was for everything to stay the same.

Meera and I waited until the rental truck turned the corner and was out of sight before we said our own goodbyes and headed home.

I’ll text you! she shouted before disappearing behind the wheel of her mom’s SUV.

I waved, then crossed the street to where my grandmother’s baby blue passenger van with the Donnelly Shuttle Service logo on the side sat waiting. Climbing in, I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. 10:23 AM.

Dammit. I was gonna be late.

Chapter Two

I’m so sorry, Nan, I blurted before I was even in through the pantry door. I completely lost track of time.

When I entered the kitchen, my grandmother was standing by the stove, dressed for the season in a heavy parka and matching crimson hat and gloves she’d knitted herself. She swiped her oversized travel mug from the counter, forcing a puff of steam to escape the narrow opening in the lid.

Keys, she said, extending her left hand.

I dropped the keys to the van in her palm, another apology tripping over my lips.

She looped the key ring over her pinky finger, then reached out to touch my cheek, tilting my freckled face upward until my gaze met hers.

Listen. I get it, she said. She’s your best friend. There’s no such thing as a quick farewell between best friends. Besides, the truth is, I told you I needed the van back by 10:30 because I knew you’d be late. I actually don’t have to leave for another five minutes.

I swatted her lightly on the arm. Nan! That’s so not cool.

Nan shrugged. I know you too well, Harper. How are you holding up?

Okay. I guess. I shrugged. I still can’t believe she’s moving to Ohio. Four weeks ago, we were talking senior ditch day, prom, graduation. Now she won’t be here for any of it.

Nan pulled me into her arms, a gloved hand smoothing over the back of my winter jacket. You two will stay in touch. And college is right around the corner.

I know, I sighed. It’ll be fine. It just won’t be the same without her.

No, Nan said. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and was gone, headed to the airport to pick up another group of tourists. Nan had been shuttling people to the local inns and B&Bs for as long as I could remember. Even in the winter months, Berne Harbor was a hot spot for charming New England rest and relaxation.

Our small two-bedroom cottage on the north side of town used to feel even smaller, back before my dad passed away. He and Nan used to run the business together, but then, during my freshman year of high school, Dad was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Six far-too-hurried weeks later, he passed away. It was shocking. Devastating. My memories of that time were foggy, which I didn’t mind, because the memories I had of my dad when he was healthy and himself were the ones I wanted to hang onto.

It took a few months, but eventually I moved all my stuff from the makeshift bedroom in the den, where I’d slept since I was a baby, to dad’s room. I kept his old wooden dresser and rocking chair by the window. It was the first time I ever had a bedroom with a door.

So, what about my mom? I never knew her. At least, not that I can remember. She left when I was only four months old, which as far as I was concerned, was way worse than if she’d left on day one. She took the time to get to know me, to teach my newborn self to rely on her—to love her—and then she decided to leave me.

I guess Dad didn’t know what to do with such a little baby, so we promptly moved in with Nan. The cottage had been home ever since.

It was starting to snow as I curled up on the couch to send an email to Chloe. Yes, I’d just seen her, but I missed her so much already. Afterward, I went online and scrolled through all the goodbye messages on her various accounts. The decision to move had been so sudden; she hadn’t told many people before winter break, but the news was spreading fast.

The sting of saying goodbye almost made me wish I was one of our classmates, receiving the news casually because I was only a casual friend. It would be surprising. Good gossip. And maybe a little sad, because so many people had known her since elementary school. But they’d get over it quickly. They’d move on. I didn’t think I’d ever stop missing her.

Chloe and I had been friends since kindergarten and it didn’t take long before we were best friends. Both being only children, we spent a lot of time together growing up. Sometimes it felt more like we were sisters. I stayed with her the night her mom left for Texas, talking her down from placing blame where it didn’t belong. And when I couldn’t make it through the poem at the end of my dad’s eulogy, Chloe got up and finished reading it for me, then held my hand for the remainder of the service, making sure I was the first to let go.

I closed my laptop and pulled a blanket off the back of the couch to cover myself. I’d woken earlier than I otherwise would’ve during the holidays to say goodbye to Chloe, so I was pretty tired. But it was more than that. I felt emotionally drained. Despondent. I closed my eyes and let myself drift off.

Sometime later, my phone buzzed on the nearby coffee table, rousing me. I glanced at it to see a group message from Eden, with details about the party she was having for New Year’s.

Come after 7pm. Parents will be out, but back after midnight. BYOB. Nothing we can’t stash.

I’d been looking forward to this party. It wasn’t gonna be a rager or anything, but a bunch of people from school were gonna be there, and it was our last New Year’s party before college. It should’ve been epic. But now? With Chloe a thousand miles away? I really didn’t feel like celebrating.

***

Meera came over the afternoon before the party. That was always a given. She needed a staging area where she could change out of the clothes she’d left home in, into something a little more form-fitting or flashy—the clothes her parents didn’t realize she owned.

Where did you tell them you were going? I asked, holding the front door open as she stepped in carrying a pink duffle bag.

Eden’s, she said. I prefer to deal in lies of omission. As far as they’ve assumed, it’s going to be an all-girls sleepover with popcorn and PG-13 movies. Why steer them in any other direction?

I can think of no reason. I closed the door behind her right as an icy blast of wind tried to hurl snow in through the front entry. Still winter out there, huh?

Meera cocked an eyebrow. Have you been hibernating in your den again?

She wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t felt the urge to leave the house much since saying goodbye to Chloe.

Santa brought me DeathQuest V. I’ve been busy, I grumbled. Come on.

