When You’Re Gone: Seeking Closure After the Passing of a Loved One
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About this ebook
When Youre Gone can leave you in an emotional cave.
You are expected to be brave to confront your inner wave of confusion that attacks all reasonable conclusions. You should not be looking for sympathy but rather closure will seal the cloth that must protect your memories so that they are not
Gaster Sharpley
Gaster Sharpley Born in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape Province, South Africa, in 1969, Gaster Sharpley has written eight books on a range of subjects. The writing is conversational and provokes the reader to think about issues from various angles. Gaster holds a master’s degree in public administration and has several developmental qualifications. He is currently completing a Ph.D. in the same field of study. He is well travelled and enjoys motivational speaking. Gaster has served the South African public – first as an activist in student politics during apartheid, then as a city councillor in Mthatha, and later the chief executive of the Buffalo City Development Agency before becoming municipal manager at the same institution. Gaster also served on the Eastern Cape Development Corporation Board and is currently a director and chairperson of the Peggy Nesta Foundation. He continues to serve the community as head of department for Human Settlements in the Eastern Cape. Gaster is married to Lélanie, and they have two sons, namely Johnathan and Garth. They also have one grandchild, Jazmine.
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Book preview
When You’Re Gone - Gaster Sharpley
Copyright © 2013 by Gaster Sharpley.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013906470
ISBN: Hardcover 978-1-4836-2361-0
Softcover 978-1-4836-2360-3
Ebook 978-1-4836-2362-7
Editorial team: Mr R. L. M. Perera and Mrs R. S. Galahitiyawa
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
First print, 2012
Rev. date: 04/19/2013
To order additional copies of this book, contact:
Xlibris Corporation
0-800-644-6988
www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk
306112
Contents
Preface
Chapter One Reflection
Chapter Two Dreaming of the End Should Be the Dream of the Beginning
Chapter Three Malongwana
Chapter Four Losing a Parent
Chapter Five Closure
Chapter Six The Day After Death
Chapter Seven The Lessons
Chapter Eight The Final Send-Off
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Dedication
PICTURE%20FOR%20DEDICATION%20PAGE.jpgWe miss you.
Editorial Review
The author, Gaster Sharpley, has eloquently dealt with a very sensitive
and emotional topic in his book, in a very sensible and realistic manner,
with actual incidents. This affords the reader the opportunity to
understand more fully and align oneself to come to terms with the real
possibility in life of ‘death’.
The incidents of ‘nonclosure’ highlight the absolute need for ‘closure’ to
enable the process of emotional healing.
Mr R. L. M. Perera
Preface
Death is not a popular subject but remains the one reality that we all must face. It can also be stated that death does not discriminate against anyone—the rich die, so do the poor; the young die, so do the old; white people die, so do black people; Christians die, so do believers of other religions; and good people die, so do bad people. To live, we require a range of tangible and intangibles. Our history, culture, social orientation, family, community, religion, education, and many other attributes which influence these become a dependency. With regard to relationships, over time an emotional dependency is developed, and when a loved one passes away, it is not so much our desire for the person to be there, as we are aware that this is impossible, but rather our uncertainty about whether we will manage with the void. We also wonder whether the emotional gap can be filled, as it is our emotions that serve as a crutch for all other reasonable behaviour.
I am not for one minute suggesting that we should not desire a more predicable end to life in order to inform our planning as planning gives us control, but as for death, God has control. It is more the unpredictability of death that has the greatest sting, leaving us with myriad of questions and regrets regarding the context of the relationship. Even people who have long ended a relationship with their loved one cannot avoid the power of the emotional bond that prevails.
So why does it all end? Maybe if we were born with the intelligence of an adult, we could prepare more strategically for the end of the circle of life. We could predetermine relationships and choose the impact it will have on our lives. Life begins and life ends.
Therefore, our prayer for those we love should not be that they will live forever but rather that the relationships we share should be more meaningful. In most cases, the issues that challenge relationships are insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. It is always about control in the relationship and our desire for those we love to live up to what we expect of them. We design profiles, reactions, responses, actions for those close to us, and then we are surprised when they, being human, make mistakes. It ends and nothing prepares you for the end. Losing a parent is particularly difficult, as we consider their passing as a breakdown in our defences, protection, affection, and point of reference for our existence.
My wife, Lélanie, lost her mother at the age of twelve, and even though, over our twenty-four-year marriage, I have attempted to enquire how she felt about the obvious sad loss, she selects not to explore the emotional scar. This could explain her slow pace in developing relationships that require emotional attachment. She also lost her dad and brother during our marriage.
I could not understand and still don’t understand how she does it, but I guess from a young age, Lélanie was forced to know that it all ends. I did not have the privilege to meet Lélanie’s mother, but I have spent quality time with her dad. Before my mother, the closest relatives I lost were my grandparents. In this book, I share a few examples of loss through death, which include the loss of my grandparents.
The title When You’re Gone is a metaphor rather than an expectation of lessons. What I wish to portray is that through my mother’s death, I am able to see life differently and appreciate those around me while they are alive. I do not go into much detail around my mother’s passing as the benefit is in the lessons I learnt rather than an expression of mourning that would demand that I unpack the detail. Putting it differently, the intention is to share lessons in order for the reader to manage such a situation rather than understand and know my family, so the personal stories and truths are a supporting message to the main message in the lessons for the living based on the passing of a loved one.
Chapter One
Reflection
Let the pain of losing a loved one not be a disguise for regret.
You must be able to know whether you are causing your parents joy or pain.
Reflect on who you are and where you are in your life, but don’t beat yourself up for your weakness.
Convert every curve ball life throws at you into a score so that your passing can be a home run.
Let the passing of a loved one be the rebirth of your love for those you love that are alive.
Count every day a blessing even if it doesn’t go your way.
Everything falls perfectly into God’s plan, so let your walk through this life be in line with His perfect plan.
The Prayer
Lord, grant me the courage to go on and be strong even when my loved one is gone. Memories