Fangs For Nothing: The Vampire Detective, #1

Chapter 1

Igrabbed the phone from the cradle, already cursing myself for installing it. If I’d just left it as me having a mobile, I could have decided to ignore the call instead.

But no. I had a landline phone, like some kind of ancient.

Good afternoon, Lucy’s PI service, how can I help? Hopefully, this wasn’t another prank call. I’d been getting a lot of those. Apparently, people didn’t take private investigators seriously. If I’d known that, maybe I’d have chosen a different profession.

Who was I kidding? I’d still have gone with this one and everyone knew it.

Lucinda? William’s voice replied.

I rolled my eyes. And here was me thinking I was going to have some peace this week.

Hello, William. How can I help you?

Are you coming home soon?

No. I thought for a moment. And no to your next question too.

He chuckled down the line. How do you even know what my next question is? he asked.

Because it’s always the same. You ask if I’m going to come home, then you ask if I’m ready to marry you yet. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to marry him. I did. We might have been engaged by our parents, but William and I had known each other for over a hundred years. I liked him a lot. I’d maybe even go as far as saying I loved him.

You’re not still mad about…

You were a year late in your proposal, William. How do you think the others would have reacted if I’d said yes? Vampires came of age at twenty-five. That was when William was supposed to have proposed, and yet he didn’t for another year.

That was nearly a hundred years ago.

And I might take another hundred years to forgive you for it still, I warned him.

He sighed. Fine. I could hear the resignation in his voice and almost caved. But no. I couldn’t do that. That would imply that I was ready to become his wife after all, and I wasn’t sure that was true. The wife bit, not the William bit. He was everything I could want in a husband.

Nice talking to you, as always, I said cheerily.

Bye for now, Lucinda. I shivered at the way he drew out my name. Really, I was lucky he didn’t just come in person to ask, or else I’d be putty in his hands.

The dial tone sounded, freeing me from his questions for at least another week or so. It was difficult to tell when he’d call. After the first year, I’d worked out his pattern and stopped answering. A year later, he’d figured out that’s what I was doing and varied his calls.

I set down the phone and went through to the kitchen. Hunger had been gnawing at me since I woke up this morning, but I kept getting distracted by all the things I needed to do.

No matter, I could warm some blood up now and have a drink. It would scratch the itch I’d been feeling, that was for certain.

I hummed to myself as I pulled my favourite mug out of the cupboard, followed by a blood pack from the fridge. I squirted the red liquid into the mug, licking my lips. Oops. I maybe shouldn’t have waited so long to do this. If I’d been outside, maybe I’d even have ended up taking a munch on an unsuspecting human.

The microwave bleeped mere seconds later and I pulled the mug back out. Ah yes, this was the life.

I took a sip and nearly spat it back out. O-negative? Really? I paid too much for the cheap stuff. I should be getting B-type blood from my supplier. I’d have to have words with him next time I placed an order.

Oh well. It was better this than nothing. I’d tracked down a vampire who’d gone without blood too long on one of my previous assignments and it was not a good look. Certainly not one I could pull off.

I perched myself on one of the breakfast bar stools and powered up my laptop, hoping I’d saved the notes I’d been working on the night before. I didn’t actually have an assignment at the moment, I was just practising. Maybe if I could prove I could actually solve things, more people would be interested in hiring me.

An email flashed up and I clicked on it. My new gadgets had arrived and Derek had another weapon he wanted me to test. Oh, joy. I really should find myself a new tech guy, but vampire friendly ones were hard to find. It amazed me how many black market weapons dealers did their business out of abandoned churches. It didn’t matter that no one used them to pray any more, they’d still burn me the moment I set foot in one.

Despite my reluctance, I typed out a reply, promising him I’d come by in the next week to collect everything and give him a report on the last thing he’d given me. Though no one should be subjected to his inventions. Thankfully, none of them ever seemed to go on actual sale. I hoped that was because someone more honest with him than I could bring myself to be told him they were rubbish. And deadly to the wrong person. He’d given me a portable guillotine once and I’d nearly sliced my own head off when it had fired backwards.

Not the best idea on either of our parts. I’d told him the guillotine broke and hidden it in the secret room in the basement. That was where a lot of his inventions ended up. But I held out hope. One day, he might actually create something useful.