I led her to my room, where I had to kick a pile of dirty laundry aside before we could enter. Sorry about the mess. Cleanliness is not next to vacation-ness.

It is in my house, Meera said. Have you heard from her?

A bit, I said, knowing she meant Chloe. You?

Texts. A few emails. She was never much of a phone person.

No, I said. Me neither.

I think her dad is keeping her busy.

I nodded. She said he’s been making daily itineraries.

Meera set her bag on the bed and began unpacking the wardrobe options inside. Her locker is gonna be empty on Monday. How weird is that?

I fell back into the rocking chair and peered out at the rolling white expanse behind the cottage, my response distracted. Pretty damn weird.

How’s this? Meera said, stealing my attention. She was holding up a red A-line dress with sparkly black nylons.

Very festive.

She smiled. Well, that was easy.

We had dinner with Nan who, to her credit, always turned a blind eye to Meera’s wardrobe changes and shifty behavior despite the fact that she had to be aware of its inherent shiftiness. Nan was never one to stick her nose in other people’s business. She’d give advice when it was appropriate, but she didn’t insert herself where she didn’t belong. It was one of the many things I adored about her.

Are you gonna be okay all by yourself tonight, Nan? I asked as we cleared the dishes and grabbed our coats. I found myself worrying about her more and more in the years since Dad had passed.

She waved a hand dismissively. Of course! This is far from my first Near Year’s Eve flying solo. Besides, I’m planning to watch some of my shows, drink a little champagne, and then hit the hay by ten. In fact, let’s get a move on, huh? So I can get my evening started.

Ten minutes later, we pulled up outside Eden’s in Nan’s shuttle.

Here’s twenty dollars for a cab, Nan said, folding a single bill into my hand. And don’t you dare call Randy’s Taxi. Those guys overcharge. Now put that in your pocket and don’t spend it on drugs.

Nan—

Be smart, stay safe, and have fun, she said. And don’t wake me when you get in. Nan needs her beauty rest. Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Meera and I said in unison, waving from the curb.

We waited until Nan sped off, then turned toward the house.

You up for this? Meera asked.

Up for a party where I’ll constantly be reminded that Chloe’s gone? Yeah, sure. Let’s go.

Meera smiled and linked her arm with mine. Thank god for boys and booze.

Chapter Three

From: Chloe Pascal

To: Harper Donnelly

Subject: HNY Woman!

Okay, I’m totally digging this pen pal thing. I feel like I’m eight again!

So yeah, here I am in Stupidlumbus (you get that’s Stupid Columbus, right?) with absolutely nothing to do on NYE. Okay, not nothing. I’m watching a movie with my dad. He bought a shrimp ring. I can’t complain about that, but it’s sooooo sad.

I’m supposed to be there, with you guys, having the time of our young lives! I assume you’re still going to Eden’s? You have to tell me everything. Actually, no. I don’t want to hear it. It’ll only make me bitter I couldn’t be there.

Scratch that. I want to hear everything.

Miss you so much, man.

Chloe

***

It’s Harper and Meera! Eden yelled as she stepped aside, making room for us to enter the front hall. Can I take your coats?

I shrugged out of mine and handed it over, taking a moment to smooth out the black cable knit sweater I wore over jeans. Kinda boring, I know. But I was in mourning.

I love that dress, Meera! Eden exclaimed, prompting Meera to spin around, showing off the curves she often hid under layers of clothing. So, can you guys believe it about Chloe? Eden continued. It was like, poof, suddenly she was moving. Did you guys have any idea?

Ah, there it was. Barely twenty words in and we had our first reminder that Chloe was gone.

No, I said. She didn’t know. It was all very sudden.

And crappy, Meera added.

Eden placed a hand over her heart. No kidding. Ugh. You guys have always been so tight.

I nodded. I really didn’t want to talk about it. I was sad enough that she was gone. I didn’t need to be told how much it sucked.

We followed Eden into the rec room where a dozen or so kids from school were hanging out. There was a table at the side of the room where Eden’s wireless speakers played music amid snacks and a stack of plastic cups. Nearby, a couple of guys played some racing game on the TV while others watched. Everything looked innocent—exactly what Eden always strived for. As far as her parents knew, she was a straight-A student who never stepped out of line.

Did you girls BYOB? she asked, and Meera pulled a small, opened, but still mostly full bottle of rum from her purse.

There’s pop and juice in the fridge, and ice in the chest freezer in the laundry room, Eden explained. Help yourself.

Meera turned to me, her eyes offering me a drink and I nodded. She generously set about preparing our refreshments while I pushed further into the room, coming up behind the group surrounding the TV.

The words, RACE OVER, appeared on the screen, causing Damien, one of the guys on the couch, to toss his controller onto the ground.

Goddammit, I give up! he said. Someone else try and beat this automotive wizard. He hooked his thumb over his shoulder at the other guy, a short kid with dark blonde hair a.k.a. Lewis a.k.a. Meera’s ex. I wasn’t sure if Meera realized he’d be here, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t be too happy to see him.

I’ll take that challenge, came a voice from behind. I turned to see Carter, another guy from school, who was looking pretty damn good in a navy sweater and jeans.

Hey Harpsichord, he said, winking at me as he passed, before hopping over the back of the couch to plant himself firmly between Damien and Lewis.

This is what Carter did. He was such a huge flirt. As far as I could tell, he was nice to all the girls, but it seemed like he’d really stepped it up with me over the past few months. Maybe it was my imagination. I don’t know. But damn if it didn’t make my heart race.

Suddenly something smacked my arm really hard and I turned to see Meera standing with two drinks in hand, her eyes wide and accusatory.

What? I said, reaching to take my drink from her.

She mouthed