I set down my blood mug and set to work, tapping a pen against my lips and trying to decide what pointless avenue to pursue next.

Sometimes, I wondered if moving away from the vampire conclave and into my grandmother’s old house was a bad idea. But then I remembered how my parents’ generation of vampires acted. There was no place in their minds for modernisation. Nor for anything that didn’t follow their precise guidelines.

Silly vampires.

The phone in the other room rang again, the sound slashing through the comfortable silence of the manor.

Stupid phone, I swear… I grumbled under my breath as I scuffled through the kitchen with my mug in hand. I wished I could just ignore it, but I wasn’t that kind of girl. If I didn’t pick up, they’d leave a voicemail and that was even worse.

Lucy’s PI service, how can I help? I said, a little less friendly than the first time around. Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t get too many assignments. I wasn’t great with other people.

Hello? I asked when I was greeted with silence. William, if this is you, I swear—

An unknown voice interrupted me. Lucinda Corentine?

Speaking.

What has four legs and no eyes? The gruff voice continued, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I don’t know?

Figure it out, Miss Corentine. You’re the PI after all.

The line clicked and the dial tone rang in my ear before I could question him further.

Huh… I mumbled, staring at the empty phone as if it had any answers for me. Just as I was about to walk back to the kitchen and reheat my mug of blood, a sharp knock on the door demanded my attention.

I checked the clock standing in the hall. Hmmm... A little late for mail?

As fast as my mug would allow without spilling, I hurried through the hall. Why was this house so big?

Hello? I called, cracking the door open. My porch was empty apart from a single cardboard box.

Ooookay… If I learned anything from modern cinema, this was either a bomb or a severed head. Not exactly a great housewarming present from whoever it was. Probably William.

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want any more random gifts. My attic was exploding with all his strange marriage offerings. A cuckoo clock that didn’t scream on the hour, a canoe with my name on it, a mid-century sword collection, a set of human teeth, … He really didn’t have a good grasp on gift giving etiquette. Although I quite enjoyed the recent avocado gadget he got me. The three-in-one scoop, slice, pit tool was really handy.

But a bomb or a severed head was really one step too far. Great…

What was I supposed to do with his gift? Bring it inside? Leave it on the porch? Pretend I never got it?

All viable options…

Meow, the box exclaimed, rattling a little.

What the fangs? Carefully, I poked the cardboard, earning another meow. Was it a meowing head? A cat bomb?

Too curious for my own good, I crouched down and peeled the security tape away. A ball of fur jumped up and shot into the house like a black flash.

For real? Already exhausted with the situation, I shut the door and followed the cat inside. I didn’t want a pet, let alone a cat. I was perfectly fine without a hairy animal occupying my seat and ruining my sleep. If I wanted that, I could just take a husband. Those were just a little more favourable than cats.

Here, kitty, kitty. I rolled my eyes, looking under the couches and chairs for the little devilish fiend. Come out, come out, so I can murder you.

I shuffled through the house on hands and knees, trying to locate the intruder. There were just so many dark nooks and corners, it was impossible to find a black ball of fur.

If this was William’s idea of a good gift, he really didn’t know me at all.

Maybe I should just tell him that now instead of crawling around like an animal. Yes, that was a good idea.

Patiently, I let the rotary dial of my old-fashioned spin to combine the phone number that my fiancé had had for the last century.

William Williamsbourgh speaking, how may I help you?

Why did you send me a cat?

And a good day to you too, Lucinda.

I hate cats, you know this.

The deep voice chuckled, sending shivers down my spine. There was no denying he had an effect on me, even when he was pissing me off.

I’m serious, William.

I didn’t send you anything… Silence. Apart from the telephone booth, but that one is still going through customs. I special ordered it.

I don’t need a telephone booth, I sighed, slapping my forehead.

Are you sure? Your mother told me you were using an old-fashioned device. I thought this was an upgrade.

You talked to my mother!? I exclaimed.

You know Georgina and I get together every month for bridge soirées. You know this. You should really come and join. It’s tradition.

Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people, William, I groaned, wishing both him and my mother could just disappear for a day or two to give me some peace. Between the two of them, it was impossible to have a life. Which